Even if roommates work together well as friends or even siblings, they usually eventually "break up" thanks to new life milestones, like moving away or getting married.
There's really no scenario where a roommate should have to keep paying their rent after they've moved out, except for maybe if they moved out before their contract was up, side-eyed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Traditional_Solid879 had been living with her brother and her father in a two-bedroom apartment for a few years, and she'd worked hard to make it a home.
But when her brother went to another country and got married, not only did he expect the Original Poster (OP) to move out to make room for his wife, but he expected her to continue paying her part of the rent until his wife was authorized to get a job.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by refusing to pay rent until my brother's wife can move in and get a job?"
The OP shared an apartment with her brother and father.
"I'm 24 (Female), and my brother is 27 (Male)."
"Since 2023, my dad, my brother, and I have been living together in a two-bedroom apartment in Florida, and because there are only two bedrooms, my brother and I have been sharing the master bedroom while my dad sleeps in the other room across the hall."
"Yes, we've been sharing a room for almost four years. I have my own bed, a twin-sized bed, and he has a Queen-sized bed."
The OP put a lot of emotional and physical labor into making her house a home.
"When we first moved in, I was the one who put most of the effort into making the apartment actually feel like a home. I spent hours searching for affordable furniture and decorations.
"I found our main couch on Facebook Marketplace, paid for the delivery myself, thrifted the coffee table, found the loveseat that sits in the corner of the living room, picked out artwork for the walls, and even got our dining table from one of my coworkers."
"It's a beautiful solid wood table that expands from seating four people to eight, and it comes with matching wooden chairs."
"I put a lot of time, effort, and money into creating a comfortable home for us."
But the OP was expected to move out when her brother got married.
"Fast forward to now, my brother got married to his fiancée in another country in 2023. He's filed the immigration paperwork so she can hopefully move to the United States and live with him."
"The original plan was that once she arrived, she would take my place in the apartment, and I would move four hours away to live with my mom's home in another city."
"I've already accepted that plan and started preparing for it. That means finding a new job, figuring out how to move my car, adjusting to a new city, and starting over while also finishing my associate's degree in graphic design."
"On top of that, I have to leave behind almost everything I bought for the apartment because I simply can't afford a U-Haul, the moving costs, and the gas to transport it all. So all the furniture and decorations I worked so hard to find are staying there."
After all the work the OP did to make the apartment a home and move out, her brother still expected more.
"The lease ends on September 30, and I've already told my brother that I'm moving out next month."
"Here's where the problem starts. My brother told me he expects me to continue paying rent even after I've moved out until his wife finds a job and they can afford the apartment on their own."
"I told him no."
"I genuinely don't understand how that makes any sense. Why would I pay rent for an apartment I no longer live in while also paying the expenses of moving, finding a new place, and supporting myself?"
"His wife moving in and contributing financially is their responsibility, not mine."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some pointed out that the formula was simple: if the OP wasn't living there, she wasn't paying rent.
"NOR. You're moving out because of his choice. If you're not living there and are not on the lease, you shouldn't pay anything." - dewsh
"'Not your place' means 'no responsibility for helping to fund someone else's household.'" - Pixpodx5767
"NOR. Also, make sure the landlord or the leasing office knows you are not renewing the lease. I can see your brother having his wife sign your name so you are the hook for rent." - Huge-Job1231
"NOR. No longer your apartment, not your rent, not your wife, not your immigration process, not your interview." - Gurglaren
"I think he’s just horrible at planning for the future, made this plan of his wife moving in without thinking about it and then when he realized that there were gonna be financial concerns because his wife is broke and unemployed he panicked and thought, 'S**t, how do I salvage this?'"
"But that is NOT the OP's problem. Helping is one thing, but paying a second round of rent is something else entirely." - SlyAugust
Others urged the OP to proceed with her plan to move out but to also reward her hard work by selling some stuff.
"Move out, AND sell some furniture and things for a fresh start. Seed money because your brother is looking to take advantage." - motherlymetal
"NOR. DO NOT pay rent towards a place you're not living in. He is taking advantage of you."
"Also, since you bought the furniture, just sell them all and get cash! Sell all on FB Marketplace." - dblchickensandwich
"OP, you figured out how to settle into this apartment, and then you figured out moving away, getting a new job, paying expenses, and continuing to earn your degree."
"If your boyfriend could 'fall in love' and marry an adult woman, he needs to be an adult man and figure some things out."
"NOR. None of this is your responsibility. You know what is? Your happiness and your fresh start." - Used_Clock_4627
"Have you ever cancelled your Netflix subscription, just to find out you were still paying it 6 months later? And have you ever noticed that apartment managers are sometimes the dumbest humans on earth who could not give two s**ts about the people who live there?"
"Make. Sure. You. Are. Off. And make sure your brother or his wife do not pretend-sign for you and get you into a very-real-responsibility."
"Once you know you're clear, please enjoy your life and choose what's best for you." - JohnSnowsPump
"Sell all the furniture and decorations you bought that you won't be able to take with you. Or offer your brother and father that they can buy it from you since you researched and purchased it."
"And do not pay rent for a place where you don't live."
"OP, you are not overreacting, and they are acting entitled."
"Good luck with your move, I hope things will go smoothly at your mum’s!" - AcrobaticWillow6952
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"Thank you all for your support. I had a serious conversation with my brother, and it turned into a huge argument."
"I asked him why they don't move to another cheaper place that they can actually afford? He admitted they don't want to move somewhere more affordable because his wife wants to stay in South Florida. I was speechless."
"And he kept saying, 'If you don't want to help your family, just say it. Just say you have a money problem.'"
"It was like he thought he was the victim, making me feel bad and in an awkward position."
"But no. The money isn't the problem. The problem is that they chose to stay in an apartment they can't afford without my side of payment, and they expect me to keep paying rent after I've already moved out. Plus, I paid for almost everything in that apartment while also paying rent; I'm not paying to move out, help pay rent at my mom's, and pay his rent, too. Like, no, I told him no."
"He thinks that because I'm moving with my mom, I won't be paying rent, and he wants me to keep paying him after he renews the new lease for one more year."
"At this point, I'm just thinking about moving by myself in another state with two jobs just to shut him up."
"Thank you to everyone for all the comments. You helped me realize I'm not overreacting."
"I've also decided I'm taking everything I bought with my own money. Whatever I can't take, I'll sell (even though I bought a laundry machine and dryer combo)."
"I'm packing my belongings, moving out, and starting fresh. It hurts because my brother used to be my best friend, and I don't know if marrying this woman changed things or something, but I know this is the right decision."
Helping family can be wonderful, but paying two rent payments because someone is out of a job is out of the realm of possibility.
The OP had already done all of the work to make her apartment a home, and she'd even agreed to move out and start over. Her emotional labor was through the roof already, and paying secondary rent for another woman was unjustifiable.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp