It's no secret that today's economy is not a friend to most people. From rising rent costs to expensive groceries to unaffordable third spaces, people are feeling increasingly stretched to make ends meet.
Because of this, most people are working as many hours as their workplaces will offer them, and many people work multiple jobs to make ends meet, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor CleverNameNotFoundXX was a hardworking and independent woman, and it was immediately obvious that the guy she was dating long-distance did not have the same feelings about work.
But when he got a part-time job and constantly complained about working just ten hours per week, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she should give her boyfriend a reality check about how hard most people work.
She asked the sub:
"Would I be the a**hole for giving my boyfriend a reality check when he complains about a job with a ten-hour work week?"
The OP and her boyfriend had very different perspectives about work-life balance.
"I (41 Female) have been with my long-distance boyfriend (36 Male) for a little over a year."
"He lives in my country, but far enough away that visiting requires a flight. We have been together in person once, which was magical, but it was mostly on my dime because at that time he didn't work at all."
"In his last relationship, he was a kept man. He did not need to work or do much of anything, so he pretty much sat around and gamed most of the time."
The OP felt increasingly stressed by her boyfriend's comments about work.
"I work full-time, and have since I graduated from college. I don't come from wealth, nor do I make a ton of money. I have always had to bust my butt to get by."
"I don't hold my boyfriend's former lifestyle against him at all, but lately his attitude has been a huge strain on me."
"I don't want to waste a ton of time in the weeds, so I'll just say that his current living situation is stable and does not require much from him financially."
"However, for the first time in a very long time (10ish years), he's gotten himself a part-time job to have some financial independence and also to save up to be able to visit me, where we can split the bill. This job is normally eight to ten hours per week, and I should also mention that it's a desk job, so it is not physically demanding."
"The job pays just a hair above minimum wage as it is entry-level, and with such short hours, he doesn't make much. So he's been asking to pick up more hours whenever someone needs time off, and I was super proud of him for that."
"He complained often about the eight- to ten-hour hour weeks before, mostly about days that he had to get up early."
"I tried very hard to give him grace because he's only been back in the workforce for about four months as of this post."
"But the complaints were at times hard for me to hear and empathize with, because I work 40 hours a week, and have for almost 20 years. Everyone else in my circle of friends also works full-time, 40-hour jobs, as did all of my previous relationships, so dealing with this has been strange for me."
As her boyfriend's complaints increased, so did the OP's discomfort.
"Recently, he succeeded in picking up extra shifts and worked his first full eight-hour day, which amounted to a 20-ish-hour week, and he's been talking about that nonstop like it's a Herculean feat. It's really grating on me."
"He even told me he asked his boss not to give him any more extra shifts because the 20-hour week exhausted him, with the implied expectation that I would be empathetic and comfort him."
"I couldn't think of anything kind to say, so I didn't say anything."
"It's coming to a point where I feel like it's inevitable that I'm going to snap at him, something along the lines of, 'Most people work 40 hours a week, you know.'"
"But I know that will probably cause problems. I've gotten by so far by not saying anything at all when I couldn't find it in me to be patient. But that's wearing out because he just keeps repeating it, seeming like he's fishing for an actual response."
"Would I be the a**hole if I told him how hard it is for me to empathize with his fatigue over such short work weeks?"
"I feel like his complaining often fails to 'read the room,' especially when he talks about it in group chats with our mutual friends, all of whom work full-time jobs, too."
"I really want to give him a reality check as nicely as I can, but I don't know if I would be mean for doing so."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to give her long-distance boyfriend that much-needed reality check.
"Give him a reality check, he desperately needs it. Yes, starting to work 40-hour weeks is hard, but lots of people have to do it."
"Also. What is his long-term plan? Will he always find a woman to pay for his life?"
"I'm guessing there is no disability/sickness stopping him from working, so I would say he needs to understand that working is normal and not some achievement of a lifetime." - hopeicanchangethis3
"This dude needs to hear that, yes, this s**t is hard, but it's expected of most adults."
"I also wonder what long-term plans these two have, but I guess if Op doesn't want kids or to share a house with him, then the problem is mostly centred around the disconnect in how he can be fatigued by doing so little while it sounds like the OP and the other important people in her life are working very hard." - No-Hovercraft-455
"Yes, you would the be the a**hole. But I think someone needs to be."
