Professional creative people expect to get paid for their work.
Now, of course, favors are always done, but expected favors aren't received well.
Sometimes a person just wants to enjoy a social event as a guest.
But then being just a guest can cause friction.
Redditor Creative_Chance_5077 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] no to playing at her wedding if my son isn't included?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (40s M[ale]) am a musician."
"Not like an 'annoying guy with a guitar at parties' or some dude who does open mic nights."
"I'm a studio musician who's worked on soundtracks, like for Marvel and Harry Potter."
"My SIL (30s F[emale]) is getting married in a few months."
"My wife is her bridesmaid, and our daughter (6 F) is a flower girl."
"Originally, my son (12 M) and I were going to stick with each other."
"But my SIL asked, or more like voluntold me, that she wanted me to play music during the interlude before the wedding and during cocktail hour."
"Apparently, she'd been telling her friends and in-laws about my work and would love it if I played for them."
"I told her I can't because I don't want to work during my off day."
"I'd be playing for hours, and it can get tiring."
"Also, I'd be leaving my son alone at that time."
"He isn't in the wedding party and doesn't have anything to do. "
"He's also been struggling with his mental health, and I don't feel comfortable leaving him alone."
"Well, she didn't take it well because now she's telling these same people I'm being a lazy a** just because I won't play during her cocktail hour."
"My in-laws, her parents, are asking me to reconsider because this would mean a lot to her, and it would be easy for her if I just do it as a favor."
"My wife is sticking up for me, at least, but my SIL has been kind of a di*k to me since."
"I may consider skipping the whole thing and just take my son out for the day."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. That's up to you, and you even have better reasons than would be necessary."
"If her reaction is to go around talking trash about you, it just goes to confirm that you shouldn't be doing her a special favor." ~ MotelTheTailor1903
"NTA. I'd skip it but probably still wear the tuxedos out for lunch, movie, and photo session with son, go karts if viable."
"Plaster those all over Facebook."
"Point out your playing hooky from a 'boring ol' wedding.'"
" Go full SpongeBob with 'Best day ever!!'"
Assert Dominance!" ~ Tazmosis85
"NTA. Tell your SIL about your charges."
"I'm pretty sure she'd rather hire a usual wedding band that doesn't charge Hollywood money." ~ Sure-Owl-3820
"His wife is in the wedding party."
"I wouldn't charge my sister-in-law to do something like that."
"I don't think money is at all the issue; it sounds like he's more worried about his son than the money or even being tired/tiring."
"I think if his wife wasn't part of the wedding and could spend it with her son, that would be different." ~ crunkadocious
"NTA. Someone requested that you work an event."
"Family or not, you do not owe anyone that."
"It's a large ask."
"Even if she were to offer to pay you double your rate, you 100% are within your rights to say no." ~ YoshiandAims
"Not even requested to work: demanded free labor. 100% NTA." ~ Pastawench
"Right. A reasonable request would be 'Would you be willing to play a song as we enter the reception' (and he still has the right to say no)."
"But demanding he play that whole time because she's too cheap to pay someone else to do it? NAH." ~ WhimsicalKoala
"NTA: 'And it would be easy for her' -- this BS right here is why she thinks she can badmouth you."
"I guarantee they just let her do what she wants because it's easier than dealing with her attitude."
"That's their problem to deal with."
"And you're not some trained monkey."
"She asked, totally fine, you said no, also totally fine."
"But now she's badmouthing you?"
"Like, the entitlement is insane." ~ Unfair_Rhubarb_13
"NTA. If she can't see why her nephew is more important than she's a trash human being." ~ Away-Living5278
"Agree. What I don't understand is how having a bored 12-year-old with mental health issues basically left to his own devices for hours during a wedding is something to ignore."
"Has anyone met unsupervised 12-year-olds?"
"Believe me, OP, if you play during the event and your son gets into mischief, you will be blamed for not watching him."
"If you want to play a song or a short set as a gift while your son is with your wife and his sister, or with his grandparents... Fine."
"But definitely either declare it as a gift or invoice her for your services." ~ MoaningLisaSimpson
"NTA. She didn't ask you to play; she demanded it."
"Plus, she didn't say she'd pay you, did she?"
"This was supposed to be a favor to her on her special day, and when you didn't immediately jump at the opportunity to serve her, she began talking sh*t." ~ hot_throwaway_2006
"It'd be 'easy for her' because she doesn't want to pay and also wants to save face for promising something without confirming with you, thus making you a doormat and feeding into her entitlement."
"Big yikes 😬 for her."
"Big yuck for the in-laws enabling her."
"Enjoy your day off with your son, hope y'all have an amazing day." ~ SCHMETTERLING
"NTA... let your wife handle this, though."
"It is her family, therefore her responsibility."
"You and your wife should decide together how best to proceed and let her be the one to handle it from there."
"As an observation, it seems to me SIL essentially just wants to pimp you out for your services." ~ Cautious_Farmer3185
"NTA. One of my bridesmaids is a very talented musician."
"I did not ask her to play at any point during the wedding."
'I hired someone."
"Your SIL is wrong on several levels here."
"She’s undervaluing your work AND your role as a guest."
'You should be enjoying the event."
'Adding in the situation with your son puts it over the line."
"Sometimes people volunteer to do nice things for friends/family at their wedding, and that’s great."
"You didn’t do that, though, and she shouldn’t have asked, let alone been upset when you said no."
"If you want to make an hour or two of music your wedding gift to the bride and groom, go for it. But you should not feel obligated to." ~ feelingrooovy
"NTA. Just want to say you don't have to do anything just because someone asked you, but more importantly, good for your wife for standing up for you." ~ LucyBarefoot
"NTA - Don’t go."
"You are going to be the talk of the wedding if this is how she’s acting now, before the big day."
"You will be uncomfortable the entire time if you attend."
"Petty, entitled people who behave this way, will up the antics."
"Every single person at that wedding will know what a disappointment you were to her, and this will not go away."
"You are going to be hearing for years how lazy and selfish you are for not doing this for her."
"Wow. I’m sorry." ~ Ok_Macaroon3872
"NTA. I think it's a great idea to skip the whole thing and do something fun with your son."
"This woman doesn't deserve a second of your time."
"Thank God, your wife is sticking up for you."
"So many don't." ~ Gattina1
"NTA. Your SIL is an a**hole, and your wife needs to step up because it’s not just about you; it’s also about having your struggling tween be all alone and leave him feeling isolated."
"As a spouse and a mom, she should also be skipping the whole wedding with you and both kids, sending a message:"
"'You don’t get to be an a**hole to either my kids or my spouse, ever, and still have me as your bridal party.'"
" Not to mention that whole 'I want you to play at my wedding for free at your and your child’s expense.'"
" If your wife wants to still go, it’s her choice, but I support the day away with your son doing something fun. I would do the same." ~ Selfimprovinghuman
"NTA. They either want you as a guest or they want your professional services, and they come at a cost."
"We did cakes for a family wedding and agreed this would be our wedding gift to them."
"We aren't professionals, we are decent bakers, and my wife decorates to a decent standard that wouldn't look like it wasn't done by a pro." ~ underwater-sunlight
"NTA - You can inform her parents as soon as she started to insult you, she screwed herself."
"If they want you to play, it's going to cost money now since she is acting entitled to your talent."
"Or malicious compliance....?"
"NTA that sounds like literal hours of work for free, I could understand her asking if you could play for a small portion of the cocktail hour, but to expect you to do both is too much." ~ diamodis
Reddit is with you, OP.
You aren't a servant.
Your talents aren't free.
Stand your ground.
Or let your SIL pay up.
Good Luck.
