Once the elation of getting engaged settles, the particulars of the big day all start coming into play.
The who (wedding party, officiants, guests), the what (catering, flowers, outfits), the where (venue), and most importantly, the when.
Some people want a cost-effective wedding day and choose to get married in either the fall or late winter, while others are dead set on getting married on a day that holds special meaning to them.
No matter the date, however, chances are the chosen date won't work for everyone.
Redditor brotherrrrbutagirl recently became engaged.
In an effort to ensure all of their nearest and dearest were present at their wedding, the original poster (OP) and their fiancée actually surveyed their guests to find a date that worked for everyone.
After choosing a seemingly good date, one of the guests unexpectedly asked if they could change it.
Something neither the OP nor their fiancé was willing to do.
Wondering if they were wrong for feeling this way, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not changing my wedding date for one of my best friends?"
The OP explained why they weren't willing to change the date of their wedding for a friend:
"I got engaged in October and we’ve been planning our wedding for this October (for months now)."
"Before we picked a date, I reached out to my friends and asked for their schedules(as they also live far away)."
"They sent theirs, we picked a date that worked for everyone, and that was that."
"My friend got a message from her other friend recently asking for her schedule while simultaneously saying that they put a deposit down and their wedding date is the same day as mine."
"Why wouldn’t she check before putting a deposit down, idk, they were also planning for December, then it changed to October."
"My friend, of course, freaked out because she is the maid of honor in her other friend's wedding.'
"She told her friend, and her friend says, 'well are you in her wedding?'"
"She replied, 'No, because they’re not having a wedding party."
"Which already bothered me."
"My friend, now frazzled, is trying to figure out how to make this work, then she (my friend) asked me if we would change our wedding date."
"I was immediately shocked that she would even ask that."
"I told her I would have to talk to my fiancée."
"I talked to him later, and he says we’re absolutely not changing it, we booked first, and we already took their schedules into consideration and specifically planned around them."
"Now another friend of ours recently mentioned they have another event that day as well, and they’d like to try and make both (as they’re coming from far away)."
"What do I do?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to change their wedding date.
Everyone agreed that the OP should not need to change their wedding day for anyone, no matter the circumstances, especially for someone wanting to go to another wedding.
"NTA."
"Keep your wedding date."
"Not everyone you invite will come."
"Just plan your special day how you want."
"If they are able to celebrate with you, great."
"If not, it will still be a wonderful day!"- TheWorldTurnsAround
"I told her I would have to talk to my fiancée."
"There's your first mistake. "
"You sent the message it was up for negotiation when it clearly never was."
"What do you do?"
"Nothing."
"You picked the date."
"Stick with it."
'It's up to them if they want to prioritize showing up."
"NTA btw."- Beautiful_Arm8364
"NTA."
"I would never DREAM of asking someone to change their wedding date."
"If I cannot make it, I cannot make it."
'When you have conflicting commitments, you choose one, decline the other, and offer your best wishes."
'This is part of adult life."- RoyallyOakie
"You're NTA."
"That's an incredibly self-absorbed request for anyone to make."
"A terminally ill close family member would be the exception.. but not someone's social calendar."
"What do I do?"
"Have your wedding as planned and whoever makes it, makes it."- Dittoheadforever
"NTA."
"Get married on the date you chose."
"You'll know who your real friends are when they show up."
"All this hand-wringing that they're doing is unnecessary."
"If they committed to you first, say that to the second person."- Nuiwzgrrl1448
"NTA if you don't change the date."
"You have to decide if having these people there is a must or if you are okay with them not being at the wedding."
"I personally wouldn't change my date for people other than my parents or my #1 bff."
"I would suggest telling your friends that you truly want to be there on the actual date, well before the Save the Date."
"Compromise could be they come for a weekend for a wedding shower or bachelorette party."
"You'll still get the chance to celebrate your wedding with them and actually have time to spend with friends you don't see often."
"They may not come if you do change the date; they might be trying to be polite because they don't want to travel for your wedding."
'So I would take that into consideration before changing the date for them."- Adventurous_Holiday6
"NTA."
"Your friend is allowed to pick the other one, and you are allowed to keep your date."- actualchristmastree
"NTA."
"Your friends will have to choose whether they attend, and you’ll have to be okay with that."
"It’ll suck they’re not there, but you shouldn’t compromise when you already went through the trouble of working around their schedules (which you didn’t have to do to begin with!)."
"You move your date now, and more things will come up, and people will just complain you moved for one friend and why not them."- animeari
"NTA."
"Seems like you try very hard to be accommodating and thoughtful, which is a wonderful trait, but means sometimes people try to take advantage of it."
"They often don't mean ill by it, but they're not thinking or not being kind to you all the same."
"They're used to you being willing to change for everyone else without complaint."
"So when they have a conflict, they think the easiest thing is to ask you to change - they're used to you being the one who will and who will be the least upset."
"Tell them the request is not only unreasonable, but is outright hurtful because you proactively made an effort to be able to include them and they aren't giving you the same thought."
"If someone has a genuine emergency, then be kind about that, but for the things that they knew ahead of time... maybe take a look at how your friendship has been and if you need to adjust how much effort is appropriate."- unrepentantbanshee
"NTA."
"Literally all of your other guests have already planned on your wedding being the date you set to accommodate everyone!"
"The other bride kinda sucks to just change her date and not care for anyone else’s schedule.'
"That puts your friend in a tough spot."
"Maid of honor is an important role and far outweighs 'guest' imo."
"I know what I personally would choose; it would be the responsibility I committed to as maid of honor."
"I’m sorry."
"The other friend?"
"Idk if she can do both, but it should be the event booked first that has priority unless it’s literally her sisters/ close family's wedding, christening, baby shower kinda thing."
"Family has to come first in most cases."
"Keep your date and celebrate with those who can be there."
"Don't spoil your day thinking about those who can’t make it."
"People will get sick, travel will be a problem/ burden, etc."
"All sorts of issues will come up."
"You can’t rearrange everything to suit a couple of friends."
"Hope you have an amazing wedding!"- SufficientComedian6
"NTA - Stick with your original date."
"You made every reasonable effort to pick a date that would work for everyone."
"Unfortunately, your friend's friend did not."
"But that shouldn't be on you to accommodate her wedding."
"Here's the thing."
"No matter how much you plan or how much advance notice you give, not everyone will be able to make it."
"Sometimes people just have things that come up that they can't get out of."
"Even if they knew of your event in advance."
"That's life."
"If you change the date, I can almost guarantee you that it will cause a scheduling conflict with someone else."
"And if you changed it again, yet another person will have another conflict."
"So stick with your date."
"Accept that not everyone can make it."
"Don't be bitter about it."
"And have a great wedding!"- Spiritual_Promise735
It's truly amazing how wedding guests think they have any say in how a couple plans their wedding.
Asking someone to move their wedding so they can be in another is certainly a first.
Sadly, for that so-called friend, "first-come, first-serve..."
