Handling your trans siblings with care is important. They often face stigma and rejection from much of the world, so getting support at home is vital.
That being said, the rules of courtesy and of time don't just go away in light of anybody's identity. It's tough to make all situations work.
Redditor DesignerAd9274 found herself in a tough situation when her trans sister asked her a difficult question.
She took to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" for feedback:
"AITA for not including trans sister in my wedding party?"
She began with acknowledging her sister's role in her life.
"So this happened last year. I got engaged back in 2018, and chose my wedding party, 3 of my closest friends, and my fiancé chose his brother and 2 of his friends. Growing up, I was not close to my younger sister (then brother). There wasn't any bad blood or anything, we just don't have a lot in common and barely speak."
And then she acknowledged her sister's coming out process, as well as where the issue began.
"About 2 months before my wedding, my sister came out as a trans woman. I was happy for her that she's finally living her true life. Shortly after, she approached me and asked to be one of my bridesmaids, saying that it would basically be a sort of milestone for her in her new life as a woman."
Our Original Poster, or OP, was put in a difficult position because of the lack of resources available.
"I told her no, because we already had everything planned out and the wedding was just a few weeks away. I told her I fully supported her if she wanted to wear a dress to the wedding, but it would be hard to include her at that last minute. She said she understood and didn't bring it up again."
Then OP's younger sister got really sad.
"She ended up not attending the wedding, despite RSVPing yes. My parents and I tried reaching out several times over last year to see if she was okay, but she kept telling us she was fine and that she needed to be alone."
And then the truth came out.
"We finally talked recently and she told me she 'boycotted' my wedding because she knew the reason that I didn't want her as a bridesmaid was that she looked very masculine still. That isn't true at all. She insists that if I didn't find the way she looked objectionable, I would have included her. AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring OP was:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Reddit seemed to be in agreement that, though the situation was precarious, OP was not at fault.
"NTA. People will always, always make someone else's wedding about themselves. She should have spoken more with you about it instead of boycotting your wedding altogether."~pennywhistlesmoonpie
"The thing is you don't ask to be a part of the bridal party you are asked by the bride. And that close to the wedding it would be hard to add an extra person in and if OP paid for the dresses that's another expense they didn't budget for. Plus the hair and make up cost and the cost of the bachelorette party. It's also so weird she boycotted and took it as OP being transphobic when they weren't even close and therefore she wouldn't have been asked anyway."~silke_worm
"NTA. Whole wedding was planned and just a few weeks away. The day was about YOU and your now husband not about her reaching a milestone. (As harsh as that sounds its true, it wasnt about her)"~Bug_a_boo_Mama
"NTA- your wedding isn't her coming out party. Like you said, you already chose your bridesmaids and your husband had his bridal party chosen. And it was just a few weeks before your wedding, NTA!"~byebyelovie
"NTA. Was fully prepared to say YTA if you'd had a problem with considering her a woman or letting her wear a dress to your wedding or smth, but yeah NTA. She would have a legitimate complaint if she'd asked you ages ago and you'd been evasive or rejected her for transphobic reasons, but that shortly before the wedding it's obviously tough to include another person in the bridal party. Her insecurities are normal but it's not fair to project them onto you."~e-elegia
Reddit found very little reason to be sympathetic.
"NTA for a number of reasons:
- She was never in the bridal party to begin with.
- It's your wedding day, emphasis on YOUR, which leads to 3...
- In the name of all that is holy, will people stop hijacking other people's events for their own 'look at me' moment."~10MinutesToRegister
"NTA. She wanted you to change your bridal party weeks before your wedding so SHE can achieve a milestone? It's not about her. It's your day. If she feels she needs a party to celebrate her transition (which is fine todo), she can throw herself a party and have a day about her. Not overtake your wedding so she can present her transition to the world. (and kudos to you for being accepting of her transition.)"~travellingdink
"When my (now) little sister came out as trans in the beginning everything was really difficult. Like every little thing was a battle and we were attacking them despite the fact that we supported her. I think it's just a sensitive spot when you start out. Almost like she felt like she had to prove she's who she is. Things are much better today and she's the happiest she's ever been. I hope that it's just a rough start and things will get better."~Queen_Bean031
"NAH. I think your sister is just really struggling right now, and taking much-needed time to sort things out. You didn't owe her a place in your wedding, but please try to be empathetic with how self-conscious she probably is right now. Don't take it personally."~oliveyoda
But coming out as trans is hard and the rejection likely got compounded with some underlying fears and insecurities.
"NTA and this kind of reminds me of an AITA the other day where OPs gay friend was accusing him of homophobia because he (OP) didn't approve of his friend proposing to his boyfriend, publicly, at a wedding, mere moments after the bride and groom were announced. His concern was about etiquette not sexuality, in the same way your sister seems to have made this about her gender when it doesn't sound like you made it about that at all."~upinthecrowsnest
"NAH, you are 100% not an a&&hole here. Your sister is making a harsh accusation but she is only doing so after being prodded about it for a year almost. She clearly wanted to work though her insecurity on her own and not cause waves. It's better for her to be honest than lie so you both can work though this together finally."
"When you first come out it's easy to be woefully insecure. I noticed this even more so in the trans feminine people I know."
"She was just figuring out who she is and starting from near scratch. Think back to high school/teen years. Every teenager is constantly worrying about what other people think of them, and assume others are judging them even when it's not the case. This is because teenagers don't have a fully developed sense of self, so others opinions becomes a big deal due to a lack of self-confidence in ones self."
"We call transitioning second puberty for a reason. Not just the HRT changes our bodies & emotions. When you realise you're transgender you also realise that big part of your life was not correct. That you more or less were faking things to fit in. So you can start wondering 'what else about me is false?' As well as learning that a lot of social norms and expectations for you was built around a gender you are not. So then you start trying to figure out what you can do and who your are without those pre-set guidelines to light the way forward so to speak. It does push you to re-define your sense of self."
"Now add on top of that, transphobia actually exists. People have murdered other people for being part of your community more or less. Or have been kicked out of their homes etc. All things considered its not surprising that for some transgender people when freshly out of the closet can be hyper aware & sensitive of possible criticism and rejection from others. Even when none actually exists."
"Like in your case. You were in no way transphobic or did the wrong thing. You told her the truth, gave her an explanation & had good reasoning in saying no, and gave her a opportunity to express and be herself at your wedding. I can't think of a better way to have handled it. You did everything right here."
"Your sister unfortunately has a brain pre-disposed to jumping to worst case scenarios right now due to a lack of self-confidence. She jumped to unfair but understandable false conclusions."
"Talk to her, explain you missed seeing her at your wedding and maybe suggest a shopping trip or gift her some old feminine items of yours that you won't use anymore. The conversation alone can be helpful if you focus on supporting her. That's all she needs really support."
"She will be able to see how ludicrous she was when she has more confidence that will grow in time."~LeadingJudgment2
"NAH. I'm kinda leaning towards nta because boycotting your wedding without any notice was super rude but also I can empathize with how she might feel. Its hard to come out and sometimes I think we're (lgbtq people) are so terrified that the people we love are going to reject us that we automatically assume everything's a rejection. Its one of those things where I think you need to stand your ground about not taking any blame for her feelings while also still understanding them."
"That being said, there's literally no way you're in the wrong. Planning a wedding is stressful and last minute changes are just not a thing that can happen"~r3allybadusername
"I can understand where your sister is coming from. Especially if you're her only sister, this may have been her only chance to be a bridesmaid for a family member, and if that's your scene then it'd really suck to miss out on that opportunity."
"That being said, you're NTA because your reasons weren't based in prejudice: they were based on the reality of the situation, that being it was too late to add a bridesmaid. And she is TA for insisting otherwise."~TheFireIsGuarded314
While it could be a difficult conversation with a lot of hurt feelings, OP needs to have a productive conversation with her sister in order for things to change.
We hope that she now has the tools with which to do so.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp