Anyone who has spent time on the dating scene has inevitably had a failed first date. From awkward conversations to inappropriate behavior, all kinds of things can happen that turn the date into a fail.
But it’s becoming increasingly common for people to “test” their potential partner’s, based on social media trends that test people’s social reactions, patience, and more, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor thaigoodlife went on a first date, only to realize that he was likely being tested when his date stated she hadn’t even left her house yet… ten minutes after the date was supposed to start.
When he finished his coffee, his potential date lashed out at him for not waiting for her, making it clear to the Original Poster (OP) that this particular relationship wasn’t going to work.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for dumping my date?”
The OP’s date was very late for their first date together.
“I had a first date scheduled with a woman I met on a dating site. We agreed to meet for coffee at 2:00 PM. I arrived on time.”
“At 2:10, she texted me and asked if I was at the cafe. I said yes, and she said she was at home but would leave soon and be there in 20 minutes. Basically, her text implied she was waiting to make sure I was there before she bothered to leave home.”
“I was put off. I took the risk she wouldn’t show up and came on time. She should have to. Am I wrong?”
The OP decided the date wasn’t worth waiting for.
“I finished my coffee and left at 2:30. She still wasn’t there.”
“I kind of wanted to find out if she actually went to the cafe or if she was actually standing me up.”
“So I waited until she confirmed she arrived safely at the cafe and I got the entertainment value of knowing she was sitting there by herself before I blocked her. I can be petty too when the situation calls for it, lol (laughing out loud).”
“At 2:45, I got a text from her wanting to know where I was. I said, ‘I finished my coffee and left at 2:30 when you still weren’t there as promised.'”
“She sent a series of nasty texts, telling me how awful I was and how I did everything wrong. I should have texted her and told her I was leaving, etc.”
The OP was surprised at the woman’s reaction.
“AITAH? Do women really expect men to sit and wait 45 minutes for them to arrive late, when the only reason they are late is to make you wait?”
“It sure seemed like it was a game or sh*t test. Either way, she failed my tests.”
“I’d sure like to hear from the women on this one.”
“AITAH?”
The OP also offered a few quick clarifications in the comments.
“For those asking why I didn’t leave right away, I had already ordered a cup of coffee. I love coffee and didn’t see the sense in letting it go to waste.”
“When she texted at 2:10 and said she was still at home, I pretty much decided to leave when I finished my coffee, whether or not she was there. I just don’t get what she was trying to do or what she was expecting me to do.”
“She’s 33 years old. I wonder if she’s done this before and what she expects to gain from it. It’s just juvenile. Do other men really put up with it is the other question.”
“I just don’t understand what the point of her game was. I’d still like to understand. It’s such a major red flag. It was definitely not a subtle or sophisticated game. It really blew up on her.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his date was way out of line, no matter her motivations.
“I am a woman… she was out of line to think anyone would wait over 15 minutes for her.”
“If her car broke down or had another emergency, that would be understandable, but this is just plain rude. NTA.” – Far-Juggernaut8880
“Yeah, as a woman, I am absolutely disgusted by this behavior. If she doesn’t have respect for your time, why would you put any effort into waiting for her?”
“NTA.” – geekylace
“NTA. You were very gracious to stay as long as you did. You were on time. She deliberately wasted your time. Hold your head high. The fault is all with her.”
“By the way, I am a woman.” – imnotk8
“NTA. No, women don’t expect this. Entitled people do. It was very considerate of you to wait at all after what she pulled.” – dreamsinred
“NTA.”
“I’m a woman and I would have left too. F**k that noise. People who are chronically late are selfish because they think no one else’s time matters.”
“Now, if she had had a legitimate reason, like her car broke down, an accident, family emergency, that would be different. But she clearly thinks her time is more precious than anyone else’s.” – Caspian4136
“From a woman’s perspective, you’re NTA. She was extremely inconsiderate of your time, if she had said there was some kind of emergency that’s different. Just leaving you hanging like that isn’t right. I hope you enjoyed your cup of coffee even if you didn’t get the date you thought you were.” – FoxyLocksy1704
Others agreed and stated that the date clearly wasn’t worth the OP’s time.
“I did something similar to a guy once because he had shown up at least 20 minutes late to our two previous dates with no excuse (yeah, I know, I should have ended it when it happened the first time, but I was 19 and desperate to get a boyfriend).”
“I definitely didn’t make him wait 45 minutes, but I waited to head to the date until he asked where I was. He actually wasn’t mad about it at all, which demonstrates he didn’t see anything wrong with him doing it to me.”
“We didn’t date for very long, he ended things with me right before our next date (I was such an id**t) because he made things exclusive with another girl he was seeing, then tried to hook up with me a few months later when she was out of town during spring break.”
“Some people are just not worth your time. Kudos to you op for not letting her get away with this behavior.” – lowkeydeadinside
“She would have been at least 45 minutes late for your scheduled meet and greet. That’s a sh*tty first impression. I don’t blame you one bit.”
“As a woman, I don’t expect ANY guy to sit around for 45 minutes waiting for my princess ass to show up. Especially since it was the first date!”
“I don’t blame you for leaving and getting on with the day. I mean she’s not the f**king queen of Sheba. NTA.” – Due_Temperature6603
“NTA, OP. I would have said, ‘Hey, no worries. I’ll be gone by the time you get here, so don’t bother.’ Then, I’d follow up later with a, ‘Is this your standard approach to coffee dates’ query.” – BodaciousVermin
“NTA and consider this a bullet dodged. She’s playing bulls**t games before even the first date.”
“And even if she wasn’t ‘playing games’ (which she likely was) she set a precedent of being terrible with time. what a bad first impression. OP, NTA.” – JosKarith
“I want to make it very clear that this is not a gender issue, it’s an a**hole issue. It can come from any gender.”
“You absolutely made the right call to leave. She started things off with a power play just to see if she could. And oh, boy, is she mad that you didn’t let her walk all over you.”
“F**k people like this. I’m a woman and I can not stand it when people don’t respect my time. It’s a massive peeve of mine when people are late. It’s even worse when they’re deliberately late, like she was.”
“You actually had more patience than I would have. NTA.” – I_Dont_Take_Rice
“NTA, and you saved yourself a lot of time. I’m guessing she wanted to see how much you would put up with… and you answered that question. She’s looking for the kind of guy who will let her waste his time, and fortunately, that’s not you.” – ambystromboli
“NTA. This woman was a triple AH. First, she not only was not there on time, she called you 10 minutes late, when she was still presumably 20 minutes away. That was rude.”
“Secondly, she didn’t even make the second deadline – she was 15 minutes after the time she said.”
“And finally, she blamed you for not being a doormat.”
“Well, now you know: You are not a doormat; this woman expects a doormat; you want nothing to do with her. You should have blocked her after the first nasty text.” – DawnShakhar
“NTA. You dodged a bullet. First, she texted 10 minutes late asking if you were there, so yeah, it sounds like a test. But when I’ve been ‘tested’ like that (still a bullshit thing to do) the person was within a minute away, she was still at her house.”
“Even then she showed up 15 minutes PAST her new delayed time. Yeah, I’m glad that you didn’t stay. In the end, she was 45 minutes late without excuse, and instead of apologizing she blasted you for it.”
“You definitely dodged a bullet there, man!” – AtomicBlastCandy
As far as first-date disasters go, this was really tame, and it was clear that the OP wasn’t wrong for leaving the date when his time wasn’t being respected.
Even though his date was angry with him for not waiting for her, it was clear either her time management was terrible, or she had little respect for other people’s time, neither quality of which most people would want to take into a relationship.