To paraphrase a saying that arose after WWII:
"If there's a racist at the table and 10 other people are just sitting there talking to them, you have a table with 11 racists."
The phrase suggests that by engaging with, tolerating, or providing a platform for hate without making any protest against it, that complicity makes a person also responsible for the hateful behavior.
A new mother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her bigoted relatives.
BatesMotels asked:
"AITA for telling my mom I am not going to put up with racism against my kid the way she did?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My mom is White and my dad is Black. They split when I was little. While I am not White passing, I am not obviously read as Black either unless my natural hair is worn down."
"I would say I am pretty racially ambiguous."
"My mom has several racist people on her side of the family. Some who just make light comments all the way to an uncle who uses the n-word. My mom never protected me or my brothers from these comments growing up."
"My older brother and I were born in the 90s. It was a different time, I suppose. People were willing to put up with more and we never said anything to her about how it hurt. It's just not something I want my baby to go through."
"Fast forward to present day. I am now 30 and expecting my first baby. My partner is Black, meaning our baby boy will be majority Black and probably Black presenting."
"I haven't been back to visit family in years and was talking to my mom recently about going back home after the baby is born to introduce them to my partner and the baby. I mentioned if anyone makes any racist comments about my son or my partner, we are leaving."
"Full stop, out of there, because I am not making them put up with what we had to put up with. My mom was deeply hurt at that because she said I was saying she was a bad mom for not protecting us from those family members."
"I told her I wasn't saying that, but I think the right move would have been to stand up for us and that is what I am planning on doing with my son. She ended up in tears saying, 'Well I guess I am just the worst mother in the world'."
"Soooo, AITA?"
The OP later added:
"As to why even go, not everyone on my mom's side is like this. Just a few in a large family."
"My great grandma had 9 kids and one of them (a great aunt of mine, her husband, and their kids/spouses) are particularly bad, as is an uncle who married my mom's sister."
"They do a big family Christmas, and everyone attends. I would like to introduce my partner and son to my family. Christmas is hosted at another aunt's house, and she invites everyone."
"My brother lives in the same state as most of our family and is on board with my plan to leave if comments are made. His partner is White and their kid is White passing, so it hasn't come up with him, but he is willing to stand up for his nephew and dip with us if need be."
"Additionally, we live abroad in a small living space, so having family come visit us isn't super feasible."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I am worried I am the a-hole because by saying what I said, I essentially told my mom she was wrong for how she handled things when we were growing up, and was critical of the way she parented us."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. As the mom of a biracial child, yes she did fall down in her duty to you by not immediately putting a stop to racism by her family. She's upset because she knows she should have done better by you—this is a 'her problem'." ~ HomelyHobbit
"As is her classic narcissistic DARVO response–'I'm just the worst mother in the world!' I'd be like, 'Those are your words, not mine. Sounds like you've got a guilty conscience, and maybe you should reflect on that'." ~ BangarangPita
Note: DARVO is an acronym coined by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd for three common manipulation steps:
- Deny
- Attack
- Reverse the positions of the Victim and Offender
DARVO is a well-documented blame-shifting tactic, a calculated narrative shift, used by people who benefit from not being held accountable for their actions.
It serves to help a perpetrator:
- Evade responsibility,
- Maintain power and control,
- Discredit the person raising the alarm,
- Centralize sympathy and attention back on the perpetrator.
"That's DARVO. You brought up a legitimate concern of being wronged in the past, and instead of being mortified and addressing it, she made herself the victim, started crying and degrading herself so that you, the actual victim, suddenly have to comfort her, while your legit concerns go unaddressed." ~ Murmurmira
"NTA. She should feel bad because she did not protect her mixed-race child from her racist relatives. She failed as a mother in that respect. She does not get to emotionally manipulate you into feeling bad for protecting your child in the way she didn't. It doesn't make her the worst mother in the world, but she is by no means the best either." ~ Panaccolade
"NTA. 'I guess I’m just the worst mother in the world!' is the go-to line for toxic mothers when they’re being confronted with irrefutable evidence and want you to stop trying to hold them accountable and want you to comfort them instead. She wanted YOU to feel guilty for HER sins because you dared raise an issue. That's the RVO of DARVO." ~ BabserellaWT
"The way I finally stopped my dad's 'I'm just the worst parent' spiels to avoid responsibility or guilt-trip me was by responding, 'Well, if that's the conclusion you came to, I'm not gonna fight you.'. He never said it again." ~ Niborus_Rex
"Oh my god, I cannot STAND it when people say what your mom said. Statements like 'I guess I am just the worst mother in the world' are such ridiculous statements and meant to make you feel guilty so you'll say 'of course not.' In reality, she wasn’t a very good mom. She SHOULD have stood up for you." ~ Savings_Telephone_96
"I grew up in the 80s and 90s, it was not a different time."
"It was not acceptable then, it's not acceptable now, please don't use that."
"Your mom failed to protect you; that's on her, not you." ~ deadfulscream
"I mean, I was born in the 80s, and we were taught very clearly that racism was wrong and that the n-word and other slurs were completely unacceptable. Now, people are more tone deaf than they are now about microaggressions, and there certainly wasn't the acceptance for LGBTQ+ people that came along later."
"But no, being a mom in the 90s should have still meant standing up for her children who were being called slurs." ~ HomelyHobbit
"Do yourself, your partner, and your child a favor and don't accept excuses like 'it was a different time'. It was the 1990s, not the 1890s."
"Your mom didn't protect you from racist family members, and she still isn't, and that was 100% a choice she made. Protect yourself and the family you're forming."
"Also, really consider that even though you don't perceive your whole maternal family as racist, did any of them stand up for you and your siblings and protect you? If one racist in a family says something racist, and no pushes back..." ~ dr_wendy2u
"I’ve never been in this type of situation, but the fact that your mother didn’t lay down the law with her family with a zero tolerance policy from the beginning is shocking to me. And then to be hurt when you said that you weren’t going to accept that behavior?! OP was she not aware that this was an issue?"
"Like was she not around when it happened? Or did she just not think it was a big deal? You’re young enough that there was an awareness of how prevalent and damaging this type of behavior was/is, especially among people that were bringing up minority/children."
"NTA, and your mother should be begging for your forgiveness. I can’t imagine allowing that to happen to anyone in my vicinity, let alone to my own child."
"And Mom of OP, if you see this, you have a lot of nerve to make this about ‘poor you’. You owe your children a huge apology and you need to make sure that this behavior doesn’t continue with the next generation. You really failed your children on this one." ~ QueenComfort637
"NTA. Honestly she SHOULD feel bad and like a bad mom because that’s messed up."
"Don’t apologize for that and don’t back down on it. Don’t let her manipulate you into alleviating her guilt." ~ Katerh
"If you didn’t protect your child from racism, you should feel guilty. Not their responsibility to coddle your feelings—you couldn’t be bothered when they needed you to have a spine, as their White mother with racist relatives who should’ve been cut off decades ago."
"NTA, OP. I’m sorry she didn’t stand up to it and allowed you to be subjected to that. You’re being a good parent, and it makes her feel bad because she didn’t do the same. That’s not on you." ~ SecretiveBerries
OP is setting boundaries that her mother never did.
If her daughter protecting her child makes mom feel guilty, that sounds like OP's mom's problem to resolve.
