When it comes time to get married, one of the worst things people could imagine is their family not getting along with their future spouse. And for many, this fear becomes reality.
For her wedding, Interesting_Ad_144 just wanted to get through it without issue. That became impossible after her family found out her fiancé is trans.
The original poster (OP) tried to get the situation under control, but in the end disinvited her family from attending her wedding. OP’s family is, of course, upset.
Now they’re upset and OP isn’t sure if they did the right thing. So she decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about her situation.
OP felt very insulted by her family.
“AITA for uninviting my family from my wedding after insulting my marriage”
But did she overreact?
“I (25F[emale]) have been with my fiancé “Matt” (27M[ale]) for 5 years, however we met 7 years ago.”
“My fiancé is a transgender man and started medically transitioning a few months after we met. He is the love of my life and I am happy to have been with him through his journey and it has been beautiful watching him become the man he is today.”
“Both my fiancé and I had agreed we would introduce him to my family after he had been on testosterone long enough, as he is more comfortable keeping his identity to himself, which works well because from outward appearances you would only know he was trans if he told you.”
“After meeting, my parents and my siblings (22M, 18M, 15F) all loved Matt. They were super encouraging of our engagement.”
“My family is pretty accepting, however being from a small religious town they are insensitive and quite ignorant when it comes to LGBTQ+ people. Hence why we did not tell them.”
“Matt proposed to me March 2021, and with things slowly opening back up we finally planned our wedding for this summer. Both of us invited our families and some friends for a rather small wedding.”
“We talked with our friends and Matt’s family and made sure that his identity would not be a conversation at our wedding, to which everyone agreed.”
“At a dinner at my parents, my youngest sister waves her phone around with a picture of Matt in high school on it. I’m a bit fuzzy on how she found it but she’s quite the skilled social media stalker so I would assume that’s how she came across it.”
“She excitedly says ‘See I was right, OP isn’t pregnant!’ (Which I later found out was a bet with the rest of my family that me and Matt were finally getting married because I was pregnant) Me and Matt were mortified.”
“Shaken up but put on the spot Matt reveals that he is transgender and the photo is him pre transition.”
“Of course my entire family starts making inappropriate remarks towards Matt about his genitals and identity, my 18 year old brother even going as far as poking Matt’s chest to see if he has breasts. (EDIT: not that it changes much but Matt had a double mastectomy)”
“My parents said ‘they never took me for a lesbian but they were excited to attend their first gay wedding.’ And to me and Matt’s horror, everyone sneers rude remarks about Matt secretly being a woman. After trying to defend Matt we decided to leave.”
“In the following days I get plenty of messages and calls telling me I overreacted riddled with transphobic remarks about how my fiancé will never be a real man and I was disrespecting myself and them.”
“I told them to apologize to Matt personally if they wanted to attend our wedding, which none of them did. I told them not to come and if they did it was with a written apology to Matt.”
“After a ton of fuss they told me they would not apologize because I was in the wrong for lying about Matt’s identity. I haven’t spoken to them since but have received many angry texts”
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for disinviting her family for insulting her fiancé by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit board agreed that OP did nothing wrong. Her family was being transphobic and refused to acknowledge what they did wrong.
OP did the right thing, standing up for her fiancé. She gave a very clear and simple path for her family to apologize if they wanted to come to the wedding.
And that none of them took OP up on it, is not her fault.
“NTA. Y’all get married without them and have the happiest wedding ever! You and your fiancé did not deserve that disrespect.” – exmospy19
“NTA They did the exact thing you knew they would when they found out. Your HUSBAND does not need that toxicity in his life and neither do you.”
“You did nothing wrong. Your family sucks.” – Dios-De-Pollos
“NTA, you stood up for what you believed was right and for your fiance. Though if your fam might be open to listening, maybe there is a need to explain and educate them why their actions are wrong, but only you can tell if this will work.”
“Kudos to you, happy blessed marriage!” – CieloCiel1234
“Thank you! I truly can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.” – Interesting_Ad_144 (OP)
“You are both bloody awesome! I don’t know y’all but I’m damn proud of you anyway!”
“Stick to your guns. Do not let them set foot at your wedding without a proper apology and confirmation that their crap ends now and it never comes up again.”
“You did not wrong by not telling them. It’s none of their business!”
“Your sister is an AH for finding this photo and she should be ashamed of herself.” – IceQueenTigerMumma
“NTA – They have absolutely no right to spew that hatred to you and should be the ones begging forgiveness. In fact, I’d throw it back it their faces that you didn’t tell them because you feared this very reaction.”
“Much happiness to you and your fiancé 💜” – TooOldForThis74
The commenters try to get at the heart of the issue. OP’s family is bigoted and don’t seem likely to change.
If they refuse to accept her fiancé, what can OP do to handle her family?
Should she go no contact (NC) or is there another option?
“NTA, you are aware that what your brother did is called Sexual Assault and is a crime in most countries right? The fact your family didn’t even blink at their Adult Son acting like this means they probably aren’t worth keeping in your life in general.”
“Suppose a male did this to someone identifying as female because ‘I wanted to see if they were real.’ or walked up to an NB person and grabbed their crotch to ‘check what they are’.”
“What your brother did is no different, just because your boyfriend identifies as male doesn’t give anyone the right to touch him Especially to be ‘checking for parts’.”
“Note this is just the part that jumps out at me the most, the rest is despicable in it’s own way and I don’t have the energy to go into every way what they did is wrong, probably don’t have the character limit for it either.”
“Stick to your guns, hell I’d block them personally because an apology wouldn’t be enough to fix this if it were me.” – StrykerC13
“It really did irk me as well. My brother has known Matt for 3-4 years so it’s not like he didn’t know Matt does not have breasts.”
“I talked to my fiancé about it and it seems it made me more angry that it made him (god bless his patience because that is not a virtue I was so graciously given)” – Interesting_Ad_144 (OP)
“Your fiancé is probably used to insensitive an inappropriate questions and behavior. I’m so sorry y’all have to deal with that bullsh**.” – Knitiotsavant
“NTA – Don’t allow them to the wedding. I would also go NC with them, they are just a bunch of bigots.”
“Why would they attend now anyway after all the rubbish they sent and said to you. I would say enjoy your wedding and have the best day ever! You don’t need people like this around” – davidgarner77
“I’ve been NC with them ever since, though I am open to reconnecting if they genuinely show that they’re sorry and want to learn. I talked to Matt and I’m willing to be close with them again only when he is ready.”
“It’s tough but them turning on the man they had gushed about to me years before infuriated me.” – Interesting_Ad_144 (OP)
“It may be too extreme, and i don’t know if they’re the pushy kind of people, but it wouldn’t hurt to have some sort of security at the wedding/reception.” – CJB95
OP made the right choice for her and her fiancé, but it’s not always feasible. How you handle your family when they act like a bigot should be as effective as you can make it, and tailored for your experience.