It’s no secret that financial issues are the leading cause of divorce in the United States, but surely unwanted in-law involvement must not be that far behind.
But it’s even worse to imagine scenarios where toxic in-laws are also the reason for the financial issues, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Maleficent_Skin9944 and her husband were already struggling with their finances and had a baby on the way, too, when her father-in-law decided it was time to retire.
When her father-in-law demanded that all of his adult children fund his new lifestyle, including the expecting parents, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my husband that I no longer want a relationship with his parents?”
The OP was shocked when her parents-in-law started to demand money.
“I (27 Female) have been together with my husband (31 Male) for seven years and married for two years.”
“Throughout our relationship, his parents have been some sort of controlling. His father is demanding of my husband’s money and time, and if he doesn’t get it, he will cause some sort of argument.”
“We have a baby on the way, and we have been trying to save up as much money as we can.”
“But, my father-in-law (FIL) was fired recently from work because he just doesn’t feel like going, so he’ll just take 10 days off for no reason and then expect to still have a job at the end. That backfired on him after a few times.”
“A couple of days ago, he called all his children together, telling them that they have to pay for his mortgage now because he doesn’t feel like working. All the money he has, he would send it back home to his brother. His brother just sits on his a** all day and doesn’t bother to work.”
“Now that he is fired, he expects all his kids to finance his lifestyle and mortgage, his brother, and his brother’s family back home.”
The OP was not comfortable with helping her husband’s parents.
“I told my husband that he won’t be helping his dad out as we are already struggling with our own situation and a baby on the way. We have our own mortgage to pay, but his father does not care.
Right now, all of his children are struggling with money because of inflation, but his father does not care.”
“His mother, my mother-in-law (MIL), is even worse at the moment. She knows that we are all struggling, and she’s asking my husband to finance her holidays that she plans to take in a couple of months.”
“Fortunately, we’ve never set a precedent of sending money, because my husband was getting his second degree while we were dating, so he didn’t have much money while he was a student. But now that he works, his parents hassle him for money.”
As the situation escalated, the OP set new boundaries with her husband.
“I had an argument with my husband last night about this, and I told him that his parents think that he is a cash cow and will just give them all the money they want.”
“I also told him I no longer want to have a relationship with his parents because they just always ask for money.
We also have a savings account together, and I told him if he touched that money, there would be severe consequences. I know that he won’t touch the money without me knowing because he always asks before going into the account, but he got upset that I told him there would be consequences.”
“I never knew his parents were like this before we got married. Before we got married, his parents were perfectly fine and never showed this side of themselves. The moment we got married, and as they get older, I’ve started to see their real face and how they are, and I just don’t want to be a part of this.”
“Am I the a**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some commiserated with the OP and said toxic and entitled in-laws were the worst.
“NTA. Cut his lazy worthless parents out completely.”
“I bet your father-in-law will suddenly reconsider not working when the alternative is living in a homeless shelter.”
“Your money is for you and your family, not your husband’s pathetic parents.” – GuyInTheLifestyle
“I would be alarmed that the entire family seems to lack both a work ethic and financial responsibility. I’d get my husband as far away from these people as possible.”
“I know families like this, and I don’t know if it’s genetic or cultural or what, but they are hopelessly dysfunctional, always needy, and unpleasant to associate with.”
“Your husband is a product of that environment, and I hope you can impress on him the importance for your family of breaking out of that pattern. Even if they won the lottery tomorrow, the money would soon be gone. You can’t save them.” – DatabaseMoney3435
“This ties into that whole, ‘I brought you into this world’ mentality. So gross and toxic. No child asks to be born.”
“I have a friend who has a father who fully expects her and her sister to take care of their much younger brother if anything were to happen to him. Even though their brother has a capable, but somewhat irresponsible, mother.”
“But since they’re not together anymore, the responsibility automatically falls to his daughters? Insanity.”
“My friend has every right to say no, and so do you and your husband, OP. Say it.” – GuitarOk349
“Your priority is your immediate family. His parents need to learn responsibility, not depend on your finances.” – awaywethrow12
“NTA. Worthless in-laws are the worst.”
“A friend of mine had a FIL like that. Lazy worthless piece of garbage. He spent all his money on a lavish lifestyle, and didn’t have two pennies to rub together. Then he decided in his mid-50s that he’s had about enough of this whole ‘work thing.'”
“The in-laws move in, the free babysitting that was promised was non-existent, there were increasing demands to have more say in how the household is run, and they demanded an allowance… All while muttering about how his daughter could have done better… than the guy whose house he was living in.”
“Eventually, they divorced, and FIL insisted they had a 33% equity in the house since they were living there. The MIL got dementia and passed rather quickly. FIL was in Vegas for the funeral.”
“That’s the type of people you’re involved with, OP, and they will take, take, take. And yet somehow, with the wreckage all around them, they’ll turn up their nose, wag their finger, and move on to the next victim.”
“The most important thing is to convey to your husband that it will never stop.”
“Whatever the monthly stipend FIL has decided your husband is on the hook for, do two things with it:”
“First, turn that into pre-tax dollars, and multiply by 12. That’s your yearly. Add in presents, dinners, and whatever else you’re currently spending on the parents. Turn that into a percentage of your income.”
“Second, Take that money and plug it into an investment calculator. 1000 dollars per month invested at seven percent for 18 years is 431,000 dollars (500 would be 215K).”
“That’s the number you need to be talking about.” – magneticmicrowave
Others urged the OP to make sure that her husband agreed with her.
“As always, the issue is the husband, not his parents. The OP’s husband needs to be on the same page, not kept in check by threats.”
“I don’t think OP is the AH, but she is running a lot of risk of this marriage crumbling anyway. Finances are the leading reason for divorce. Her husband needs to agree and take steps to cut out his parents or she’s gonna find that he’s diverting funds somehow still.” – bagleybags
“The husband needs to set boundaries with his parents. They need to work as a team, especially with a baby on the way. If he can’t see how harmful his parents’ demands are, it will just cause more issues.” – ibericojam
“OP, establish boundaries that you both can agree to, and ensure he is following them. If he waivers, then your husband is part of the problem. Don’t enable him by splitting your finances. Every dollar he gives his dad is a dollar less for you and your family; it doesn’t matter what account it comes from. NTA.” – Patricknc18
“NTA, OP. I would tell him you will divorce him if he gives them another dime as you guys have a baby on the way, and that baby needs to be your main concern.”
“And I would just tell his parents sorry he can’t hold a job, but with a baby on the way, you have zero extra cash to pay for someone who is capable of working and paying their own bills.” – Ginboy5
“That sounds really challenging! It makes sense that you’re feeling upset with your in-laws and want to establish clear boundaries, especially during such a financially stressful time. You’re definitely not the a**hole for wanting to protect your savings and prioritize your family.”
“It’s important that your husband understands where you’re coming from and that having a baby adds a whole new layer to your financial responsibilities.”
“Maybe you both can sit down together and discuss a plan for how to handle his parents’ requests so you can find a way to support each other without compromising your own financial security.” – AnaslynAmelie
Some agreed this conversation was important but added that the OP needed to protect her assets going forward.
“I think she can go ahead and threaten away. Go to town and make it hurt. We all know that the threat of paying the consequences for one’s actions is the fastest way people learn what is acceptable. And sometimes threats are necessary to make the situation clear.”
“So she should go ahead a threaten away, but she should also be ready to follow through with whatever she promised would happen.” – LikeButter775
“Make sure all withdrawals from savings require dual permission. He sounds like he’d fold like a paper plane.” – Beth21286
“Separate your finances! He WILL give money to his parents and THEN tell you after.” – Ok_Play2364
“PLEASE LISTEN TO ME. Your husband will steal your savings account and give it to his parents. Do not trust him. Separate your finances TODAY!” – Disastrous-Sthe
“NTA. But honestly, you should have your own bank accounts. You can split who pays what bills, and he can never touch your savings. Keep a close eye and make sure everything is getting paid and that he’s not siphoning off some of the money and redirecting it to his father.” – Glinda-the-Witch
“NTA. But, honestly, you aren’t being very smart.”
“If your husband has been giving his father money, he absolutely will NOT stop giving him money. He will drain your savings dry if his dad demands money.”
“Be wise. Pull half the money out of the savings and put it into another savings account which your husband has no access. None.”
“Then, put alerts on the account with the remaining savings he can access to notify you immediately of any withdrawals.”
“Unless your husband is willing to cut off his parents from money, this will be an ongoing issue forever. I’m actually quite shocked that you elected to have a child with someone who is clearly willing to throw away your future. And don’t say he isn’t. You’ve already been struggling, and he has still been giving him money.” – ConvivialKat
In no uncertain terms, the subReddit confirmed that the OP was not wrong for wanting to put her baby’s needs before her parents-in-law’s, especially since her father-in-law was perfectly capable of still working.
But some were concerned that having the conversation and setting boundaries would not be enough to keep the money in the bank account. If the OP’s husband was struggling with not appeasing his parents, he might choose the comfort of saying yes to them over listening to his wife.