The ability to accept responsibility for one's actions is a sign of emotional and intellectual maturity. Sadly, some people never seem to get there.
Some people spend their entire lives blaming others for their misfortunes, while taking full credit for their successes.
A woman dealing with their fiancé’s emotionally immature sister turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
SouthBritMeisie asked:
"AITA for 'getting my future sister-in-law fired' according to her—a year later she still blames me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I’m 31, female, and my fiancé’s sister—who I’ll call my future sister-in-law (SIL)—is 35, female. She briefly worked at the same office as me – for about 3 months."
"For context I did not hire her and I was not the one who told her about the job. Once she started she was given training and support including sitting with someone for around two weeks and receiving step-by-step guides for certain tasks."
"The issue was that she repeatedly made mistakes and became defensive when anyone tried to correct them. This included sending out incorrectly formatted documents, not checking her work properly, missing information, sending emails with issues and generally creating extra work for other people who then had to fix things."
"There were also uncomfortable interpersonal moments. She often pushed back when given feedback and there were times where her tone came across as dismissive or argumentative."
"One incident happened when our boss asked her to correct wording in a document. She argued that she 'didn’t make it up' and suggested someone else could fix it later. Our boss told her that wasn’t the point and that things needed to go out correctly the first time. The situation escalated and she stormed out for a few minutes."
"So she was called into the boardroom and they had a heated discussion and then they moved on. Her attitude/work didn't improve because that is how she is and then she was fired (or asked not to come back) after another month or so."
"Another incident happened when she asked me for help on a task she had already asked about several times. I tried to explain where she could look and what she should check, but at one point she asked if something on her screen was correct. I couldn’t see her screen so I said I didn’t know. She then said something like 'So you don’t know' in a tone that felt really patronising—she was saying I don't know what I was helping her do."
"I think she partly expected me to treat her like family and not a coworker, but we’re at work, it’s different."
"By that point I was stressed and felt like I could not keep working directly with her. I spoke to our boss and said I was okay with her being there, but I couldn’t keep helping her or fixing the same types of issues. I specifically said I would rather just do my own admin and I cannot work directly with her."
"My boss thanked me for my honesty and he said that he felt the same. He was hoping it would resolve, but it was not getting better."
"The next day my boss let her go. I was not present for that conversation and I did not tell him to fire her."
"Since then she has blamed me for losing the job. She has told people that I got her fired, that I had an issue with her and didn't like her, sabotaged her, and that I spoke to her badly (like an idiot). A year later she still says things like people 'don’t know what went on in that office' and that I am 'not the person I portray myself to be'."
"From my side I feel like her work issues and behaviour were already visible to management and I only raised how it was affecting me. But I also understand that my conversation with our boss may have contributed to the final decision even if I didn’t directly ask for her to be fired."
"This has now caused ongoing drama in my fiancé’s family because she still seems to believe I had some kind of agenda against her. My fiancé doesn't bow to her version of things, so they aren't speaking at the moment."
"She now runs her own beauty place (nails, eyelashes, etc...). Before this job she was a professional job hopper."
"Her and their mother like gossiping and badmouthing people. He has told them to stop, but they aren't really speaking to each other anymore. I am just making sure I am not being unaware of myself."
"So AITA for speaking to my boss about not wanting to work directly with my future SIL anymore if she still blames me a year later for getting her fired?"
"I find it super upsetting that his family have this warped version of me and I just need some outside opinion."
"I know she still would have been fired because it just was not working, but I don’t know if the familial fall out would have been as bad if I hadn't met with my boss."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I think I might be the a**hole because I did speak to my boss about not wanting to work directly with my future SIL anymore and she was fired shortly after. Even though I didn’t ask for her to be fired, I understand why she feels my complaint contributed to it especially because we already had family tension."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"If she's bringing it up in front of other people, just would correct her with the truth. 'You weren't fired because of me, I don't have that power. You were fired because you were bad at your job'." ~ WearifulSole
"Right? its an easy comeback in the moment. I can't stand people who never take responsibility/accountability in these situations and will try and bring others down with them to cover them being the bad actors." ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
"For real this the only way to handle it, shuts down the narrative instantly... If she wants to play stupid games a whole year later, she deserves a public reality check." ~ whereismycharger721
"Key word, fiancé. This likely is a non-issue day to day but comes up at family events. So any wedding planning will likely bring this to OP's mind. Since the future MIL is siding with the SIL it could mean a lot of drama at or around the wedding." ~ Sheanar
"As so often in stories like this only one party is controlling the narrative. And those who do win the opinions of others."
"Not fuelling the fire is a noble thought, but since its your fiancé's family you might need to go nuclear. Discuss this with him."
"Either you keep still and let the abuse continue and not be bothered by it. Or open a group chat, explain to all why she was fired including examples." ~ zirfeld
"Girl, stand up for yourself. For her to be holding onto this grudge for a three month position where she didn't work under you, she's just driving a wedge. Tell her she and her shit attitude are the cause of her own misery." ~ JennaLS
"She doesn't actually think any of it, it's just super defensive fuel for her to cry/bully you about. She is deliberately driving a wedge and ignoring that it isn't working. (Unless you can just cut the various drama llamas out entirely)."
"Agree with your fiance what the line will be & practice repeating in a bored neutral tone 'she got herself fired' or 'she was rude and bad at the job' or whatever it is that acknowledge the event in true light, in the most efficient sentence possible. One that sounds like you've had to say it to the public at large a couple thousand times about her dramatic a** already." ~ cheerful_cynic
"NTA. You didn’t get her fired, her own work ethic did. Situations like this are why mixing business and family rarely ends well." ~ AlrestWhenImDead
"NTA. I'm betting your boss tried to have another conversation with her about the issues, and she responded the same way she had in the past by throwing a tantrum and walking out for a little bit. I'm betting her storming out was followed up with 'Don't bother coming back'. Rather than realizing her own behavior got her fired she decided to blame you." ~ naranghim
OP will need to accept that their future sister-in-law and possibly mother-in-law will never "see the light" and stop blaming other people for their failures.
Their best bet is just stick tothe truth, future sister-in-law was wildly incompetent and had a horrible, inappropriate attitude, and everyone forced to work with her wanted her gone.
Then just keep repeating that truth while ignoring whatever nonsense her future in-laws spout.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp