Caring for elderly family members isn't easy.
But it is becoming a common part of life.
Times are hard.
And family health issues sometimes need all hands on deck.
Sometimes, some hands... are doing all of the work.
Redditor Jerry_Moya wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for stopping payment for my grandfather's care becasue I found out he secretly gave the apartment to my aunt?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My grandfather had a stroke almost two years ago."
"After he got out of the hospital, he couldn't really manage on his own anymore."
"He wasn't bedridden, but his memory was failing, his blood pressure was constantly fluctuating, and sometimes he’d leave the gas on or call me in the middle of the night because he thought someone was walking around the apartment."
"I live nearby, about a 20-minute drive, so everything gradually fell on me."
"Doctors, medications, paperwork, trips, groceries."
"When things got tougher, I found a caregiver for a couple of days a week."
"His pension covered part of the expenses, but a decent caregiver and post-stroke medications were very expensive, so I was constantly chipping in my own money."
"Sometimes, 1000 to 2000 a month would just disappear."
"The rest of the family seemed to exist only in name."
"My aunt would come by once every couple of months with some fruit, take pictures with Grandpa, post something about the family, and then disappear again."
"My cousins hardly ever showed up at all."
"And yes, this is probably important."
"I really thought the apartment would end up being mine."
"Grandpа himself said more than once that I was the only one helping him and that everything would be fair."
"I even put off moving to another city because I knew he simply wouldn’t make it without me."
"But I don’t think grandpa was obligated to leave the apartment to me."
"What really hurt me was that for years, they let me live under the impression that we were a family and honest with each other, while behind my back, they’d already decided everything."
"A few weeks ago, I came home earlier than usual and overheard my aunt and grandpa talking in the kitchen."
"She was trying to convince him not to leave the apartment to me because I only help for my оwn benefit."
"She said she has children, a mortgage, and a real family."
"And grandpa agreed with her."
"That’s when I found out that he had already transferred the apartment to her six months ago."
"No one told me anything."
"Meanwhile, I kept paying for the caregiver and some of the medication all this time, because I was sure that at least we were being honest with each other."
"I didn’t make a scene."
"I just told my aunt that since the apartment was now hers, the responsibility should be hers too."
"I warned her that starting next month, I wouldn’t be paying for anything anymore."
"Now there’s a weird atmosphere in the family."
"No one tells me I'm wrong, but there are constantly comments like well, he’s an old man, why are you counting every penny?"
"You can’t do that because of the inheritance."
"And now I don't even understand myself."
"Did they really take advantage of me, or do I look like someone who only helped my grandpa for the sake of the apartment?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA. Honestly, I'm more worried Aunt took advantage of an elder with diminished capacity." ~ pottersquash
"That really sucks, I'm sorry."
"Your grandpa or your family didn't appreciate the things you've done to help."
"They were just content to let you take charge so that they didn't have to lift a finger."
"And then your grandpa and aunt went behind your back but didn't even have the decency to tell you the truth."
"Worse, if you didn't find out, they will just keep letting you take the load only for your aunt to reap the benefits."
"You're NTA for finally not allowing yourself to be used."
"If it bothers your family so much, then tell them to help grandpa."
"You've done so much but only got disrespect and betrayal in return." ~ IceSeeker
"NTA. They know you were doing this for Grandpa."
"It just isn’t in their interest to admit that you basically were his only source of support, providing both your time and a lot of financial support."
"I would follow through with your intention of not providing financial support."
"Keep an eye on things, because I suspect the Aunt won’t willingly part with her money."
"Why don’t you talk to your grandfather about the apartment?"
"Aunt may be manipulating him."
"Ignore the family if they are acting strangely."
"They are just trying to make you uncomfortable enough that you will start handling everything again."
"Good luck." ~ Fun_Cat419
"What are they doing to help your grandpa?"
"Tell them that it’s not about the inheritance."
"It’s about the principle of the matter."
"You were told you would be looked after because you were the only one stepping up to help him."
"You did it out of love, but now feel betrayed by your aunt's elder abuse."
"You’re now out of pocket, and that will not be redeemed, so you’re no longer prepared to do it as you need to think about your own future." ~ hadesbound
"I mean, the logic is flawed. Why include family that provides constant support when you could just dump them and pick some random relative that can't be bothered?"
"Gramps understood this before his decline."
"It is unfortunately, very common."
"People get very weird once inheritance is imminent."
"And it works- people swoop in and take every damn penny all the time."
"Roll in, accuse everyone else of wrongdoing, then clean up."
"If the slow gears of justice finally correct things, those funds are long spent."
"OP should wait a few months, then call in a welfare check so that he can be sure his grandfather's medical needs are met." ~ jleek9
"NTA, they definitely took advantage of you, absolving themselves of any responsibility."
"I would also worry that, as your grandpa is old and ill, he has been coerced into leaving your aunt his apartment."
"You are absolutely right in stopping the help, both physically and financially."
"Your grandpa has plenty of other family members who can now step up."
"Go and live your life, move away like you wanted to."
"You have gone over and above and beyond." ~ waspgirl72
"NTA. He promised you would get it because you were taking care of him, and he went back on his promise for someone who shows up for photo ops."
"If anyone says anything, feel free to point out that your grandfather promised it to the person taking care of his expenses and him."
"Clearly, that means your aunt needs to step up, and if she doesn't, report her for elder abuse." ~ Limerase
"NTA. OP, you clearly were not motivated to help by the promise of the apartment."
"You were already helping, and then your grandfather promised the apartment in recognition of your considerable efforts."
"To stop now is not 'proving' your aunt right."
"You are stopping because you have been betrayed by both your grandfather, who needs care, and your aunt, who is not providing it."
"I think it is completely fine to stop helping people who betray and lie to you."
"Go on and live our best life."
"Once you stop filling the gap, surely his children will finally step up." ~ SentimentalO
"NTA. You were paying because you believed there was honesty and a shared family agreement, not because you signed up to bankroll your aunt’s inheritance."
"He can leave the apartment to whoever he wants, but you’re not obligated to keep funding the care once they made that choice behind your back." ~ oliver_oleigh
"NTA. If you're in the US, you might want to contact the local police to report the property transfer as possible financial exploitation of an elderly person."
"Your grandfather's property should have been sold to help pay for his care, not transferred to your aunt, nor left for other relatives."
"Your aunt pressuring him to change the title for free could constitute fraud." ~ teresajs
"NTA. You may want to contact an attorney and discuss the entirety of the situation with them."
"Given everything that you contributed, you may have a legal claim against a portion of his estate, and you may actually be able to reverse any decisions made recently ABOUT his estate if he is not of sound judgment capacity (or you could have him declared as such)."
"Even just the threat of legal action against the aunt or others might be all it takes to get them to back off."
"In the end, it all should really focus only on how you see him."
"If you consider him family and someone you care about, incorporate that into your decision-making." ~ 6SpeedBlues
"NTA, it is not wrong to expect payment for services rendered."
"You helped, and you paid, and you put off your own move, and none of it for a paycheck."
"For me, it's the manipulation of saying he'd make it right, then letting your aunt talk him out of it."
"And yeah, she's probably mostly to blame, so make her earn that inheritance."
"You can still visit and whatnot, but let her do the heavy lifting." ~ Spiritual_Oil_7411
"NTA - but it sounds like your aunt manipulated the situation." ~ Lunar-Eclipse0204
Reddit is with you, OP.
You set a boundary, which is understandable given the situation.
Hopefully your aunt will step up.
