Losing a loved one suddenly and tragically is too much for many to handle.
Life is so short and so precious.
One thing about death, though, not every person who dies is a good person.
And for their victims, mourning may not be in the cards.
Redditor biogreendiff wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not going to my brother's funeral after our last conversation "
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am 30, and my brother was 34."
"Over the last few years, our relationship had been getting worse."
"We constantly argued over small things, and he was always making snide remarks about me."
"Eventually, he started doing it in front of my G[irl]F[riend]."
"If the conversation was about work, he would say that at least one of us has a real career."
"If we talked about money, he would say I was lucky to find a girl who tolerates my financial issues."
"It was always framed as a joke, and if I got upset, he told me I had no sense of humor."
"I tried to avoid conflicts for the sake of our parents, so I just started skipping family events."
"Two years ago, I went through a very rough patch."
"I lost my job, was living paycheck to paycheck, and struggled with debt."
"During a family dinner, my brother started picking on me."
"First, it was the usual stuff, but then he said in front of everyone that our parents wasted their time raising me because only one of us turned out to be a normal person."
"Our mother told him to stop, but he just smiled."
"He then added that if he were our parents, he would be ashamed to have a son like me."
"I just got up and walked out."
"A few days later, he texted me something completely casual as if nothing had happened."
"There were no apologies."
"I replied that I did not want to speak to him ever again, and we haven't spoken since."
"A few months ago, he died in a car accident."
"When my parents told me, I was in total shock."
"Despite everything, he was still my brother."
"However, on the day of the funeral, I did not attend."
"I just could not bring myself to stand there and pretend that everything was fine between us."
"My last memory of him is him humiliating me in front of my family and my girlfriend during the worst time of my life."
"Now my parents think I am a horrible person."
"They say the funeral was not for him, but for the people who are left behind."
"Now I am not sure anymore."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yes, funerals are for those left behind."
"You are one of those left behind, and you felt better staying home; you are as entitled to your feelings as your parents are entitled to theirs. NTA." ~ Artistic_Bookkeeper
"Exactly! I had years to come to terms with my biological father, so I went to his funeral for his sister, who is another mother to me."
"I did NOT go see him in the hospital with her when we knew the end was imminent."
"She understood and supported that and told someone who asked where I was exactly why I was not going, and I was justified in it."
"I'm sorry for OP and his mother that this all happened without enough time to make peace, so he could be there for her, or she could accept and support his not being there."
"But OP is absolutely NTA." ~ audioaddict321
"Absolutely. Sorry mom and Dad, he was an a**hole to your other son, and you did nothing. Now you’re upset because he didn’t go."
"NTA, OP." ~ Successful-Cat-6344
"To hear people speak positively of someone who was so unremorsefully rude about him wouldn't be good for OP. "
"His brother's death doesn't erase his past words or the bad relationship those words led to, and it doesn't change that he was an a**hole to OP nor that he never made any effort to have a better relationship between them." ~ lemon_charlie
"Yup. Hopefully OP can bury his anger and resentment (which is justified, by the way) with his brother and move on with his life."
"I am estranged from my toxic siblings, and I totally get it. NTA." ~ Crafty_Original_7349
"NTA. You didn't owe him a performance after he spent years humiliating you."
"A funeral doesn't magically erase the last thing he chose to be to you, and sitting it out bc you couldn't fake it isn't the same as celebrating his death."
"Plus, your grief counted too." ~ Georgette-William
"Your mom is right about funerals, but I still don't think you're TA."
"I didn't go to my father's funeral because I also didn't want to pretend, nor could I sit there and hear people talk about what a great guy he was."
"NTA OP.." ~ Cold_Dead_Heart
"NTA. I don't think there was a good option here, but prioritizing your own mental health is seldom wrong."
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry that your brother passed when your relationship was in such a bad place, and I hope you reach a point where you find peace with it." ~ temperedolive
"NTA. Your parents are pushovers and should have had your back two years ago."
"Tread carefully around them."
"While they’re grieving, you are an adult and have every right to determine your relationships."
"Hang in there, OP!" ~ lanie1017
"NTA. It's completely up to you whether or not to go to any funeral, let alone someone you had a strained relationship with."
"Leave the funeral for those who want to go, who remember him positively, and won't have to bite their tongues the entire time." ~ This_Daydreamer_
"NTA, though you may regret that decision later, you're still angry with him."
"And that's a valid feeling."
"Your mom is right is for those who are still here, and you're still here and didn't want to go."
"That's your call."
"I can see why she was hurt, because she wanted you to be there to put it all behind you, but if I were a mother, I would be ashamed of my son for being a bully, not for struggling and making it through." ~ cstorm86
"NTA. Funerals ARE for the living, and that includes you."
"This was not the time nor the way you needed to say your goodbye."
"Sadly, you couldn't be there for your parents in their grief on the day, but you have your own complicated grief, too."
"Regardless of how things were between you at the end, you had a 30-year relationship."
"Be kind to yourself, and be kind to your parents. Anger is grief turned outward." ~ Cazzzzle
"NTA. Your parents needed support, that's understandable, but at the same time, you were dealing with shock, grief, anger, and zero closure. So wanting you to perform normal sibling mourning is unfair."
"You really got into a very tough situation, and I suggest working it out with a specialist."
"Sorry to hear this all, that hurts." ~ Erika_Robert
"When someone passes, people tend to want to erase all the bad stuff about them, and the crappy things they did."
"They could have been a horrible human, but there will be people who act like that isn't a fact. If you didn't want to go than that is completely okay."
"You don't want to put on an act like some others do."
"Personally, I believe if you want to talk to your brother, you can do so anywhere, you don't have to go to see their dead flesh costume." ~ FeelingAd3718
"NTA. You’re entitled to your feelings."
"What’s important is that you are at peace with the decision."
"I’m sure people were asking your parents why you didn’t attend and blah blah blah."
"They might be upset because they needed your support too, but what’s done is done." ~ StormyKitten0
"NTA. It's better than going and feeling conflicted there."
"Yes, the funeral was for the people who are left behind, but what about the things he said that HE left behind?"
"It can't be that easy to forgive and forget."
"I hope your parents understand even a bit and know that you still consider him as your brother, but what he said left you in pain, too."
"Just because you didn't go doesn't mean you didn't feel even a slight feeling of grief."
"Sorry for your loss, though." ~ AcceptableSpirit6010
"I'm saying NTA."
"You don't owe the dead anything you didn't owe in life."
"If he is the person who was a massive A-hole, then that's what he was."
"Dying didn't change that."
"Funerals are for those left behind to mourn."
"That wasn't you. I'm sorry your parents could keep him from talking out his a**."
"DNA doesn't define family ties."
"I'm just a random on Reddit, so take this how you will."
"You deserve better."
"Good luck." ~ thr08aweigh
"NTA. When people say funerals are for the people left behind, they mean you."
"You are the people left behind."
"He was a terrible brother, and you didn't want to go to the funeral as part of mourning him, and so you didn't."
"I wish good things for you." ~ xarajaz
"NTA. Funerals tend to be for the living, so they can celebrate and pretend that the dead person was somebody worth celebrating, and that isn't always the case."
"You did what you needed to." ~ SitaRose35
This is such a tragic situation on so many levels.
Reddit has your back, OP.
So sorry for your loss.
And so sorry for what you had to endure.
You needed to protect yourself.
There is no shame in that.
Stay strong.
