Coming out to one's family is never easy.
Even if your family does eventually accept you with open arms, sometimes mustering up the courage to tell them always brings on stress and anxiety.
As you never know how they'll react to learning something about you, which is simply part of who you are.
Redditor Daddofthree loved and accpeted one of his sons when he came out as transgender.
Sadly, not everyone in the original poster (OP)'s family was quite as accepting.
Including the OP's sister, who revealed her intolerance in a fairly humiliating manner, and the OP did nothing to hide his outrage in the matter.
After being told by his family that he went too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for storming off from my sister's wedding after she deadnamed my son?"
The OP explained how after their sister publicly humiliated his son at her wedding, they felt there was only one way to handle it.
"I'm a 45-year-old (YO) single father of three."
"Their mom died 10 years ago."
"I have 3 sons, 17 YO Andrew, 15 YO Connor and 14 YO Max."
"Connor was born female, he is trans."
"He came out as trans 5 years ago, and has now socially transitioned, not yet physically."
"My sister (38 F[emale]) just got married."
"Me and my sons were also invited."
"My family has known that Connor is trans for 2 years now, some have adjusted well, some not so much."
"My sister is pretty indifferent about it."
"Her wedding was really super well organized to the last detail."
"She wanted all the men to wear shirt+tie and then women sundresses."
"I texted her a picture of our outfits the day before the wedding, and she said 'where's Nia's dress?'."
"I was a bit surprised and told her not to deadname my son and that he'll be wearing a shirt and tie like the rest of men there or we aren't coming."
"She said 'fine' and that was it."
"At the reception, my sister got mad that Connor was wearing a tie, but didn't say much after that."
"When we sat down at our table, the card 'Nia'."
"I went to my sister and she said she used 'their real name'."
"I told her me and the boys are leaving and she told me 'don't you dare cause a scene at MY WEDDING, Nia can be a guy any other day'."
"I called her a bigot and we left."
"My family says I ruined her wedding."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for leaving his sister's wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP did absolutely the right thing by not forcing their son to endure such an indignity, and that his sister's behavior was, indeed, bigoted.
"NTA."
"And kudos to you for standing up for and by your son."
"Trans kids need the love and support of their parents."
"It means so much to them."
"Sometimes it can mean the difference between life and death to them."
"Your sister and your family are TA."
"You did what every parent should do: protect and support your child."- Halloweenie85
"NTA."
"Defend your trans kid from micro aggressions, it will save their life."- CleverJake23
"You stood up for your kid."
"That makes you a wonderful parent, definitely NTA."- Hour_Dog_4781
"NTA."
"First, you’re a hero for protecting your kid."
"Never feel sorry for that."
"Second, your sister isn’t 'indifferent' to your son being trans."
"She’s actively a transphobe."
"Nobody accepting or even indifferent would repeatedly use a deadname."
"Honestly, in your position I’d just cut her out."- _PrincessOats
"NTA."
"Long con idea tho; she got married right?"
"She was miss Smith let's say, she's now Mrs Jones right?"
"Conveniently forget the Jones and call her Smith."
"I mean that's what you've known her as your whole life, so it's hard to change what you've called someone their whole life even if they prefer you call them something else."- lucifersnana
"NTA."
"Your family, on the other hand take the cake in that."
"Good for you for sticking up for your son!"- Katabri
"NTA."
"If she wanted you at her wedding, she should've respect your son's identity."- er3t
"NTA."
"I don't quite understand all this transitioning stuff, but it looks to me like you respect your child and you demanded that your sister respect him also, and she didn't."
"If anyone created a scene, it was her by putting Nia on the name card."
"You did the right thing."- ClothesQueasy2828
"NTA."
"What your sister did is transphobia, she ruined the wedding herself for being discriminatory and hateful of your son."
"You did good there, you are an awesome dad for supporting and standing up for your son."
"Your sister is a b!sh and I hope that she mature enough to accept people the way they truly are and respect their choices."- Waffles_ja
"NTA."
"I came out as trans when I was 16 and I wish I had this kind of support."
"Your sister is a bigot."
"Your kid will remember this in a good way, and I’m glad Connor has you in his corner."- rorythelow
"NTA and Connor is lucky to have you in his corner."
"And your sister is incorrect, Connor cannot be a guy 'another day' because he is a guy every day."-BloodQueen93
"NTA."
"Thank you for standing up for your child."- Fatt3stAveng3r
"NTA."
"Good for you for having your son's back and modeling good behavior for all of your kids."-alwaysneverenough
"You're NTA."
"Good on you for defending your son, although I suggest not revealing his deadname to the internet next time."
"May cause dysphoria if he finds out, some transphobes may use it against him, and it's called a DEADname because it doesn't exist anymore."
"Your sister disrespected your son's identity and is highly misinformed about trans people."
"It'd be great to try to educate her, so she'll stop deadnaming and misgendering your son, and if she doesn't listen, then screw her."
"Transphobes don't deserve sh*t."- wheredyougetthattop
"Thanks for the awards!"
"NTA."
"As parents of trans kids, we have one job."
"KEEP TRANS KIDS ALIVE."
"Your sister is clearly not on the team."- pdiddyday
"NTA."
"As a trans woman, I can say that your son will remember you standing up for him for the rest of his life."
"That kind of support from a parent is life changing, especially at such a tender age."
"You did the right thing, your sister knew what she was doing when she picked that particular fight to start on that particular day."- takemetoprom
"NTA."
"YOU GO DAD!"
"Somebody give this man a f*cking cape!"- TashiaNicole1
"NTA."
"My kid is also trans."
"I would have thrown a drink on her."- ginamon
"I hope you did ruin her wedding."
"She’d deserve that."
"NTA."- deny_pentagram
"NTA."
"It would have cost your sister nothing to be kind to her nephew."
"You were also way more polite than I would have been."
"I probably would have ripped up the card in her face, then loudly called her a bigot before I left."
"How is your son?"
"How did he handle what happened?"- CatMomma82
"NTA."
"And good for you for standing up to your transphobic sister."- The_Tiny_Empress
"You didn't cause a scene, your sister caused a scene."
"She ruined her own wedding."
"She can not plead ignorance as she knew she was stirring the pot and decided to do it anyway knowing you would stand up for Connor!"- Crystal-Slipper
"NTA."
"Good job standing up for your son."
"You didn’t ruin the wedding."
"The bride ruined her wedding by choosing to allow her bigotry to dictate he decisions."
"It would NOT have been hard to label the card with Connor’s name and accept that he’ll be wearing a suit and tie."
"The only reason it was hard for her is bigotry."
"Plain and simple."
"Again, good job for standing up for Connor!"
"Don’t for one second let her make you think you’re the a**hole here."- zszal
"NTA."
"As a Catholic school teacher who is fed up with the hate disguised as religion, all I can say is F*ck your sister and her selfish attitude."- ringo1713
"NTA."
"And as a trans person, thank you."
"Your son will remember this far more vividly than your sister, I assure you."
"You seem like a great dad."
"Almost all of us with family that doesn't outright reject us have that memory where our otherwise supportive parents asked us to go back in the closet for an extended family member to keep from 'causing a scene' by our very existence, rather than expecting the family member who's actually the problem not to cause a scene."
"Now your son knows you've got his back in a way unfortunately many parents don't have the courage to do for their kids."
"Check in with your son to see if he's okay."
"Being a teenager is hard, and knowing his aunt feels that way about him can really mess with a kid."
"He's gonna run into this sort of thing a lot all his life, and you won't always be able to protect him from it, but knowing he can talk to you about it is more than most trans kids have."
"And rest assured: Despite all the awful from the backlash against queer rights, things are getting better at an unprecedented rate."
"If your sister keeps throwing a fit, send her the statistics on the difference in suicide rates between trans youth whose families are vs are not supportive of them."
"Regardless, she's going to need to have a serious change of perspective."
"I hope it comes sooner rather than later."- snek-without-oreos
It's almost more surprising that the OP's sister didn't even stop to think that her deadnaming her nephew was guaranteed to cause a scene.
One can only hope that she'll come to realize that however humiliated she was by the OP and his sons leaving her wedding early, her nephew was even more hurt and humiliated by her actions.
It will sadly take much more than a simple apology to ease this pain.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp