In today's economy and job market, it's harder than ever to get into college, find a job that pays enough to cover the bills, or even be selected for an internship.
When an opportunity falls into a person's lap from a close connection, they'd be stupid not to take advantage of it, argued the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Key-Efficiency3961 was able to help their adult, younger brother acquire an opportunity from an extended family member to apply for an exclusive and competitive internship. Knowing how important this was, she attempted to help by reminding him about the approaching deadline.
When he accused her of babying him and acting like his mother, the Original Poster (OP) sat back and watched as he procrastinated, missed the deadline, and demanded that she use their family's connection to get an application deadline.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for refusing to help my brother after he missed an opportunity I warned him about?"
The OP helped her younger brother land an opportunity to apply for an exclusive internship.
"I (24 Female) have a younger brother (20 Male) who recently had an opportunity to apply for a paid internship through a family connection."
"When he told me about it, I advised him to apply early because the deadline was strict."
"He kept delaying it and saying he had enough time."
"I reminded him a couple of times, and he got upset every time, saying I was acting like I was his mother."
The OP decided to stop "acting like his mother" and let her brother make his own mistakes.
"Well, the deadline passed, and he missed it."
"Now he got upset and says I should not have stopped reminding him since I knew how important it was."
"A few days later, he asked if I could talk to the family contact and get him reconsidered."
"I refused because the deadline was clearly stated and I don’t think it’s fair to ask for special treatment after I kept reminding him and he ignored."
The OP's brother didn't appreciate having to actually be an independent adult.
"Now he’s angry at me and says I’m not being supportive."
"I feel bad that he missed out, but I also feel like this was his responsibility."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she already did everything she could to help and that it was time for her brother to step up.
"NTA, you did everything you could to help him; he was the one who didn't act."
"And honestly, if he can't be bothered to apply for an opportunity that falls in his lap by a clear deadline, it doesn't sound like he was a very strong candidate to begin with..." - dykeviola
"It sounds like you're doing him a favor by telling him 'no.' Maybe he'll learn a thing or two about consequences." - fresh-dork
"Honestly, if he acts that way all the time, you might tarnish your own credibility recommending him." - tango421
"He procrastinated and now is trying to blame you."
"You did everything you could short of filling it out yourself. Just mock him; he cannot be helped until he's ready." - rnewscates73
"NTA, because he needs to learn from the consequences of his own actions, and he's your brother, not your child, meaning not your responsibility, as he so profoundly pointed out." - CarrotGratin
"NTA. He needs to take responsibility for his mistakes. He should be the one to call the family contact, not you." - Hungry_Pup
"NTA. Absolutely not. Don’t fold and give him what he wants, either. He’s young, so he should take this as a learning opportunity." - Triple_Angst
"If anyone caves and does it for him, like getting the extension that he wants, that will be the new norm, and he will expect to be bailed out every single time."
"Don’t do it. Stick by your decision."
"He needs to learn consequences and take accountability for his own lack of follow-through."
"He’s p**sy because he knows it’s on him and doesn’t want to acknowledge it. Not following through and not having the spine to make the call himself. Time for him to grow up." - BrainDivots
"NTA. Being supportive reminds him to apply early. You were supportive. Now he is asking for special treatment. Not the same thing. Hopefully, a lesson learned." - Suzdog
"NTA, and honestly, if he couldn’t be bothered to apply for the internship, he didn’t deserve it."
"I would not ask someone you know to put their professional integrity and reputation on the line for someone who couldn’t be organized and engaged enough to apply for an opportunity, and for someone who thinks that responsibility lies with someone other than themselves."
"He’s taking no accountability, he’s showing no initiative, h**l, YOU had to ask the friend for a second opportunity because he still couldn’t be bothered. I’d never want to put my professional reputation on the line for your brother, and you should stop asking the family friend to do the same."
"Your brother doesn’t deserve it, and despite the blaming he’s doing, he’s not even trying to get it. He hasn’t made the bare minimum effort to apply."
"Stop helping him. The more you help him, the more he relies on you and the more he believes his failures are your fault. Don’t be an asshole to yourself. Let him grow up." - Amazing_Cabinet1404
Others agreed, pointing out that the brother would remain irresponsible until he was pushed to step up and take care of himself.
"He doesn’t seem bothered by it because everyone has bailed him out before. Or because he missed out on one good thing, something else good has come along and made sure he’s gotten that."
"So either way, he’s waiting for the next bailout. He knows he just needs to be patient."
"Why do I know this? He told you about it. You then kept reminding him about what he said. And reminding him."
"He called you his mom. Which I’m guessing may be new or maybe not. But usually someone keeps reminding him, but you didn’t. He missed the deadline, and it’s your fault because you didn’t keep reminding him."
"See, none of this is his fault. Your fault for nagging him. Your fault for stopping when he asked. Your fault that he missed the deadline."
"Who really screwed up? Him. But he’s so used to everyone bailing him out. Everyone is helping him. Everyone is just babying him, so he’s not going to care because he’s still waiting for the next thing you’ll basically do for him."
"NTA. He is. But he will only learn if everyone gets off the bailout train. Because this doesn’t work if others keep bailing him out." - Sunnyok85
"Since he's young, he can (hopefully) learn from this lesson."
"Though, the fact that he got upset with you for 'acting like his mother' and then got upset when you stopped, because apparently he's incapable of behaving like a responsible adult, doesn't make me too hopeful."
"Maybe he'll surprise all of us."
"NTA, obviously." - velvety_chaos
"He is far from being fresh out of high school, but even if he were, my peers and I NEVERRRR would have snoozed on an opportunity like that. Fools gonna fool around and find out, I guess." - Lucky-Coin-88
"NTA. This is a classic 'f**k around and find out' situation. Little bro has to learn this for himself."
"Hopefully, he realizes he is a grown-a** adult now, and nobody on earth is going to hold his hand and remind him of all the things. He missed this opportunity for the internship, but gained an opportunity to learn from the mistake. Early bird gets the worm!" - Lactating-almonds
"NTA. Tell him to grow the f**k up. You're not his mother, and you're not going to act like it. If he can't be a**ed to take advantage of an opportunity that's going to make his life better, that's on him." - JosieJOK
"If he wanted the internship that badly, he would've taken OP's advice seriously and applied early or at least started preparing and set a timer, i.e., a week before the deadline to focus on the application process."
"If he can't be bothered to prioritize things and practice time management and self discipline, then it doesn't matter if you had ignored his 'don't remind me' or he somehow got the internship... if he stayed up late and couldnt bother to set an alarm or wake up timely himself for example there were plenty of ways for him to screw up the internship."
"It sounds like he's got some learning to do before he's professionally prepared for much of anything." - Lilpanda21
"Procrastination has consequences. It’s a lesson he needs to learn. If you fix it for him, he won’t learn it."
"It sounds like he may not learn it anyway since he’s not taking responsibility." - Atworkwasalreadytake
"NTA. As your brother aptly noticed, you are not, in fact, his mother. Even if you were his mother, one could argue that you would be doing him a disservice to helicopter over him and try to fix his mistake. Hopefully, he will learn from this and plan better next time." - UteLawyer
"NTA. And he's not ready for the responsibility of the post, either. Think of the liability he would be when he can't even care enough to apply on time!"
"You reminded him, and he complained. You still tried to help, and he resisted. He is hopefully learning the lesson." - CanAhJustSay
"NTA. We call this a life lesson." - Snarl_Marx
The subreddit could understand the importance of an internship opportunity like this, and, because of that, they were especially flummoxed that the OP's brother had fumbled it so badly.
If he wanted an opportunity like this, he needed to take responsibility for his actions and meet his deadlines, like an adult.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp