Misgendering means to refer to someone, especially a transgender person, using a word, especially a pronoun or form of address, that does not reflect their gender identity.
But misgendering isn’t just an issue for transgender people.
Any person who fails to conform to gender stereotypes can be a target, like in a recent incident in a Walmart where a cisgender woman was targeted because she is tall.
A man being misgendered by his sister turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Alternative_Tip7402 asked:
“AITA for refusing to be my sister’s maid-of-honor?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (26, male) am trans, and have come out to my family 3 years ago. Although I am still waiting to get top surgery and start on T, I have started to transition socially.”
“I cut my hair, changed my name, and asked people to call me he/him. To most, I look like a feminine guy at the very least.”
“In my family, it was sort of a hush-hush topic about how I’m trans. At Thanksgiving it’s one of those things nobody brings up, but they still respect my pronouns and name.
“Now here’s where my sister (28, female) comes into play. She got engaged 2 years ago and her wedding is in June.”
“She asked me to be her maid-of-honor last week, which threw me off. I asked her what that entailed.”
“She said she wanted me to do all the traditional things. Help her plan a bachelorette party, help her go dress shopping, etc…”
“I was totally cool with this and honestly really excited since this was my sister and I grew up really close to her. That was until she told me her bridesmaids ideas.”
“She wants us to be wearing matching bodycon dresses, topped with feminine hairdos, makeup, and accessories. Naturally, I asked if I could be exempt from this since I’m a guy.”
“She said that it’s fine if I dress like that, since I haven’t transitioned all the way yet, and I already halfway look like a girl, so it won’t throw anyone off if I dress like that.”
“She then added on that she’d like to strictly refer to me as her sister during the wedding, vows and toasts and all, due to the fact that her fiancé’s family is really conservative and against trans people.”
“She thought that she could hide the fact I’m trans by basically untransitioning me for the wedding.”
“I tried to ask if there was any other way around having me present as a woman, and she said no. She expects me to go full bra and everything.”
“I politely declined after hearing how set she was on having me look like that and she went MAD. She told everyone that I had thrown a fit about not getting to wear what I want and that I was ruining her special day.”
“Now I’m doubting myself. Maybe doing this just for one day isn’t the worst….? My family is on my sister’s side, except for my brother.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I refused to be my sister’s maid-of-honor due to the fact that I am trans and she is not accommodating for that, and now that everyone is against me, I feel as though I made a mistake.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. You are a man, not a woman. Your transphobic sister has no right to treat you as if being trans is just a fleeting notion because you haven’t completed a surgical transition.”
“Tell her you will happily be her MAN of honor, dressed in a suit with accessories to coordinate with the bridesmaids’ dresses.”
“Under no circumstances should you lie about who you are. Not by letting her dress you up like a barbie doll.”
“Not by allowing her to deadname you and call you her ‘sister’. Not by catering to the delicate sensibilities of a bunch of transphobic a**holes.”
“And while your family pretends to be accepting in private, they are transphobic. If they do not wholeheartedly support you in public, they are not truly supportive at all.” ~ JewelCatLady
“NTA—your sister is asking you to hide who you are for a bunch of transphobes. The only one ruining her day is her with her intolerance and transphobic attitude.”
“Do not doubt yourself, because you would most likely be miserable trying to pretend to be someone that you are not.”
“Your family (with the exception of your brother) isn’t much better. I’d also inform the rest of the family exactly what was said – you politely declining vs her version of you throwing a fit.”
“Be your most authentic self, and tell your sister to find herself someone else if she can not respect your body autonomy.” ~ toosheeptheorist
“NTA. Brides get some say in requesting a look for their wedding party. Asking you to detransition is not an acceptable request.”
“If she wants a maid of honor, you are no longer a ‘maid’ and therefore have to politely step down. If she wants you as a ‘made of honor’ and be acknowledged as her brother, you sound like you’d be more than willing to fill that role.”
“Big life milestones make a lot of people freak out when they can’t reconcile reality with their expectations of life. It sounds like most of your family is in denial about your transition and is against your life choices.”
“And this ‘phase” or alt ‘lifestyle’ becomes a permanent thing for them if it’s in official event photos of something serious to them like a wedding, so they’d rather you ‘be normal’ for that so they can continue to be in denial.
“But all of that is very demeaning and not actually understanding what transitioning is. If they actually understood what it meant for you, they’d never suggest you put yourself aside.”
“They’d never ask you to sacrifice like that to coddle people that don’t like your choices. Unfortunately you found out your family would rather you deny how you want to live your life, because they’d rather please people who hate people that live like you.” ~ notthedefaultname
“NTA. I think the important clue is that she is marrying into a conservative family. That’s her motivation, that’s what she cares about.”
“That’s why she is ignoring who you are now and trying to pretend you are who you were back then. In your place I wouldn’t go along with that.”
“I would wish her well, and even be willing to be a guest at the wedding. But obviously, taking part in the wedding party is not happening, and I’d make sure to stress that she can’t refer to me as her sister.”
“Then it’s up to her to accept those terms or you won’t be at the wedding. I don’t think it’s a good message to send to your family that you are willing and able to revert to being her sister as needed.”
“How many more times will they expect this of you? How serious will they take your transition if you revert when requested?” ~ Deep-Okra1461
“Wow. Absolutely NTA. It is wild she expects you to dress as and pretend to be a woman for her wedding.”
“Hell no. You are a man. She knows that. She should respect you as her brother. If she wants you to be involved in supporting her as her man of honour, great. But backtrack all the way to appear in photographs forever as not yourself?”
“Absolutely not. You are NTA for putting your foot down and holding your boundary at wearing a suit like the other men in the wedding party.”
“I vote you find a good artist to create a realistic beard you can apply in public. Tell her you don’t plan to shave for the wedding.”
“Ask if she really expects her in laws to believe that the bearded bridesmaid with hairy legs is a female.” ~ Cautious-Job8683
“NTA. No, screw that. You’re a guy, and expecting you to pretend otherwise for her transphobic soon-to-be inlaws is awful.”
“This is a bad sign for how she’ll continue to treat you around her STB husband and/or his relatives.”
“She seems like she will not support you and will always want you to ‘just pretend’ indefinitely. Virtual hugs and good luck.” ~ Winterwynd
“NTA. OP, your sister is marrying into a family that openly hates your very existence, and so, by proxy, she also supports these horrible ideas.”
F*ck, your family, except for your brother. Being on her side means they also support these ideas.”
“My wife’s middle sibling is trans and has struggled with their parents. They wore a suit to our wedding and were dapper af.” ~ R4eth
“NTA. Your sister and your family are transphobes like her fiancé’s family. They need to accept you how you are.
“Or yeesh, at least not demand you detransition for appearances sake. I say you don’t even go to the wedding at all.
“How is it 2025 and this is still a thing?” ~ Emotional_Fan_7011
It’s about respect for this brother.
If he’s not going to receive any respect from his family, maybe it’s time to put some distance between them.