We'd all like to think that we live in a progressive enough world where women aren't expected to be completely subservient to their husbands.
Unfortunately, not all people (specifically, not all men) feel this way.
Thankfully, most women know their worth, and have zero tolerance towards their husbands expecting to be waited on hand and foot.
Under any circumstances.
The husband of a recent Redditor had been working long hours, and was looking for a little respite.
Hence, while the original poster (OP) was out grocery shopping, they asked her to buy the makings for his favorite dinner, to which the OP agreed.
However, when he got home, he was not treated to the dinner he was expecting, and openly expressed his disappointment.
Something the OP had absolutely zero sympathy for.
Wondering if she had done anything wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not making the dinner that my husband requested?"
The OP explained why the home cooked meal she made for her husband was meant with disappointment and frustration:
"My (28 F[emale]) husband (31 M[ale]) and I have been married for a little over two years."
"I'm currently about 2 months pregnant with our first child."
"My husband works as the general manager of a local fast food franchise."
"I'm not under employment anywhere, but I do a lot of freelance technical writing work from home."
"My husband's position pays surprisingly well with good benefits, but he's been having to put in a ton of hours lately, as staffing has been a major problem."
"The other day, he texted me to let me know that he would be working late; AGAIN, for the fourth time this week."
"A little later, I texted him that I was going grocery shopping and asked if there was anything special he'd like me to pick up while I was there."
"He responded: 'Get me a couple packs of peach sparkling water, please'."
"'Also, I could really use some comfort food'."
"'You think I could get some meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and corn?'"
"I responded with thumbs up and winking, kissing face emojis."
"I bought him everything he asked for."
"However, I had already thawed pork chops for dinner that night, and, honestly, they were on the verge of going bad so I had to use them up."
"When my husband got home, he asked where his meatloaf was."
"I told him that I'd bought the ingredients but that I wasn't serving meatloaf that night."
"He then said that this was the one thing he'd been looking forward to for the past couple of hours, and that I'd made it seem as if I was going to make it for him."
"I told him that I'd never said any such thing, and that I'm not his domestic servant, taking dinner orders."
"He shot back that if I didn't want to make what he asked for that I should have just said so, but I said that all I'd indicated was that I'd pick up the food, not that I'd make his requested meal that evening."
"This whole thing could probably be written off as a miscommunication, but, honestly, I'm angry that my husband seems to assume that I'm at his beck and call to make whatever meal he wants."
"And he's angry that I apparently 'can't do one nice thing for him when he asks'."
"Who's the AH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found very little sympathy from the Reddit community, who generally agreed that she was the a**hole for not cooking her husband his requested dinner.
Everyone agreed that the OP's text did suggest that she had agreed to cook him the dinner he asked for, with many also finding that the OP overreacted, as her husband clearly didn't expect her to cater to his every need, just requested a dinner which she seemed to agree to make:
"YTA."
"Tbh this text made it seem like you were making that."
"You thumbed up the message and did a kissy face about it."
"I'm a women, yeah if someone texted me that I would think they would be making it for dinner that night."
"The confusing is pretty understandable on his part and his disappointment makes sense."- BuilderWide1961
"YTA."
"The way I would have read that from his perspective was that he'd be coming home to meatloaf, seeing as you said you'd make it."
"Your message response is 100% the response you'd send if you're planning on making what he asked for, seriously you gave him a thumbs up."
"Now you're saying sh*t about him assuming you're at his beck and call, when it was clearly you that agreed to make it and then didn't."
"You could have saved yourself a lot of headaches by simply saying that you'd already take pork chops out, but maybe you could make meatloaf tomorrow."- HugeInTheShire
"YTA."
"You misled him into thinking that dinner would be what he asked for (even though you knew you would be cooking something else)."
"He returned home, salivating in anticipation of these dishes."- InesMM78
"YTA."
"You may not be at your husband's beck and call, but you knew exactly what he was implying when he asked for his comfort food."
"You know he is stressed and working hard for his family, and the staffing issues are not going to get better anytime soon."
"You sent cute emojis in response to his request."
"You never stated it could not happen."
"You gave the impression it was going to happen."
"All you had to do was shoot him a text, 'hey babe, I forgot about these pork chops'."
"'I need to make them instead'."
"Instead, you let him think all day that he was coming home to his favorite meal."
"I have done this many a time as well, had meat out, or had in fridge and then never got to use it."
"I have cooked a few things in one night so as not to let the meat go to waste."
"Pork chops and the meat loaf could have been baked together at the same time."
"Pork chops could have been used the next night or for lunches."
"I say this as one who has a hard-working husband as well, and my Brown sugar meat loaf is one of his favorite meals."- Worth-Season3645
"There was no miscommunication."
"You agreed to something and you backtracked."
"He's not treating you as a servant."
"He's treating you as his wife who agreed to make a certain dinner after you specifically requested that he choose dinner, and then you backed out."
"If you didn't want to make the meatloaf, you shouldn't have asked him what he wanted, and you shouldn't have agreed to it."
"YTA."- IAmTAAlways
"Clearly YTA."
"You thawed out pork chops."
"They were FROZEN, so they weren't close to going bad."
"You could have wrapped them up, stuck them in the fridge,e and cooked them the next day."
"They would have survived one more day."
"This, [thumbs-up emoji] and this, [kiss emoji] would certainly make me believe you were going to make me meatloaf."
"So, so much TA."
"I'm irritated over this on his behalf right now."- Duin-do-ghob
"YTA."
"He asked you do to something, you told him you would and then didn't communicate plans changed."
"So, of course, he's disappointed."
"The pork chops would have kept for tonight's dinner."
"Sounds like you did this to punish him for working late AGAIN!"
"Communication is important in a marriage."- wayward_painter
"Everyone else already made most of the comments I would, but also, why the griping about him working late AGAIN?"
"That is what managing a restaurant involves, and you're not complaining about the $ it brings in."
"He logically expected you were agreeing to is polite request and that helped get him through the extra hours."
"That is NOT expecting you to be at his 'beck and call'."
"Honestly, you sound exhausting."
"YTA."- terraformingearth
"YTA."
"This is Reddit, where all husbands are lazy and entitled and don't do anything around the house."
"And you're STILL getting almost exclusively negative reactions from men and women."
"Your husband is not entitled to Meat Loaf, but when you tell him that you are going to make it, and that is what he is expecting, he has every right to be upset."- ElGato6666
"What the hell does being pregnant have to do with this story?"
"YTA."- PsychologicalMonk354
"YTA."
"You 100% made it seem like you were making meatloaf, mash potatoes, and corn."
"You aren't the a**hole for not making it, you are the a**hole for pretending like you don't understand why he was disappointed."
"Your communication was off/wrong."
"He is aloud to be disappointed and upset by the lack of meatloaf."- funsized1217
It would be one thing if the OP's husband demanded that she make meatloaf.
But that wasn't the case. He merely asked her if she might be able to, to which she said yes.
It is understandable why he might have been disappointed to come home and find pork chops.
If the OP thinks this was a case of miscommunication, perhaps she should sharpen her fluency with emojis.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp