Some people go to great lengths to give their loved ones gifts that are truly personal.
Something that they know will have special meaning to them for the rest of their lives.
Others don't put quite as much thought or effort into gift-giving and give them something that isn't exactly meaningful, but they know they will like, or at least find useful.
Either way, giving someone a gift is always appreciated, as it shows that you are thinking of them.
Redditor Adorable_Machine_571 wasn't quite sure their mother-in-law (MIL) was thinking of them when she gave them Christmas presents.
As she recently contacted the original poster (OP) and their family, expressing her hope that they might use their presents on her.
Something the OP wasn't remotely interested in doing.
Wondering if they were out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not using gift cards on person who gifted them?"
The OP explained why they were a bit taken aback by a recent invitation from their MIL:
"My MIL gave us and our kids gift cards for the Dec holidays - mainly restaurants for smaller $ amounts between $25 and $50."
"The other day she texts my husband and I saying, 'shall we go out today and use one of the gift cards?'"
"Confused, I said, 'what gift cards do you have?'"
"She replied the ones she gave us, and she didnt have them with her since I took them all with me."
"I replied that I didnt know I wasn't supposed to take them with me...as they're a gift."
"She still insists that whenever we use them, we take her with us."
"I think it's ridiculous, and my husband has stayed quiet."
"I've been LC with her for about a year, so with the amounts barely covering one person if we went out, it's likely a way to force her way into still seeing us."
"AITA For wanting to use the gift cards and not have stipulations tied to them?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that they were not the a**hole for refusing to use their gift card on their MIL.
Everyone agreed that if, as the OP's MIL gave those gift cards as a gift, then the OP had the right to use them however they wanted, which did not have to be on her. Many others were surprised and disappointed by the lack of support from the OP's husband:
"NTA but the true problem here is: 'My husband stays silent'."
"Yeah, that bs would not fly with me."- LadyWiezeI
"NTA."
"Your MIL is a master manipulator."
"She didn't give you gifts, she gave you obligations."
"Just tell her you used them already."
"AND point out that next time she should not give 'gifts' that come with expectations."
"That's not a gift."- ADK7107
"NTA."
"Your MIL is manipulative, and that is tacky."
"Your husband needs to deal with her, and I would just block her at this point."- friendlily
"Wow."
"Just…wow."
"NTA."
"This is an entitled and ridiculous expectation."
"A GIFT does not come with stipulations."
"That's not how they work."- ContentHermit_13
"NTA."
"Your MIL has no class."- ZZ9ZA
"Lol NTA."
"Imagine if every gift came with her logic."
"If she got you a TV for Christmas, she'd have to be at your house whenever you watch it."
"A gift is a gift, and when you give something in that context, you have no control over how the recipient can use it."- Far_Quantity_6133
"NTA."
"Tell her you've already spent them."- Living-Ear8015
"NTA."
"I wouldn't even be tactful."
"Just send them back to her."
"I just have a massive issue with people dictating how gifted money is spent."- No_No_Juice
"NTA."
"But props to MIL for being so devious - what an interesting way to insist on more contact."
"If you're in the position to return the adult ones - go for it."
"Get the kids to spend theirs ASAP on the things they want."
"Then be done."- MsAsphyxia
"NTA."
"Gifts are gifts, they do not come with an obligation."
"Refuse any further gift cards from her."- ErisianSaint
"NTA."
"'Oh gosh I'm so sorry, I was confused. I thought you gave us gifts to treat ourselves with. I didn't realize they were for you. It seemed like they were gifts. How about I pay you for them since we took them and used them?'"
"I'm mean and petty."
"You could also do the better option and say you already used them without the snark."
"Depends on if your family wants her around or not, and that's a convo for you and your husband, not reddit."- Fatt3stAveng3r
"NTA."
"A gift card is, by definition, a gift."
"A gift is given without expectation of anything in return."
"The cards are for you and your kids to use as they wish."
"She does not get to dictate what they use it for, or that she be included."- alien_overlord_1001
"NTA."
"And I am petty and would probably point out to her that the gift card is only enough to barely, maybe cover one person."
"So ask her if the gift was intended to cost you money?"- laneykaye65
"NTA."
"Manipulative BS for sure."
"I have a parent like this (example: bought me a gift card for a restaurant right near her house even though I live two states away and rarely visit)."
"The people suggesting to say you used them are wrong."
"The right answer is to return them to her, saying I'm sorry I thought these were gifts."
"You might even add 'these aren't really restaurants that we go to anyway. Sounds like you might be able to use them though!'"
"Do it with a pleasant tone, no sarcasm."
"She'll try to give them back to you or say 'they were for us to use together!'"
"Stay firm and kindly say 'no, I think you'll be able to use them much more than we will'."
"You don't want to be in her 'debt'," either by keeping these cards or by implying that you used them already."- PointlessDiscourse
"NTA."
"Seems like something my insane mom would do if she weren't so cheap and we weren't long NC."
"You've got the right idea, being LC."
"Don't let her dictate your life."- Melonfarmer86
"NTA."
"Hand them to husband and let him decide what to do about it."
"If MIL calls you again, refer her to her son."- bumknee3
"NTA, there is a right way to give a gift that's meant for the gifter to spend time with the giftee."
"She didn't communicate that it was meant for your family to spend time with her when she gave the gift and gifts should never be obligations."- Mushroomvenom
"NTA."
"That's so manipulative."
"Just tell her the kids already spent them, as they were gifts and not a down payment for a lunch date."- Suitable_cataclysm
"NTA."
"'Oh, sorry, we already used them!'"
"If her goal was to take you out to dinner, the way to do that would've been with a card that says something like 'Merry Christmas! For your present this year, I'm going to take you all out to a restaurant of your choice. Pick a day that works for you, and we'll make it happen!'"
"Or that says she'll take you all to a specific restaurant she knows you either really like or really want to try but can't go to often."
"Certainly not to give you a gift card that won't cover dinner for everyone!"- 7Mars
"NTA."
"I would have your husband give them back to her and then go super LC."- doncroak
"If she wanted to join you each time you used the gift cards that should have been explained as part of the gift, because with that knowledge you could decide how you want to respond."
"She can't add stipulations to a gift from last month."
"Personally, I'd be tempted to give them back and agree not to exchange gifts in the future."
"NTA."- CaliforniaJade
"NTA, that's bizarre."
"I have a similar but also opposite situation."
"My grandma never lets me pay when we go out and will cry if I sneak it lmao, so I buy her gift cards."
"She also refuses to use the gift cards I buy her without me."
"It's my way of trying to pay for at least some dinners, but I'd never insist she use them with me."-
master0fcats
It would be pretty sad indeed if the OP's MIL only gave them the gift cards as a way of spending time with them.
A grandmother never needs a reason to want to see her children and grandchildren.
But you can't help but feel that giving someone a gift card to use herself was a bit counterintuitive.
Who is really being treated in that scenario?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp