It's widely understood that newborn babies have weaker immune systems than they will have when they're a little bit older. Because of this, it's important to expose them to fewer germs, permitting fewer guests and fewer excursions, in those early months.
A trip to Vegas would simply be out of the question, argued the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor BitAnxiousHDYK was pregnant, and when her brother moved his wedding date up, again, she was disappointed to realize that her baby would be a newborn at the time of the wedding.
But since it was also a destination wedding, involving a plane and going to Vegas, the Original Poster (OP) knew it was best for her baby if she declined to go.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for RSVPing 'no' to my brother's wedding?"
The OP's brother repeatedly changed his wedding plans.
"My (32 Female) brother (23 Male), Rick, proposed to his fiancée (23 Female) in April 2024."
"Ever since the wedding binder started (no joke), I've been included in the process of brainstorming for this dream wedding and am happy I've been a part of the speculation."
"In November 2024, they put a deposit towards a beautiful venue around an hour from where we currently live for the future date of August 8th, 2027."
"Later, they made the decision to move the wedding to the same date, but in our hometown in the state of Texas, since most of my sister-in-law's family is there. Also, because they want to move back and purchase a home there, so they thought they could save some money by having a reception in their new house."
"We currently live in South Dakota, so it became a destination wedding for me and my mom, but it was fine, because we had tons of time to prepare."
The latest wedding plan changes made it impossible for the OP to attend.
"Now for the issue we have at hand… we all received notice last week that they are changing their plans to a Vegas elopement in July of 2026, and here's the problem: I'm pregnant and due four months prior to their new wedding date."
"When they texted me the news, all I said was, 'Congratulations, I hope you have a wonderful time and have the wedding you have always wanted,' even though inside I was crushed. My brother and I and our mom are very close, so not in a million years would I dreamed that I would miss my brother's wedding."
"However, they have put us in a really tight spot."
The OP's brother was not happy to hear her decline.
"I didn't want to be a downer, but a couple days ago we (me and my brother) were talking about the wedding, and I told him to change your mind to a destination elopement and only give people seven months notice is not enough time for people to prepare."
"I explained that he needs to be ready for a lot of people to drop out, and that odds are I won't be able to go because I have a baby due just four months prior, and we are not in the best financial situation, let alone my mom, whom is currently out of work."
"Prior to this, I was going to be heavily involved in the wedding festivities, but now I basically won't be able to participate in anything. The wedding shower is in Texas, and for basically everything, I will be too pregnant or with a newborn."
"Am I being too uptight, or is this a ridiculous ask on their part? Mind you, my SIL had the audacity to say my parents are in a poor financial situation from their own doings, which is ironic, considering this would be another poor financial decision, and my brother honestly suggested I take a 25+ hour road trip with two under two."
"Yet my mom is guilt-tripping me, stating that we can't miss it no matter what. But honestly, they are the ones who moved up the wedding, knowing I would be freshly post-partum."
"Am I required to go? I need help!"
"Also, I wanted to make it clear that I don't expect their plans to revolve around me; I will be happy if they are happy."
"But I came here because I was being made to feel like I was selfish or wrong for stating that I couldn't make that work."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her brother was out of line and that her concerns were valid.
"NAH. They're allowed to do whatever they want for a wedding and you're under no obligation to cater to their whims. This is a non-issue. 'I think it's so great that you're doing X. Unfortunately, I won't be able to attend.' It really is that simple. Don't let anyone try to complicate it." - Maschamari
"There's no such thing as cheap airfare anymore. Flying with a four-month-old sounds excruciating. Accommodations are expensive. It's not fare to the new mother, and it's sounds like she will have two babies. Not cool. NTA. They're being selfish/short-sighted." - Diligent-Speed3023
"I missed my brother's wedding with three months' notice when I was working in Japan, and a coworker had just skipped out on their contract."
"Between money and a four-month-old, you have several very valid reasons to miss it. NTA." - Japaniti1
"NTA (you're in a no-win here, but their ever-changing wedding plans also shouldn't have to work around others' family plans*), but stay 100% out of what your mom decides (either way). Remind her your decisions have no bearing on her decisions - don't let yourself be on the hook for her choices, too."
"This is obviously more frustrating because it's plan number three and date number two, versus if this had always been their plan, or had been their first plan made seven months out. But you likely wouldn't have just held off on trying to get pregnant for that long because of the wedding plans either, nor should you have, so it ultimately would have been the same no-win, just with less chaos and insult to injury." - UnshrinkableScrewup
"If he traveled with a four-month-old baby, it would be with the baby's mom, and you know who would be doing all the work and who would be snoozing on the plane. And you know who would be taking care of a fussy, colicky, sick baby during an event like a wedding."
"It wouldn't be him. He would be drunk. Baby mama and baby would be exhausted, possibly sick, and pretty miserable with possible time change and an infant." - whiskeysour123
Others understood why the OP and her brother were both upset, but ultimately, they understood why the OP wanted to play it safe with her baby.
"It's going to hurt both of you that you're not there, but flying with a four-month-old isn't for the faint of heart. But if they have their first rounds of vaccines, that alleviates a lot of worry, unless the baby is unhealthy already."
"He explained what he thought. He thinks you can fly there and still be present for his wedding. You didn't like the answer and kept asking him for something he already gave you. That's why he hung up."
"You DO NOT HAVE TO GO. And of course he is going to be upset, but sometimes we don't always get what we want at the end of the day." - Quiet-Patient5458
"Neither of you is overreacting. But stop trying to tell him what he would do if he were in your situation, because you honestly don't know. From reading your other post, I don't really understand why you couldn't just make the trip alone without your kids and shorten the amount of time spent in Vegas."
"It's not like he's asking you to fly across the world. And seven months is not that short of notice, frankly. I understand that I could be missing context because I didn't go through all of the comments on your original post."
"That said, it's your right to set boundaries and to figure out what you are comfortable or not comfortable doing. His feelings are obviously hurt, and you aren't going to change his mind or his feelings on your not being there." - Fine_Smile73
"NAH. This is plenty of time to make travel arrangements, but I would never bring a baby or child to Vegas due to all of the cigarette smoke. It makes me feel horrible every time I go, and I can't imagine how that would feel in tiny lungs and sinuses."
"They have the right to have whatever they want, and you can feel bad that the new plan is much harder for you to attend. This isn't an elopement, it's a small, destination wedding." - Glum-System-7422
"Going from having two years to one year to seven months…a lot of people would struggle to come up with the excess money to travel for a wedding with that type of change. It may be plenty of time for you, but that may not be enough time for people who are struggling financially."
"The Texas wedding was set for the same date as the local one. So the time change would be from two years to seven months." - GeomEumTulip
"NAH. I think it's reasonable to not go and say you would love to be there to support them but it wouldn't be financially feasible for you. But I also don't think it's an unreasonable ask since it's seven months out."
"I have been invited to out-of-state weddings six months before if people have short engagements. Totally not cool though for your SIL to make a comment about your parents' financial situation." - ZealousidealSquash86
After receiving feedback in both subReddits, the OP shared an update, feeling relieved.
"Thank you for your input! And I think this is what I'm missing from my brother and his fiancée. I agree they should have the wedding they want, but I just feel they also need to understand when people say that they cannot go."
"When I got married, they were both broke and in college, and I made sure that all they had to spend money on was their clothes, and I even suggested looking for thrifted clothes to save money. Because for me, it was very important they be there."
"My long-term best friend did not attend as she did not feel comfortable traveling with a five-month-old, and my aunt, whom is like a grandma to me, didn't come as she has a fear of planes. I was very sad they couldn't attend, but I also understood."
"You sound like a very considerate people, and I also don't like the comments saying that they won't last just because they are young, they already have been together five years and have gotten through hard times together, they are very in love."
It clearly hurt the OP to not attend, but this is one of those cases where it's important to prioritize a baby's health and make more new memories later.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.