How assets are split in a will can cause a lot of resentment and fighting. But splitting everything equally doesn't guarantee harmony either.
A son turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback over his inheritance.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
HauntingArtichoke830 asked:
"AITAH for resenting my parents for leaving an equal share of inheritance to my estranged brother?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My dad recently passed away and left equal share of his very sizable estate (well over $10 million) to my brother."
"To paint a picture, my brother was a terror all of my life. He was always getting into trouble, picking fights, disrespectable, and unmanageable to the point my parents sent him away to boarding school."
"When he got older, things didn't get much better. He was always the same selfish brat he always was. Only came around when he needed money. When he was around, he treated my parents like servants and constantly berated them and me. He was throwing tantrums whenever he didn't get his way well into his 30s."
"It got to the point my parents went through a 6 year period where they did not talk or communicate at all. When my mom passed away, he didn't even bother to check in on our dad while I single-handedly helped plan the funeral."
"Then my dad also got sick. I, being the good son who was expected to behave, immediately dropped everything to move from half-way across the country to back home so I could take care of him. Spent 4 years taking him to doctors appointments and helping out however I could. Turned down promotions because it meant losing my flexibility that allowed me to care for him."
"When he was getting close to end of life, he reached out to my brother to try and make amends. Surprisingly, he came home, but it didn't take log before my brother started another fight, cussed him out, and walked out of the hospital room."
"He finally passed away recently and I was shocked to learn he had split his estate equally between me and my brother. I didn't expect him to completely disown him, but I certainly didn't expect the estate to be split exactly down the middle."
"I couldn't help but feel a small amount of resentment towards my dad. My brother did nothing but make our entire family's life miserable all his life, while I bent over backwards and sacrificed trying to help my family."
"It's not about the money, but that through the will, despite everything, he was calling me and my brother equals."
"AITAH for feeling resentful about the equal split of the inheritance?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was fine to feel resentment, but it was his parents money to do with whatever they wanted.
"An inheritance is not always a ranking system for who loved harder or sacrificed more. A lot of parents simply split things equally because they see both children as their children regardless of flaws."
"At the end of the day it was your father’s money and he chose to treat both of his children equally. You do not have to agree with his decision, but I think you should respect it." ~ Fit-Community-7351
"YTA. No one is entitled to an inheritance. Your dad could've willed his entire estate to charity. Take your over $5 million and just get on with your life." ~ bugabooandtwo
"NAH. Your dad had his reasons for doing what he did. Be responsible with the money you got and you can probably watch your brother piss his share away. I'm sure you can use a few dollars of that to change your phone number." ~ Difficult-Bicycle119
"Your father did you a favor as now you don’t have to go through any legal shenanigans with your brother for anything he thinks he was 'owed'—and you can bet he would have felt entitled to half. Be happy it is now your choice whether you ever engage with him again because you don’t owe him anything." ~ True-Tangerine9901
"Ultimately, our parents money is not our money. Would you feel better if your Dad had left everything to an animal shelter instead of his children?"
"I get that you feel bitter about it, I would too. But you should take this as a gift. If it was more on your side than your brother's, do you think he would try to fight that? This way, no arguments and no potential legal battles."
"And you never have to talk to your brother again if you don't want to. He'll try to come back to you when he blows through that money. And you can tell him to f*ck all the way off—you didn't get more than him, so his problems are his alone to deal with for the rest of his life."
"Take your inheritance and act intelligently with it. And maybe change your number if your brother has it." ~ Ladygytha
"Your parents may have felt they were at fault for how your brother turned out and responsible for providing for him even after they died."
"You don’t have to feel that way, not that you do, and with an even split he has no right to expect anything from you."
"Go no contact and enjoy your freaking over $5 million." ~ Flimsy-Fortune-6437
"I've seen so much drama over inheritances that my philosophy is that my parents owe me nothing, and I'm not going to waste my emotional energy over stuff when they do pass. Maybe I can say that because I know how they are dividing their estate, but maybe not."
"I've just seen people in my family discussing the things their siblings got or didn't get for the past two decades, and in the end, you can't take it with you. More strife has been caused because of physical things, and I'm just over it. I can't have children, so, for me, it'll go to my siblings or niece and nephew, anyway." ~ viacrucis1689
"NTA. I completely understand why you feel the way you do. I would too."
"Him splitting it equally was probably a blessing in disguise, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it. If your dad didn't split it equally, I'm sure your brother would have made your life hell. He would have hounded you, maybe contested the will, tried to destroy your reputation in the court of public approval. You're now free to block him out of your life completely."
"Best thing you can do is move on, live your best life. Be careful with your money and don't ever let anyone know you have it. Don't ever comingle that money with anyone else's, including a romantic partner. Best of luck to you." ~ cultoftwinkies
"You’re NTA, but it will get you nowhere to be resentful. You cannot change what your father did. Enjoy the inheritance you received. Continue to be no contact with your brother and if he blows through the money, don’t give him one red cent because he got an equal share." ~ jamjar20
"You have a five-million dollar inheritance AND a clean conscience. Take the win and don't let bitterness steal your peace. Get therapy if you can't deal with this on your own." ~ woodwitchofthewest
"If the brother had been given less (or nothing) he would have made it his mission to make OP’s life miserable. This is actually a good outcome where OP can tell his brother to f*ck off if he ever comes crawling back for money after blowing his." ~ rncikwb
"NTA. You got $5mil. Take it. Move on and never think of him again." ~ Xentemplar
"OP, Dad was protecting you! Do you have any idea how your brother would have acted if he didn't get "his fair share"? This would have been a protracted court battle."
"Enjoy what you received, block your brother, and don't help him in the future." ~ Glittering_Win_9677
"NTA, because feelings happen. In the end, literally, it was your dad’s money and reasoning as to why the inheritance was split that way. Your lived experience isn’t the same as yours dad’s lived experience."
"You have no idea what went on in his heart and mind. You either took care of your dad because you wanted/felt obligated or you did it specifically for the inheritance. If you did it because you felt like it was the right thing to do, let this go. Zero point in even thinking about it." ~ No_Jaguar67
"NTA, but have you considered that your dad may have done this for your benefit? He knew if he didn't give your brother his full share, he'd be coming at you to try to get it." ~ readergirl35
"NTA, but what part of your life would you have changed? Would you prefer to have been estranged from your parents? Would you have preferred that your dad die alone?"
"Point is, not only did you get the money, but you also got a relationship with your parents, and your brother will never have that." ~ pineboxwaiting
OP has the knowledge that he treated his parents well and he can cut all ties with his brother if he wants.
His brother got an equal share of their parents' estate, so OP doesn't have to deal with him ever again.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp