Decorating a house can be a very personal experience for some people.
A house can be looked at as someone's calling card to the world when it visits.
So a lot of people aren't too keen on having people come into their home and just change things at will.
What is meant to be a nice gesture can be interpreted as a violation and disrespect.
Redditor Zealousideal_You6901 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for getting upset with my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] for redecorating and organising my house when I was on holidays?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"We had only just moved in, and we went on holiday."
"While away, my I[n]-L[aws] were checking on the house, turning on lights, etc."
"When we got back, my MIL had redecorated my house, curtains, furniture, added furniture and ornaments, even bought new bedclothes."
"I got really angry."
"I felt like it was an invasion of my privacy or a dig at my own housekeeping style."
"I got upset, and my partner told his dad."
"His mother was furious, and she got upset too."
"I ended up feeling bad and apologizing, but the damage was done."
"She hasn't been the same since."
"But I still think I was right and she crossed a line."WA
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"So... basically, MIL used this opportunity to paw through EVERYTHING you own, using redecorating-as-a-gift for an excuse."
"That about sums it up?"
"NTA. I would feel so violated.
"Hopefully, she didn't go so far as to throw out what she replaced." ~ IamIrene
"NTA. You shouldn't have apologized or tried to appease her."
"What she did was definitely stepping over the line, and your partner made it worse."
"Make them deal with their parents and take your key back from them." ~ ThatsItImOverThis
"Yup. She owes OP an apology, and the fact that she threw such a fit that OP was made to feel like she had to apologize for this woman coming into her home and redecorating it without the homeowners' consent is very telling."
"Your MIL should be embarrassed at her bloody nerve, and should be absolutely grovelling for overstepping."
"But also, this should have been taken up with her immediately, not your partner complaining to his dad."
"When someone does something that upsets you, be an adult and say so to them." ~ Sorry_I_Guess
"NTA. This is a huge overstep on your MIL's part."
"Your home is your personal space and should be a reflection of your personality, not somebody else's."
"You are, however, an AH for apologising as you've just given your MIL a green light to stomp on your personal boundaries again." ~ OnlymyOP
"Don't get mad, get even."
"When you go to her house, change all her bed linens, remove the ornaments, clean her fridge (chuck out all the food you don't like and are near their use-by date), and rearrange her kitchen."
"After all, why would she get mad? NTAH." ~ KnickKnockers
"NTA and you NEVER should have apologised!!"
"You are going to have some serious problems going forward if you don't fix your people-pleasing ways and learn to stand up for yourself."
"What's next, she cries about what you want to name your kid until she gets to decide?" ~ imjustapersontoo
"You should not have apologized."
"She now knows that you will give in every time."
"Pack everything up and put it out for garbage collection."
"If you want, you can let her know about 8 or 9 pm the night before garbage collection that she can pick up the stuff, or it will be hauled away."
"Buy yourself a few timers and a few lamps and lights will turn off and on for you."
"Also, get the locks changed."
"I would not bother asking for the key back since they probably made a copy."
"Hope your husband is standing up for you and not asking to keep the peace."
"If so, you have a husband problem." ~ MontanAngel
"NTA, you never should have apologized because you were completely right."
"I think it's time to take down everything she did and decorate your house the way you want it to look."
"Who cares if she's mad she overstepped, and now it sounds like she's using emotional blackmail to make you feel bad about yourself when you shouldn't." ~ keesouth
"Why did you apologize?"
"I loved my MIL (she's passed), but I would have been furious if she had redecorated without asking, and we asked her opinion on decorating all the time since she was so good at it!"
"Your MIL was out of line, and why doesn't your hubby have your back on this?"
"Clearly, you're NTA." ~ HorseygirlWH
"NTA, but please stop apologizing."
"What your MIL was overstepping in a major way."
"It's one thing to say, 'Hey, I bought a plant for your house,' but buying everything new literally is insane."
"Change the locks to your doors and set some hard boundaries."
"If she was really compelled to help you out, she could have offered to take you shopping." ~ SnooSprouts6437
"NTA. Why would you apologize?"
"MIL took over your space and made significant changes to a home that wasn't hers."
"That's a massive overstep, and something that I wouldn't let someone house sit again over."
"I have some deeply sentimental pieces of furniture/decorations, because they're from my family - some of whom are no longer alive."
"If someone significantly changed or got rid of those in the name of redecorating, I'd be heartbroken."
"I'm not saying that's the case here, but your MIL didn't know that wasn't the case for you because she didn't ask."
"She showed you and your home massive disrespect here." ~ AromaticScientist862
"NTA. She massively overstepped and shouldn't be allowed in your house unattended again."
"She owes you an apology and whatever it costs to move her sh*t back out." ~ C_Majuscula
"NTA. But you shouldn't have apologized."
"My MIL reorganised my kitchen whilst I was giving birth to my 2nd."
"My husband stood there until she put it all back."
"My own mother doesn't have a key to my house, as 2 days before my wedding, she was due to let in a window cleaner and took it upon herself to trim all the bushes and dump mountains of crap on the lawn."
"Where I was planning to have photos and BBQ the day after."
"So with freshly manicured nails, no garden bin or side gate, we had to drag all the sh*t through the house to take to the dump."
"I was livid and could have killed her over the guerrilla gardening."
"What does your husband think?"
"Return the unwanted items."
"This is your home, not hers."
"You can buy a timer switch, you know..." ~ ramapyjamadingdong
"This woman has overstepped and then some."
"Your only mistake was to apologize.
"She stomped a normal boundary."
Firstly, no more unsupervised access to your home."
"And really, you need to make a point of removing the additions and her decor ASAP."
"This is a power move."
"Your husband is also at fault here."
"He should have owned the issue- 'Mom, I am very uncomfortable that you redecorated our home while we were away without consulting us. We didn't want this.'"
"NTA." ~ Dogmother123
"NTA. You should NOT have apologized!"
"Why did you do that????"
"She did invade your privacy and change your belongings in YOUR house!"
"Take away their keys and insist they return everything to the way it was before."
"Why TF is SHE upset?"
"She knew exactly what she was doing and that it was wrong because she waited until you were out of town to do it!"
"Your partner needs to handle their mother and insist that things be put back, your belongings returned, get the key, and make it clear that this will never happen again."
"She cannot be trusted."
"How DARE she!" ~ 1RainbowUnicorn
"You never should have apologized."
"She violated your private home."
"I'm N[euro]d[ivergent], and I don't even let people in my room."
"If someone redecorated without my input and permission, despite the fact that I'm almost 40, I think it would trigger a full-blown anxiety meltdown of literal screaming, crying, and throwing up."
"Take everything out, have your partner return it to her, and have them tell her you appreciate that she wanted to help, but this was not the way to go about it."
"NTA." ~ Limerase
"NTA in-laws owe you an apology."
"I don't understand what would compel someone to redecorate a house without the owner asking... SMH."
"This was 100% an excuse to go through your stuff."
"How is the mother furious???"
"It's not her damn house." ~ One-Plenty-8588
"NTA. I'd have gone straight to a hotel and said I won't be coming back til everything goes back to the way it was."
"It's no longer your home... It's your MIL's."
"This is very much something your husband has to FORCE his mom to fix or risk it damaging or potentially ending his marriage."
"Not to mention, what if she threw out sentimental items?" ~ Riker_Omega_Three
Reddit is with you, OP.
This is outrageous behavior on your MIL's part.
People can't just redecorate other people's homes.
Who does that?
This situation may just continue to get worse before it gets better.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp