Grief is an individual process.
Everyone has their own ways of expressing their sorrow and their own timeline for returning to normalcy.
Some people never fully move on from their loss.
A parent whose bride-to-be daughter wants her family to get over their grief so they can attend her wedding turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Imaginary_Form9887 asked:
"AITA telling my daughter she has to understand that choosing this wedding date would result in my family not going?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"About 2 years ago, my brother, my nephew and my mother were in a car accident. My mother died instantly, my brother and nephew passed away the next day.:
"My family was small: just me, my husband, daughter, parents, brother, his wife and my 2 nephews . Their loss was devastating for my life and for everyone, even worse for my father and my sister-in-law (SIL)."
"1 year ago, my daughter Betty (25, female) was proposed to by her fiancé and preparations began. During this process, they chose the date based on the day they met 7 years ago."
"That day is exactly 2 years since the death of my brother and nephew. I tried to talk to her about moving it, because it is still a very difficult date for our family and even for myself."
"But she insisted saying that the venue had that date available and it would be perfect, because all the other available dates aren't so good and wouldn't be so important. I respected her decision."
"Recently, she sent the invitations to everyone and, as I predicted, my SIL, my nephew (24, male) and my father responded that they would not attend and despite not telling her, my father and SIL told me that the date choice was an offense to them."
"I decided to remain neutral. I confirmed my attendance and my husband's.
"Today my daughter called me unhappy that no one but us confirmed—my husband doesn't have family on his side."
"Her family part was empty and she expected everyone to go on that date, even more so after she explained the reason to them about the date, but they still refused."
"I tried to be supportive, but I said 'Love, this date is difficult even for me, but I will go to your wedding, but you have to understand that this choice of date had this consequence and you would have to deal with the consequences of your choices'."
"She exploded at me, saying that everyone was against her, it's not her fault the dates coincided and everyone could make an effort to go a few hours for her, but they decided to just not go and I was basically saying 'I told you so'."
"She hung up without me answering and we still haven't spoken."
"My husband said he understands me, but I should have stayed away from it."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their predicament.
"Told my daughter she has to understand that choosing this wedding date would result in my family not going."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Some Redditors thought the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"Soft YTA for sacrificing the living to the dead. Hope you didn't want to see those grandbabies.
"She will remember your choices forever. And so will you."
"There are only 365 days in the year, and horrible things have happened on every single day. If you all can't go because of grief, that's fine, but everyone calling the bride cold needs to remember that we are only hearing one side of the story." ~ Sufficient_Lynx7869
"YTA. People have the right to set their wedding whenever they want and your daughter was trying to get the perfect venue on a date that was special to her. Your family is the a**hole for not showing up to a wedding."
"Would they have gone to a wedding that was on that date for somebody unrelated?"
"She wants to get married on a day that special to her and her fiancé, even if bad things have happened on that day."
"There is not a date in the entire calendar that bad things have not happened on." ~ Ok-Look1776
"My husband died unexpectedly a few years ago, at the young age of 40. He was a devoted uncle of his two nieces."
"One niece decided to get married on the one year anniversary of my husband's death. The date was picked because she's a teacher and it was over spring break."
"I dreaded the event…but the truth was, it was just a day. A pleasant day. The wedding kept me from mourning the day—and the reality is that the anniversary date wouldn't automatically make me sad."
"I found that it was random things that would make me sad. Having to go to the wedding alone. Having someone say something thoughtless."
"It ended up that the wedding helped ease that one year anniversary."
"So maybe the family should go—but have an exit plan for themselves, just in case. But only go if you can leave YOUR trauma at home. The day is about the bride and groom." ~ Jitterbug26
"So….since some of your family died on this day years ago, it will forever and always be a day of mourning and no one is allowed to be happy or celebrate a life event?"
"Sad for your daughter to find out that the dead mean more to her family than the living. Poor girl should just take the wedding money and elope, since her family doesn't care enough to be there for her."
"Yeah, you said you'd go, but the rest of the family kinda suck." ~ PuddyTatTat
"YTA. Dates can be hard and bring up bad memories, but finding reasons to support people we love on those dates isn't that hard. I've done it on the dates my parents died for people I care about."
"I get mourning those who mean something to you, but life moves forward. This date is important to them for other reasons."
"The family that choose to not show up are going to lose a lot more in this process." ~ Own_Championship4180
"YTA. Why are you choosing—and yes, that's what you're doing—to privilege your deceased mother, brother and nephew over your daughter?"
"Even though you're going to the wedding, which is great, you're still telling her that she's in the wrong for picking this date."
"I'm sorry, but they're dead. They don't care that you're giving them that day."
"If they were somehow aware of it, I guarantee that they'd be sad that you were prioritizing remembering their death over your own daughter's life."
"They can also be grieved, honored, remembered, and cherished any day of the year that you choose to."
"But what your daughter is going to remember is that you have chosen the dead over her, right there, standing in front of you."
"This choice of date had this consequence and she will have to deal with the consequences of her choices."
"And you, and all of your family members, are going to have to deal with the consequence of your choice to give more importance to people who are no longer here to receive it over her, which is." ~ Cent1234
But the majority decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. What she doesn't realize is that many of the family members she has invited probably have major prior plans for that date to recognize their loved ones."
"They are already committed, and she is now pissed off because they won't cancel their prior commitments at her demand." ~ CatteNappe
"NTA. I mean, you told her exactly why this would happen and she didn't listen. I think she was more upset in front of you than at you, if that makes sense."
"She's venting. But also kinda thoughtless to think that everyone would just swallow their grief to watch her get married on a really painful anniversary." ~ BetweenWeebandOtaku
"This is still a fresh wound for many of them. Especially for the grandfather. NTA OP." ~ Kitsune_Scribe
"NTA at all. She was warned and chose to proceed anyway."
"She was free to choose whatever date she wanted, but it was heartless to expect the family to show up for her big party and forget what date it was."
"Did she really expect her cousin to forget about losing his Dad, Brother, and Grandma on this date a few years ago? That makes her the a**." ~ Scribe62
"NTA, either she picks a different day or should expect most of your family to not come."
"Personally, I'd have a hard time celebrating my wedding on the exact same day my grandma, uncle, and cousin died. The fact she's taken it this far is already gross, and she should hope it's not too late to change the date and beg for forgiveness." ~ saberzerqx
"NTA. I don't think you were saying 'I told you so', but you told her what would happen and it happened. So 'I told you so' would be totally valid."
"There are 365 days in a year. She could have picked a day where her family isn't grieving." ~ jadeariel12
"NTA. It isn't your daughter's fault that she & her fiancé met about the same time her family members passed."
"It is her fault, however, that she still chose that day as her wedding day, knowing the hurt that day brought to her loved ones."
"You tried to warn her, but she didn't care, and now she's suffering the consequences of her actions." ~ MamaH1620
"NTA—this feels like a situation where you bore the brunt of her upset because you are the one who is trusted and in conversation with her. That sucks but doesn't mean you have done anything wrong."
"It probably means you have done something right, which is to talk to her about this being difficult in a way that meant she vented to you about her frustration. This is a really tough situation all around."
"I can see why she wants the focus to be on this date from one angle, which is a beautiful and loving one. It's also not realistic to define it for others, for whom it is a devastating anniversary that is going to colour everything."
"She can feel upset about that, and really of all the days, it is unfair of the universe that these things line up this way and always will. But it doesn't obligate anyone else to do or change a single thing they need to do on a day that is about deep grief for them."
I sort of wondered if at some level this is its own kind of grief reaction, depending on how close she was to your late family members. It's almost a kind of magical wishful thinking to behave like she can redefine the meaning of this date for the people in your extended family."
"Like, unless she is a consistently selfish or difficult person, this is a choice that is so strange and insistent in the face of reality that it feels a bit unhinged, which I don't mean in a mean way."
"I also wonder a bit about whether grief that's still being processed is in the mix, given the way she framed it in her call with you—that if they cared they'd make the effort and come, as though this is a referendum on love for her vs love for the people lost."
"It might be way off base, but I wonder if some element of her grief is comparing herself or survivor's guilt or something that's in the mix around what is a strange choice in the face of an awful loss in a close and small family." ~ Margenius
"It's also the day when a husband lost his wife, his son and his grandson."
"It's also a day when people lost a mother, a brother, and a nephew."
"She can have the day she chooses, but she can't demand people be present on the day that brought them so much grief and heartache."
"It's been 2 years She doesn't get to demand when people get over their grief. NTA." ~ penguingirl18
Ultimately, this is a conflict between the bride and her grandfather, cousin, and aunt.
The OP can't force the bride to change the date or force her maternal family to attend the wedding.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp