We've all heard the saying, "Do not throw stones when you live in a glass house," but some people do not seem to understand it until they're experiencing it themselves.
But if one person is doing something morally wrong, they shouldn't try to get someone else in trouble for something they've deemed morally wrong, unless they want to get caught, reasoned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor PleasantLieThrowRA was in a fulfilling throuple relationship and had to refuse the advances of a male coworker repeatedly in the workplace.
He attempted to get her in trouble by revealing her throuple to Human Resources, so the Original Poster (OP) repaid the favor by sharing evidence of his advances, as well as the evidence she had of his current affair.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for exposing my coworker after he exposed me?"
The OP was in a happy and fulfilling throuple relationship.
"I (28 Female) have been in a happy and committed throuple for about three years now. It's unconventional, but it works for us."
"I also enjoy posting on a social media platform that's more on the 'mature' side; think Facebook, but for adults who like to talk about NSFW (Not Safe for Work) topics and post NSFW pictures."
"My face isn't visible in any of the pictures, and I never talk about my job on there, so I didn't think it would ever be an issue at work, especially because our job doesn't have a morality clause."
One of the OP's coworkers meddled in her private business.
"One of my coworkers, Jake (34 Male), recently found my profile on this site. Jake has always been a bit too friendly, making suggestive comments and flirting with me, despite knowing I'm not interested."
"I've turned him down countless times, but he just doesn't take the hint. He thinks that just because I'm poly, I want to be with him."
"Instead of keeping his discovery to himself, Jake took screenshots of my posts and ran to HR (Human Resources), accusing me of 'unbecoming internet activity' that could damage the company's reputation."
"I got called into a meeting with HR, and honestly, I was terrified. However, after reviewing the posts, HR told me that because my face wasn't visible and there was nothing identifying the company, it wasn't their concern and was my own personal business."
"They assured me that no action would be taken against me and that I hadn't violated any policies. My direct boss said that the meeting was more toward me and that Jake was sharing my private pictures in the workplace."
The OP retaliated with the information she had on her coworker.
"Even though I was cleared, I still felt humiliated that my private life had been dragged into work like this. And I was beyond angry that Jake tried to get me in trouble over something that had nothing to do with him."
"Here's where I might be the a**hole. After that HR meeting, I was still fuming. I knew Jake was married and had heard rumors about him cheating on his wife with another woman in the office. I also had a bunch of inappropriate messages he'd sent me, including some sent during work hours, which I hadn't done anything about until now."
"Instead of going back to HR, I decided to take matters into my own hands."
"I found Jake's wife on social media and anonymously sent her all the screenshots of his messages to me, along with some information about his affair."
"I literally found his profile and his mistress' profile on the SAME site he said was 'unbecoming' and sent her the links to both. I figured if he wanted to dig into my private life, he should face the consequences of his own actions."
The office was divided over what the OP had done.
"It didn't take long for everything to blow up. Jake's wife confronted him, and now she's filed for divorce."
"Word spread around the office, and Jake is absolutely furious with me, saying I ruined his marriage and made his life h**l."
"Some of my coworkers think I went too far and should have just let it go, but others believe he got what he deserved for trying to get me in trouble over something that was none of his business."
"So, AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt the OP was right to retaliate.
"NTA. People in glass houses shouldn't throw hand grenades with a bungee cord attached (still working on that one)."
"Seriously, he tried to spread revenge porn to make OP lose her job in retaliation for not letting him into her bed. When you go after someone's livelihood, the gloves are off and the boots are on." - big_bob_c
"What the f**k did he think was gonna happen? That after being potentially raked over the coals by Human Resources, she was gonna magically now want him? F**k no!"
"He deserves everything he's getting." - Damagedbeme
"Jake invaded your privacy and tried to use it against you. You returned the favor. While it's messy, he opened that door. You're not the asshole here."
"Now walk those unwanted advances to HR yourself and get him out of there. That is what OP should've done when she was called into the meeting with HR and her boss! At that meeting, OP should've disclosed the texts from Jake and let HR know that Jake went to HR to get OP fired in retaliation for OP rejecting his advances!"
"Jake is a TOTAL MOR*N! People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! As a married man, Jake should have been smart enough to realize that if he tried to f*ck over OP she would likely retaliate by informing his wife and/or HR about Jake's unwanted workplace advances to OP and even about OP's affair with his side chick!" - bluejaybrother
"So he tried to get you fired (or at least reprimanded with something in your file) for what you do in the privacy of your own home, because you rejected his advances."
"So you let his wife know that he has been pursuing you and another coworker, one of which he landed. What's fair is fair... goose and gander or some sh*t. He tried to use your personal life to get you into work trouble and you used his work life to ruin his personal life... HAHA, love it."
"Don't be a d**k, and that kind of s**t won't happen. NTA." - Fit_Reason7319
"NTA."
"Even if he had not reported you to HR as retaliation for refusing his sexual advances, you would still have been justified in telling his wife about his unwanted sexual advances toward you. The attempt to get you fired just makes it even more justified."
"You ruined nothing in his life. He did it to himself." - Pandoratastic
"NTA! He tried to get you fired from your job! You should take those texts to your HR as well. This way he can lose his job on top of his marriage, he deserves it if he's gonna be a hypocritical a**hole."
"And he ruined his own marriage by cheating on no one else, and he wasn't even discreet! His wife knowing doesn't change the facts. I absolutely hate it when people say you should mind your own business by withholding lies. It's deceitful and enabling."
"I've never quite understood people that think because somebody is poly or even those in an open marriage, that it means they are free game for funsies with everyone they encounter." - Feisty_Fantastic4445
"The next time Jake tries to confront you, you should tell him, 'I have no idea what you're talking about Jake. I'm sorry to hear that you ruined your marriage.'" - rocketmn69_
Others were so disgusted by the coworker's behavior and were glad he was called out.
"Some men act so entitled. And if she doesn't want him, at least he can make her look like a s**t. (Strangely; she's a s**t who can't be bought by whatever currency he was bringing…)"
"I have had this happen to me by guys in pubs. One was turned down so many times that he took it upon himself to yell, 'Wh**e! Wh**e! Wh**e!' at me in the parking lot afterward, and then he kicked my friend's bicycle, making her fall off. She had to go to the ER to have her leg X-rayed!" - Individual_You_6586
"This really is the better option because it's more work-related as Jake tried to make it." - TableDisastrous705
"NTA. Well done. His wife deserved to know. It's laughable that he blames you. He decided to blow up his life when he cheated."
"I'd report him to HR for the sexual harassment (bring receipts) and tell them his behavior now is also unacceptable as he is publicly accusing you of ruining his marriage. Your professional reputation is important, too." - Ok-Try-857
"NTA. You saved his wife some wasted time before she found out. Your coworker is an id**t."
"You should let HR know what's going on because there's a chance he will continue and escalate things further. Also, watch your back in your life outside of work." - lostgravy
"She was kinda sweet. She could've brought all that to the attention of HR, and he would've been fired. Now he still has a job to pay for his alimony and maybe child support." - Little_Donny
"NTA! I'd do the same thing! His divorce was coming anyway! Anyone who is married and is hiding a double life from their spouses is looking forward to karma! This was his! And you happened to be the face of Karma!" - Wild_Sense2277
The subReddit applauded the OP for coming forward about Jake's behavior and felt it was time for him to get called out. Not only was he compromising his marriage and workplace, but by unnecessarily making something private public, he set himself up to be called out.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.