"What are his good qualities? I don't know if i could find a lazy person attractive." - Thunder--Thighs
"Where does he live? Pretty hard to pay rent on a part-time, basically minimum wage job these days. And you've only met with him once? Sounds super sketchy to me."
"But NTA, he needs to grow up at some point." - Necessary_Field_8424
"Being 'super proud' of a 36-year-old man for making the most basic effort made me cringe so hard, I think my spine broke. This creature wants a pat on the back and a participation trophy for working 50% less hard than anyone else you know. Why are you even with him?" - JBW66
Others questioned why the OP was dating this guy and what she gained from the relationship.
"NTA, but I honestly would rethink this relationship. You're already basically parenting him, and he's only a long-distance boyfriend. He's 36 going on 17." - Particular_Title42
"You're not compatible. A woman who's worked full time for 20 years and a man who finds a 20-hour week overwhelming are not on the same page." - Such_Alternative1975
"Is this what you want in a partner? Someone who has no drive and no hard-working bone in their body?"
"If so, then I think you kind of need to live with it, or find a way to allow yourself to express your own frustrations at your own job without belittling his own work."
"Honestly, I would be turned off by someone like this who cannot even put in a single days work over a week. Are you ok with being his provider for the rest of his life? Working full time for the next 15 or so years while he games and complains about the small amount of work he has to do?"
"Because this will be the rest of your life. I would decide based on that fact." - SecretCurve3898
"There is no need to waste your time bringing up a grown adult. Being single would surely be massively preferable to the situation you’re in."
"What are your life goals? Do you want children? Where do you want to live? When do you want to retire? Do you want to travel? What are any of his goals? Does he have any? Do they align with yours?"
"I cannot think of a single facet of my life that someone like your partner would improve. It’s great that he was able to be a kept partner previously. That isn’t the situation anymore, but it sounds like that’s very much the setup he wants. Are you willing/ able to provide that?"
"You’ve already spent the entirety of your relationship with this man unable to be honest because it would ‘cause problems’. Is that how you want the rest of your life to be? Walking on eggshells and being embarrassed by your man-child partner who refuses to grow up?" - Aggravating_Chair780
"'I don't want to waste a ton of time in the weeds, so I'll just say that his current living situation is stable and does not require much from him financially.' You know…it’s okay to say he’s living with his parents."
"I’m assuming you were beating around the bush on this so as to not make him seem like a lazy freeloader. But here’s the thing. He *IS* a lazy a** freeloader."
"You know the only reason he got a part-time job was that (I admit, I’m assuming here) it was likely because his parents refused to give him free housing *AND* an allowance. He didn’t get this job because he suddenly became ambitious. He got it because he was essentially forced to."
"Look, the only time you spent with this man in real life was on what was basically a vacation. Now you are getting a glimpse of what day-to-day life is like. And it ain’t looking great."
"You two are very different people, with different goals, lifestyles, and priorities. At this point, you are holding on solely because of a 'magical vacation,' you went on with this dude a year ago, and the sunk cost fallacy."
"Cut your losses. Let him loose. He isn’t going to change. The issues you’re having with his behavior are fundamental and are *who he is*. Stop trying to change him so that he fits into your mold of who you want him to be, and start accepting that this is exactly who he is."
"That is, unless you enjoy having a dependent that’s a grown a** late-30’s year old man." - CatmoCatmo
After receiving feedback, the OP was clearly appreciative.
"Phew, I honestly wasn't sure what response I would get, but thank you all so much for your support. (Even the harshly worded support.) Extra thank you to the comments who attempted to show him a bit of empathy, though I totally understand why so many comments are telling me to 'dump this loser.'"
"There are a lot of wonderful things about this man that I adore, and having him in my life does make me happy, but I do understand this judgment against him, and it has helped me make up my mind to talk to him."
"Other than struggling to adjust to his work schedule, he's been a very considerate, empathetic, and attentive partner. I do love him sincerely, and I won't actually bore you with specifics as to why."
"Thanks again for having my back and giving me my own reality check."
While the subReddit could understand that work can be exhausting and overwhelming, and that some people can deal with that stress better than others, they simply couldn't see how this relationship could be compatible: a very busy and productive woman with a man who was overwhelmed by working 10 hours per week.
If the OP really saw this relationship going somewhere, even if "somewhere" was just consistent, reliable, and comfortable, and not necessarily taking the next step, like moving in together, she needed to talk to him and give him that reality check.
But if he was just someone she liked, and she didn't feel particularly tied to the relationship, it might not even be worth having that tough conversation.
