Figuring out who gets what after someone dies is never easy.
Well, it could be easy.
But more often than not, loved ones make it arduous.
A lot of the time, everything is not in legal order.
However, when it is in legal order, some people still make a fuss.
Death as a whole is just never easy.
A sibling found themselves in a personal dilemma after their brother passed away, so they turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"AITAH for evicting my deceased brother's fiancé?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My brother passed away recently, and he had a live-in partner/fiancée."
"Both of my parents have passed, and so has my sister. "
"So that leaves me as his next of kin. "
"The house my brother lived in was my grandparents' house."
"He purchased it in 2021, after they passed away."
"We grew up in that house, and I have a massive connection to that home."
"It's the only thing I have left of my family, I'm the only one left."
"Since I'm the next of kin, I inherited the house. "
"I offered his partner, let's say his name is Steve, that he could continue to live there if he paid the mortgage and the property taxes."
"Similar to renting."
"Steve said he couldn't afford it and asked me to sell instead. "
"He requested information on the kind of profits he would be receiving/inheriting from the house."
"I told him even if he wasn't living there, I inherited the house, I won't be selling, and he won't be inheriting any money from it. "
"He demanded that I sell, and that he would take me to court over the inheritance."
"I pleaded to his sensibilities; this was my family home, he was my only connection to my brother, left, and he refused."
"So I offered to pay for an apartment for him for a year, since I'm also my brother's named life insurance beneficiary. "
"Steve demanded everything, including the life insurance, despite my telling him I'm named."
"I told him he wasn't getting anything and needed to leave my family's house after he threatened to take me to court a second time."
"He refused, so I filed for eviction."
"I was also told to add to my post: Steve and my brother were together for 6 years, engaged for 2 prior to his death."
"My brother and I had talked a few months before his death about how sure, they were engaged, but he was probably never going to get married (not sure if this was due to the new administration and concerns around how the same-sex marriage law may change, or if their relationship was rocky)."
"1 year prior to my brother's death, he got a new job and named me as his life insurance beneficiary."
"After they were already engaged."
"Common law doesn't exist in my state, and Steve never paid into the house at all."
"My brother paid all of their bills.'
"I paid the mortgage on my family home for the last year, and just recently talked to Steve after the estate went through probate."
"I can't afford to pay both mortgages regularly."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITAH for evicting my deceased brother's fiancé?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. If your brother had wanted his partner to inherit his home or life insurance policy, he would have named him as the beneficiary."
"Don't give Steve anything."
"Proceed with the eviction, but make sure you are running everything past a lawyer."
"Let Steve take you to court if he wants." ~ MrsSEM84
"NTA. You were generous in your offers to allow Steve to stay and to rent him an apartment."
"He chose not to accept and to demand everything your brother owned."
"If your brother had wanted his unmarried partner to be his beneficiary, he needed to write a will and change his life insurance."
"Your brother didn't do that." ~ teresajs
"Perhaps it's the cynic in me, but seeing the edit and how the brother set things up, I do wonder if he saw this relationship continuing."
"While we all handle grief differently, the fiancée is experiencing grief."
"The fact that they demanded the house sold because they couldn't afford to rent it, then the moment they realised there was more to be had, they demanded that."
"I get the impression this entitlement and expectation to have someone else care for them was something the brother had seen." ~ Hoplite68
"It looks from some other posts that you had some health issues/cancer about a year ago."
"That may explain why your brother chose to leave you his life insurance, in addition to the house."
"Regardless, he made his decisions."
"You have been more than kind, but it is time to implement his estate plan."
"Steve will never change."
"Finish this up and move on." ~ Bluebelle100
"NTA, but this is exactly why I would never build a life with someone who wouldn't legally marry me."
"You have nooo rights once they're gone." ~ SnailandPepper
"This happened to my husband's grandfather's girlfriend at 95 years old."
"It made me see my in-laws in a totally different light."
"Gave her 1 month to pack up and leave."
"They were together for over 20 years."
"That woman was the kindest woman."
"She was just told the date and time of the funeral."
"She was treated horribly and was sequestered to the back row of the funeral service." ~ Imaginary_Theory1539
"Time to go to your local court and initiate the eviction process."
"Do NOT be extorted into paying a year's rent." ~ madskills60
"I think it sucks for the surviving spouse/significant other to be kicked out of a home they lived in together."
"This happens so frequently to those."
"Not married."
"His whole life was destroyed."
"Now he is being forced out of the home they shared."
"But, brother should have made provisions."
"My mom lost her partner of 30-plus years."
"His kids thought they could swoop down and take everything from her."
"Luckily, they made provisions."
"They got their share of the house when it sold."
"But they did not get anything else."
"Unless it was offered to them."
"My mom and her significant other built a life, but they were smart." ~ speee2dy
"NTA, sorry you're going through this."
"I had to deal with something similar when my grandfather passed. "
"Peace and love to you." ~ rational_humanity
"NTA. If the fiancé had been contributing, it would be different."
"For me, the deciding factor was that the life insurance, which was after the engagement, listed you as the beneficiary and not his partner."
"If he was concerned about his partner's ability to manage the finances, he could have set up a trust and asked you to administer it."
"The house being passed to you, regardless of whether they were married, makes sense given your family connection to the home." ~ jennifer79t
"NTA. You have every right to evict Steve."
"If your brother wanted Steve to get anything, your brother would have made arrangements."
"He didn't."
"I'd suggest you consult with an attorney before offering to pay rent, etc."
"I'm not an attorney, but you appear to be in a good place legally."
"This situation is interesting." ~ FlashyHabit3030
"NTA, but I have a feeling that this isn't over."
"I'd expect to find him contesting everything from the eviction to the will."
"I understand he's in pain, but he doesn't have a leg to stand on."
"He could have actually benefitted from your brother's passing, but he wanted to be a di*k to his partner's next of kin."
"Look, if your brother wanted his partner to have a stake in the home, then your brother would have married him or put him on the deed."
"Do not feel guilty. But please UpdateMe!" ~ Dewhickey76
"NTA. Although I'm sure he's behaving this way out of grief."
"People do crazy things when they're grieving, so try to have a little Grace in that sense only."
"It's your family home, and you're doing the right thing."
"You tried to give him other options, which, in my opinion, was way more than generous enough."
"I am very, very sorry for your loss."
"I wish you the best of luck during this terrible time." ~ Equal_Language403
"NTA. Married is married, and not married is not married."
"He has zero claim to anything."
"If your brother wanted his fiancé to get the house, he would have made those arrangements, probably by marrying him."
"I'm sorry about your losses."
"You were exceedingly generous by offering an apt for a season."
"You're not responsible for your brother's partner."
"He is very naive if he expects anything." ~ FamiliarFamiliar
OP returned to chat...
"After everyone speculated on their relationship and the potential issues, it raised a red flag for me."
"So I had a conversation last night with my brother's best friend, 'Anna.'"
"I told her what was going on, asked for some insight, and immediately she told me not to give him anything."
"She said she would testify to this if necessary, but that Steve and my brother were having MAJOR problems."
"My brother tried working it out for the last year of his life, trying to see the relationship through, but nothing was changing."
"Steve was using my brother at every turn."
"About a week before he passed away, he gave him a month to pack up and leave."
"I hadn't talked to my brother since Christmas, a couple of weeks prior, so I had no idea."
"I will be discussing this with my attorney at this point."
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your brother's partner is out of line.
You have to protect what is yours and your brother's.
Sorry for your loss.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp