Allowing outsiders access to your home requires trust. When that trust is broken, it's very difficult to get back.
A spouse turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after their mother-in-law destroyed their trust.
Much-Clothes-7999 asked:
"AITA for asking my husband to tell his mother she's no longer allowed in our house unsupervised?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My mother-in-law has a long history of crossing boundaries in my home. Examples include opening my mail/packages when I’m not there, rearranging my garage without asking, and moving around my makeup, skincare, and kitchen items while she’s visiting."
"She usually does these things when I’m not home. For context, this is not something my own parents do, and we’ve never set an expectation that family members can just do whatever they want in our house."
Last Christmas, my husband gave her money to take our two young sons shopping so they could pick out gifts for us. She helped my youngest son choose a dish drying rack/drying mat for me."
"So while she was involved in picking it out, it was paid for with my husband’s money and given to me as a gift from my son. For comparison, the actual gift she personally gave me was an old bag of potpourri and a ChapStick."
"Recently, she was at our house watching the kids while I was at work and my husband was out. When I got home, I noticed things in the pantry had been moved."
"Then I realized the dish drying rack/mat was gone. I had seen it earlier that day, so I knew it had been there."
"I asked my kids and my husband if they moved it. No one knew anything about it. At that point I strongly suspected my MIL, because she has taken gifts back from people before."
"My husband texted her and asked if she took it. She admitted she did, saying we 'don’t use it enough,' so she took it with her."
"I was shocked and angry. To me, this is stealing something from my house because she decided I didn’t deserve to keep my own property. My husband thinks I should just let it go and sweep it under the rug."
"I wouldn't ever not say something to a family member on my side if they did the same thing. I'm very quick to set boundaries with my own parents and extended family, or analyze and apologize to my husband if I find out after the fact.
"At the end of the day, I try my best to correct them when I feel like they overstepped. Even if that's a brief chat."
"I told him this is a serious boundary issue and I don’t trust her in our home anymore. I requested she no longer be alone in our house unsupervised, but my husband thinks that what she did wasn't 'stealing' and I'm making a big deal over nothing."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"Requesting my MIL not be allowed alone in our home. My husband thinks I'm overreacting and that I'm making an unreasonable suggestion out of spite for his mother."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Your husband is an a** and covering for his stealing mother. You are not overreacting and if anything you might be under reacting. This is a hill to die on."
"Don't suggest she not come over on her own. Demand it. She has zero reason to be in your house without one of you there. NTA, but they sure are." ~ Puzzleheaded-Fly7632
"He should be shown this thread by the author to show what an utter failure he is as a husband and a man." ~ Scenarioing
"Girl, I had that issue with my MIL. Fortunately, I had a key to her house so I rearranged a f*ck ton of her stuff, kitchen utensils in her panty drawer, panties in the pantry, pillows in the dryer, and all the decor rearranged."
"Didn't work the first time, but it did the 2nd time when I left her microwave in the shower. Never had another issue. And never said a word." ~ pogostix615
"My MIL didn’t stop either until I gave her back her own medicine. She was very passive aggressive, so I turned to the same, only I kicked it up a notch. That shut her up at least. She still hates my guts, but quietly now, which I accept." ~ dangerrnoodle
"NTA, obviously it was stealing, but it's actually worse than that. She was punishing you. She's using bullying tactics. The gift was a bullying tactic. Taking it away is that too."
"She can't be trusted not to mess with your things. If you don't give her attention over this (consquences) she will escalate."
"This woman cannot be trusted. Your husband has proven he also can't be trusted to decide for you who can be trusted in your house and with your children." ~ ViolaVetch75
"As bad as her taking the drying rack was, her earlier issues would be much worse to me. Opening my mail? Snooping through my things?"
"Why was this woman ever allowed alone in your home again? I would have given her a tongue lashing she wouldn’t have forgotten." ~ Traveler691
"I know it's common in cases like this for people to say 'You don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem,' but in this case, I'm sorry to say you have both a MIL problem (she's a utter horror) and a husband problem (he cares more about her feelings than yours, or about basic sanity and decency)."
"NTA, but you have a bad situation to deal with. I wish you luck." ~ kmactane
"And the worst part is that the 'husband problem' is exactly what allows the 'MIL problem' to thrive. She wouldn't be nearly this audacious if she didn't know her son was fully prepared to act as her personal meat shield." ~ KeyYellow822
"I am still trying to understand the mental gymnastics behind the MIL 'taking back,' a gift that OP's son bought for OP with hers/her husband's money. Because she supervised or encouraged said sh*tty gift giving to make OP feel small, that makes it ok for her to decide to steal it?"
"Because that's 100% what that was—you can't take back something you a) never owned nor b) paid for in the first place. OP's husband is a spineless tool and his mom is a nightmare and a thief."
"NTA, but you absolutely will be if you don't make a stand on this now, OP. Otherwise, I foresee yourself enduring a miserable future dealing with crap like this and being pressured into accepting it." ~ scloutier351
"While it's true they are both massive problems, the husband is actually the primary danger here. The MIL is an external, known threat that OP can just block. The husband, however, is the Trojan horse literally unlocking the gates from the inside." ~ Agreeable-Bowler4131
"Sounds like your dad needs to come over and take some of your husband’s stuff since it isn’t a big deal." ~ Forward_Role5334
"NTA. He'd be humming a different tune if it were your parents and his things. Perhaps he needs a reminder of roles being reversed." ~ MsFoxArt
"Yeah, she should ask her parents over and then tell them they're welcome to take anything of her husband's that they want. Watch his reaction then!"
"Then remind him that was the boundary he himself set." ~ sidaemon
"NTA Your husband is in denial, because what she did was literally stealing. Just because your MIL rationalized away stealing it by telling herself that you 'don't use it enough' doesn't mean that it was okay to take it."
"Once a gift is given it is no longer the giver's, and she only helped pick it out anyway. She has no claim to it."
"More broadly, I would tell your husband that he needs to recognize that there is properly a separation once an adult child gets married. The couple becomes a new family unit. His mother is no longer able to treat him and his things as an extension of her and her things."
"He is no longer a minor. His home is no longer her home. She can't come into the house and take things or rearrange them to her preferences. He needs to get that separation into his head, as does she."
"His mother is not the woman of your marital home—you are. She has that position in her home. This is how respectful relationships are maintained."
"If he refuses to be on your side on these issues there will be conflict. It is as simple as that." ~ kurokomainu
The OP added a minor update:
"I am conflict avoidant, so I'm not blameless here. And far, far from perfect."
"But it is true that we teach people how to treat us, and now I'm realizing that speaking up sooner could have prevented this."
"I'm going to take that as a bigger lesson here!"
The OP deserves to feel secure in their own home. Having a thieving mother-in-law and a husband that enables it isn't going to provide that.
