So many people have felt abandoned by loved ones when they were at their lowest in life.
Sometimes, people never truly get over it.
That's why it can feel suspect when the person who left suddenly reappears.
Trust isn't always an easy thing to give them.
Redditor VacationWeary7466 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to share my inheritance with my entitled sister after she cut me off for 10 years?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So, here's some backstory..."
"My (28 M[ale]) older sister (35 F[emale]) cut me off completely about 10 years ago when I was 18, shortly after our parents died in a car accident."
"She basically abandoned me during one of the toughest times of my life because I wasn't 'mature' enough, and she wanted to live her life freely."
"No calls, no texts, no support."
"I had to work multiple jobs to support myself and pay for college, all on my own."
"Fast forward to a month ago, I inherited a substantial amount of money from our maternal grandfather."
"It was an unexpected inheritance, but it's changed my life."
"Suddenly, my sister is back in the picture, acting like we're the closest family in the world."
"She starts hinting at financial struggles and how tough life has been for her."
"I told her outright that I wasn't interested in sharing my inheritance, especially after she abandoned me for a decade."
"She got extremely angry and accused me of being selfish and 'ungrateful' because 'we're family.'"
"My friends are saying I'm not in the wrong, but a few family members think I should be more 'forgiving.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for standing my ground and refusing to give her any money?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. She abandoned you."
"Should she have been responsible for you and helped with college so you wouldn't have needed loans? No."
"She was barely 25 and absolutely entitled to her own life."
"But to cut you off and pretend you don't exist?"
"To not be there and try to work through her grief and your grief together?"
"That was cruel and made it clear she did not consider you family."
"She also didn't have much of a relationship with Grandpa either since he left her nothing."
"Give her precisely the help and care she gave you!!" ~ Apprehensive_War9612
"It's stories like this that are the reason I read this sub."
"So nice when you get to tell someone to eff off and let the karma train hit them."
"NTA of course."
"Rub her face in it, too." ~ National_Pension_110
"NTA. Presumably, your maternal grandfather would have left her money too if he'd wanted to."
"Maybe he did."
"Even if he only left it to you, it could easily be intended as recompense for how you'd had to get started as an adult without any parental support."
"Shame he didn't help you earlier, of course, but perhaps he didn't know if he could spare it." ~ calling_water
"NTA. Your grandfather left the inheritance to you for a reason."
"If he wanted to leave her something or half of what he left you he would have." ~ Kris82868
"Nope. NTA at all."
"Your sister is so foul for that and the audacity and entitlement is just through the roof."
"You aren't wrong to let her a** suffer."
"Karma doesn't miss... lol." ~ Fantastic-Gas6531
"NTA. She's laughable."
'Block her. You already told her why you're saying no - you do not have to continue the conversation."
"Remind your family members that the ONLY reason she contacted you was for money, not because she missed you."
"She made her choice 10 years ago." ~ Ladyooh
"NTA, your sister is."
"If your grandfather had wanted her to have an inheritance, he would have left her one."
"Also, she abandoned you when you needed her most, and not just for a couple of months while she was grieving (people can do some odd things in grieving), but for 10 years."
"You are not suddenly 'family' just because you now have something she wants."
"Tell her to go f**k herself and never contact you again." ~ Equivalent-Moose2886
"Definitely NTA."
"She cut you out of her life for 10 years, and now the only reason she has reconnected with you is because she wants your money."
"If she cared about family, she would have been there for you when you needed her." ~ ExistenceRaisin
OP responded...
"Exactly! If she actually cared about family, she would have been there when I needed her most, not when there's money involved."
"Not falling for it now."
Reddit continued...
"NTA... threw her words exactly as she said them right back at her."
"Maybe she'll see/hear the irony." ~ TieNervous9815
"Exactly. Where were you my sister, my family when Mom and Dad died? Hmmm?"
"Also if granddad wanted to leave money to the sis, he would have." ~ GardenSafe8519
"This! OP, NTA!"
"What an awful woman!" ~ jlaw1791
"Exactly! You can forgive her, (for your own sake), but that doesn't mean you have to share your inheritance or even keep her in your life."
"Your grandfather left that money to you. Not her." ~ Lumpy_Ear2441
"Those family members who think you should be forgiving should start their own inheritance fund for your sister if they feel so strongly about it."
"Bold of them to have an opinion on assets that aren't theirs to give. NTA."
"My condolences for the loss of your grandparents and your parents before them."
"I truly wish you the best success in life." ~ HighlyImprobable42
"What, exactly, are you meant to be grateful for?"
"The decade of abandonment or the sudden interest in closeness now that you have money?"
"Either way, NTA, and I would resume your N[o] C[ontact] with your sister." ~ Free_Dragonfruit_250
"NTA. Tell your sister that you will treat her 'like family' the same way she treated you 'like family' for the past 10 years."
"Tell those family members who think you should 'be more forgiving' that they said nothing to your sister when your sister abandoned you just after your parents died when you were just 18."
"So their words now mean nothing now."
"Or even if they did say something to her, it would be no more effective now than it was then."
"I'm sorry you lost your parents, and I'm sorry your sister is an AH." ~ swillshop
"Don't give her a cent."
"If your grandfather wanted to give her an inheritance, he would have made it clear before he passed. NTA." ~ TheRipley78
"Enjoy your money and invest it and live happily."
"Screw your sister I would block her on everything." ~ hard-of-haring
"NTA. Not only did she cut you off, but it was at a very traumatic time and you were barely an adult."
"She made her choice 10-year-old ago." ~ yramt
"One way that you could show your relatives that it's about personal relationships and not money is telling your sister that you're open to working on healing the relationship, but no money will ever be offered."
"Let her show that she never cared about repairing your relationship and only was greedy for money." ~ RecordingNo7280
"I'm so sick of people being called selfish for not sharing money, car, house."
"No one has to share their belongings."
"NTA 💯 if you didn't have this money, she wouldn't be sniffing around."
"You keep all of it and enjoy your life!!!" ~ Antique_Wafer8605
"The point is that forgiveness is more about the benefit for the wronged party."
"Reconciliation (separate thing) is about restoring the relationship."
"The way I've explained this is that when someone wrongs you, they now owe you a debt."
"Not forgiving them means that you're expending energy thinking about how you were wronged, wanting the wrong-doer to apologize/make amends/'pay' the debt."
"Forgiveness just means that you stop chasing them down demanding they apologize/pay that debt."
"You're releasing the energy and not putting anything towards the wrong that was done."
"But reconciliation requires the wrong-doer to truly have remorse and do what is possible to make amends."
"Even if the wrong-doer does have remorse/tries to make amends, the wronged party can say, 'I appreciate that, but I'd still prefer to have no further contact.'"
"OP is NTA and not responsible for sharing any of the inheritance."
"Presumably OP's maternal grandfather is also sister's maternal grandfather... and if said maternal grandfather had wanted OP's sister to have an inheritance, it would have happened."
"And if they're half-siblings through OP's father, then the sister shouldn't even have a thought about OP's inheritance from someone unrelated to her." ~ HoneyedVinegar42
"Nope NTA."
"I wouldn't give her any of it."
"If she couldn't be there for you for ten years she has no business trying to come back and act like you two are besties." ~ Easton_HJE
"NTA. She clearly just wants the money, but why didn't she inherit anything?"
"Most grandparents don't leave everything to one grandchild, was she left out or did she blow hers already?" ~ HugeInTheShire
"Not quite sure how you are ungrateful."
"I mean she hasn't done anything for you."
"Selfish. Again she is no contact until she needs something."
"You are just following her lead by providing her with the exact same level of family responsibility she has provided you over the last 10 years."
"NTA. Block her on everything." ~ Hawaiianstylin808
"Nope, please, give her nothing, not even your attention."
"She showed you how much she valued you already, the only value that changed was the value of your bank account. NTA." ~ Netflickingthebean
"NTA. But tell her you will think about it and get back to you in another decade."
"Maybe you will have made a decision by then." ~ Change2001
"Of course, you're NTA here, she is."
"Let her stew."
"She's not your problem as she chose her nonfamilial path over a decade ago." ~ StrangelyEnuf
"NTA but even if you were, who gives a sh*t?"
"I'd have no problems being an a**hole to someone who abandoned me."
"Also, there must be a reason she was left out of your grandfather's will." ~ Z0na
"NTA. She cares about money not you."
"Your grandfather knew what he was doing when he left it to you and nothing to her."
"Keep it all, use it for your own life." ~ MerlinBiggs
"Where the heck was she when you needed your family?"
"Where was she when you had to work multiple jobs just to ensure that you survived?"
"Where was this so-called 'family' when you needed her?"
"It's been 10 years, and the only reason she's coming back around is because she wants money, yet she couldn't be bothered to stick around when y'all all lost y'all's parents? No."
"I'm all about family supporting each other but the moment someone decides to cut family out they lose all rights to being considered family."
"She abandoned you, and now that you have money, she wants to come back around with the thought that she deserves some of your money?"
"How about no.'
"NTA, and if I were you, I'd tell her to get bent." ~ BedazzledLioness1
"NTA. Oh, come on."
"We all know the only reason she's reaching out to OP was for the money." ~ juanredshirt
"NTA. But man, people smell money and turn into vultures immediately." ~ EntrepreneurAmazing3
Reddit is with you, OP.
The timing is way too obvious.
Suddenly, you have money? And suddenly, she wants to be family?
It's a little late for your sister to claim family love now.
Forgiveness is one thing.
If forgiving her helps you then great. But forgiveness is free, with no money involved.
Stay strong. Good luck. And sorry for all of your losses.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp