Caring for elderly family members isn't easy.
But it is becoming a common part of life.
Times are hard.
And family health issues sometimes need all hands on deck.
Sometimes, some hands... are doing all of the work.
Redditor Jerry_Moya wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for stopping payment for my grandfather's care becasue I found out he secretly gave the apartment to my aunt?
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My grandfather had a stroke almost two years ago."
"After he got out of the hospital, he couldn't really manage on his own anymore."
"He wasn't bedridden, but his memory was failing, his blood pressure was constantly fluctuating, and sometimes he’d leave the gas on or call me in the middle of the night because he thought someone was walking around the apartment."
"I live nearby, about a 20-minute drive, so everything gradually fell on me."
"Doctors, medications, paperwork, trips, groceries."
"When things got tougher, I found a caregiver for a couple of days a week."
"His pension covered part of the expenses, but a decent caregiver and post-stroke medications were very expensive, so I was constantly chipping in my own money."
"Sometimes, 1000 to 2000 a month would just disappear."
"The rest of the family seemed to exist only in name."
"My aunt would come by once every couple of months with some fruit, take pictures with Grandpa, post something about the family, and then disappear again."
"My cousins hardly ever showed up at all."
"And yes, this is probably important."
"I really thought the apartment would end up being mine."
"Grandpа himself said more than once that I was the only one helping him and that everything would be fair."
"I even put off moving to another city because I knew he simply wouldn’t make it without me."
"But I don’t think grandpa was obligated to leave the apartment to me."
"What really hurt me was that for years, they let me live under the impression that we were a family and honest with each other, while behind my back, they’d already decided everything."
"A few weeks ago, I came home earlier than usual and overheard my aunt and grandpa talking in the kitchen."
"She was trying to convince him not to leave the apartment to me because I only help for my оwn benefit."
"She said she has children, a mortgage, and a real family."
"And grandpa agreed with her."
"That’s when I found out that he had already transferred the apartment to her six months ago."
"No one told me anything."
"Meanwhile, I kept paying for the caregiver and some of the medication all this time, because I was sure that at least we were being honest with each other."
"I didn’t make a scene."
"I just told my aunt that since the apartment was now hers, the responsibility should be hers too."
"I warned her that starting next month, I wouldn’t be paying for anything anymore."
"Now there’s a weird atmosphere in the family."
"No one tells me I'm wrong, but there are constantly comments like well, he’s an old man, why are you counting every penny?"
"You can’t do that because of the inheritance."
"And now I don't even understand myself."
"Did they really take advantage of me, or do I look like someone who only helped my grandpa for the sake of the apartment?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA. Honestly, I'm more worried Aunt took advantage of an elder with diminished capacity." ~ pottersquash
"That really sucks, I'm sorry."
"Your grandpa or your family didn't appreciate the things you've done to help."
"They were just content to let you take charge so that they didn't have to lift a finger."
"And then your grandpa and aunt went behind your back but didn't even have the decency to tell you the truth."
"Worse, if you didn't find out, they will just keep letting you take the load only for your aunt to reap the benefits."
"You're NTA for finally not allowing yourself to be used."
"If it bothers your family so much, then tell them to help grandpa."
"You've done so much but only got disrespect and betrayal in return." ~ IceSeeker
"NTA. They know you were doing this for Grandpa."
"It just isn’t in their interest to admit that you basically were his only source of support, providing both your time and a lot of financial support."
"I would follow through with your intention of not providing financial support."
"Keep an eye on things, because I suspect the Aunt won’t willingly part with her money."
"Why don’t you talk to your grandfather about the apartment?"
"Aunt may be manipulating him."
"Ignore the family if they are acting strangely."
"They are just trying to make you uncomfortable enough that you will start handling everything again."
"Good luck." ~ Fun_Cat419
"What are they doing to help your grandpa?"
"Tell them that it’s not about the inheritance."
"It’s about the principle of the matter."
"You were told you would be looked after because you were the only one stepping up to help him."
"You did it out of love, but now feel betrayed by your aunt's elder abuse."
"You’re now out of pocket, and that will not be redeemed, so you’re no longer prepared to do it as you need to think about your own future." ~ hadesbound
"I mean, the logic is flawed. Why include family that provides constant support when you could just dump them and pick some random relative that can't be bothered?"
"Gramps understood this before his decline."
"It is unfortunately, very common."
"People get very weird once inheritance is imminent."
"And it works- people swoop in and take every damn penny all the time."
"Roll in, accuse everyone else of wrongdoing, then clean up."
"If the slow gears of justice finally correct things, those funds are long spent."
"OP should wait a few months, then call in a welfare check so that he can be sure his grandfather's medical needs are met." ~ jleek9
"NTA, they definitely took advantage of you, absolving themselves of any responsibility."
"I would also worry that, as your grandpa is old and ill, he has been coerced into leaving your aunt his apartment."
"You are absolutely right in stopping the help, both physically and financially."
"Your grandpa has plenty of other family members who can now step up."
"Go and live your life, move away like you wanted to."
"You have gone over and above and beyond." ~ waspgirl72
"NTA. He promised you would get it because you were taking care of him, and he went back on his promise for someone who shows up for photo ops."
"If anyone says anything, feel free to point out that your grandfather promised it to the person taking care of his expenses and him."
"Clearly, that means your aunt needs to step up, and if she doesn't, report her for elder abuse." ~ Limerase
"NTA. OP, you clearly were not motivated to help by the promise of the apartment."
"You were already helping, and then your grandfather promised the apartment in recognition of your considerable efforts."
"To stop now is not 'proving' your aunt right."
"You are stopping because you have been betrayed by both your grandfather, who needs care, and your aunt, who is not providing it."
"I think it is completely fine to stop helping people who betray and lie to you."
"Go on and live our best life."
"Once you stop filling the gap, surely his children will finally step up." ~ SentimentalO
"NTA. You were paying because you believed there was honesty and a shared family agreement, not because you signed up to bankroll your aunt’s inheritance."
"He can leave the apartment to whoever he wants, but you’re not obligated to keep funding the care once they made that choice behind your back." ~ oliver_oleigh
"NTA. If you're in the US, you might want to contact the local police to report the property transfer as possible financial exploitation of an elderly person."
"Your grandfather's property should have been sold to help pay for his care, not transferred to your aunt, nor left for other relatives."
"Your aunt pressuring him to change the title for free could constitute fraud." ~ teresajs
"NTA. You may want to contact an attorney and discuss the entirety of the situation with them."
"Given everything that you contributed, you may have a legal claim against a portion of his estate, and you may actually be able to reverse any decisions made recently ABOUT his estate if he is not of sound judgment capacity (or you could have him declared as such)."
"Even just the threat of legal action against the aunt or others might be all it takes to get them to back off."
"In the end, it all should really focus only on how you see him."
"If you consider him family and someone you care about, incorporate that into your decision-making." ~ 6SpeedBlues
"NTA, it is not wrong to expect payment for services rendered."
"You helped, and you paid, and you put off your own move, and none of it for a paycheck."
"For me, it's the manipulation of saying he'd make it right, then letting your aunt talk him out of it."
"And yeah, she's probably mostly to blame, so make her earn that inheritance."
"You can still visit and whatnot, but let her do the heavy lifting." ~ Spiritual_Oil_7411
"NTA - but it sounds like your aunt manipulated the situation." ~ Lunar-Eclipse0204
Reddit is with you, OP.
You set a boundary, which is understandable given the situation.
Hopefully your aunt will step up.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp