Coming out to one’s family is never easy.
Even if your family does eventually accept you with open arms, sometimes mustering up the courage to tell them always brings on stress and anxiety.
As you never know how they’ll react to learning something about you, which is simply part of who you are.
Redditor Daddofthree loved and accpeted one of his sons when he came out as transgender.
Sadly, not everyone in the original poster (OP)’s family was quite as accepting.
Including the OP’s sister, who revealed her intolerance in a fairly humiliating manner, and the OP did nothing to hide his outrage in the matter.
After being told by his family that he went too far, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for storming off from my sister’s wedding after she deadnamed my son?”
The OP explained how after their sister publicly humiliated his son at her wedding, they felt there was only one way to handle it.
“I’m a 45-year-old (YO) single father of three.”
“Their mom died 10 years ago.”
“I have 3 sons, 17 YO Andrew, 15 YO Connor and 14 YO Max.”
“Connor was born female, he is trans.”
“He came out as trans 5 years ago, and has now socially transitioned, not yet physically.”
“My sister (38 F[emale]) just got married.”
“Me and my sons were also invited.”
“My family has known that Connor is trans for 2 years now, some have adjusted well, some not so much.”
“My sister is pretty indifferent about it.”
“Her wedding was really super well organized to the last detail.”
“She wanted all the men to wear shirt+tie and then women sundresses.”
“I texted her a picture of our outfits the day before the wedding, and she said ‘where’s Nia’s dress?’.”
“I was a bit surprised and told her not to deadname my son and that he’ll be wearing a shirt and tie like the rest of men there or we aren’t coming.”
“She said ‘fine’ and that was it.”
“At the reception, my sister got mad that Connor was wearing a tie, but didn’t say much after that.”
“When we sat down at our table, the card ‘Nia’.”
“I went to my sister and she said she used ‘their real name’.”
“I told her me and the boys are leaving and she told me ‘don’t you dare cause a scene at MY WEDDING, Nia can be a guy any other day’.”
“I called her a bigot and we left.”
“My family says I ruined her wedding.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for leaving his sister’s wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP did absolutely the right thing by not forcing their son to endure such an indignity, and that his sister’s behavior was, indeed, bigoted.
“NTA.”
“And kudos to you for standing up for and by your son.”
“Trans kids need the love and support of their parents.”
“It means so much to them.”
“Sometimes it can mean the difference between life and death to them.”
“Your sister and your family are TA.”
“You did what every parent should do: protect and support your child.”- Halloweenie85
“NTA.”
“Defend your trans kid from micro aggressions, it will save their life.”- CleverJake23
“You stood up for your kid.”
“That makes you a wonderful parent, definitely NTA.”- Hour_Dog_4781
“NTA.”
“First, you’re a hero for protecting your kid.”
“Never feel sorry for that.”
“Second, your sister isn’t ‘indifferent’ to your son being trans.”
“She’s actively a transphobe.”
“Nobody accepting or even indifferent would repeatedly use a deadname.”
“Honestly, in your position I’d just cut her out.”- _PrincessOats
“NTA.”
“Long con idea tho; she got married right?”
“She was miss Smith let’s say, she’s now Mrs Jones right?”
“Conveniently forget the Jones and call her Smith.”
“I mean that’s what you’ve known her as your whole life, so it’s hard to change what you’ve called someone their whole life even if they prefer you call them something else.”- lucifersnana
“NTA.”
“Your family, on the other hand take the cake in that.”
“Good for you for sticking up for your son!”- Katabri
“NTA.”
“If she wanted you at her wedding, she should’ve respect your son’s identity.”- er3t
“NTA.”
“I don’t quite understand all this transitioning stuff, but it looks to me like you respect your child and you demanded that your sister respect him also, and she didn’t.”
“If anyone created a scene, it was her by putting Nia on the name card.”
“You did the right thing.”- ClothesQueasy2828
“NTA.”
“What your sister did is transphobia, she ruined the wedding herself for being discriminatory and hateful of your son.”
“You did good there, you are an awesome dad for supporting and standing up for your son.”
“Your sister is a b!sh and I hope that she mature enough to accept people the way they truly are and respect their choices.”- Waffles_ja
“NTA.”
“I came out as trans when I was 16 and I wish I had this kind of support.”
“Your sister is a bigot.”
“Your kid will remember this in a good way, and I’m glad Connor has you in his corner.”- rorythelow
“NTA and Connor is lucky to have you in his corner.”
“And your sister is incorrect, Connor cannot be a guy ‘another day’ because he is a guy every day.”-BloodQueen93
“NTA.”
“Thank you for standing up for your child.”- Fatt3stAveng3r
“NTA.”
“Good for you for having your son’s back and modeling good behavior for all of your kids.”-alwaysneverenough
“You’re NTA.”
“Good on you for defending your son, although I suggest not revealing his deadname to the internet next time.”
“May cause dysphoria if he finds out, some transphobes may use it against him, and it’s called a DEADname because it doesn’t exist anymore.”
“Your sister disrespected your son’s identity and is highly misinformed about trans people.”
“It’d be great to try to educate her, so she’ll stop deadnaming and misgendering your son, and if she doesn’t listen, then screw her.”
“Transphobes don’t deserve sh*t.”- wheredyougetthattop
“Thanks for the awards!”
“NTA.”
“As parents of trans kids, we have one job.”
“KEEP TRANS KIDS ALIVE.”
“Your sister is clearly not on the team.”- pdiddyday
“NTA.”
“As a trans woman, I can say that your son will remember you standing up for him for the rest of his life.”
“That kind of support from a parent is life changing, especially at such a tender age.”
“You did the right thing, your sister knew what she was doing when she picked that particular fight to start on that particular day.”- takemetoprom
“NTA.”
“YOU GO DAD!”
“Somebody give this man a f*cking cape!”- TashiaNicole1
“NTA.”
“My kid is also trans.”
“I would have thrown a drink on her.”- ginamon
“I hope you did ruin her wedding.”
“She’d deserve that.”
“NTA.”- deny_pentagram
“NTA.”
“It would have cost your sister nothing to be kind to her nephew.”
“You were also way more polite than I would have been.”
“I probably would have ripped up the card in her face, then loudly called her a bigot before I left.”
“How is your son?”
“How did he handle what happened?”- CatMomma82
“NTA.”
“And good for you for standing up to your transphobic sister.”- The_Tiny_Empress
“You didn’t cause a scene, your sister caused a scene.”
“She ruined her own wedding.”
“She can not plead ignorance as she knew she was stirring the pot and decided to do it anyway knowing you would stand up for Connor!”- Crystal-Slipper
“NTA.”
“Good job standing up for your son.”
“You didn’t ruin the wedding.”
“The bride ruined her wedding by choosing to allow her bigotry to dictate he decisions.”
“It would NOT have been hard to label the card with Connor’s name and accept that he’ll be wearing a suit and tie.”
“The only reason it was hard for her is bigotry.”
“Plain and simple.”
“Again, good job for standing up for Connor!”
“Don’t for one second let her make you think you’re the a**hole here.”- zszal
“NTA.”
“As a Catholic school teacher who is fed up with the hate disguised as religion, all I can say is F*ck your sister and her selfish attitude.”- ringo1713
“NTA.”
“And as a trans person, thank you.”
“Your son will remember this far more vividly than your sister, I assure you.”
“You seem like a great dad.”
“Almost all of us with family that doesn’t outright reject us have that memory where our otherwise supportive parents asked us to go back in the closet for an extended family member to keep from ‘causing a scene’ by our very existence, rather than expecting the family member who’s actually the problem not to cause a scene.”
“Now your son knows you’ve got his back in a way unfortunately many parents don’t have the courage to do for their kids.”
“Check in with your son to see if he’s okay.”
“Being a teenager is hard, and knowing his aunt feels that way about him can really mess with a kid.”
“He’s gonna run into this sort of thing a lot all his life, and you won’t always be able to protect him from it, but knowing he can talk to you about it is more than most trans kids have.”
“And rest assured: Despite all the awful from the backlash against queer rights, things are getting better at an unprecedented rate.”
“If your sister keeps throwing a fit, send her the statistics on the difference in suicide rates between trans youth whose families are vs are not supportive of them.”
“Regardless, she’s going to need to have a serious change of perspective.”
“I hope it comes sooner rather than later.”- snek-without-oreos
It’s almost more surprising that the OP’s sister didn’t even stop to think that her deadnaming her nephew was guaranteed to cause a scene.
One can only hope that she’ll come to realize that however humiliated she was by the OP and his sons leaving her wedding early, her nephew was even more hurt and humiliated by her actions.
It will sadly take much more than a simple apology to ease this pain.