It's no secret that the wedding industry is incredibly lucrative, and it's becoming increasingly expensive to plan a wedding.
Not to mention how much further in advance you often have to book venues and services, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Master-Reach-1977 was counting down the days to her wedding, which she and her partner had been planning for over a year, and everything was arranged.
When her brother asked her to move the date to accommodate an important internship, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her family expected her to put her brother's needs first.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to move my wedding date after my brother said he can't make it?"
The OP was counting down the days until her wedding day.
"I (28 Female) am getting married in two months. My fiancé (29 Male) and I have been planning this wedding for over a year. We picked the venue, sent out save-the-dates last year, and everyone has known about the date for ages."
"Like, we're all in. The venue is booked, caterers, flowers, photographer... basically everything is set, and deposits have been paid."
"At this point, we're just counting down the days, excited to get married and celebrate with everyone."
But then the OP's brother tried to flip the wedding on its head.
"Enter my younger brother (25 Male). He just got into this super competitive internship program that he's been wanting for a while, and he's over the moon about it. I'm genuinely happy for him because I know this is a big deal for his career."
"The problem is, he found out the start date is the same week as my wedding, and he told me he can't come anymore."
"Obviously, I was disappointed, but I assumed he'd be a little bummed too and we'd move on. Instead, he asked me if I'd consider changing the wedding date."
"At first, I thought he was joking, but nope, he was dead serious. He's all, 'This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I really don't want to miss your wedding, but I can't be in two places at once.'"
The OP felt there was no way to make that happen.
"I told him there's literally no way I'm changing the date. We're two months out. Everything is booked, invites have been sent, guests have RSVP'd, and people have already planned time off and booked hotels."
"Not to mention, moving a wedding isn't as simple as just picking another day, especially at this point. There's a whole cascade of other stuff I'd have to move, and that's IF the venue even has another open date anytime soon."
"He got annoyed and basically said, 'So you care more about a party than your brother's future?'"
"That really p**sed me off. Like, come on. It's not like I didn't give everyone, including him, a huge heads-up about this date. He's known for over a year. I get that the internship is important, but it's not like he couldn't have communicated with them and tried to work something out, right?"
The OP was surprised by everyone else's opinion.
"Now, my mom is all over me about it, saying that I'll regret not having him there and that I'm being selfish by not even considering changing the date."
"She's implying that family is more important than one day, but I feel like... this is the one day that's actually about me and my fiancé, and I don't think it's fair to be expected to turn my life upside down to accommodate his work."
"My dad is staying out of it (classic), but I can tell he thinks I'm being a bit unreasonable, too."
"My fiancé is backing me up, but I can tell he feels weird about the whole thing. He's a big family guy and doesn't want any drama, but he also knows how much we've already put into this wedding."
The OP felt divided over the situation.
"I don't want to sound like I don't care about my brother, because I do. I love him, and I hate that he won't be there, but at the same time, I don't think it's reasonable to ask someone to change their wedding date this close. It's not like we're talking about a birthday party or something. This is a whole a** wedding."
"So yeah... Am I wrong for refusing to change the date and basically telling him if he can't come, that's on him? Or should I be more flexible here?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it would be impossible to switch the date of her wedding now.
"You can't move mountains for him."
"You can't screw over everyone else who saved the date."
"There's no argument here. The date is the date."
"Now I get that he doesn't want to make waves but 'My sister's wedding' seems like an easy ask. Is it on a weekday? Why can't he do both?" - Laiko_Kairen
"All of the other people who made plans to possibly miss work to travel for this wedding on its current date and who already booked their hotels would now be put out."
"Little bro can say something to his workplace about his sister's wedding, but expecting her to move it is absolutely delusional." - TaylorMade2566
"I hate when people are like this. They expect everyone to move heaven and earth when they say so with no regard to anyone else or even reality."
"And if 'family' is so important, what about the groom's family? After all, they will be OP's family, too, because OP's not marrying herself, and I'm quite certain they wouldn't be happy with that."
"What about OP's extended family who are traveling? Are they not important?"
"My brother missed my wedding because he had a job interview for a higher-paying position within the company he works for. An INTERVIEW. But I would've been angry if he missed the interview for my wedding." - calenka89
"You know he's the Golden Child and anything he wants is what should happen. Of course his needs come first! How silly to think otherwise."
"Yeah, why is his future more important than hers? Because he's a boy? No, because he's the Golden Child."
"This is the time that you do not need to be the 'bigger person.' It's your freaking wedding! If mom doesn't want to go because her baby can't, then she can hang out with the baby at his work and clap when he learns how to work an Excel spreadsheet." - Scruffersdad
"I help to run the internship program at my current employer, and I've been involved in the internship programs at several prior employers. I've never, not once, worked at a company that wouldn't have granted an intern a day or two off so they could attend a sibling's wedding. Not one."
"And I've worked for some of the biggest tech companies on the planet. If one of my interns came to me right now and asked for a day off to attend a sibling's wedding, the conversation would be short, 'Sure. Put the date into the leave request system. Have fun. Don't come back with a hangover.'"
"OP is totally NTA. Unless this internship is on the other side of the planet, I have a hard time believing that they can't make the date work."
"As a guy who has three sisters, it would take an apocalypse to keep me away from their weddings. I once flew from London to San Francisco just to watch my daughter's first piano recital. That's the kind of s**t you do for the people you love." - codefyre
Others agreed and said the family could cover the expenses if it was that important to them.
"I love how the mom is spouting off her 'family is more important than one day' horses**t. Is she also saying that to her son?"
"We can't always be present for our family's significant moments. That's just life."
"Maybe OP should stream the wedding for those who can't attend, but changing the date is insane." - PrideofCapetown
"If family is more important, than surely Mom is willing to pony up the cash for all of the lost deposits, vendors, and new deposits OP will have to make. Right? RIGHT?"
"I think Mom will suddenly discover that family is not more important." - LissaBryan
"The OP's family is a great example of how entitled people always come up with a solution that's paid for with someone else's dime."
"And in this case, energy. You want to change the date? OK, refund all the lost deposits, start planning the back up plan (venue, vendors, hotel blocks, and so on), start communicating the backup plan, and let the relatives who are shelling out money know they are on their own to reschedule and see how well that goes over."
"Everyone has a bright idea until they have to execute on it, and they see how hard it is. Not to mention how expensive." - Alarming-Trouble9676
"Brother and mother need to pony up the expenses incurred by the guests, as well. Additionally, they should cover any lost pay for guests who took that time off, unpaid, or those who can't undo that vacation time or just for a damn nuisance fee."
"OP, I am so sorry that you have such selfish and RIDICULOUSLY IGNORANT parents and brother."
"What the actual f**k?" - Financial_Peanut4383
"NTA for sure. Unless OP's brother/mom are willing to compensate not only OP and her fiancé for every cost they would lose on the venue, vendors, etc., and every single person who had to pay for travel expenses, there's no way I would even entertain the idea."
"'Family comes first' does not cover thousands of dollars lost."
"And does the groom-to-be not have family coming, too? How do they feel about a total reschedule?" - ConstructionNo9678
The subReddit not only reassured the OP that she should not worry about rescheduling her wedding, especially this close to the big day, but they also felt the brother could do more to have that day off, even with starting an important internship.
But even if asking for the day off did not work out, that would not mean that the brother and sister loved each other any less. Sometimes life gets in the way of important events we're looking forward to, and just as the brother said, we can't be in two places at once.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp