Grief is an individual process.
Everyone has their own ways of expressing their sorrow and their own timeline for returning to normalcy.
Some people never fully move on from their loss.
A parent whose bride-to-be daughter wants her family to get over their grief so they can attend her wedding turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Imaginary_Form9887 asked:
“AITA telling my daughter she has to understand that choosing this wedding date would result in my family not going?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“About 2 years ago, my brother, my nephew and my mother were in a car accident. My mother died instantly, my brother and nephew passed away the next day.:
“My family was small: just me, my husband, daughter, parents, brother, his wife and my 2 nephews . Their loss was devastating for my life and for everyone, even worse for my father and my sister-in-law (SIL).”
“1 year ago, my daughter Betty (25, female) was proposed to by her fiancé and preparations began. During this process, they chose the date based on the day they met 7 years ago.”
“That day is exactly 2 years since the death of my brother and nephew. I tried to talk to her about moving it, because it is still a very difficult date for our family and even for myself.”
“But she insisted saying that the venue had that date available and it would be perfect, because all the other available dates aren’t so good and wouldn’t be so important. I respected her decision.”
“Recently, she sent the invitations to everyone and, as I predicted, my SIL, my nephew (24, male) and my father responded that they would not attend and despite not telling her, my father and SIL told me that the date choice was an offense to them.”
“I decided to remain neutral. I confirmed my attendance and my husband’s.
“Today my daughter called me unhappy that no one but us confirmed—my husband doesn’t have family on his side.”
“Her family part was empty and she expected everyone to go on that date, even more so after she explained the reason to them about the date, but they still refused.”
“I tried to be supportive, but I said ‘Love, this date is difficult even for me, but I will go to your wedding, but you have to understand that this choice of date had this consequence and you would have to deal with the consequences of your choices’.”
“She exploded at me, saying that everyone was against her, it’s not her fault the dates coincided and everyone could make an effort to go a few hours for her, but they decided to just not go and I was basically saying ‘I told you so’.”
“She hung up without me answering and we still haven’t spoken.”
“My husband said he understands me, but I should have stayed away from it.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their predicament.
“Told my daughter she has to understand that choosing this wedding date would result in my family not going.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Some Redditors thought the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
“Soft YTA for sacrificing the living to the dead. Hope you didn’t want to see those grandbabies.
“She will remember your choices forever. And so will you.”
“There are only 365 days in the year, and horrible things have happened on every single day. If you all can’t go because of grief, that’s fine, but everyone calling the bride cold needs to remember that we are only hearing one side of the story.” ~ Sufficient_Lynx7869
“YTA. People have the right to set their wedding whenever they want and your daughter was trying to get the perfect venue on a date that was special to her. Your family is the a**hole for not showing up to a wedding.”
“Would they have gone to a wedding that was on that date for somebody unrelated?”
“She wants to get married on a day that special to her and her fiancé, even if bad things have happened on that day.”
“There is not a date in the entire calendar that bad things have not happened on.” ~ Ok-Look1776
“My husband died unexpectedly a few years ago, at the young age of 40. He was a devoted uncle of his two nieces.”
“One niece decided to get married on the one year anniversary of my husband’s death. The date was picked because she’s a teacher and it was over spring break.”
“I dreaded the event…but the truth was, it was just a day. A pleasant day. The wedding kept me from mourning the day—and the reality is that the anniversary date wouldn’t automatically make me sad.”
“I found that it was random things that would make me sad. Having to go to the wedding alone. Having someone say something thoughtless.”
“It ended up that the wedding helped ease that one year anniversary.”
“So maybe the family should go—but have an exit plan for themselves, just in case. But only go if you can leave YOUR trauma at home. The day is about the bride and groom.” ~ Jitterbug26
“So….since some of your family died on this day years ago, it will forever and always be a day of mourning and no one is allowed to be happy or celebrate a life event?”
“Sad for your daughter to find out that the dead mean more to her family than the living. Poor girl should just take the wedding money and elope, since her family doesn’t care enough to be there for her.”
“Yeah, you said you’d go, but the rest of the family kinda suck.” ~ PuddyTatTat
“YTA. Dates can be hard and bring up bad memories, but finding reasons to support people we love on those dates isn’t that hard. I’ve done it on the dates my parents died for people I care about.”
“I get mourning those who mean something to you, but life moves forward. This date is important to them for other reasons.”
“The family that choose to not show up are going to lose a lot more in this process.” ~ Own_Championship4180
“YTA. Why are you choosing—and yes, that’s what you’re doing—to privilege your deceased mother, brother and nephew over your daughter?”
“Even though you’re going to the wedding, which is great, you’re still telling her that she’s in the wrong for picking this date.”
“I’m sorry, but they’re dead. They don’t care that you’re giving them that day.”
“If they were somehow aware of it, I guarantee that they’d be sad that you were prioritizing remembering their death over your own daughter’s life.”
“They can also be grieved, honored, remembered, and cherished any day of the year that you choose to.”
“But what your daughter is going to remember is that you have chosen the dead over her, right there, standing in front of you.”
“This choice of date had this consequence and she will have to deal with the consequences of her choices.”
“And you, and all of your family members, are going to have to deal with the consequence of your choice to give more importance to people who are no longer here to receive it over her, which is.” ~ Cent1234
But the majority decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. What she doesn’t realize is that many of the family members she has invited probably have major prior plans for that date to recognize their loved ones.”
“They are already committed, and she is now pissed off because they won’t cancel their prior commitments at her demand.” ~ CatteNappe
“NTA. I mean, you told her exactly why this would happen and she didn’t listen. I think she was more upset in front of you than at you, if that makes sense.”
“She’s venting. But also kinda thoughtless to think that everyone would just swallow their grief to watch her get married on a really painful anniversary.” ~ BetweenWeebandOtaku
“This is still a fresh wound for many of them. Especially for the grandfather. NTA OP.” ~ Kitsune_Scribe
“NTA at all. She was warned and chose to proceed anyway.”
“She was free to choose whatever date she wanted, but it was heartless to expect the family to show up for her big party and forget what date it was.”
“Did she really expect her cousin to forget about losing his Dad, Brother, and Grandma on this date a few years ago? That makes her the a**.” ~ Scribe62
“NTA, either she picks a different day or should expect most of your family to not come.”
“Personally, I’d have a hard time celebrating my wedding on the exact same day my grandma, uncle, and cousin died. The fact she’s taken it this far is already gross, and she should hope it’s not too late to change the date and beg for forgiveness.” ~ saberzerqx
“NTA. I don’t think you were saying ‘I told you so’, but you told her what would happen and it happened. So ‘I told you so’ would be totally valid.”
“There are 365 days in a year. She could have picked a day where her family isn’t grieving.” ~ jadeariel12
“NTA. It isn’t your daughter’s fault that she & her fiancé met about the same time her family members passed.”
“It is her fault, however, that she still chose that day as her wedding day, knowing the hurt that day brought to her loved ones.”
“You tried to warn her, but she didn’t care, and now she’s suffering the consequences of her actions.” ~ MamaH1620
“NTA—this feels like a situation where you bore the brunt of her upset because you are the one who is trusted and in conversation with her. That sucks but doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong.”
“It probably means you have done something right, which is to talk to her about this being difficult in a way that meant she vented to you about her frustration. This is a really tough situation all around.”
“I can see why she wants the focus to be on this date from one angle, which is a beautiful and loving one. It’s also not realistic to define it for others, for whom it is a devastating anniversary that is going to colour everything.”
“She can feel upset about that, and really of all the days, it is unfair of the universe that these things line up this way and always will. But it doesn’t obligate anyone else to do or change a single thing they need to do on a day that is about deep grief for them.”
I sort of wondered if at some level this is its own kind of grief reaction, depending on how close she was to your late family members. It’s almost a kind of magical wishful thinking to behave like she can redefine the meaning of this date for the people in your extended family.”
“Like, unless she is a consistently selfish or difficult person, this is a choice that is so strange and insistent in the face of reality that it feels a bit unhinged, which I don’t mean in a mean way.”
“I also wonder a bit about whether grief that’s still being processed is in the mix, given the way she framed it in her call with you—that if they cared they’d make the effort and come, as though this is a referendum on love for her vs love for the people lost.”
“It might be way off base, but I wonder if some element of her grief is comparing herself or survivor’s guilt or something that’s in the mix around what is a strange choice in the face of an awful loss in a close and small family.” ~ Margenius
“It’s also the day when a husband lost his wife, his son and his grandson.”
“It’s also a day when people lost a mother, a brother, and a nephew.”
“She can have the day she chooses, but she can’t demand people be present on the day that brought them so much grief and heartache.”
“It’s been 2 years She doesn’t get to demand when people get over their grief. NTA.” ~ penguingirl18
Ultimately, this is a conflict between the bride and her grandfather, cousin, and aunt.
The OP can’t force the bride to change the date or force her maternal family to attend the wedding.