"My house, my rules" is a common refrain between parents and children. But what about when the child becomes an adult?
And what's a reasonable versus an unreasonable rule? Who gets to decide?
An adult child turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after clashing with their mother's house rules.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Whatisthis_63 asked:
"AITAH for telling my mom off after not letting her see a package I received?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"For context, im recently 18, and for my birthday, my good friend from Canada wanted to send me a package with a couple things in it (he wouldnt tell me initially since it was a surprise what was in it) and today the package arrived."
"now I had already told her a week before it was coming, and I got an earful about how you know 'dont give out our address blah blah blah' this is not something I have a problem with, I understand that you must be safe in this world, however ive known this person for 4 years now, done thousands of video calls with, very close friendship, extremely trustworthy so, i didn't mind giving my address."
"however today the package arrived, and I went to my room to open it in private because I didn't know what was gonna be in there and my friend had said some items were of sentimental value, this royally pissed off my mother, who immediately started saying 'why not, whats in the package, why are you being so weird, whats in there thats not allowed in this house'."
"i have grown up with very little privacy, she helicopters me so hard I dont even want to go outside or be my own person out of fear shes gonna barge in my life and not let me be myself as she hasn't my entire life, ive been basically limited to the door on my room and that's it for privacy, i feel so shut it from the world because of my mom."
"and so now that im finally 18 and can push back, today I did, I told her first 'there's nothing inappropriate in the box, its from my friend, it has sentimental value to me, something that doesn't concern you as he's not your friend' and she started screaming at me."
"'no you need to tell me what goes on, and your acting weird as hell opening packages without telling me whats in it' and she kept repeating herself over and over 'whats inappropriate in it' as if trying to catch me in a lie, there really wasn't anything nsfw in it, it was just some bracelets and a photo of his cat and some cool exotic chips."
"however this is for me, not her, and i lost it at her after she screamed at me, I told her shes been a helicopter parent my whole life, and she needs to f*ck off and let me be my own person, she has even said now that im 18, dont expect things to change as I still live under her roof."
"i addressed that, i told her she needs to get a grip and get off me, ive barely been able to live my life as it is because of my very little privacy in doing what I want, I screamed at her, let it all out, told her she was one of the most annoying people ive known my entire life, and now she hasn't spoken to me since."
"Ive recognized growing up shes done many toxic things, but thats for a different time and place, now im feeling kind of bad I let loose on her, and wondering if there was a different way I should've gone about this?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to want privacy (NTA).
"Growing up I didn't know what privacy was. My dresser and closet were gone through, diary read and if there was something that wasn't right I'd come home and find everything I had in a big pile in my room, stuff swept off the dresser top, bed stripped, mattress shoved on the floor."
"And I'd have to clean it all up. It was like she had a temper tantrum and just tried to destroy everything. And then threw another tantrum when I said I was moving out. Like it was a big secret that I hated it at home. I left the minute I could. So, no, no 1000 times no....NTA!!!"
"This was my stepmother. My mother died when I was 5 and dad was an over the road trucker. I think when he found out in later life what we went through, he was horrified."
"It's not like I was a perfect. I did a lot of crap that was wrong as a teenager (no drugs or booze) just busting curfew, etc... but me and my sisters didn't deserve what we got." ~TechnicalAd8179
"I had a stepfather like that, same deal almost exactly. I was told how much of a problem I was, how much he did for me and that it would be easier if I left or died. He got mad when I left for college, tried to get me barred from the military, among other things. OP NTA 100%." ~ badpuppeh76
"I used to write in my diary when I was like 12 or 13. I remember my aunt slipping and telling me that she read my diary. I felt so hurt and violated that I havent been able to write in a diary since. Now I feel like it will never be private and anyone can get access to my private thoughts. It truly is a violation. ~ Traditional_Yard_404
"I moved out when I was 18 for the exact same reason except that it was mostly my Dad on me all the time."
"If you don’t want to deal with this you will have to do the same. It WILL get worse now that you are an adult because she is losing her control over you."
"That said, it is her house, so yes, either choice will be a hard one."
"I do have to say that now that I am much older and my Dad passed away last year, I do not regret moving out and taking on the hardship of doing so one bit, but I recognized much later that Dad loved me and wanted to shelter and control me so I would not get hurt."
"Sometimes parents do go too far, but knowing after you are through it that this is how they deal with things and show their love, even if it is just whacked to deal with, knowing is half the battle."
"Best Wishes to you, you have a lot to think about." ~ Honest-Muffin6242
"A parent who loves their child doesn't abuse them. Your dad didn't love you enough to learn how to be a parent so he didn't actually love you. Abuse is never a way to show love or care."
"Half the battle is recognizing how f*cked it was and how this should've never happened. Growing up after trauma is recognizing that your parent was a POS for doing this. It's accepting that your parent should've never treated you this way. Saying this is how they show love means you're justifying their actions which is lowkey Stockholm Syndrome." ~ delinaX
"There are times when you have to return the energy given to you. You were not abusive in return to her outburst."
"Begin to prepare an exit strategy, even if you believe your mother won't put you out, you do not know 100%. Whatever that looks like. Don't be blindsided."
"Contact other family members or friends who maybe open to letting you crash until a more permanent arrangement can be finalized. Get your important papers/document in a centralized location and secure it and/or copies."
"Don't be stranded and not able to function. Believe me, being pushed out and desperate has happened more often than you know." ~ Lucky_Log2212
"Unfortunately this is what it takes even if there is a possibility of creating a positive relationship with this type of parent. Put your ducks in a row, get ready to move out, and tell them 'you can kick me out for any reason, but if it is because of this reasonable boundary I've set then you will never hear from me again'."
"Usually moms engaging in a**hole behavior don't actually want to be out of the picture and will behave themselves if they have no power and are told how to behave in order to maintain the relationship—and if it's a lost cause then you'll find out real quick and the backup plan is the only thing you have." ~ UndetectedReentry001
"I had absolutely no privacy also growing up and I resented it deeply. I would come home to find my clothes thrown away or she had thrown other stuff out of my closet away."
"So when I'd been out on my own for about 6 years, my mom came over to my house one time and we were visiting and I went in the kitchen to get something and when I came back out in the living room she had my desk door open. I asked her what she was doing and she just brushed it off."
"I told her she was not welcome to go through my home and that if she was going to continue to do that she wasn't coming back until she could respect my privacy. She left and didn't speak to me for 4 months. As if that was punishment, lol. But she didn't do that crap again." ~ NamasteNoodle
"NTA. Sometimes, you need to scream louder to be heard. Screaming in general is disrespectful, but you know what's also disrespectful? Constantly accusing your child of doing something bad, with no proof. Parents who treat their own children like that deserve a push back."
"Oh, and try to find a job, move out, and do it soon, because you and that box of stuff might find yourselves locked out of the house one day." ~ Stock_Particular6525
OP may be stuck with their mother's rules or risk being kicked out.
Maybe an exit strategy and finding somewhere else to live would be best.
