Driving is a big part of life for literally billions of people.
Some people love to drive, and the open road is their savior.
Other people like to drive because they don't trust others to drive safely.
And then there are people who refuse to drive or suffer anxiety over having to do it.
That open road can also be dangerous, but most people can't ignore it forever.
Or can they?
Redditor Randomwhitelady2 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"My kid wants me to drive 3 hours a day taking them to/from work. I said no. AITAH?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My 20-year-old child was offered a job 45 minutes from our house."
"They have no driver's license yet, and a car was given to them, but they do not drive due to having no license."
"They were just offered a job at a location 45 minutes from our house."
"Taking them to/from work every day would take me 3 hours."
"I work from home, and I have responsibilities."
"Also, I just do not want to drive for 3 hours daily."
"I wouldn't do that for ANY job."
"My kid says I should be supportive and drive them, but I am just not going to do it."
"I told them that this was an unreasonable request, and I'd be willing to do one trip (1.5 hours) only."
"There isn't run public transportation here either."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITAH?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Good decision, Randomwhitelady2. "
"You are definitely NTA."
"Your child has the options of 1) getting a license and..."
"2) applying for jobs accessible via public transport."
"You already chauffeured them into this world."
"No need to chauffeur them to their jobs as well." ~ PhilosophicalWarPig
"For some reason, I highly doubt that you would get reimbursed for gas and wear and tear, much less your time."
"NTA. In the summer that I was 15 (GenX), I wanted a job so badly."
"But the nearest grocery store I could get hired at was further than I wanted to ride my bicycle on a busy highway."
"Maybe 4 miles."
"I didn't even have the nerve to ask my mother to drive me there and back."
"The next Summer, I was 16 and had a full license to drive."
"The parents let me use one of their cars, and I got a job at Six Flags."
"It was fantastic, and I'm sure my parents thought that letting me use their car for work would be a good trade-off for having the house to themselves for nine hours a day."
"I don't know."
"There's a different priority with the last couple of generations."
"In the early 80's, I absolutely couldn't wait to get my license."
"It was my ticket to freedom."
"There was no internet and no cell phones."
"So, in order to discover more about the world, I actually had to go out in it."
"The set of Encyclopedias would only get me so far."
"So, perhaps this generation is already so connected that they feel no urgency to drive." ~ ImaginaryPark6311
"Insurance costs are much higher than when you were a teen."
"I'm a parent of teens, and a lot of my peers are not encouraging their kids to get licensed because we cannot afford the insurance."
"My kid got a license as soon as he turned 16. "
"It costs about $400/month to insure him. Just him."
"My youngest has no desire to drive."
"Thank God they just finished the light rail by our house." ~ CalamityClambake
"The entitlement of the child is wild."
"I'm guessing they have been coddled along the way even to think that's a reasonable option."
"OP it sounds like you need to start setting more boundaries to help this child transition into adult life rather than enabling them to stay dependent." ~ shutyoursmartmouth
"Does your state (or country if outside of the U.S.) require drivers over 18 to hold their provisional license for a specified period of time?"
"In my state, if you are over 18 and have a provisional license, you can immediately take your driver's test to get your license. There isn't a waiting period."
"Obviously, this varies by state/country, but to be honest, I never even considered it until someone I knew got their license this way, and it blew my mind because I thought everyone had to wait six months regardless of age."
"NTA in any case."
"You have your own job and responsibilities and cannot waste that much time every day driving them around."
"It's different if it's once in a while, like if their car was in the shop or something."
"Every day is too much, especially considering you said they didn't even consult you before applying for the job." ~ trashgoblin2547
"NTA. unless you gave a car to a kid without a license."
"If it were 20 minutes away? Give the kid a lift."
"Get yourself a nice coffee or a breakfast and start the day slow."
"But 45 each way? Hell no." ~ Smashy-B
"My kid wrecked my car, and I got a new one that he wasn't allowed to drive."
"He got a beater, but it broke down quickly, and it didn't make a bit of sense for me to pay to fix it."
"I gave him time and a deadline to find a ride to/from work."
"It was 45-60 minutes there and back every Saturday and Sunday, meaning about 3-4 hours per day for me to do drop off and pick up."
"It cost me more in gas than he made."
"He was SO mad at me for 'making' him quit. I really think it took him a long time to stop being mad about it."
"You have to do hard things sometimes."
"And it sucks to be seen as the bad guy."
"NTA though." ~ ODB247
"NTA for not driving them to work."
"The bigger issue is it seems you've enabled some learned helplessness."
"Just the fact that your kid thinks it's reasonable even to ask you to drive them 3 hours round trip speaks volumes."
"Also, you mention your kid may have anxiety/ procrastination that's preventing them from getting their license."
"What are you doing to address this?"
"Might they possibly have undiagnosed A[ttention]-D[eficit]-H[yperactivity] D[isorder] or some neurodivergence?" ~ Ornery-Process
"NTA. The kid needs to get the driver's license pronto."
"Take them to the D[epartment] of M[otor] V[ehicles] and have them do their test."
"Otherwise, they need to learn to plan better."
"At 20 years of age, they can't expect their parent to bail them out because of their poor planning." ~ goldenfingernails
"NTA and based on your responses you have made it way too comfortable to just avoid responsibility."
"They need to figure out adulting even if it makes them uncomfortable."
"Make them drive whether they like it or not and don't do anything for them until they agree to start shouldering some responsibilities."
"Lemme guess... they're doing nothing but sticking their face in a screen and living like a perpetual adolescent since graduation two years ago?"
"They need to take over the responsibility of driving."
"Having their mother do it at 20 is unacceptable."
"Give them a deadline to begin learning, or the free rides stop." ~ Inner-Try-1302
"You do not need to be supportive if your child doesn't care enough to get their own driver's license."
"Index cost of Uber both ways and how many hours a child needs to work to pay for an Uber."
"Give the child a list of driving schools that are being supportive, then explain you are not supporting your child wanting to remain dependent."
"Though this is your child, this person is an adult and needs to do adult things." ~ Slightlysanemomof5
"NTA. My son is 18 and refuses to get his license."
"He asks for a ride to work 5 minutes away, and I still tell him no."
"He made a slew of bad decisions in his young life, and he's going to deal with the consequences of that, not me." ~ AlisonChained
"NTA. Also, is this a thing with the younger generation?"
"Several coworkers have had a similar issue with their kids, jobs/school, and lack of motivation to get their license even with their own vehicle."
"I don't know, I just find it odd." ~ profanesublimity
"They have their own car—which is more 'support' than most kids get—and they've yet to get their license?"
"What has been stopping them for the last 5 years?"
"NTA. You're certainly not obligated to make that trip, and it's extremely entitled of them to expect you to do so."
"They should probably work on getting their license so they can stop being a drain on you."
"They're lucky you're still supporting them at all, seeing that they're 20, unemployed, and still living at home." ~ Zutthole
"One of my kids did the same thing a few years ago."
"He accepted a job that would have required me to drive him there at the worst time of the day, so about 90 minutes there, then 90 minutes for me to get back home."
"Going back to pick him up would be about 60 minutes, then another 90 to get home again."
"That would have been a grand total of 5.5 hours a day, 5 days a week, of me losing my mind in traffic, wear and tear on my car, and my gas, all at no cost to him."
"I didn't tell him no."
"I told him hell no."
"I made him get a job at the Walmart Neighborhood Market 2.1 miles away from my driveway, telling him he needed to learn how to deal with people first and foremost, and grocery stores are perfect for dealing with every kind of person."
"Even serial killers have to buy food."
"He was there for two years, bought a car, and became friendly with several business owners/customers, one of them offering him a job."
"He's a plumber now, and he earns far more than he would have ever made at that first job offer."
"He thanks me all the time now for..."
"A) making him learn how to fold towels..."
"B) teaching him to cook, and..."
"C) making him get a job where he learned to deal with and talk to all kinds of people."
"I was not TA, and neither are you." ~ cometshoney
"NTA, it's around this age we start learning personal responsibility and handling your own s**t."
"So while I think you should reiterate you are in support of them, for you personally it would be straining and uncomfortable to make the commute and you do not have much capacity for it."
"This shows them that you are a person, too, and not just Mom." ~ Niccccc9
"I have a 26-year-old who, due to an anxiety disorder, never learned to drive."
"He has a license, just won't use it."
"He went away to college, then moved 1000 miles from home."
"There's no mass transit for him either."
"He takes an Uber to work."
"He's making it work."
"Where there's a will there's a way."
"Plus, I stopped being a chauffeur when he graduated high school."
"Good luck!! NTA." ~ Perfect_Safety15
"NTA. Their lack of planning (in getting a license) is not your emergency."
"You're a parent of an adult, not an Uber driver." ~ mike-foley
"NTA that's an unreasonable request from anyone."
"Maybe see if they can find a similar job closer to home." ~Zealous_moron
OP came back with more information...
"I use the words 'child' and 'kid' because they are nonbinary, not because I am implying that they are not an adult."
"They did have a learner's permit at once and allowed it to expire."
"They did not want to learn to drive with our cars because we have two stick shift vehicles."
"They have had a car for 4 months that is not a stick shift."
"A long-standing anxiety disorder/therapy is ongoing."
"We moved to the country (not near public transportation) one year ago from a more urban suburb with public transportation."
"My adult child does currently have a job 20 minutes away, and I spend 1 hour and 20 minutes each day going to/from there."
"This is due to driving there, going back home (I work from home), then going back later to pick them back up."
"For everyone telling me that I need to 'check my math' or something of that nature: dropping someone off at work (then going home), then picking them up later in the day (I work from home, so this means driving back to get them) is FOUR 45 minute trips, not two."
"This is a very basic word problem, and the solution is that all of these 45-minute trips equal 3 hours."
"45 x4=180 minutes."
OP is with you, Reddit.
It sounds like it's time for your baby to realize they're no longer a baby.
They have a car already. It's time to use it.
The anxiety is unfortunate, so hopefully, therapy will be helpful.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp