One way or another, it becomes evidently clear during a first date whether or not there will be a second date.
Sometimes we might think things are going well, only for an awkward goodbye at the end, making it apparent that things didn't go quite as well as we hoped they might.
While other times, we know within the first five minutes or less that the chemistry just isn't there, and there simply is no future.
Occasionally resulting in things ending before the first date is even over.
Redditor HelpWanted0501 recently went on their first "first date" in some time.
Unfortunately, the date did not get off to the best start, with things only steadily going downhill.
Leading the original poster (OP) to take an early departure, making no secret of why they were bolding.
Having some guilt about their honesty, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole Here?" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for telling my date off for treating it like a job interview?"
The OP explained why they called it quits on a recent first date:
"I (25 M[ale]) met this woman (29 F[emale]) on Bumble and went out with her yesterday."
"It's been a few months since I went on a date, and tbh I just wanted to get myself back out there so even if I wasn't 100% sure about this person, I decided to go in with an open mind and see what happened."
"Unfortunately it felt less like a date and more like she was interviewing me for a position."
"Throughout the whole date, which was over drinks and dinner, she asked specifics about my job such as what I do, how much I make, etc."
"She looked disappointed when I told her I was entry level and have only been working for a year, which I don't get why she's shocked that's pretty normal for 24-25 year old dudes in Canada since we mostly graduate at 23 here, it hasn't even officially been 2 years since my convocation yet."
"She also kept asking me how I'd react to certain scenarios such as what if my kid expressed a certain train of thought, etc."
"And she also asked when I was planning on having kids, which isn't something I'm even thinking about right now."
"None of my friends are tbh."
"My final straw was when she asked how much I exactly make."
"Wtf."
"At that moment I started laughing in disgust and told her I think it was time to end the date and got up."
"When she asked and tried getting me to stay, I told her she reminded me of my HR department and told her it was the worst first date I've been on in 5 years (unironically was)."
"She was shocked and I took that opportunity to simply pay my tab and leave without saying anything more."
"Looking back I feel a little bad."
"She looked really sad when I told her that and I wonder if I went a little too hard."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP did nothing wrong and had nothing to feel bad about.
While not everyone felt the OP needed to be as brutally honest as he was, everyone was otherwise in agreement that, as it was clear to the OP that there was no future, there was no point in prolonging what proved to be an uncomfortable evening for everyone:
"Oh!"
"Before we order dessert, I just need you to notarize your credit score, provide three personal references from your exes, and sign this NDA so you don't accidentally tell me your childhood dreams."
"NTA."
"I'm a little shocked she didn't ask you to pee in a cup before you even sat down at the table."
"Yeah, asking questions about salary on a first date?'
"With a 25 year old no less?"
"Seems pretty outside the bounds of polite behavior."- Travelerman310
"She is 29 and freaking the f*ck out."
"She thinks she is being efficient, and not wasting time, but in reality she has zero clue how to connect."- Janus9
"Don’t feel bad- that sounds absolutely awful."- 1justhavinfun
"Not the asshole at all!"
"This happened to me as well."
"I’m 35f and the entire first date, it was like the guy was interviewing me for a position i did not even want (mother of his unborn children)."
"He proceeded to tell me that if the relationship was successful, i should expect to have babies within the year because I didn’t have much time left."
"This is coming from a 40 year old man who was 'in between jobs' aka unemployed (I only found out during the date)."
"He and your date should get together!"- roastyhojichalatte
"NTA."
"I am a woman, and that was a job interview for a husband position for a stay at home mom/wife. NTA by a long shot."
"This was the first date?"
'She is desperately seeking a mate."- bibkel
"NTA."
"You did her a favor by being honest."
"The laughing was too much, but she needed to hear it because she will drive people away acting like that."- stallion8426
"When I read the title I thought you would have been the AH."
"Dates are meant to ask intentional questions to see if the relationship could ever go anywhere."
"For example, I think it should be normal to discuss potential kid timeline etc."
"That being said, I completely agree with you."
'Asking salary on first date is very rude and I draw the line there.'
"NTA."- EmuIcy3228
"NTA."
"But, to her credit... sounds like she wasn't on her phone/filming the whole time... which, you know... not bad!"- JackJeckyl
"She was way overboard but tbf, you're a guy almost fresh out of college dating a girl whose trying to have kids and a husband."
"Clearly she is just looking for a husband while you're looking for something more chill."- Chance-Click-3670
"NTA."
"But next time before it gets bad… jokingly say, what is this a job interview?"
"Let’s lighten up, what was your favorite cartoon as a kid?"
"Or something light fun & silly."
"You can try to lead the conversation to a better place."- howtobegeo
"If this were a Nora Ephron movie, you two would be getting married in five years or so, after bumping into each other at an art gallery or Starbucks."- Main-Assumption7554
"First dates are meant to vibe checks were you talk about your hobbies, what you do for work (or were you study etc), you don't talk about really personal stuff."
"She may not have intended to come off as rude but sometimes people need a reality check."
"You being honest may in fact be exactly what she needed to hear in order for her to correct her behavior moving forward for the next guy she meets."
"NTA and the fact that you feel bad over hurting her feelings proves to me at least that you're a good dude."
"You have your standards and you made them clear. "- ThatEntrepreneur1450
"NTA."
"I have been on this very date OP."
"It was immensely uncomfortable and quite impersonal."
"I didn't leave mid date but I also wasn't grilled quite to the same degree you were."
"It didn't leave me with the highest opinion of accountants."
"Lol."
"I think it's fair to ask questions about careers or life directions, priorities in life or that stuff, even financial situations if it's handled with some tact and basic respect."
"I don't think it's unreasonable to want a date that isn't treating you like a checklist."- Beyryx
"I think you were correct to be upset, and actually she should be rebuked."
"This attitude is so far from expectations that it needs to be made clear prior to the date."- fluffykitten55
"She shouldn't be asking salary on a first date."
"Maybe you were a bit crass about it but that's it."- CivilChaos
"29F?"
"She’s interviewing for a baby."
"NTA."- MaresATX
"Anytime someone asks how much money you make your reply should be 'that is an inappropriate question' then silence."
"We all need to stop answering inappropriate questions in order to be polite."- TheWorldofScience
Bottom line is, the OP simply wanted to get his toes wet again, while this date seemed determined to find her future spouse.
Pretty much making this date dead in the water before it even began.
Even so, regardless of one's age or gender, the questions the OP's date kept asking him seldom result in a second date.
Something she now might hopefully be well aware of ahead of her next "first date"...
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.