The ability to accept responsibility for one's actions is a sign of emotional and intellectual maturity. Sadly, some people never seem to get there.
Some people spend their entire lives blaming others for their misfortunes, while taking full credit for their successes.
A woman dealing with their fiancé’s emotionally immature sister turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
SouthBritMeisie asked:
"AITA for 'getting my future sister-in-law fired' according to her—a year later she still blames me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I’m 31, female, and my fiancé’s sister—who I’ll call my future sister-in-law (SIL)—is 35, female. She briefly worked at the same office as me – for about 3 months."
"For context I did not hire her and I was not the one who told her about the job. Once she started she was given training and support including sitting with someone for around two weeks and receiving step-by-step guides for certain tasks."
"The issue was that she repeatedly made mistakes and became defensive when anyone tried to correct them. This included sending out incorrectly formatted documents, not checking her work properly, missing information, sending emails with issues and generally creating extra work for other people who then had to fix things."
"There were also uncomfortable interpersonal moments. She often pushed back when given feedback and there were times where her tone came across as dismissive or argumentative."
"One incident happened when our boss asked her to correct wording in a document. She argued that she 'didn’t make it up' and suggested someone else could fix it later. Our boss told her that wasn’t the point and that things needed to go out correctly the first time. The situation escalated and she stormed out for a few minutes."
"So she was called into the boardroom and they had a heated discussion and then they moved on. Her attitude/work didn't improve because that is how she is and then she was fired (or asked not to come back) after another month or so."
"Another incident happened when she asked me for help on a task she had already asked about several times. I tried to explain where she could look and what she should check, but at one point she asked if something on her screen was correct. I couldn’t see her screen so I said I didn’t know. She then said something like 'So you don’t know' in a tone that felt really patronising—she was saying I don't know what I was helping her do."
"I think she partly expected me to treat her like family and not a coworker, but we’re at work, it’s different."
"By that point I was stressed and felt like I could not keep working directly with her. I spoke to our boss and said I was okay with her being there, but I couldn’t keep helping her or fixing the same types of issues. I specifically said I would rather just do my own admin and I cannot work directly with her."
"My boss thanked me for my honesty and he said that he felt the same. He was hoping it would resolve, but it was not getting better."
"The next day my boss let her go. I was not present for that conversation and I did not tell him to fire her."
"Since then she has blamed me for losing the job. She has told people that I got her fired, that I had an issue with her and didn't like her, sabotaged her, and that I spoke to her badly (like an idiot). A year later she still says things like people 'don’t know what went on in that office' and that I am 'not the person I portray myself to be'."
"From my side I feel like her work issues and behaviour were already visible to management and I only raised how it was affecting me. But I also understand that my conversation with our boss may have contributed to the final decision even if I didn’t directly ask for her to be fired."
"This has now caused ongoing drama in my fiancé’s family because she still seems to believe I had some kind of agenda against her. My fiancé doesn't bow to her version of things, so they aren't speaking at the moment."
"She now runs her own beauty place (nails, eyelashes, etc...). Before this job she was a professional job hopper."
"Her and their mother like gossiping and badmouthing people. He has told them to stop, but they aren't really speaking to each other anymore. I am just making sure I am not being unaware of myself."
"So AITA for speaking to my boss about not wanting to work directly with my future SIL anymore if she still blames me a year later for getting her fired?"
"I find it super upsetting that his family have this warped version of me and I just need some outside opinion."
"I know she still would have been fired because it just was not working, but I don’t know if the familial fall out would have been as bad if I hadn't met with my boss."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I think I might be the a**hole because I did speak to my boss about not wanting to work directly with my future SIL anymore and she was fired shortly after. Even though I didn’t ask for her to be fired, I understand why she feels my complaint contributed to it especially because we already had family tension."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"If she's bringing it up in front of other people, just would correct her with the truth. 'You weren't fired because of me, I don't have that power. You were fired because you were bad at your job'." ~ WearifulSole
"Right? its an easy comeback in the moment. I can't stand people who never take responsibility/accountability in these situations and will try and bring others down with them to cover them being the bad actors." ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
"For real this the only way to handle it, shuts down the narrative instantly... If she wants to play stupid games a whole year later, she deserves a public reality check." ~ whereismycharger721
"Key word, fiancé. This likely is a non-issue day to day but comes up at family events. So any wedding planning will likely bring this to OP's mind. Since the future MIL is siding with the SIL it could mean a lot of drama at or around the wedding." ~ Sheanar
"As so often in stories like this only one party is controlling the narrative. And those who do win the opinions of others."
"Not fuelling the fire is a noble thought, but since its your fiancé's family you might need to go nuclear. Discuss this with him."
"Either you keep still and let the abuse continue and not be bothered by it. Or open a group chat, explain to all why she was fired including examples." ~ zirfeld
"Girl, stand up for yourself. For her to be holding onto this grudge for a three month position where she didn't work under you, she's just driving a wedge. Tell her she and her shit attitude are the cause of her own misery." ~ JennaLS
"She doesn't actually think any of it, it's just super defensive fuel for her to cry/bully you about. She is deliberately driving a wedge and ignoring that it isn't working. (Unless you can just cut the various drama llamas out entirely)."
"Agree with your fiance what the line will be & practice repeating in a bored neutral tone 'she got herself fired' or 'she was rude and bad at the job' or whatever it is that acknowledge the event in true light, in the most efficient sentence possible. One that sounds like you've had to say it to the public at large a couple thousand times about her dramatic a** already." ~ cheerful_cynic
"NTA. You didn’t get her fired, her own work ethic did. Situations like this are why mixing business and family rarely ends well." ~ AlrestWhenImDead
"NTA. I'm betting your boss tried to have another conversation with her about the issues, and she responded the same way she had in the past by throwing a tantrum and walking out for a little bit. I'm betting her storming out was followed up with 'Don't bother coming back'. Rather than realizing her own behavior got her fired she decided to blame you." ~ naranghim
OP will need to accept that their future sister-in-law and possibly mother-in-law will never "see the light" and stop blaming other people for their failures.
Their best bet is just stick tothe truth, future sister-in-law was wildly incompetent and had a horrible, inappropriate attitude, and everyone forced to work with her wanted her gone.
Then just keep repeating that truth while ignoring whatever nonsense her future in-laws spout.
