Getting married on the same date as your parents or grandparents is something some couples choose to do.
But what if a parent or grandparent prefers you don’t? Does it make a difference if their spouse is dead?
A sibling of the mother of the bride turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after their niece’s wedding date caused more heartbreak than happiness for their mother.
EclecticHedgehog710 asked:
“AITA for suggesting to my sister that her daughter should change her wedding date?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My niece wants to get married next year on my parents’ wedding anniversary, which she sees as an honor, especially since my dad passed away in 2022. He was like a father to her and she’s disappointed that he will not be there to walk her down the aisle.”
“However, my mom told her she is not thrilled about this decision and would prefer she pick a different date.”
“To begin with, my mom has said it feels like the date is being taken away from her, that it will no longer be a day about her and her late husband, but about my niece and her new husband.”
“She has stated it will be very hard for her to be at a wedding on what should have been her 56th anniversary and not have her husband at her side.”
“When I asked my sister (my niece’s mother) if she chose a different date, I was told that unless the venue can’t do that date, there are no plans to change it. They haven’t actually booked a venue yet. They’re looking and that’s the date they want.”
“I tried to explain to her that our mom was not honored by this decision or happy and she should change the date, but her response was ‘but it’s to honor dad’.”
“I said there are other ways to honor our dad and make him a part of the moment without taking this day away from our mom. It doesn’t seem right to do something to honor one person (who is dead) at the expense of someone who has to go through the emotional/painful moment.”
“I was basically told that my niece has her reasons for wanting that date and the day will be hard regardless, but the wedding with make it a happy memory. Basically, I was told to just deal with it.”
“Am I in the wrong to suggest she choose a different date since it is hurtful to my mom?”
“I just don’t understand how she can see it as an honor to do it on their anniversary when my mom has said she’s not happy about it and might actually be hurt by the decision.”
“My mom had said something to my niece. When my sister texted me that they were looking at venues, I asked if they had changed the date, knowing my mom had said she wasn’t happy.”
“When I was told they were continuing to go with the original plan, and shared that with my mom, I was just reiterating what my mom was saying as she doesn’t text, so I was trying to speak on her behalf.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I suggested to my sister that my niece should change her wedding date because our mom was not happy she wants to do it on her anniversary.”
“I might be the a**hole because it’s not my wedding and I have no say in what decisions are being made. My niece has her reasons for picking that date and my opinion doesn’t matter.”
“My actions in suggesting she change it are not supportive of my niece.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“I couldn’t imagine going to a relative’s wedding on my wedding anniversary if my spouse is dead. I’ve been married almost 45 years.”
“This just crosses too many lines that it’s tacky and mean. If the person doesn’t feel like it’s a honor, it’s probably not.”
“I pray that I go first. I cannot even think about living without them. And no, I would not go to the wedding. NTA.” ~ Shadow4summer
“I mean, I CAN imagine going to another wedding on my anniversary, just not one that was planned specifically because it’s my anniversary and my husband has died.”
“If I were OP I’d just sit this one out at home, it’s going to be them endlessly complaining about how it was supposed to be an honor and yada, yada anyway. NTA.” ~ VegetableLeopard1004
“Especially because it is common practice at weddings (at least in the US) to have a moment where the DJ is calling out asking for couples who have been married the longest.”
“What a terrible moment that would be for the mom (grandma) on what should be her anniversary.” ~ Doingwhaticanhere
“NTA. My idiot cousin tried to do the same thing after my grandfather passed.”
“This was her second wedding out of three, I think, and she wanted my grandmother to attend (which was in the Catholic Church my grandparents got married in) on Valentine’s Day less than 30 days after my grandfather passed away.”
“My idiot cousin was hoping that she would get her ‘inheritance’ to pay for the wedding since she was doing such a great job trying to include my grandmother in the New Joy that her second wedding would bring.”
“And of course she announced all of this the weekend of the funeral.”
“We all told idiot cousin to f*ck off, go get married or whatever, and leave grandma out of it. Grandma didn’t go and my mom and I spent time with her that weekend just trying to cheer her up. She and my grandfather were married 53 years.”
“Tell your idiot niece that grandma isn’t excited about her plans and that she should count on her not being there or blessing the wedding.”
“Then get out of the conversation. These are all adults they can handle themselves.” ~ lissabeth777
“If I were OP, I would book a nice getaway vacation for myself and mother…maybe somewhere mom always wanted to go but never had a chance.”
“But I’m petty Betty and that’s what I would do. To honor dad of course.” ~ sphynxmom76
“Gosh, I hope the Mom does stay home, for her own mental health! The bride and her mom almost seem to be rubbing it in her face.”
“I wonder why they don’t like her? That’s what I’d be asking. Why are they soooo insistent on ‘honoring’ Dad at her expense?” ~ rigbysgirl13
“It kinda makes me hope more of the family takes a stand against the wedding and doesn’t go since the niece is so blatantly stomping on OP’s mom while she is down. 3 years is nothing when mourning after 50 years being married.”
“I saw another post a while back where the wedding was the anniversary of the tragic death of several family members in a car accident and the bride to be said the same ‘make it a happy memory’ line. Most of the family didn’t go to that wedding.” ~ Nameless_consult
“NTA. Tell them both: ‘I can’t tell you what to do, it’s your wedding and your choice. But I can tell you that hurting the person my father loved for five decades would not honor him. It would make him incredibly sad to know that my mom was in unnecessary pain and forced to smile and pretend she isn’t. You do what you want, but you’re doing it for you. Not Dad’.”
“Then you and mom go do something together that really honors your dad on their wedding anniversary. Even if there’s a wedding that day. Hell, invite other family members along too.” ~ Trilobyte141
Although two people did see no a**holes here (NAH).
“NAH. Your mom doesn’t get to keep that date as only hers forever. Other family members can have stuff on that date.”
“Your mother’s wedding anniversary date is special to her and she can forever remember it as her wedding anniversary date. She can’t expect that from anyone else.” ~ Dana07620
“NAH, since I can see both sides of things, but respectfully, this is not your wedding.”
“Your mom is an adult and can speak directly with your niece if she feels she needs to do that. Neither you nor your sister needs to be involved in this decision.” ~ her_ladyships_soap
But that opinion got pushback.
“According to OP, their mom HAS talked with them and they are ignoring her feelings. Okay. So OP was helping by reiterating how mom feels only for those feelings to be ignored again.”
“So, yes, OP should now stay out of it.”
“But don’t worry; OP will be there when sister and niece start complaining that mom/grandmother isn’t coming to the wedding and they don’t understand why…” ~ One_Ad_704
“And OP might stay with mother to remember the deceased father instead of going to the wedding. WHY do people want to make such a specific date about themselves?”
“‘Make it a happy memory’ but not to mother/grandmother, who will always remember her husband with sorrow. And not to OP, who will remember niece’s arrogance.”
We’ve had a similar case in our family, where nibling actually talked with her grandmother and got her approval. That’s how it should be.” ~ SpiritedLettuce6900
Life goes on, but honoring someone shouldn’t deliberately trample all over someone they loved for over half a century.
Hopefully this family can come to an understanding that really honors the man they all lost.