Everyone wants to help a friend.
But sometimes one can't help without being told that the help is necessary.
People aren't mind readers.
So people may need to speak up.
Redditor Last_Finance_2604 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for taking my friend's "no" at face value instead of insisting?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (25 M[ale]) have a close friend (24 F[emale]) who's been dealing with a lot of stress lately."
"Nothing life-threatening, but enough that she's been skipping meals, isolating herself, and generally not taking care of herself."
"One evening, we were hanging out, and I noticed she hadn't eaten all day."
"I offered to order food for her. She said, 'I'm not hungry.'"
"I asked again a few minutes later because I knew she hadn't eaten."
"Same answer."
"So I dropped it."
"Later that night, she texted me saying she was upset."
"She said I should have known she didn't actually mean 'no' and that a real friend would've insisted, ordered the food anyway, or at least kept trying because she was clearly struggling."
"I told her I cared about her, but I also believe adults should be able to say what they mean."
"If someone tells me 'no' twice, I'm going to respect that answer."
"I don't think it's my place to override someone's decision just because I think I know better."
"She argued that when people are emotionally overwhelmed, they sometimes need someone to push through their resistance."
"I said that expecting people to read your mind isn't fair."
"If you want help, tell me."
"I'll gladly help, but I can't guess which 'no' actually means/yes.'"
"Now, a few mutual friends think I was too detached and that I should've recognized she needed support even if she wasn't asking for it."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for respecting what she said instead of insisting?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the Ahole.
"NTA. Adults use their words."
"Your friend is acting like a child."
"She's also trying to manipulate you." ~ Regular_Boot_3540
"She’s setting OP up for failure."
"If someone repeatedly tells you they don’t want food, respecting their explicit answer is the most reasonable thing an adult can do." ~ mellow_caramel31
"NTA, she can use her big girl words."
"No means no." ~ oCrystal
"I taught my daughter that no is the final answer."
"Once she had some friends over, she asked me for something, and I said no."
"Then I heard a girl say, 'Ask her again.'”
"My daughter said, 'When my mom says no, I can’t ask again.'”
"But I made sure I said yes more than I said no."
"But now that she’s an adult, and if I ask her something more than once, like 'are you sure you don’t want it?' she repeats my words back to me."
"And if OP had gone ahead and ordered food and insisted his friend eat, she would have complained that he was controlling, didn’t listen to her, and treated her like a child."
"He wasn’t going to win that one." ~ Malibucat48
"She argued that when people are emotionally overwhelmed, they sometimes need someone to push through their resistance."
"Horsesh*t. The fact that she could 'explain' this to you afterwards either means she knew at the time that she wanted food and refused it for dramatic effect, or that she really didn't want food and is now hungry, trying to blame her own mistake on you."
"If you'd continued to push her to order something, she would've given you sh*t for not respecting her boundaries."
"She set things up so no matter which wire you tripped, she'd be there to get her feelings hurt. NTA." ~ columbologist
"EXACTLY!!!"
"If she’s self-aware enough to understand that her response was because she was overwhelmed, then she should also understand that she is responsible for her actions."
"Her texting later to try and guilt her friend reveals that she was being deliberately manipulative." ~ neverwasthedragon
"I had an ex-friend who was like this."
"He went to jail one time, and after that, I was always worried about when he wouldn't answer texts or DMs."
"One time I was like, 'yes, I know you're depressed, but I would really love to know you're at least still around!'"
"No answer to me but he posted some stupid articles about 'Why people don't like to respond when they're depressed' on Facebook."
"Great, dude."
"If you can explain the problem and use it as an excuse, you can use that same effort to just answer the person directly." ~ Diligent_Design7843
"Exactly."
"Overwhelmed people can have trouble realising they're drowning and asking for help when they need it, and OP helped close that gap... Twice."
"She needs to learn to say what she means and mean what she says."
"Literally any word other than 'No' would have been more helpful. NTA." ~ ProfessionalLock1371
"NTA. You have the right approach."
"No is always a no."
"You’re not a mind reader." ~ Opposite_Length_3669
"NTA. Stress and mental health issues are hard to navigate."
"It sounds like she’d rather dwell on a fight with you than take care of herself."
"You asked twice."
"She’s a big girl; she can indeed use her words." ~ Suspicious_Juice717
"NTA. I have ADHD with food rejection under hyperfocus, and I have learned to tell my partners, 'My brain doesn't want to let me eat because that involves stopping what I'm doing and making decisions. Can you pick for me, make it for me, and bring it here?'"
"Even if it's just a bowl of ramen, not t having to make it myself is key to my brain letting me eat it, but I had to learn that and explain it to my partners to get them on board so they could know what to do in that situation, but it starts with ME communicating my needs."
"Your friend needs therapy." ~ silveroakediting22
"She sounds like the kind of person who needs to be a victim."
"If you'd insisted, she would have told your mutual friends how you pressured her and wouldn't take no for an answer."
"Tread very carefully in this friendship." ~ HomelyHobbit
"We have a rule in our household (Polyamorous household): No responding to subtext."
"If you want someone done, you need to say it clearly as a statement."
"No passive-aggressive statements; No exaggerated sighs; no mind reading."
"If it isn't clearly stated, then it will not be acted upon."
"This also helps one of our members who is recovering from emotional abuse."
"We gently remind him that an offer to finish off the leftovers, for example, is a genuine offer, no strings attached."
"He doesn't need to try to read what we really want him to do."
"He just needs to decide if he wants the food or not." ~ faintingrobin
"NTA. You did recognize she needed support, which is why you offered."
"Part of what's overwhelming her could be that she wants/expects people to not actually listen to her." ~ pottersquash
"Absolutely NTA."
"She’s trying to make you responsible for her mental health, and you are not."
"If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have noticed she hadn’t eaten or offered to get her food to begin with. "
"You’re her friend, not her caregiver."
"Tell her not to should all over you." ~ DecemberViolet1984
"NTA. You aren't obliged to physically intuit when someone is refusing food because they want to be coddled and morph into a hardass on demand."
"Eating disordered behavior isn't inherently controlling, but it can become a form of care-seeking for some people."
"I think you're doing her a kindness by nipping this in the bud."
"I mean, she DID make a decision- she decided it's your fault she didn't eat."
"I'd tell her kindly, if she really is struggling and is otherwise a good friend, that you can't be responsible for pushing her around, and although you will offer support, she can't demand you force it if she's refusing." ~ MelonBump
"NTA. What she is asking for is unhealthy coping and very self-centered."
"Playing those mind games with people is just a way of wallowing in one's own self-pity."
"How you responded to her initial need and later complaining was exactly right." ~ napsrule321
"NTA. You asked TWICE!"
"Should you be browbeating her with questions?"
"Why do people think we can read minds?"
"Sorry, this sounds childish and princessy."
"You aren't her mother, and she isn't three years old, needing to be persuaded to eat."
"Not your job."
"You cared enough to ask twice. That would have told me that you cared." ~ Worth-Two7263
"NTA. She’s struggling and blaming."
"Through this, you’ve made it clear that you’re there for her, but if she wants your help, she needs to take a small step in your direction."
"Rather than being hurt by them, take her comments as reaching out and positive." ~ HeyDoggyBoy
"NTA. Someone taught this woman wrong, and she will keep having conflicts like this with other adults."
"Snap decisions can sometimes change with a few min to think, so giving things a 'one', 'are you sure?' after the initial question is often a good idea, but beyond that it's just badgering, and some people will simply say yes after a few repeats of the question just to make the harassment stop and not because they actually consent."
"I hope she considers what you said." ~ SoybeanArson
"NTA and you are a bastion of good morals." ~ nickelangelo2009
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your friend is expecting a lot.
If she needs help, she needs to speak up.
Adults need to be adults.
