When our folks get older and get sick, life gets harder. We are forced to make a tough decision on whether to live our own lives or take care of them.
The decision is not always the same for our siblings. And for them, we may see a change in how they are perceived by family.
Redditor TemporaryReality8 definitely felt a change in perception towards her sister, after a life of not seeing eye-to-eye. She took to the popular subReddit, "Am I The A**hole?" (AITA) to discuss an incredibly difficult matter.
She asked:
"AITA for not splitting my inheritance with my estranged sister?"
She tried to make the entire story as digestible as possible.
"So, this is obviously a long story spanning our entire lives but I will try to condense it as best I can. Players are: Me (30f(emale)), my sis (34f), husband (39m(ale)), Niece (5f), and dad (80m)."
"My older sister has had trouble with drugs, alcohol, and the law our entire life. She has been Baker Acted no less than 20 times since her 18th birthday and has actually technically died twice due to her decisions(she's back by the grace of the medical professionals treating her)."
"My dad has constantly bailed her out on anything whether it be jail or missing rent payments because she spent the money on drugs."
Our Original Poster, or OP's father was sick for the better part of the last ten years:
"My dad had cancer for the last decade. Despite my sister and him already living in the same apartment complex and my dad paying the entirety of her rent, my husband and I were essentially forced to move across our city 3 months before our wedding because Dad was starting chemo and needed extra help."
And OP's life became about taking care of him:
"My next 3 years were devoted to caring for dad. I lost 2 jobs due to the time I needed to take off to care for him and my sister continued to mooch and do absolutely nothing for him. I was the one expected to make medical decisions for him alone because he didn't trust my sister not to try to off him for his money."
After OP's dad passed, she found less-than-charitable behavior from her sister:
"Dad is now finally at peace and against my better judgment, I asked my sister to come by so she could say her goodbyes. Before they even came to take him from his apartment to the funeral home, she was demanding that I open and read the will."
"She insisted that Dad had been paying for her to try to finally earn her Bachelors and she needed 2k. This amount changed to 3k within 24 hours. She started pointing at Dads belongings and said that she was 'claiming items she wanted.'"
However, when OP opened the will, they were all in for a surprise:
"After I finally read the will (I'm the executor of the estate), we learned that Dad left everything to me except for creating a trust fund for my niece that my sister cant touch until her 21st. My sister lost her mind and started demanding that I split what I got from him."
"Dad also left specific instructions to me and my husband to use what he had left us to buy a house, pay off our debts, and finally start a family and we really want to honor his last wishes, but we wouldn't be able to if I split it with my sister."
And now she wants to know if following his will would be the wrong choice:
"Obviously, emotions are high and none of us are thinking right. But AITA for respecting Dads wishes and making sure that we use what he left us for what he wanted it to be used for?"
Redditors decided where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
People unanimously agreed that OP should respect her father's wishes.
"There's no legitimate reason to give your inheritance to her- she had her share while he was living. This is your share. Your father chose this route for his own reasons."
"My mother tells me she's leaving me the house, and most of the money to my sibling, because she wants my family to move in and take care of her pets- We can't fit 8 more pets in our 800 sq ft house, and that's not even counting her poultry."
"Truth is, I'd totally sell off her house after her animals live their full lives and share with my brother so we'd have a more even split. (Part of this is that I also really love my small house and I intend to grow old in it, but the other part is that there's no good reason for me to get more than him."
"I just happen to be the one who lives local to her.) The difference is that I wouldn't be undermining her reasoning, I'd still be honoring it."
"If you were to split your inheritance, you will be undermining your father's intentions. NTA."~Nakedstar
"She is an addict, you would be contributing to her drug habit if you gave her the money. You would be better off taking and burning half the money than giving it to an addict, because the burnt cash wouldn't potentially lead to you feeling guilty for her overdosing."
"Your dad knew what he was doing when he wrote his will, and likely felt as though your sister had gotten more than her fair share of his estate already. NTA."~Pascalica
"NTA. Your dad left you everything for a reason. If you can spare the money and want to help your sister out with her education, you could always offer to pay directly to the school. If that's truly why she wants the money, then it shouldn't be an issue. Giving her cash and enabling her addiction helps no one but her dealer."~clumsynurseratchet
"You're NTA. Your sister is and honestly (please don't hate me), your dad kinda is too may he rest in peace. During his lifetime it sounds like he enabled her and allowed her a free ride. He didn't prepare her properly for what happens after he and his money were gone. She's going to have a lot of growing up to do. Either that, or she'll relapse. That's up to her, not you."~jacjacattack52
And not only is OP NTA, but Redditors are pretty sure OP's dad is saving the sister's life by doing this.
"NTA- your dad specifically split his estate this way because he obviously felt that you, your husband and niece deserve the money and put it towards something positive. Surely if he wanted to give 2k or 3k towards your sister he would have stated it."~cheeseybubbles
"Your dad knew exactly what he was doing. He set things up to take care of his granddaughter and knows that you will responsibly handle the rest."
"Any help you give your sister should be carefully weighed, and you don't have any requirement to trust her (he certainly didn't seem to) - pay school bills directly to the school for her if you feel that's best, or pay directly for an addiction treatment program when she's ready, but none of that money goes into her hands. NTA."~5T6Rf6ut
"NTA - Your father left you the money because he wanted you to have it. He clearly recognised your sister's behaviour and did not want her to have any of it; hence the trust fund for your niece that your sister can't touch until she's 21 and leaving everything else to you."
"It seems your Dad recognised everything you did for him and everything she did for him - which are two vastly different amounts. It sounds like he felt you deserved the money so you could live your best life - or at least one better than your current one if he gave you specific instructions on how to use it and you would be doing thr right thing by honouring him."~singinscotlawyer
"NTA at all. First off, I'm sorry for your loss. I recently lost my mum as well and I can't even begin to imagine how much harder it must be to deal with all that if you've got this kind of conflict to deal with on top. I hope you can find the strength to cope."
"Your father made a decision, gave very detailed instructions, had very good reasons for making this decision and even included taking care of his grandchild. You accommodated a lot to be there for him when he needed you. He even worried about her being greedy when it came to decisions about his survival. No one in their right mind would consider you the AH here."
"If you feel bad for your sister and really think she wants to turn her life around, you can pay the tuition directly to the school if she actually does go there. Make sure they know to refund you, not her, if she cancels straight after signing up. Do not give her money or let her claim any valuables."~RiverSong_777
And also, Redditors are not big fans of the sister.
"NTA. I would absolutely not split that money with her. It sounds as if you have gone out of your way during his lifetime to be there and care for him and he is acknowledging that in his passing."
"She will burn through any money she's given and still have her hand out. Good luck and my condolences on your father's passing."~njbella
"NTA. As a preface to this I work in trust administration."
"Provided your father's will complies with laws of succession and is valid (i.e. is signed in writing by him and is attested by witnesses (local legislation may vary)) and there are no forced heirship laws in your jurisdiction, your sister legally has to apply to the courts to get any of your father's estate."
"You are not in the wrong and not TA, your father is allowed to determine what happens to his free estate through his will, and if he thought your sister would squander it then it is nobody's fault but her own that she gets nothing. This is good estate planning on your father's part and I doubt he will have taken his decisions lightly."
T"he money in a trust fund for your niece is already protected from the prying hands of your sister, and from what you said above it sounds like your niece has a contingent interest (a right once she reaches age 21) so funds will only be used for her benefit."
"Not saying you should listen to me absolutely, but it seems your father thought this through pretty well when drafting his will, if I were in your shoes I'd stick to his wishes. Definitely NTA."~T0r0de
"NTA. Your dad clearly expressed his wishes in leaving you the bulk of the inheritance with instructions on how to use it. It's your money so you can do whatever you want with it, but if you wish to honor your late father then you should pay off your bills and mortgage and start a family as he wanted."
"If that doesn't change your guilty conscience, which is unwarranted, look at it this way. Your father saw the sacrifices you and your husband took to help him during his chemo, he looked back and saw how he probably ruined your childhood to some degree due to being so focused on your sister."
"He's bailed her out her whole life, and you still had to essentially press pause on your family and work goals in order to take care of him. You'll probably disregard that sacrifice and just see it as some kid taking care of their parent, but I'm sure he saw different."
"Your sister has been spending his 'inheritance' her whole life. All the bailouts and handouts given, the time he spent focused on her instead of you due to her being a complete fuckup, and the rent payed to keep her from being homeless, etc."
"Keep the money and go no contact and start a family. That's how you respect his wishes. He must have expected your sisters response, but choose to follow though either way because he knew she was a lost cause while you weren't. NTA."~TheMocking-Bird
OP has not made any visible decisions on the thread on how to go forward, but again, the results are fairly unanimous.
We hope OP and her sister come to some sort of understanding and that damaged family bonds can be repaired.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp