A 24-year-old woman wasn't sure what to do after children from her husband's family made ignorant comments to her. After arguing with her 32-year-old husband, she decided to turn to the Relationship Advice subReddit for help.
Redditor chokecherryii stated:
"Husband's family is saying racially insensitive things about me to their kids."
She explained:
"As a bit of background, I am Native American (Cree) and my husband's family are all Russian immigrants. He's been here for about fifteen years, and we have been married for over 3 years now."
"This past weekend we had a baptism and my husband is the godfather to his uncle's new baby. We had a little party for it at our house, and his uncle's family as well as his extended family was there."
"During the party, two of his uncle's sons (5 & 7) kept asking me what my race was. I told them I was Cree and to call me Native American."
"They in turn called me an Indian over and over while finally asking me if I was a savage with a horse."
"I have never heard this from any child before, especially children who have English as a second language. I'm honestly hurt and shocked, debating on never seeing his family again because children don't just say things that haven't been repeated to them."
"My husband and I have been arguing all week because I said his family is racist and probably call me an Indian/savage behind my back. He thinks I am insulting his family, which isn't entirely true."
"Do I forgive them for being ignorant or cut all ties with them immediately?"
"I want to give them the benefit of the doubt that the only exposure to Native people they have is through movies with like cowboys and horses, but I'm very hurt."
His family has never entirely accepted me even if they are nice to my face because I am not Russian or White. I love him and I don't want to keep his family from him but I just can't be a part of it if they think I'm a savage."
Redditors had plenty of advice to offer.
"He needs to stand up for you and talk to his family about their kid's rude, racist behavior. I don't buy the excuse that these kids just magically picked up this language outta nowhere - but even if they didn't learn it from their parents, it's still something that your husband should address with his family, because you shouldn't have to deal with racial abuse every time you visit his family."
"Your husband needs to approach his family and tell them AT MINIMUM that the kid's behavior needs to stop. If they aren't willing to comply, then I don't see why you should have to subject yourself to their racist nonsense." ~ Throwaway321322323
The OP responded and revealed she had a son to consider.
"I agree—It came from somewhere, and even if they didn't say it he should correct them because I don't want my son growing up thinking that I'm okay with his family using that language to describe us."
"It's insulting and degrading... if he doesn't agree then I just won't be a part of family things anymore."
The Redditor agreed.
"I think that's a fair boundary! If your husband doesn't like it, frankly, he can go kick rocks. If he wants to prioritize his family over you and your son...then he's an a**." ~ Throwaway321322323
"It's not your job to teach people about racism. However, if you want to try and enlighten these folks, that would be your choice."
"Are you certain that these children are repeating things they heard from family members vs. other influences? (They certainly heard it somewhere)."
"Your husband should not be OK with his family minimizing you, insulting you, etc. He chose to marry you and if he did that knowing that his family would hate you, I question his choices, I question why he never forewarned you about it, and I question why he tolerates it." ~ aenflex
The OP responded again to say her husband has defended her in the past.
"I'm wondering the same things. Part of me wants to take the high road and send them some children's books about native cultures but I don't know if that will change anything."
"I'm not certain they heard it from family, it might have been from TV or a movie but from what his family has said about me when we were dating I would not be surprised if they call me that."
"He has defended me before multiple times (ex. I refuse to let my MIL cut my son's long hair) but this time he just shut me out and refused to listen to me."
A Redditor agreed that books for the kids was a good option.
"I think sending them some books is a great idea. At the end of the day it's not the children's fault."
"And if you manage to reach them and show them who you are, you will in fact make a difference for the next generation :)" ~ iAmTheRealDeeDee
One Redditor pointed out that in Europe the words Indian, Red Indian and Savage are terms used in books, on TV and in movies for the people indigenous to the Americas.
"To be honest if they're from Eastern Europe or grew up among Eastern Europeans it's fairly possible they have mostly been exposed to the vastly outdated and problematic 'savage with a horse' image of an 'Indian."
"The word 'Indian' is still perceived as quite normal in my language which is close to Russian. There are a lot of old and famous adventure stories and films which portray Native Americans in the Wild West type of way, and for children or their uneducated parents these can still be the first thing they think of when hearing about your race, sadly."
"It definitely is racist, even if the context might be a little different. When it comes to the children, I'd say a little education could go a long way, but for the parents I'm not sure, it really depends and might not be worth the struggle." ~ Toby_Shandy
"I second the language thing. Kids call you Indian and probably said the horse thing because that's what their parents said to them to explain what it means. Might have also seen it in a cartoon too."
"I could see it happening with my family that's also slavic and my best advice is to talk to them and explain why it hurt your feelings because they probably don't get it at all. It doesn't need to be a 3 hour therapy session, if they mean well they'll get it real fast."
"I know everyone is saying 'It's not your job to educate them about racism' but that's a bullshit stance to take here in my opinion because it's a cultural thing and it's also children who in their native tongue say Indian instead of Native American." ~ PlesuciKaktus
On Redditor gave a response that the OP called really helpful.
"So you're right to be upset and take this incident seriously. But I think the conversation with your husband has gotten out of hand."
"It's not about what those kids said and how it made you feel anymore. It's about whether his family is irredeemably racist and whether you are going to allow them to be a part of your life and for your husband, what that means for him."
"And he probably feels pretty powerless because whether his family has racist views is not really anything he can do something about."
"De-escalate."
"Make it about what the kids actually said and did at the baptism. Ask your husband to refocus on that."
"I would tell your husband that part of what you need is for him to have your back, particularly where you are vulnerable, and because you are Native American this is particularly important to you."
"Your husband CAN do something about this: he can tell his uncle about what his sons said to you at the party and how badly it upset you and how he thinks they need to be talked to. He can suggest ways in which that could happen, and ways in which you can be involved, but I wouldn't be too married to any particular way of resolving the situation."
"These are young kids and it's really the parents' business how they handle it."
"The response of your husband's family to your husband will tell you a lot about who they are as people and where this kind of thing came from. And it's really the adults whose racial behavior is important here. The kids can be taught better." ~ PM_T*TS_OR_DONT
The OP returned with an update.
"My husband just called to apologize for our fights this week and told me he didn't want to lose me over this. He offered to speak to his uncle and have us sit down together to talk about it tonight over dinner."
"Hopefully this goes well. Wish me luck that we can make this a teaching moment and I don't have to cut them off for good."
The OP later deleted their post without further updates.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.