We've all heard the saying, "Do not throw stones when you live in a glass house," but some people do not seem to understand it until they're experiencing it themselves.
But if one person is doing something morally wrong, they shouldn't try to get someone else in trouble for something they've deemed morally wrong, unless they want to get caught, reasoned the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor PleasantLieThrowRA was in a fulfilling throuple relationship and had to refuse the advances of a male coworker repeatedly in the workplace.
He attempted to get her in trouble by revealing her throuple to Human Resources, so the Original Poster (OP) repaid the favor by sharing evidence of his advances, as well as the evidence she had of his current affair.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for exposing my coworker after he exposed me?"
The OP was in a happy and fulfilling throuple relationship.
"I (28 Female) have been in a happy and committed throuple for about three years now. It's unconventional, but it works for us."
"I also enjoy posting on a social media platform that's more on the 'mature' side; think Facebook, but for adults who like to talk about NSFW (Not Safe for Work) topics and post NSFW pictures."
"My face isn't visible in any of the pictures, and I never talk about my job on there, so I didn't think it would ever be an issue at work, especially because our job doesn't have a morality clause."
One of the OP's coworkers meddled in her private business.
"One of my coworkers, Jake (34 Male), recently found my profile on this site. Jake has always been a bit too friendly, making suggestive comments and flirting with me, despite knowing I'm not interested."
"I've turned him down countless times, but he just doesn't take the hint. He thinks that just because I'm poly, I want to be with him."
"Instead of keeping his discovery to himself, Jake took screenshots of my posts and ran to HR (Human Resources), accusing me of 'unbecoming internet activity' that could damage the company's reputation."
"I got called into a meeting with HR, and honestly, I was terrified. However, after reviewing the posts, HR told me that because my face wasn't visible and there was nothing identifying the company, it wasn't their concern and was my own personal business."
"They assured me that no action would be taken against me and that I hadn't violated any policies. My direct boss said that the meeting was more toward me and that Jake was sharing my private pictures in the workplace."
The OP retaliated with the information she had on her coworker.
"Even though I was cleared, I still felt humiliated that my private life had been dragged into work like this. And I was beyond angry that Jake tried to get me in trouble over something that had nothing to do with him."
"Here's where I might be the a**hole. After that HR meeting, I was still fuming. I knew Jake was married and had heard rumors about him cheating on his wife with another woman in the office. I also had a bunch of inappropriate messages he'd sent me, including some sent during work hours, which I hadn't done anything about until now."
"Instead of going back to HR, I decided to take matters into my own hands."
"I found Jake's wife on social media and anonymously sent her all the screenshots of his messages to me, along with some information about his affair."
"I literally found his profile and his mistress' profile on the SAME site he said was 'unbecoming' and sent her the links to both. I figured if he wanted to dig into my private life, he should face the consequences of his own actions."
The office was divided over what the OP had done.
"It didn't take long for everything to blow up. Jake's wife confronted him, and now she's filed for divorce."
"Word spread around the office, and Jake is absolutely furious with me, saying I ruined his marriage and made his life h**l."
"Some of my coworkers think I went too far and should have just let it go, but others believe he got what he deserved for trying to get me in trouble over something that was none of his business."
"So, AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt the OP was right to retaliate.
"NTA. People in glass houses shouldn't throw hand grenades with a bungee cord attached (still working on that one)."
"Seriously, he tried to spread revenge porn to make OP lose her job in retaliation for not letting him into her bed. When you go after someone's livelihood, the gloves are off and the boots are on." - big_bob_c
"What the f**k did he think was gonna happen? That after being potentially raked over the coals by Human Resources, she was gonna magically now want him? F**k no!"
"He deserves everything he's getting." - Damagedbeme
"Jake invaded your privacy and tried to use it against you. You returned the favor. While it's messy, he opened that door. You're not the asshole here."
"Now walk those unwanted advances to HR yourself and get him out of there. That is what OP should've done when she was called into the meeting with HR and her boss! At that meeting, OP should've disclosed the texts from Jake and let HR know that Jake went to HR to get OP fired in retaliation for OP rejecting his advances!"
"Jake is a TOTAL MOR*N! People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! As a married man, Jake should have been smart enough to realize that if he tried to f*ck over OP she would likely retaliate by informing his wife and/or HR about Jake's unwanted workplace advances to OP and even about OP's affair with his side chick!" - bluejaybrother
"So he tried to get you fired (or at least reprimanded with something in your file) for what you do in the privacy of your own home, because you rejected his advances."
"So you let his wife know that he has been pursuing you and another coworker, one of which he landed. What's fair is fair... goose and gander or some sh*t. He tried to use your personal life to get you into work trouble and you used his work life to ruin his personal life... HAHA, love it."
"Don't be a d**k, and that kind of s**t won't happen. NTA." - Fit_Reason7319
"NTA."
"Even if he had not reported you to HR as retaliation for refusing his sexual advances, you would still have been justified in telling his wife about his unwanted sexual advances toward you. The attempt to get you fired just makes it even more justified."
"You ruined nothing in his life. He did it to himself." - Pandoratastic
"NTA! He tried to get you fired from your job! You should take those texts to your HR as well. This way he can lose his job on top of his marriage, he deserves it if he's gonna be a hypocritical a**hole."
"And he ruined his own marriage by cheating on no one else, and he wasn't even discreet! His wife knowing doesn't change the facts. I absolutely hate it when people say you should mind your own business by withholding lies. It's deceitful and enabling."
"I've never quite understood people that think because somebody is poly or even those in an open marriage, that it means they are free game for funsies with everyone they encounter." - Feisty_Fantastic4445
"The next time Jake tries to confront you, you should tell him, 'I have no idea what you're talking about Jake. I'm sorry to hear that you ruined your marriage.'" - rocketmn69_
Others were so disgusted by the coworker's behavior and were glad he was called out.
"Some men act so entitled. And if she doesn't want him, at least he can make her look like a s**t. (Strangely; she's a s**t who can't be bought by whatever currency he was bringing…)"
"I have had this happen to me by guys in pubs. One was turned down so many times that he took it upon himself to yell, 'Wh**e! Wh**e! Wh**e!' at me in the parking lot afterward, and then he kicked my friend's bicycle, making her fall off. She had to go to the ER to have her leg X-rayed!" - Individual_You_6586
"This really is the better option because it's more work-related as Jake tried to make it." - TableDisastrous705
"NTA. Well done. His wife deserved to know. It's laughable that he blames you. He decided to blow up his life when he cheated."
"I'd report him to HR for the sexual harassment (bring receipts) and tell them his behavior now is also unacceptable as he is publicly accusing you of ruining his marriage. Your professional reputation is important, too." - Ok-Try-857
"NTA. You saved his wife some wasted time before she found out. Your coworker is an id**t."
"You should let HR know what's going on because there's a chance he will continue and escalate things further. Also, watch your back in your life outside of work." - lostgravy
"She was kinda sweet. She could've brought all that to the attention of HR, and he would've been fired. Now he still has a job to pay for his alimony and maybe child support." - Little_Donny
"NTA! I'd do the same thing! His divorce was coming anyway! Anyone who is married and is hiding a double life from their spouses is looking forward to karma! This was his! And you happened to be the face of Karma!" - Wild_Sense2277
The subReddit applauded the OP for coming forward about Jake's behavior and felt it was time for him to get called out. Not only was he compromising his marriage and workplace, but by unnecessarily making something private public, he set himself up to be called out.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.