Remaining friends with exes is a very divisive subject, because some can't help but immediately see the possible red flags.
But when an ex is presented as a solid backup plan for a current relationship, that's an actual, tangible red flag, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Mindless_Lettuce5306 had been with her fiancé for almost four years and was looking forward to their wedding since they'd gotten engaged six months prior.
When she found out that her future parents-in-law not only viewed her fiancé's ex-girlfriend as a 'backup plan,' but they also regularly invited her to family gatherings without properly introducing them, the Original Poster (OP) felt betrayed.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for canceling our engagement after what happened at dinner?"
The OP was looking forward to her wedding day.
"I (26 Female) have been with my fiancé (31 Male) for almost four years."
"We got engaged six months ago and have been planning our wedding for next spring."
That is, until she found out the truth at a family dinner.
"Last Friday, we had dinner with his parents and his older sister."
"Everything was normal until his mom started talking about grandchildren. I laughed and said we hadn't even picked a venue yet."
"His dad looked at my fiancé and said, 'Well... unless your backup plan works out.'"
"Everyone at the table went quiet."
"I asked what he meant, and my fiancé quickly changed the subject."
"His sister looked uncomfortable and said, 'Dad, seriously?'"
The OP's fiancé tried to downplay it.
"On the drive home, I asked him what his dad was talking about."
"At first, he claimed he had no idea. But after I kept asking, he admitted that about a year ago, during a rough patch in our relationship, his parents encouraged him to stay in touch with his ex-girlfriend 'just in case things didn't work out.'"
"He said he never got back together with her, but he also admitted they exchanged birthday and holiday texts because he 'didn't want things to end on bad terms.'"
"That bothered me, but it wasn't the worst part."
"I asked why his dad would call her a 'backup plan.'"
"He eventually admitted that his parents still invite his ex-girlfriend to some family gatherings because she's close with his sister. He said he didn't tell me because he knew I'd be upset, and he insisted he leaves before she arrives whenever possible."
"I asked if she'd been at any events while we were together. He said yes."
"Then I asked the question that had been bothering me all night. 'Has she ever been at a family event where I was also there?'"
"He paused for a long time before saying yes."
"Apparently, last Christmas, she stopped by for dessert after I'd already been there for hours. He knew she'd be coming and never mentioned it to me. He said he thought it would 'avoid unnecessary drama' if I didn't know who she really was."
The OP's trust was broken.
"Now I'm questioning everything. I don't think he's cheating, but I feel like he intentionally kept me in the dark so I couldn't object."
"He says his family is difficult, and he was trying to keep the peace."
"He also said that canceling the engagement over this would be an overreaction."
"I told him I needed time to think, and now both his parents and sister are texting me, saying I'm blowing one awkward family situation out of proportion."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were enraged for the OP and reassured her she deserved better than to "need" a backup plan.
"I'm so angry on your behalf, OP. In my opinion, the fact that there was a backup plan in place is all you need to know." - ArtsyGirl-and-Cat
"Tell him AND his family, you have decided to go with plan B. Since they also have one, I'm suuure they'll understand." - Feeling-Fab-U-Lus
"NOR. That family doesn't respect you, and neither does he. Divorces are expensive, so nip the potential marriage in the bud." - DigBickEnergia
"I think that if OP stays in this relationship, his family will constantly be comparing her to the ex."
"The ex being at a Christmas party an op was the only one who didn’t know who she was; that’s pretty disgusting in my opinion. That would be the deal breaker for me."
"The fiancé has not been honest with OP for years. Cancel the engagement. None of his family can be trusted." - nowstheworstoftimes
"Everyone knew the ex was there except for you. How embarrassing. It’s like, 'the joke’s on her!' and I’m sure they were watching to see if you interacted with her unknowingly. How many times were you and her at a d**n function??"
"This is middle school s**t. Your 'fiancé' is a PIECE OF S**T!!"
"Honestly, his whole family too. They were all in on it the whole time. Imagine going to family holidays with people like this." - BorkBorkWrangler
"It wouldn't matter what the family might think or how much they were still rooting for and loved the ex-girlfriend, maybe she's a great person, if the OP's now-ex just grew a set and acted like an honorable adult person."
"The fact that he went and tattled to them about OP in such a way that they feel it's ok to harass her about it tells me all I need to know."
"OP, don't settle for this. He is showing you who he is. You deserve someone who is more worried about creating and keeping the peace with you than his ridiculous family." - jumpyjumperoo
"This conversation leaves me feeling livid on behalf of OP."
"Going forward and no matter what you do, there will be a little niggle; a seed of doubt surrounding your place in this family."
"OP, they broke up for a reason, but your fiancé’s behaviour: lying by omission to ‘prevent drama’; obfuscating the truth about his ex-girlfriend’s ongoing involvement with his family; not berating his parents for proposing a backup plan (no matter how flippant) demonstrates a blatant disregard for your feelings and disrespect for you and your relationship."
"Adding to that, his family being aghast by your response and not embarrassed nor remorseful by the way THEY have undermined your relationship is telling."
"OP, I am sorry you are facing this. All I would say is look carefully at how you have been spoken to and treated by both your fiancé and his family in the past."
"Take some time and space; consider all the moments where you may have shrugged off an odd comment or dismissed an uncomfortable feeling and then make your decision. I doubt this is the only time where you may have felt something was not quite right."
"Unfortunately, OP, if you choose to end the relationship, his parents will think their comment was prophetic, and if you don’t, it will have served to undermine your trust in both your fiancé and his family."
"NOR, and I wish you well." - Cool-Blackberry-785
Others agreed wholeheartedly and reassured the OP that she deserved better than to waste her time on an inauthentic marriage.
"He's a liar, and he's deceitful. That's a moral failing on his part, and it's a core part of his personality. There are two kinds of people, one that's honest and one that's not. And that's not going to change. Get out now while you can." - NamasteNoodle
"NOR. Not only do they not respect you, but his father was also laughing at you. They think it’s funny to sneak his ex around you at family events without you knowing."
"And the boyfriend’s argument is that he doesn’t want unnecessary drama."
"Misogynists use that word to keep women from having completely justified anger about their actions. He knows what he is doing is wrong, or else he wouldn’t be sneaking around. He just doesn’t want to stop." - PizzaCutter
"I’m sorry, but this is not “one awkward family situation.” This isn’t accidentally walking in on his parents fucking, or something like that. This was a deliberate choice by his family members to continue to include his ex in their family plans, and a deliberate choice by your partner to not tell you about it."
"If it had happened ONE time and they all agreed, 'that was a bad thing to do, we crossed a boundary, let’s never do it again,' then maybe I’d give them the benefit of the doubt. But this went on for months. He had ample opportunities to come clean to you, and now his parents are making comments about it RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU."
"Either your partner cuts off contact with his ex and tells his family to butt out of your relationship, full stop, or I’d say this is not someone you want to marry. NOR."
"Also, I am not someone who subscribes to the whole 'no one should ever talk to their ex at all once they’re in a new relationship.' I am good friends with my ex still (my fiancé is okay with this), and my family absolutely loves him, and they have even said he can come hang out with them any time he wants, whether I’m there or not."
"They absolutely adore him. But they also adore my fiancé, and they would never, ever overstep a boundary and invite my ex to a family gathering without asking me/us if it was okay first."
"I just wanted to say that so nobody thinks I’m coming in here guns blazing just because this person is his ex. It’s not the presence of the ex that is the problem per se; it’s the inherent lack of transparency regarding said ex from everyone else involved. NOR." - carpetDMcosplay
"NOR. They all purposely kept you in the dark. His WHOLE FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!! Anyone who knows who you, and her, and who have been at gatherings with both of you there, have kept you in the dark."
"And he's okay with it. He has one foot out the door if things don't work out with you."
"Don't marry this man. Call off the engagement/wedding. This will be your life."
"His father doesn't respect you; that's why he said what he said."
"Get couples counseling if you think your relationship is worth fighting for. But you will be the only one fighting for it."
"Because he's okay with keeping his options open by stringing both of you along."
"Choose yourself. Because he hasn't. And this is the time that he should be choosing you as his new family. Good luck." - Dourexpectations
"Tell him he still has his backup in place since he never shot that down. No way in H**l would I marry a man like this."
"His parents obviously like the other girl better, and it doesn’t seem to matter much to him as long as he’s married."
"Let her have him. They’re a match made in Hell. You’ll be better off without the entire family." - Shadow4summer
Sometimes when romantic relationships end, it's not because the two people want each other out of their lives in every way, so they maintain a friendship and romantically move on. That would be acceptable, but joking about being a backup plan is red flag, especially when you're aware enough of that fact that you keep that joke from your new partner.
