We’ve all known people who have specifically staged moments of their day to make them “Instagram-worthy.”
But the idea of taking pictures for revenge seems a little bizarre, admitted the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Decent_Slip7741 couldn’t help but laugh when his wife tried to prove a point by showing him photos she had taken of herself while completing tasks around the house.
When she was furious with him for his reaction, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he had been inappropriate.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for laughing at the absurdity of my wife taking pictures of herself cleaning?”
The OP was frustrated with his wife’s cleaning habits.
“I (36 male) work full-time and my wife (27 female) stays at home.”
“We’ve been married for five years. I have a good job so I’m happy to support her. We do not have children.”
“My wife is something of a slob. I know this isn’t the nicest thing to say about your partner, but she would happily step over a pile of clothes in our living room for a month before actually folding them.”
“During the daytime, she doesn’t really cook, clean, or do any housework at all.”
“She loves browsing the internet and watching Netflix, but beyond her interests, she can rarely gather up the energy to do much at all.”
“To be honest, before marriage when I lived alone, my house was much cleaner than it is now.”
He decided to talk to her about it.
“The bizarre thing about this situation is that she’s incredibly sensitive about the fact that she doesn’t really do much all day and denies it whenever it’s brought up.”
“I do my own laundry, prepare my own lunches, and oftentimes cook dinner.”
“She might do the dishes in the evening or she’ll leave them for the next day.”
“A few days ago, I got really tired of it because a pile of her stuff that I didn’t know where to put away had been sitting in our living room for over a week.”
“I told her that she really needs to get it together and learn how to clean, even a little, every day.”
“She fired back that she’s not a maid.”
“I responded that was clear because if she went to someone’s house, laid on their sofa, and watched Netflix for six hours, she would have been fired on her first day.”
His wife tried to make a point.
“The next day after I got home from work, my wife and I were still kind of in a Cold War.”
“She suddenly approached me and showed me pictures she took of herself cleaning during the day, repeating ‘See? This is what I do during the day.'”
“I couldn’t help myself and began laughing at how ridiculous it was.”
“I then said having a fake photoshoot like an Instagrammer didn’t mean she was doing a good job around the house.”
“She said I crossed the line. Now she’s sulking in her room.”
“I feel like she’s trying to emotionally manipulate me, but I could have pushed it too far.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP could approach the situation in a more constructive way.
“OP isn’t TA for being frustrated about it. But he’s a little bit TA for the way he’s expressing that frustration.”
“Calling her lazy* isn’t productive, and only serves to hurt his wife and make her feel defensive. A better approach would be to appeal to his wife’s empathy. Talk about how exhausted he is at the end of the day, and how overwhelming it feels to come home to several more hours of housework.”
“Maybe sit down together to make a list** of the daily and weekend tasks that need to be done and maybe agree on a time of day that you both buckle down and get it all done together.”
“I realize you likely wonder why she can’t get it done while she’s home all day, and that’s a legitimate question. But if she does have unidentified added difficulties, such as ADHD, the act of doing it together can be motivating, feel less overwhelming, and mirroring somebody else can be really helpful.”
“*Is ‘lazy’ even real? I’d argue all ‘laziness’ could more correctly be categorized by some other term. Tired. Overwhelmed. Focused on other priorities. Executive dysfunction. Lack of confidence. Mental health difficulties. Etc.”
“**The Sweepy app is great for house cleaning tasks, gives examples of tasks by room, and also suggests frequency to do them.”
“It’s very visual in helping you see what needs doing more urgently, and if you pay the couple bucks for the paid version, you can set up individual schedules for each person, and it’s gamified, which is great for those of us who have ADHD.” – ReasonableFig2111
“As the guy on the other end, having lists makes me into less of a f**kup. Gf will message me in the morning “do a load of laundry, empty dishwasher, vacuum rug, play with cats” and most days I knock out all items on the list.”
“Something to complete, with sub-completions also available, is key for me.”
“If OP can do a similar thing for his wife, it may bring both of them the beautiful happiness of compromise.” – 80H-d
“Executive dysfunction is the worst! It took me way too long to figure out that my chronic procrastination was a symptom, not just me being lazy.”
“Don’t tell my dad that, though! He’s still convinced the meds aren’t doing anything and I’ve just finally ‘grown up.'” – hobosonpogos
“Except no one WANTS to be viewed as a lazy piece of shit person. I thought this about myself for almost 2 decades before discovering what ADHD really is.”
“This isn’t a ‘my wife gets distracted by squirrels’ post. OP is describing a deep struggle those with ADHD identify with heavily. And that is the struggle of Executive Dysfunction, time blindness, and object permanence.”
“Do people with ADHD still need to be held accountable for their actions, f**k yeah they do, but do it with some d**n grace until they can learn to manage it. It’s f**king hard.” – SiuanSongs
“In the years before I was diagnosed with depression (later correctly identified as mixed-state bipolar), I was so overwhelmed by the idea of cleaning that I retreated into my comfort zone of reading rather than face the intense anxiety induced by simply the idea of cleaning.”
“And I felt so guilty about it that I would react defensively, just like OP’s wife.”
“OP, you might consider couples counseling, during which you can ask the counselor if evaluation by a psychiatrist would be a good idea.” – Rocket_scientists
Others were incredibly frustrated with the OP’s wife.
“WTF. Switch out genders and everyone will be up in arms about how the guy is a deadbeat and should be divorced.”
“NTA. Your wife is a slob and really needs to start contributing to your household, OP.” – DaOneSavvyPanda
“Yes, it’s possible she has ADHD or an executive dysfunction disorder. However, it’s also equally likely she’s just being lazy.”
“We have no evidence other than her not doing anything around the house to pull from. Occam’s Razor says that the most likely explanation is the simplest one.”
“It’s far more likely that she is just being lazy, and is embarrassed to be called out on her behavior than it is to make up a diagnosis for her based on the snapshot OP has provided and with no evidence to back it.” – that_ginger_927927
“But why does she not assume that cooking and cleaning are her contributions to the family?”
“It’s one thing if she was like, I know I should be cleaning more or cooking more, but I just can’t seem to do it. Then yeah, let’s work together on the problem, but she’s not trying to actually do more work.” – EnterCake
“I work and my husband stays home. When I get home dinner is cooked, the house is clean, and our dogs have been taken care of.”
“We didn’t have to have a conversation about what chores we would each do. He just does them, because he is at home. We do laundry on the weekends together.”
“As a mature adult, no one should have to explain what chores should be done in the home.” – Realistic-Try-6608
A few thought it sounded like there was something more going on with his wife.
“NTA but this sounds like me before I was on ADHD meds and antidepressants.” – McOctipus
“When your brain doesn’t brain the same way as other people, you can come across as lazy, messy, etc. when you’re really just struggling.” – URSmarterThanILook
“If you do something every day, then it becomes a habit. But you have to stay on task.”
“I have ADHD and it’s hard to clean. Then I feel guilty for not cleaning. I have to make lists of things that need to be done every day. The lists really help.”
“It’s easier to clean and takes less time if you do it often.”
“I also take mini breaks and reward myself after a task is completed with a video game, surfing the net, or watching tv for a set period of time. Then it’s back to the list.” – suzanious
“Has your wife spoken to her doctor about her lethargy?”
“If it’s pure laziness, obviously that’s on her.”
“And while a cleaning photoshoot is maybe silly, I think this is missing the big picture. Everything else sounds potentially like a serious mental illness such as depression or ADHD, a sleep disorder, or other physical illness that can cause chronic fatigue.”
“It may not actually be good for her mental health to be home all the time. I hated going back to work, but it was amazing for me to get out of the house. I really think she needs to speak with a professional about the possibility of depression.”
“She may need help, not mockery.”
“Women in their 20s can develop autoimmune disease, usually accompanied by fatigue that ramps up over years.”
“Even if she did not already have depression, ADHD, or similar: being isolated at home without structure or purpose is a recipe for disaster, it will lead to depression-like symptoms even if it doesn’t become a full true diagnosis.”
“All that said, I don’t personally think there’s an a**hole here. I think she needs a doctor’s visit and to get a job, even part-time to get out of the house and get structure and purpose in her days. As with most posts here, honest, adult communication will go a long way.” – SlammyWhammies
While the subReddit mostly agreed that the wife’s photographic efforts were a little on the silly side, they were divided on what the bigger picture was.
Some thought the wife was inherently lazy and needed to make an effort in the home, while others thought she needed to see a doctor to address her mental health.
The overwhelming majority, however, felt that many of the other Redditors’ concerns could be addressed through a thoughtful conversation between husband and wife, rather than laughing at her attempt to make a point.