Misgendering means to refer to someone, especially a transgender person, using a word, especially a pronoun or form of address, that does not reflect their gender identity.
But misgendering isn't just an issue for transgender people.
Any person who fails to conform to gender stereotypes can be a target, like in a recent incident in a Walmart where a cisgender woman was targeted because she is tall.
A man being misgendered by his sister turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Alternative_Tip7402 asked:
"AITA for refusing to be my sister's maid-of-honor?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (26, male) am trans, and have come out to my family 3 years ago. Although I am still waiting to get top surgery and start on T, I have started to transition socially."
"I cut my hair, changed my name, and asked people to call me he/him. To most, I look like a feminine guy at the very least."
"In my family, it was sort of a hush-hush topic about how I'm trans. At Thanksgiving it's one of those things nobody brings up, but they still respect my pronouns and name.
"Now here's where my sister (28, female) comes into play. She got engaged 2 years ago and her wedding is in June."
"She asked me to be her maid-of-honor last week, which threw me off. I asked her what that entailed."
"She said she wanted me to do all the traditional things. Help her plan a bachelorette party, help her go dress shopping, etc..."
"I was totally cool with this and honestly really excited since this was my sister and I grew up really close to her. That was until she told me her bridesmaids ideas."
"She wants us to be wearing matching bodycon dresses, topped with feminine hairdos, makeup, and accessories. Naturally, I asked if I could be exempt from this since I'm a guy."
"She said that it's fine if I dress like that, since I haven't transitioned all the way yet, and I already halfway look like a girl, so it won't throw anyone off if I dress like that."
"She then added on that she'd like to strictly refer to me as her sister during the wedding, vows and toasts and all, due to the fact that her fiancé's family is really conservative and against trans people."
"She thought that she could hide the fact I'm trans by basically untransitioning me for the wedding."
"I tried to ask if there was any other way around having me present as a woman, and she said no. She expects me to go full bra and everything."
"I politely declined after hearing how set she was on having me look like that and she went MAD. She told everyone that I had thrown a fit about not getting to wear what I want and that I was ruining her special day."
"Now I'm doubting myself. Maybe doing this just for one day isn't the worst....? My family is on my sister's side, except for my brother."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I refused to be my sister's maid-of-honor due to the fact that I am trans and she is not accommodating for that, and now that everyone is against me, I feel as though I made a mistake."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You are a man, not a woman. Your transphobic sister has no right to treat you as if being trans is just a fleeting notion because you haven't completed a surgical transition."
"Tell her you will happily be her MAN of honor, dressed in a suit with accessories to coordinate with the bridesmaids' dresses."
"Under no circumstances should you lie about who you are. Not by letting her dress you up like a barbie doll."
"Not by allowing her to deadname you and call you her 'sister'. Not by catering to the delicate sensibilities of a bunch of transphobic a**holes."
"And while your family pretends to be accepting in private, they are transphobic. If they do not wholeheartedly support you in public, they are not truly supportive at all." ~ JewelCatLady
"NTA—your sister is asking you to hide who you are for a bunch of transphobes. The only one ruining her day is her with her intolerance and transphobic attitude."
"Do not doubt yourself, because you would most likely be miserable trying to pretend to be someone that you are not."
"Your family (with the exception of your brother) isn't much better. I'd also inform the rest of the family exactly what was said - you politely declining vs her version of you throwing a fit."
"Be your most authentic self, and tell your sister to find herself someone else if she can not respect your body autonomy." ~ toosheeptheorist
"NTA. Brides get some say in requesting a look for their wedding party. Asking you to detransition is not an acceptable request."
"If she wants a maid of honor, you are no longer a 'maid' and therefore have to politely step down. If she wants you as a 'made of honor' and be acknowledged as her brother, you sound like you'd be more than willing to fill that role."
"Big life milestones make a lot of people freak out when they can't reconcile reality with their expectations of life. It sounds like most of your family is in denial about your transition and is against your life choices."
"And this 'phase" or alt 'lifestyle' becomes a permanent thing for them if it's in official event photos of something serious to them like a wedding, so they'd rather you 'be normal' for that so they can continue to be in denial.
"But all of that is very demeaning and not actually understanding what transitioning is. If they actually understood what it meant for you, they'd never suggest you put yourself aside."
"They'd never ask you to sacrifice like that to coddle people that don't like your choices. Unfortunately you found out your family would rather you deny how you want to live your life, because they'd rather please people who hate people that live like you." ~ notthedefaultname
"NTA. I think the important clue is that she is marrying into a conservative family. That's her motivation, that's what she cares about."
"That's why she is ignoring who you are now and trying to pretend you are who you were back then. In your place I wouldn't go along with that."
"I would wish her well, and even be willing to be a guest at the wedding. But obviously, taking part in the wedding party is not happening, and I'd make sure to stress that she can't refer to me as her sister."
"Then it's up to her to accept those terms or you won't be at the wedding. I don't think it's a good message to send to your family that you are willing and able to revert to being her sister as needed."
"How many more times will they expect this of you? How serious will they take your transition if you revert when requested?" ~ Deep-Okra1461
"Wow. Absolutely NTA. It is wild she expects you to dress as and pretend to be a woman for her wedding."
"Hell no. You are a man. She knows that. She should respect you as her brother. If she wants you to be involved in supporting her as her man of honour, great. But backtrack all the way to appear in photographs forever as not yourself?"
"Absolutely not. You are NTA for putting your foot down and holding your boundary at wearing a suit like the other men in the wedding party."
"I vote you find a good artist to create a realistic beard you can apply in public. Tell her you don't plan to shave for the wedding."
"Ask if she really expects her in laws to believe that the bearded bridesmaid with hairy legs is a female." ~ Cautious-Job8683
"NTA. No, screw that. You're a guy, and expecting you to pretend otherwise for her transphobic soon-to-be inlaws is awful."
"This is a bad sign for how she'll continue to treat you around her STB husband and/or his relatives."
"She seems like she will not support you and will always want you to 'just pretend' indefinitely. Virtual hugs and good luck." ~ Winterwynd
"NTA. OP, your sister is marrying into a family that openly hates your very existence, and so, by proxy, she also supports these horrible ideas."
F*ck, your family, except for your brother. Being on her side means they also support these ideas."
"My wife's middle sibling is trans and has struggled with their parents. They wore a suit to our wedding and were dapper af." ~ R4eth
"NTA. Your sister and your family are transphobes like her fiancé's family. They need to accept you how you are.
"Or yeesh, at least not demand you detransition for appearances sake. I say you don't even go to the wedding at all.
"How is it 2025 and this is still a thing?" ~ Emotional_Fan_7011
It's about respect for this brother.
If he's not going to receive any respect from his family, maybe it's time to put some distance between them.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp