Anyone who has spent time on the dating scene has inevitably had a failed first date. From awkward conversations to inappropriate behavior, all kinds of things can happen that turn the date into a fail.
But it's becoming increasingly common for people to "test" their potential partner's, based on social media trends that test people's social reactions, patience, and more, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor thaigoodlife went on a first date, only to realize that he was likely being tested when his date stated she hadn't even left her house yet... ten minutes after the date was supposed to start.
When he finished his coffee, his potential date lashed out at him for not waiting for her, making it clear to the Original Poster (OP) that this particular relationship wasn't going to work.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for dumping my date?"
The OP's date was very late for their first date together.
"I had a first date scheduled with a woman I met on a dating site. We agreed to meet for coffee at 2:00 PM. I arrived on time."
"At 2:10, she texted me and asked if I was at the cafe. I said yes, and she said she was at home but would leave soon and be there in 20 minutes. Basically, her text implied she was waiting to make sure I was there before she bothered to leave home."
"I was put off. I took the risk she wouldn't show up and came on time. She should have to. Am I wrong?"
The OP decided the date wasn't worth waiting for.
"I finished my coffee and left at 2:30. She still wasn't there."
"I kind of wanted to find out if she actually went to the cafe or if she was actually standing me up."
"So I waited until she confirmed she arrived safely at the cafe and I got the entertainment value of knowing she was sitting there by herself before I blocked her. I can be petty too when the situation calls for it, lol (laughing out loud)."
"At 2:45, I got a text from her wanting to know where I was. I said, 'I finished my coffee and left at 2:30 when you still weren't there as promised.'"
"She sent a series of nasty texts, telling me how awful I was and how I did everything wrong. I should have texted her and told her I was leaving, etc."
The OP was surprised at the woman's reaction.
"AITAH? Do women really expect men to sit and wait 45 minutes for them to arrive late, when the only reason they are late is to make you wait?"
"It sure seemed like it was a game or sh*t test. Either way, she failed my tests."
"I'd sure like to hear from the women on this one."
"AITAH?"
The OP also offered a few quick clarifications in the comments.
"For those asking why I didn't leave right away, I had already ordered a cup of coffee. I love coffee and didn't see the sense in letting it go to waste."
"When she texted at 2:10 and said she was still at home, I pretty much decided to leave when I finished my coffee, whether or not she was there. I just don't get what she was trying to do or what she was expecting me to do."
"She's 33 years old. I wonder if she's done this before and what she expects to gain from it. It's just juvenile. Do other men really put up with it is the other question."
"I just don't understand what the point of her game was. I'd still like to understand. It's such a major red flag. It was definitely not a subtle or sophisticated game. It really blew up on her."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his date was way out of line, no matter her motivations.
"I am a woman… she was out of line to think anyone would wait over 15 minutes for her."
"If her car broke down or had another emergency, that would be understandable, but this is just plain rude. NTA." - Far-Juggernaut8880
"Yeah, as a woman, I am absolutely disgusted by this behavior. If she doesn't have respect for your time, why would you put any effort into waiting for her?"
"NTA." - geekylace
"NTA. You were very gracious to stay as long as you did. You were on time. She deliberately wasted your time. Hold your head high. The fault is all with her."
"By the way, I am a woman." - imnotk8
"NTA. No, women don't expect this. Entitled people do. It was very considerate of you to wait at all after what she pulled." - dreamsinred
"NTA."
"I'm a woman and I would have left too. F**k that noise. People who are chronically late are selfish because they think no one else's time matters."
"Now, if she had had a legitimate reason, like her car broke down, an accident, family emergency, that would be different. But she clearly thinks her time is more precious than anyone else's." - Caspian4136
"From a woman's perspective, you're NTA. She was extremely inconsiderate of your time, if she had said there was some kind of emergency that's different. Just leaving you hanging like that isn't right. I hope you enjoyed your cup of coffee even if you didn't get the date you thought you were." - FoxyLocksy1704
Others agreed and stated that the date clearly wasn't worth the OP's time.
"I did something similar to a guy once because he had shown up at least 20 minutes late to our two previous dates with no excuse (yeah, I know, I should have ended it when it happened the first time, but I was 19 and desperate to get a boyfriend)."
"I definitely didn't make him wait 45 minutes, but I waited to head to the date until he asked where I was. He actually wasn't mad about it at all, which demonstrates he didn't see anything wrong with him doing it to me."
"We didn't date for very long, he ended things with me right before our next date (I was such an id**t) because he made things exclusive with another girl he was seeing, then tried to hook up with me a few months later when she was out of town during spring break."
"Some people are just not worth your time. Kudos to you op for not letting her get away with this behavior." - lowkeydeadinside
"She would have been at least 45 minutes late for your scheduled meet and greet. That's a sh*tty first impression. I don't blame you one bit."
"As a woman, I don't expect ANY guy to sit around for 45 minutes waiting for my princess ass to show up. Especially since it was the first date!"
"I don't blame you for leaving and getting on with the day. I mean she's not the f**king queen of Sheba. NTA." - Due_Temperature6603
"NTA, OP. I would have said, 'Hey, no worries. I'll be gone by the time you get here, so don't bother.' Then, I'd follow up later with a, 'Is this your standard approach to coffee dates' query." - BodaciousVermin
"NTA and consider this a bullet dodged. She's playing bulls**t games before even the first date."
"And even if she wasn't 'playing games' (which she likely was) she set a precedent of being terrible with time. what a bad first impression. OP, NTA." - JosKarith
"I want to make it very clear that this is not a gender issue, it's an a**hole issue. It can come from any gender."
"You absolutely made the right call to leave. She started things off with a power play just to see if she could. And oh, boy, is she mad that you didn't let her walk all over you."
"F**k people like this. I'm a woman and I can not stand it when people don't respect my time. It's a massive peeve of mine when people are late. It's even worse when they're deliberately late, like she was."
"You actually had more patience than I would have. NTA." - I_Dont_Take_Rice
"NTA, and you saved yourself a lot of time. I'm guessing she wanted to see how much you would put up with… and you answered that question. She's looking for the kind of guy who will let her waste his time, and fortunately, that's not you." - ambystromboli
"NTA. This woman was a triple AH. First, she not only was not there on time, she called you 10 minutes late, when she was still presumably 20 minutes away. That was rude."
"Secondly, she didn't even make the second deadline - she was 15 minutes after the time she said."
"And finally, she blamed you for not being a doormat."
"Well, now you know: You are not a doormat; this woman expects a doormat; you want nothing to do with her. You should have blocked her after the first nasty text." - DawnShakhar
"NTA. You dodged a bullet. First, she texted 10 minutes late asking if you were there, so yeah, it sounds like a test. But when I've been 'tested' like that (still a bullshit thing to do) the person was within a minute away, she was still at her house."
"Even then she showed up 15 minutes PAST her new delayed time. Yeah, I'm glad that you didn't stay. In the end, she was 45 minutes late without excuse, and instead of apologizing she blasted you for it."
"You definitely dodged a bullet there, man!" - AtomicBlastCandy
As far as first-date disasters go, this was really tame, and it was clear that the OP wasn't wrong for leaving the date when his time wasn't being respected.
Even though his date was angry with him for not waiting for her, it was clear either her time management was terrible, or she had little respect for other people's time, neither quality of which most people would want to take into a relationship.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.