Blended families where everyone loves each other and gets along is the goal, right?
Well, apparently some people don't want everyone to get along too well. Or at least not better than anyone gets along with them
A father facing a jealous wife turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice, as this one was flagged by the OP for, and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA.
However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
MostPapaya8365 asked:
"AITA for defending my stepdaughter against my wife's cruel comments?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Hello, Reddit. I really need urgent help and advice about my situation. All fake names of course."
"4 years ago I (43, male) met my wife Katherine (44, female). We had been dating for 1 year before introducing each other to our respective children."
"I've got three kids from my last marriage, two twin boys Joshua and Alex (24, male), and my daughter Emy (soon to be 22, female). Katherine has a daughter Lila (also soon to be 22, female)."
"I was a bit scared for the first meeting 3 year ago, scared that our children wouldn't get along, but it wasn't the case at all, especially with Emy and Lila."
"They immediately bonded, because they had the exact same interests: video games, mangas/animes, writing, reading gay chinese novels (yeah, they really said that the first time they met)."
"And even with the boys, they all really got along great. 1 year later we got married and Katherine and Lila came to live with us. It worked perfectly: good harmony, good repartition of chores, very good times together."
"I heard about nightmare blended families but it wasn't the case at all, everything was really great, especially between the children. They all live at home for their studies."
"Emy and Lila are like best friends since meeting 3 years ago, they have their own inside jokes, they're sharing everything: clothes, makeup, an enormous bookshelf full of their shared books."
"They help each other with homework even though they are not in the same field at all. They are really really close and it's really beautiful to see."
"So, onto what I think started the problem. Lila doesn't have a father figure in her life, she never knew her dad. And after three years of knowing each other, she started to call me dad, which is a great honor for me."
"But with my children and Katherine it's different. They have their mother in their lives, so when Katherine tried to be 'mom' for them, they gently told her they didn't need another mom, but they were glad she was their stepmom."
"Which exasperated her greatly. I reassured my wife the best I could by saying that they love her still, but I remembered her saying to me 'Why can you be dad for my child, but I can't be mom for yours?'."
"My children felt bad for her sadness, but they couldn't do anything. They are in their twenties and already have a mother."
"But recently my wife made a lot of comments against her own daughter specifically, and that's what's upsetting me. My children are really polite and kind with Katherine, but it's true they bonded more with Lila, which is completely normal—it's a girl their age."
"Lila gets along with everyone in my family: my parents, my sisters, my kids' cousins (she's even part of the 'cousins gang'). Even my ex-wife likes her."
"But recently my wife is saying things like 'at least one of us is blending well into the family'. Or 'everyone loves Lila, looks like I'm the black sheep of the family'. I really need to specify, my wife was never left out by my family, they love her too, so I don't know where those comments came from."
"And Saturday her comments reached a breaking point. We were alone, the boys were out with their friends and the girls at a weekend convention."
"So I prepared a date night for the both of us. At one point she said 'You know Lila is lesbian, right? Aren't you scared when she's around your daughter so much?'."
"I know Lila is lesbian, she told me herself, my daughter knows too. Emy is hetero, me too, but we never had prejudices against Lila at all, and they were still close and best friends even after acknowledging that fact."
"So I said the same to my wife 'Yeah I know, and Emy too. Emy and Lila see each other as sisters, so no problems here, why are you saying that?' She seemed surprised and said, 'I thought you didn't know'."
"Later in the evening I opened my mail and we received our family photo we took a few days ago the 6 of us. I put it in a canvas. My wife glanced at it and said something that stunned me : 'At least I'm the one that looks like I'm the part of the family. It's my consolation prize'."
"It appalled me so much, because you see, I'm White, my children are too, Katherine is White too, but Lila is mixed race with curly hair. And I didn't want to assume anything racially motivated by what my wife said, so I asked her what she meant, and she said smiling, 'You know, we all look alike except her'."
"I was shocked to my core, I couldn't believe it. I was so shocked that I couldn't help to say 'What is wrong with you? How can you say stuff like that about her? She's your daughter you can't say that'."
"She became really angry, said that I have no right to decide what she can say or not say, that what she said wasn't a big deal, just the truth, that it was simple and innocent comments, that I was an a**hole to be on the defensive every time she says something about her own daughter."
"She exploded. She took a bag and did go to her brother's Saturday evening."
"The girls came back Sunday from their trip, happier than ever. Lila asked where her mom was, I couldn't tell her the truth about what happened, so I just told her that she was visiting her uncle."
"My wife sent me a text a few hours ago: 'I'll come back when you'll apologize and when you won't be so defensive about what I say about MY daughter'."
"But do I really have to apologize? Am I really the a**hole for defending my stepdaughter?
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong, but was missing an important part of the conversation with his wife.
"Uh, no. Your wife just told you she is not only jealous of her daughter, but also homophobic and racist and really mean spirited."
"Can't unring that bell." ~ sylbug
"And don't forget that she thought she was outing her daughter to OP without her daughter's knowledge. That's as wrong as what she said about her daughter."
"What a disgusting excuse for a mother."
"I think the fact that OP's wife was not aware that her daughter had already come out to OP and probably all of his children and hadn't even considered the possibility of it says a lot about her."
"She is only interested in the surface levels of these relationships. That's why she can't understand why OP's kids won't call her mom. The deeper emotions that they feel for their mom are alien to her."
"Just like OP's paternal feelings for his stepdaughter are alien to her. ALL of her relationships are shallow and self-serving because she just doesn't understand deep emotional bonds and doesn't seem to be capable of forming them. Or capable of relating to people who can."
"I don't know if therapy can fix that level of broken." ~ Puzzleheaded_Army316
"OMG… I was so disgusted by a mother being racist and jealous of her own child… that I clearly glossed over the fact that she gleefully was trying to out her own daughter to her husband."
"Probably so he would be concerned about his daughter and their close relationship with each other?"
"So she is insecure, vindictive, and jealous of everyone? You would think as a parent you would be so happy and grateful that your kid is getting along with your new husband's kids and that they welcome each other into the families they have and into the family they are creating together."
"She is a walking red flag right now. She needs some serious therapy before she does irreparable damage to her daughter personally and the mother-daughter relationship."
"Luckily, the daughter is an adult and can make her own decisions and I'm guessing if there is a divorce… Stepdaughter is going to want to stay with OP and his kids as they have accepted her unconditionally regardless of her mixed race or same sex relationships."
"Crazy to think that you would be shunned by your own mother, but fully accepted and loved by these new people who came into your life just a few years ago!" ~ tamij1313
"The fact this 'mother' had the audacity to demand an apology from OP. Un F-ing real, she would be seeing a medical professional to remove my foot from her a** if she was related to me."
"And this is coming from someone who grew up with a narcissistic mother, so I understand what it's like to have your mother be jealous of you. In case it wasn't clear, IT SUCKED." ~ Wrong_Moose_9763
"NTA. She's one of those closeted racists. And she excuses it by saying that she can't be racist because she has a mixed raced child."
"She can say whatever she wants about her daughter, however so can you, she's your stepdaughter and you have a right to defend her. Even if it's from her own mother. She's mad because you are standing up for her daughter." ~ SheMeHerTheMom
The OP provided an update:
"Wow, I wrote that post, I did go to bed just after, and I woke up with tons of advice and nice comments."
"Thank you very much for all your words, especially the kind ones about Lila, she deserves it. Sadly I can't respond to everything, but I read all your comments!"
"Everyone here said what I feared, but what I know is the truth: my wife is jealous, racist, and homophobic against her own daughter."
"And with everything, I didn't realize something that some of you pointed out: she tried to out her daughter to me, thinking I didn't know, to try to damage my relationship with Lila and our daughters' relationship. That's messed up."
"Thank you again for reassuring me that I did the right thing."
"You guys are right. I definitely should talk to Lila first about what happened, and I will. As some of you suggested, I sent a text to the four of my children asking them to directly come home after classes because we need to talk, just us 5."
"I will contact my wife after the discussion with my children. I will ask her for marriage counseling, therapy for herself and her issues, and a sincere apology to her daughter."
"I already asked my parents if they could take the kids when this moment arrives. I don't want the children at home hearing everything."
"And don't worry, I would NEVER abandon Lila, she's one of my kids. Even if my wife and I separate, she can absolutely stay here with me and her siblings, and I will tell her as such during our discussion."
Confronting hard truths about someone we love is never fun.
But it looks like this dad is on the right path for the best outcome for everyone.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp