CW: Suicide
Squabbling over money and belongings after a person’s death is an awful experience.
It makes the grieving process that much more difficult.
Rarely does everyone behave in the right way.
Ugly things get said and feelings get hurt.
But often it can be unavoidable.
Redditor CharacterQuality5429 wanted to discuss her experience and get feedback, so she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“WIBTA if I don’t ‘share’ the inheritance that I received from a friend with her daughter?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (F[emale] 32) recently came into an inheritance when my neighbor and close friend, Valorie (F 68), died.”
“I met Valorie when I moved into my condo in 2018 and she became my next door neighbor.”
“Our places are on the top floor and have almost connecting balconies.”
“We used to spend every Saturday morning outside taking care of our plant babies and chatting.”
“I had learned that Valorie had been a widow since she was 55.”
“I got the impression that she had married young and never had a true chance to learn who she was until after Garry had died.”
“I had always thought that Valorie was alone in the world.”
“Turns out that Valorie had had one child, a daughter, Sam (F 44).”
“However, they had been estranged since the early 2000s.”
“The story that Valorie told me was that Sam had come out as gay when she was just out of high school.”
“That did not sit well with Garry.”
“He told Sam that she was no longer his daughter and kicked her out; telling her to never contact them or come home again.”
“The whole situation broke Valorie’s heart and it was her biggest regret in life.”
“She told me that she had always wished she had tried to fight for Sam, but in the moment she was so shocked that she watched the whole thing happen without saying a word.”
“When I had first heard that story, I asked if she had ever tried to reach out.”
“Valorie told me that she hadn’t because she didn’t know how to even try.”
“So I did some internet sleuthing and found Sam on Facebook.”
“It turns out that Sam had managed to build a good life for herself.”
“I helped Valorie draft a heartfelt message to Sam.”
“Valorie apologized for everything and told Sam how much her perspectives had changed over the years. “
“Valorie also asked if they could try and build a new relationship.”
“We sent the message and saw that Sam had seen and maybe read the message, but Sam never responded.”
“About a month ago, I got home from work to find Valorie had passed away on her balcony.”
“She had suffered an embolism.”
“I sent the link to her obituary and memorial page to Sam.”
“I didn’t see Sam at the funeral.”
“There is a lawyer handling all of Valorie’s affairs.”
“I thought that I would simply grieve the loss of my friend and eventually would have a new neighbor.”
“I never expected me to be the only person who Valorie mentioned in her will.”
“Let alone to have been left everything.”
“A few days ago Sam messaged me.”
“She was upset and demanded that I give her Valorie’s things.”
“Claiming that I took advantage of an old widow.”
“I was upset when I first read Sam’s message and thought, ‘Who does she think she is? She hasn’t spoken to Valorie in literal decades and never responded when Valorie tried to reach out. Now Valorie is her mother and that entitles her to Valorie’s stuff?'”
“Now I wonder if I should do something for Sam.”
“I go back and forth about what Valorie would want me to.”
“Valorie knew where Sam was, so she could have included Sam somehow.”
“The lawyer I talked to said that the inheritance is completely mine and that Sam has no claim, but should I give Sam something?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“There’s always three sides to every story.”
Side A, Side B, and the truth in the middle.”
“You don’t know what happened between the two of them, not really.”
“So, I’d be very careful of villifying anyone.”
“I had a friend who was kicked out and whose mom cut contact because they came out as gay.”
“Their mom acted like their child was the one who abandoned and mistreated them and played the victim to anyone who would listen.”
“It’s not always so simple when family doesn’t come around.”
“I don’t think you need to give up any cash.”
“But I WOULD offer her pictures and mementos in the house that she may like.”
“Not everything, mind you, but a few things that might remind her of her mom, or pictures that she’d like (if there are any). NTA.” ~ TheSciFiGuy80
“NTA, and I think this is the right of it.”
“If Sam is interested in something of her mother’s as a keepsake or momento, then that’s a discussion to have.”
“If Sam is only interested in a financial inheritance, that tells you what you need to know.”
“Sam might have valid reasons to be no contact with her mother.”
“Valorie could have been looking at her own history with very rose coloured glasses.”
“But in a very real sense, you have no claim on a person you completely cut ties with, for better or for worse, and so Sam has no claims on her mom.” ~ rockology_adam
“NTA. I found myself in a similar situation a year ago.”
“My then partner of 12 years took his life.”
“Unbeknownst to me, I was made his beneficiary to a small insurance settlement.”
“I immediately reached out to his family to get info on his 2 minor daughters.”
“Was going to give them both some money for college.”
“Without knowing why I was contacting his family (the mother and his sister), they were horrible to me.”
“Called me every name in the book.”
“They actually had a memorial service for him and ‘forgot’ to tell me. “
“Nevermind that I supported this man and his daughters financially for years.”
“After they hung up on me for the 90th time, I’d had enough.”
“I kept every penny.”
“And I still don’t feel bad.” ~ Tall_Support_801
“I agree, I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find it.”
“If Gary was the issue, why didn’t she try to find Sam right after he passed away?”
“Why didn’t she include her in the will as a final gesture of goodwill?”
“OP, I think your heart was in the right place, but the issues with her daughter were likely significantly deeper than she told you.”
“The version of your friend you knew was far from the full truth.”
“NTA, but I feel awful for Sam.” ~ alchemyshaft
“NTA, because you don’t know this other person so it isn’t on you to fix, but dear lord your friend was an awful mother.”
“She disowned her child for being gay, and the full extent of her trying to make amends was a Facebook message. C’mon.” ~ NandoDeColonoscopy
“NTA. Valorie included only you in her will, not anyone else.”
“So basically now it’s up to you what you want to do with it.”
“The obvious choice should be to call Sam and ask if she wants any personal things that belong to her mother.”
“As for money, I don’t think so, you should give it to her because Valorie didn’t include her in the will even if she could.”
“Take legal advice if you need to.” ~ GForcePi
“NTA, you don’t really know what happened years ago, maybe Valorie wasn’t as much an ‘innocent bystander’ as she claims, but you do know what happened once you reached out and the daughter never tried to make contact.”
“You could offer the daughter pictures and other sentimental items, but if she only seems interested in items of value.”
“You have your answer.” ~ Free_Science_1091
“NTA. Sam read the message, chose to not respond.”
“You were Valorie’s friend, even helping locate her daughter.”
“Grieve your friend, and know you were the person closest to her heart.” ~ CheeseMakingMom
“NAH at least no living ones.”
“Sam isn’t an a**hole for feeling like her mother abandoned her and did too little too late.”
“She also isn’t an a**hole for feeling doubly betrayed by being cut out of the will, it’s like she was abandoned all over again.”
“Remember her mother did absolutely nothing while her father disowned her for being gay and continued to do nothing after he died.”
“Sending one email does not absolve her from hurting her child for years.”
“You’re not an a-hole for accepting the inheritance, but I’d at least consider letting Sam have a few of her mother’s things.” ~ SL8Rgirl
“NTA… technically, but the only reason the daughter didn’t inherit anything is because she’s gay and her mom abandoned her.”
“One facebook message two decades later isn’t sh*t for reconciliation.”
“It’s barely even an attempt.”
“So something to consider is how comfortable are you with receiving an inheritance that you only got because the mother was bigoted and abandoned her child for being gay?”
“You might not be TA technically, but it certainly doesn’t make you a very good person.” ~ SnooChipmunks770
“NTA. Even if she didn’t have contact with her daughter, she could have still left her everything.”
“If she didn’t have a will, that’s what would have happened as Sam is next of kin.”
“Also, the fact that Sam knows you got everything and she didn’t means that she did some searching into her mom’s probate. She wouldn’t have been contacted by anyone as she didn’t get anything so she had to do the contacting.”
“If she is asking for things, then you should probably offer a few items.”
“Pictures and possibly mementos from her parents.”
“She could regret not responding when her mom reached out.”
“But make sure to discuss what kind of liability that would open you up to.”
“She could be fishing to get you to hand over something in order to sue the estate to get the rest.”
“People do some crazy stuff.”
“But as someone who has lost a parent, it’s not crazy to think she might want something from her parents.” ~ Rad_kerr
“NTA. Your lawyer is correct.”
“Sam couldn’t bother to answer her mother’s plea to start again, and she didn’t even show up for her mother’s funeral.”
“She’s now demanding everything her mom left to you.”
“She had a chance to reconcile and blew it off.”
“She deserves none of the inheritance.”
“It’s yours to do with as you wish.” ~ Alicat52
“NTA… but after the estate has been settled, you might offer Sam whatever mementos she would like to have.”
“You’re not going to take over Valerie’s furniture, household stuff, and other things anyway, and if it means something to Sam, let her have her pick. Jewelry?”
“If she picks a diamond bracelet, why would you refuse her?”
“You didn’t expect to inherit from Valerie so you wouldn’t miss it.”
“But after the estate has been settled.”
“If you do it before then, all kinds of legal issues might arise.”
“And run it by your lawyer so that a suitable offer can be made without landing you in lawsuits about undue influence and such.”
“Legally, the daughter isn’t entitled to anything.”
“But humanly, I feel for her.”
“Even if she takes her mother’s precious stuff and sells it immediately, that’s her final goodbye to her parents.” ~ SpiritedLettuce6900
“NTA, though I wish you’d made it clearer who Garry was.”
“The inheritance is rightfully yours, but giving her some sort of memento, maybe old pictures or a piece of clothing, would be a kindness.”
“Sam was out of line to make demands and accuse you of things, but maybe cut her some slack, she was thrown out of her family and in pain that will now never be resolved.”
“People in pain often lash out inappropriately.” ~ MarionberryPlus8474
“NAH. But you’ve only considered one side of the argument, and even that didn’t paint your friend in a good light.”
“You didn’t expect this inheritance, so it’s just a bonus. Why not share it with someone who was obviously treated very, very badly by her mother?” ~ Limp_Buy_4016
“NTA. The daughter’s contact seemed to come after she discovered she wasn’t about to inherit her mother’s estate.”
“Whatever the rights and wrongs of events a quarter century ago, you were there for the mother, and I suspect she saw you as a substitute daughter and treated you as such in her will.”
“Reddit – being Reddit – will likely advise you to hand over not just everything of your neighbors but also your own house and all your possessions in penance for being friends with Valerie who in their opinion is undoubtedly evil incarnate.”
“Those giving such advice would be unlikely to follow it were they in your position.”
“Nothing was stopping Valerie from leaving everything to her daughter.”
“She didn’t.”
“I’d offer the daughter personal mementos and keepsakes but nothing more.” ~ Globetrotting_Oldie
“NTA. Regardless of the past, Sam suddenly showing up when there’s an inheritance points heavily to her not giving a s**t about her mother, just getting some free cash.”
“Claiming you ‘took advantage of an old widow’ is just trying to put you on the defensive and pay up to prove you didn’t.”
“If she wants anything other than personal items and mementos, I’d tell her no.”
“Valerie obviously left the choice up to you, so it’s your call if you want to give her money just because she demands it.” ~ ColdAndGrumpy
“NTA. If she wanted to leave her child something, she would have.”
“Simple as that.” ~ your-mom04605
“NTA. She ignored overtures of reconciliation, but as soon as her mother passed suddenly, she needed her stuff?”
“Ignore her like she did you.” ~ GalOfThunder
“NTA, but what exactly are you thinking of giving her?”
“I doubt that there are any remaining mementos of the happy childhood she probably didn’t have.” ~ Brother-Cane
OP gave an update:
“Thank you to everyone who has commented and gave me the outside perspective that I needed.”
“I’m shocked at the volume of people who have reacted to this.”
“I was really only hoping to have a handful of responses to help me think.”
“I do want to clarify some things that I wasn’t able to in the original post due to the character limits.”
“I first want to address the timeline of events…”
“Sam was kicked out in the early 2000s.”
“I think it was in 2002.”
“Garry died in 2011.”
“Valorie sold the ‘family home’ and downsized to her condo in 2013, because the house was too big for just her.”
“I moved into my condo in 2018.”
“I learned about Sam, Valorie wrote the letter, and we sent it to Sam in 2022.”
“Valorie retired and had her will and estate set up at the end of 2023.”
“Valorie died on January 23, 2025.”
“The funeral was on January 31, 2025.”
“I messaged Sam as soon as the funeral arrangements were finalized.”
“Sam messaged me this past Sunday on February 23, 2025.”
“To clarify some questions that people had about the estate…”
“It’s currently in the formal probate process.’
“Valorie was a legal secretary for a family law office, and the lawyer she worked with specialized in estate law.”
“She had a full carrier there, and as part of her retirement package, that lawyer helped her set up her will and take care of the estate.”
“This is the lawyer who told me that everything is being done by the book, that everything will be fully settled in a few months, and that all of Valorie’s wishes are being carried out to the letter.”
“I have taken Reddit’s advice and will be speaking to a different lawyer about both my legal interests in the estate and how to communicate with Sam.”
“I still haven’t responded to her, because I haven’t been sure how.’
“Her initial message was extremely harsh and attacking, and that is what triggered that first emotional and protective response in me.”
“I’m trying to take Reddit’s advice and be empathetic to Sam’s situation.”
“However, that is challenging because Sam has continued to send me a few additional messages demanding that I respond and calling me a ‘heartless b**ch’ and ‘a homophobic bigot’ among other things.”
“I’m not going to respond until after I’ve talked to that lawyer and can do it in the right way.”
“I do think that Reddit is right and that if Sam wants any sentimental items, she should have them because they might help her healing.”
“I do want to be clear that the estate is not very big and is very simple.”
“All that Valorie had was her condo and her car. “
“That car was more valuable to her than it is on the market.”
“It’s a 2014 model of a daily-driver.”
“I hold the spare key to Valerie’s condo and have been in to clear out the kitchen and to take care of her plant babies because I can’t bear to see them die too.”
“It’s been really strange being in that space without her.”
“I’ve been given permission to start cleaning out the condo, but not to get rid of anything.”
“I’m going to spend this weekend going through her things and organizing them into boxes.”
“I don’t know what type of sentimental items that I’ll find, because Valorie doesn’t have any family photos on display in her place.”
“There are no photos of Sam and no photos of Garry; not even wedding photos.”
“I can’t speak to the Valorie who Sam knew.”
“I do know that in her younger years Valorie was an active member of the LDS church, but that she had stopped being religious by the time that I knew her.”
“The Valorie who I knew was by no means a bigot.”
“I knew her as a kind, loving, and accepting person.”
“She knew that I’m bi and never judged me for it.”
“She has a Pride flag hanging on her balcony, and she used to attend Pride parades as one of those ally moms/grandmas who would hug and be supportive to the LGBTQ+ youth who had no one.”
“I knew her as someone who was trying to make amends to the universe.”
“When I first heard the story about Sam, I was shocked because that just didn’t line up with the Valorie that I knew.”
“Valorie did have her own Facebook account and knew how to use it, but Sam was not easy to find.”
“It took me a few months to track her down.”
“We used Facebook Messenger because that was our only means of contacting Sam.”
“The ‘message’ was a 4-5 page letter where Valorie told Sam everything and completely shared her soul.”
“Valorie only reached out once because, ‘Sam was so much like her father and I don’t want to push her or hurt her further by pestering. I’ve told her everything I can until she responds.'”
“The only direct communication that I’ve had with Sam was the Facebook messages I sent her about Valorie’s death.”
“I think that covered everyone’s questions.”
“Thank you all for providing me with new perspectives; it’s been helpful.”
“There’s been interest in all of this, so if people want any further updates after probate, I’ll try and provide them.”
That is a lot to digest, OP.
It seems like Valerie tried to make amends to the best of her abilities.
You are caught in the middle, which is never fun.
But it sounds like you have formulated a good plan.
Don’t feel bad about keeping much of what has been left to you.
It was Valerie’s wish.
Good luck!
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/