Helping family becomes a tricky situation when money is involved. You may really want to help out your family members, but it can be difficult to tie up funds that you might not see again.
Redditor InheritanceThrowawa, the original poster (OP), thought she had seen the last of her brother years ago. But now he’s back in her life asking for help and she’s unsure if she made the right choice.
To figure it out, OP asked the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about her situation.
The question was:
“AITA for not using my inheritance money to help my brother and his family out?”
First, some background information:
“Hello, this is my first time posting on AITA and English is not my first language so sorry if the format is not right.”
“Background- Me (19F[emale]) and my brother (32M[ale]) became orphans 10 years ago due to an accident our parents were in. My parents had always been a bit paranoid when it came to their mortality, so they had a set plan in case they passed.”
“They left a significant amount of money for each of us, and our childhood home was meant to be mine. They specified that we would have access to our share of the will when we turn 18.”
“Since my brother was already old enough, he took his money and cut all contact with me.”
“I had lived with my grandparents ever since, but last year I finally got my share. I decided to move in to the house, and use the money to pay for my studies.”
“I am in first year of medicine and it is very expensive. I have estimated that when I finish medicine in 5 years, I will have a lot of money left to continue with what I want to specialize in, and have some left.”
“My grandparents know my plan and offered to help with my living expenses so my inheritance becomes exclusive for my studies until I finish. I accepted and we have been like this for a year.”
However, things changed when OP’s brother came back:
“Now to the issue, my brother and his wife have 3 children from ages 9, 7, and 4. My brother spent his inheritance money on a house, his wedding, cars, and expensive stuff that one doesn‘t really need to live. My SIL is a SAHM, so he was the breadwinner.”
“My brother recently lost his job so now their family is struggling and they need a place to stay. He contacted me and asked for us to meet up.
“When I arrived, he and his wife were already sat down on the restaurant. Long story short, they said that since they were going through hard times, they expected me to hand them over my house, and give them a share of my inheritance so they can get back on their feet.”
“I got pissed off since we have barely talked or visited each other since the accident and they were just demanding me to pay for them.”
“I told them that I wouldn’t because I already have a plan for the money and I was living on the house. They said I can move back with my grandparents and blew off at me for being selfish.”
“After arguing I decided to leave but now my cousins are saying I’m an inconsiderate AH and I should help family out.”
“I really need to know if I’m in the wrong so, AITA?”
“I would like to add that the main reason I’m questioning my decision is because there is children involved (his kids) and I don’t want to hurt them.”
On the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit people explain their situation and their reaction and are judged based on what they decided to do.
This is done by fellow users who include one of the following in their comment:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
OP made the decision to not move out of her home and give her brother her inheritance. He’s family and has children and he seems like he really needs help.
But that doesn’t justify OP’s brother setting the terms of the help, or acting like she’s selfish because she didn’t squander her inheritance.
“he squandered his money, he will squander yours too, then you’ll both be broke.”
“Be responsible with your money. at least one of you will be financially solvent.” – ladystetson
“Not to mention the fact that OP’s parents died, entire world turned upside down, at 9 year’s old, and then the brother leaves as well.”
“Now said brother is calling OP a selfish a**hole… wow. You’re NTA, OP” – chanceisawriter
“NTA !!! girl you shouldn’t even be here. HE cut contact with YOU and now expects your help. no way.”
“i am begging you to not hand over a cent he sounds like the type to be given a step and then suddenly take a mile. you owe him nothing!!!!!!”
“his family is not your responsibility in the slightest do not allow him to guilt you. biologically you’re related, but they’re not family, and your brother made that decision a long time ago.”
“people love burning bridges not realizing they’ll regret it.” – bestcatcher2
“NTA Now go get that those degrees!” – KnotKarma
“Thank you! It will take a lot of time and money so I can’t really afford to pay for him.”
“Besides, if I give him money I will have to find another job and it’s not the best option with my career choice.” – InheritanceThrowawa (OP)
Others commented on the fact that her cousins were so concerned, but didn’t seem to be offering to help themselves.
“Thank you, I am confused as to why he cut contact in the first place but it’s been a decade and I wonder if this will help me build a relationship with him.” – InheritanceThrowawa (OP)
“It will NOT. As soon as the moneys gone he will be too” – Univom
“It’s wonderful that your cousins are so concerned. I’m sure one of them will be happy to take in your brother, right? 😉” – SoAnonymously
“NTA. Please don’t listen to your cousins. Your brother wasn’t worried about family when he cut contact you after getting his inheritance.”
“Your parents left you both money. It is not your fault that he spent all of his. Please use that money for your future.” – Fickle-Willow4836
OP’s brother disappeared from her life after getting his money and only came back because he ran out. OP doesn’t owe him anything.
If she wants to help, on her terms, she can, but the brother needs to learn to not make demands when he doesn’t hold any cards.