Many people dream of getting married from a very young age.
When that special day finally comes, it usually feels like a dream come true.
That being said, there's a reason the phrase "the honeymoon's over" exists.
As sometimes marriage is all it takes to discover the many things about your new spouse that drive you absolutely crazy.
The husband of Redditor CanaryThis7877 was recently given a late-in-life diagnosis.
With this diagnosis also came an unfortunate change in his behavior.
Prompting the original poster (OP) to think very seriously about their future together.
Concerned her fears were not justified, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for refusing to put effort in my marriage?"
The OP explained why they felt steadily less inclined to put any effort into her marriage:
"I (28 F[emale]) have been married to my husband (27 M[ale]) for a few years."
"Three years ago, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder."
"I have been incredibly supportive, and clinically, he is doing fine."
"He holds down a decent-paying job, but I earn more than him."
"About a year ago, we bought our first home."
"The problem is that my husband is incredibly passive and lazy, and he uses his diagnosis as a shield."
"He goes to work, comes home, and then obsessively plays video games for hours."
"That is it."
"He does not clean unless I explicitly nag him, he cannot cook, and he has no passion for anything outside of his screen."
"I recently realized I have completely taken on the role of his mother."
"I handle the yard work, the cooking, the cleaning, and the mental load."
"When we bought our house, I did 100% of the work—met the realtor, filled out the paperwork, planned everything."
"He just showed up."
"It’s so bad that when his brother recently asked him a basic question about the home-buying process, my husband had literally no idea how we even did it!"
"Lately, he has been obsessively insisting that we have kids."
"I strongly want children, but I have firmly refused to have them with him."
"If we have a baby, I know I will be stuck being pregnant, making every adult decision, working my long hours (with a 1-hour commute), and doing all the childcare while he plays games."
"To give him a chance to prove he could step up, I gave him two challenges:"
"I asked him to help with some weeding on his day off this week (Friday-sunday)."
"The weekend is over; he didn't touch the yard and just played games."
"I told him he was responsible for cooking for one month to show he can contribute."
"We are in week two and he hasn't cooked a single thing."
"Because of this, I've completely stopped caring and 'dropped the rope.'"
"I started cooking only small portions for myself and refuse to share with him. I left the yard work."
"The kitchen is a mess and the house is starting to stink."
"He finally put a few dishes in the dishwasher tonight, but I feel entirely checked out."
"I refuse to remind an adult of his basic duties anymore."
"I feel massive resentment."
"I've felt guilty because he supported us financially for two years while I was a full-time student, but back then, the dynamic was fair—he worked, and I handled the schooling AND 100% of the housework."
"Now, I work long hours, make $30k+ more than him, and I'm still expected to do everything."
"Even for my birthday, after telling him exactly what I like (flowers/spa gifts), he waited until the last minute and bought me an $8, tiny bottle of Jergens lotion from walmart."
"I feel like I'm raising a child, not living with a partner."
"I want out."
"AITA for giving up, letting the house go to mess, and refusing to have children with him?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was making the wrong decision by letting her house fall apart.
They agreed that the solution was not for the OP to put less effort into her marriage, but to stop putting any effort in at all, agreeing that if she saw no future in this marriage, she should just end it:
"You don’t have to stay with him and suffer for the rest of your life."- mothmn_9
"Sell the house, get the hell out."- rnmartinez
"YWBTA to yourself if you stayed in this sh*tty arrangement."
"NTA for checking out."
"Get your affairs in order, and leave."- animoot
"For the love of all things, do not have children with this man."- Effective-Working738
"NTA."
"Get yourself a therapist and start your exit plan."- Outrageous_Worker672
"NTA."
"Stop the passive-aggressive behavior and just divorce the kid."- Candid-Eye-5966
"My wife (we are both women) was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 16."
"She also has PTSD, CPTSD and was diagnosed with DID about 3 years ago (and wow, so much makes sense now that that's out in the open)."
"My wife uses gaming as her coping mechanism and her escape from reality."
"That being said, she also helps our son with homework, cleans, cooks several times a week, manages our budget, fetches me from work a lot (I can't drive), and holds down a decent job."
"You can use mental health as a reason nothing gets done."
"Or you can say 'I refuse to let my diagnosis completely ruin my life'."
"My wife never quits."
"She works on herself."
"She has SO. MUCH. TRAUMA. to heal from, but she always shows up."
"Yes, there are bad days."
"Yes, there are days when she can't get out of bed, when she is so depressed that it's hard to move."
"But we get through those."
"I pick up more around the house, I give her time to clear the hurdle, and then she's back."
"It's not easy."
"I have ADHD and depression, and often I also struggle to get things done."
"But I still do it, because I'm a grown adult who refuses to make the lack of dopamine in tasks my entire personality."
"My wife helps me stay on track, just as I help her."
"We are a team."
"I'm sorry your husband is like this."
"But he can make a choice."
"Either he steps up as a partner, or he doesn't get to be a partner anymore."- Rhylian85
"At the point you start challenging your partner with tests."
"You have probably already decided to leave, you are just looking for a reason."- PDX_Mike
"You deserve better."
"Divorce him and find a real partner, not a burden, while your childbearing years are still available."- Dramatic-Ant-9364
"Get a divorce."
"Your life is passing you by."- SufficientOpening218
"If you want children someday, and don’t want to be a single parent, you need to move on."- ditchdiggergirl
"NTA."
"But you have decisions to make."
"You’re only stuck if you decide to do nothing, which is to stay exactly where you are, mothering an adult."- mariruizgar
"Divorce is right there."
"Misery is no kind of life, and definitely not an environment for kids."- EROM4LIFE
"Why be miserable?"
"It isn't worth it."- deepriver63
"NTA."
"It’s time to get your ducks in a row to leave."
"It’s unlikely that he’ll change, and you shouldn’t want to risk staying with him and getting pregnant with the way you’re feeling."-dumbsugarplumb
"Letting the house go only hurts you...not him."
"Tell him firmly....shape up or ship out....and follow through on your threat."- DawgMom67
"You’re married to a man-child."
"He will not change because he’s comfortable with the status quo."
"You’re doing everything, and he doesn’t have to lift a finger."
"If you have kids, you’ll be doing about 99% of the work."
"He will only do the fun stuff."
"Get rid of this guy."
"He has no desire to do better."
"Don’t let him drag you down with him."- PrincessJasmine420
"My now ex-husband was exactly like this."
"He refused to do anything outside of games."
"Like not even have a job."
"He slowly built up a D&D following, which is fine."
"His idea of spending time together was asking me to watch him play games."
"Not really game together."
"Just me."
"Sitting there watching him."
"I could not interrupt, mind you."
"I would 'ruin his game' if I asked questions because I distracted him."
"We are now divorced, and I had to pay him upwards of $150k."
"It's unfortunate to marry someone like this, but cut your losses before he drags you straight to hell."- Electrical-Donut-854
Perhaps the OP's husband is determined to have a child he can play video games with?
Unfortunately, his behavior makes him completely unsuitable to become a parent right now.
Something the OP clearly agrees with.
Making it hard to disagree with the Reddit community, who feel that perhaps the OP's best bet for the future is to get out of this marriage.
