There are few things more simultaneously helpful and frustrating than a budget.
A budget helps you keep your spending in check, knowing how much money you have to spend on essentials.
Far too often, however, people discover that their budget doesn't allow for spending on things they want, as opposed to things they need.
Even if this doesn't always stop people from straying from their budget, and making some purchases others might view as extraneous.
Redditor WendyLadouce and their family were forced to keep a rather strict budget.
Unfortunately, that didn't stop the original poster (OP)'s husband from making some personal purchases.
Purchases the OP felt were beyond unnecessary, which they weren't afraid to say so to their husband.
Fearing they might have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for calling my husband selfish and stingy even though he’s the sole provider for our family?"
The OP explained why they felt compelled to put their husband in his place:
"My husband has been the sole provider for our family for the past four years."
"We have two autistic children, and because of their needs and the difficulty of managing their care, I had to quit my job to take care of them full time."
"I do a few online activities here and there, but they barely bring in any money."
"Even though my husband earns a decent salary, we still struggle financially."
"He already had loans before we got married, and during our marriage he took another one to help with a family medical emergency."
"Because of that, a large portion of his salary is deducted every month."
"Between rent, groceries, the children’s appointments, their special needs, food, and all the household expenses, we barely make it through each month."
"I almost never buy anything for myself anymore."
"I’ve always been independent and I hate asking for money, so I just manage with whatever he gives me."
"I also have a chronic illness that requires medical checkups every six months."
"I usually manage to pay for them with my savings and sometimes help from my mother, even if I end up delaying appointments because money is tight."
"What hurts me is that my husband never asks whether I’ve done my checkups or how I’m managing to pay for them."
"At the same time, he occasionally comes home with new clothes, shoes, gadgets, or accessories for himself that honestly don’t feel necessary to me."
"Recently, he bought new undershirts and a watch."
"I got upset and told him that if he had money for those things, he could at least give me some money so I could buy things for the kids and myself."
"He said he didn’t have any money left.I told him I felt he was being selfish and stingy."
"He was very hurt by that and has been giving me the cold shoulder ever since."
"I know he works hard and earns the money, and I understand that he should be able to enjoy himself sometimes."
"But I still can’t help feeling upset and resentful about the situation."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for calling out their husband.
Some had trouble sympathizing with either the OP or their husband, feeling that both of them needed a reality check when it came to parenting and managing their finances:
"You and your husband desperately need credit counseling."
"That's not just for credit problems."
"A credit counsellor, unlike other types of financial advisors, specializes in personal and family household money management, including budgeting and debt repayment."
"At the moment, you don't have any idea of the household financial situation, and I'd bet your husband doesn't either since he seems unaware of the expenses incurred by you an the children."
"While I wonder at someone needing a watch, it's also pretty odd that you're complaining that he bought underwear."
"ESH."
"You and your husband are under financial stress, and not communicating about it effectively - or at all."- SavingsRhubarb8746
"ESH."
"You have medical conditions, he had loans, and your first child is autistic."
"Why did you have a second kid to exacerbate the budget problems?"
"Poor financial and budget planning."
"You both suck."- Traditional_Food9436
"ESH."
"Both of you need to communicate better and make a clear overview you both can access and consult of income and outgoing expenses that are always set."
"Make a list of things needed (clothes for the kids, things you need replaced, things he need replaced) and make an additional 'dream list' of stuff you would like when there is money enough at a certain time in the future."- Salt-Improvement-263
Others, however, felt the OP was justified, especially considering the OP sacrificed her own career, as well as her own personal income, for her family:
"You both need to understand that, since you didn't stay home because you don't want to work but because your labour is needed in the house, your husband's income is not his, it's the family's."
"You both also need to understand that what you provide is still work, very important work, and that your husband can have a full time job because you sacrificed yours, and your career, your retirement fund etc etc for the family, and that the roles could be reversed."
"Have a look at where the money go, put his income and yours together, and allocate money for everyone's needs."
"You shouldn't beg him for money because it's not really his money."
"NTA."- SoleSun314
"You both work hard and you both should enjoy small splurges."
"Sit down with him and go over the financials and together decide how to allocate money."
"Look at the interest rates on the loans."
"Would refinancing or consolidation help?"
"Is there anyway you could work part-time a couple of evenings during the week and maybe one day on the weekend."
"He will take care of the children during those times."
"NTA."- YakCertain5472
"No, you’re NTA."
"Your health is more important than clothes or random accessories."
"A loving partner could at least ask about ur condition and whether you’re able to afford your checkups."
"But at the same time, I think you reacted emotionally too."
"Your husband is probably always under stress."
"Supporting an entire family alone, especially with two autistic children is a huge responsibility."
"And from ur post it doesn’t sound like he buys things for himself very often either, so that’s worth considering too."
"TBH this sounds less like selfishness and more like two exhausted people slowly building resentment because of financial stress and lack of communication."- Icy_Jeweler1168
"NTA."
"What you're describing is not him being the 'sole provider' for your family, you do not have money for medical care."
"What does 'whatever he gives' you mean?"
"Do you not have access to your shared money at all?"
"If so that's a bigger problem."- misseff
"NTA."
"You need to have a chat to him and stop thinking of it as 'his' income and 'your' income and instead think of it collectively as 'family' income."
"Pool everything and pay for the outgoings from that including your medical check-up's."
"From this income give each of you a set amount of spending money."
"It may not be much but its yours to do with as you please."
"That way the essentials are covered, you both have some independent money and there will be no bad feelings."
"Remember just because you aren't being paid by a company you are working by looking after two children with disabilities."- sjw_7
While some didn't seem to think there were any a**Holes in the situation, simply an overall lack of communication:
"NAH."
"Is it wrong for your husband to buy for himself but never check if you guys have what you need?"
"Absolutely!"
"Should someone in full time work be able to buy themselves things from time to time that are just wants and not needs?"
"Absolutely!."
"I agree with another commenter that it’s a communication breakdown."
"It sounds like (and I could be wrong!) you are a couple that don’t like to talk finances."
"You have check ups and you don’t remind him that they cost money/remind him you need extra money for them."
"Equally he doesn’t check in and see how money is doing on your end."
"IMHO married couples (especially with children) should have shared finances, everything on the table, budget every month that both parties are aware of (if not involved in)."
"It sounds like you guys just aren’t in the habit of talking nitty gritty about finances."- pigeonbloo
The OP is certainly putting up with more challenges than any person deserves to be.
Something the OP's husband doesn't seem to be fully appreciating.
Maybe with the help of a counselor, the OP will find a way to communicate with their husband to help him understand this better.
Hopefully resulting in a positive impact on their relationship, as well as their finances.
