Some people excuse behavior when it's performed while drunk, claiming that an inebriated person may not be in control of their decisions or actions.
Others, however, claim that true feelings come out while drunk rather than being hidden behind a filter, and even if an accident happens while drunk, apologies should still be made, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor UnderstandingKind757 did not have a great childhood, so it was important to them to have a good relationship with their partner's mother, and for a long time, she was genuinely one of their best friends.
When their partner's mother slapped them while she was drunk on their birthday, not only was the Original Poster (OP) hurt, but they were also triggered, reminded of their childhood.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being triggered by my partner's mother slapping me in the face on my birthday?"
The OP thought that they were finally going to have a nice birthday, but they were wrong.
"My last three birthdays have been terrible. The one last year, I went to bed in the bathtub crying because the people at my party got into a screaming match and would not calm down, despite me begging."
"This year, it was wonderful until it wasn’t. I will call my partner's mother 'M' for this."
"To preface, I grew up with a VERY abusive mother, which actually resulted in me having severe anxiety, PTSD, and stress-related infertility, something that sucks, yes, but I do not use it as a crutch in my daily life."
"My partner knows this, and so does their mother. Their mother and I have always been close, and she over the last six years become a defacto mother figure to me. To the point that she told me I could always rely on her, that she hates my bio mom for what my bio mom did to me growing up, and asking me to put her in my phone as ‘Momma M.’"
"She and I were honestly very close, and she was one of my best friends despite being my partner’s mom."
Then everything changed on the OP's birthday.
"This year's birthday went great. The day of my birthday, my friend had a bridal shower. I really wanted it to be about my friend and not my birthday, so I didn’t tell anyone there it was my birthday."
"I was at the bridal shower the majority of the day. When I got home, I didn’t expect anything for my birthday at all."
"And I was really happily surprised when my partner and his mother prepared a little surprise party for me with cheesecake and balloons and gifts."
"I was really, really happy, and I felt like I was finally turning a new chapter and that I could have some happiness on my birthday when the last three have been really, really bad."
"As the night progressed, M had several drinks, about 24 of them (she brought a 24-pack of Truly for herself and drank the whole box of them), and at some point during the night, when I was watching a movie in the living room with my partner and M, M decided to use the spare room to go sleep."
"She was in there sleeping, and according to her, I laughed 'too loud' at something in the movie. M came out and was very drunk and telling me that I couldn’t laugh."
"I thought it was kind of ridiculous, so I laughed a little bit again, thinking she was joking, and I was like, 'I’ll turn the volume down, sorry.'"
"Then she just reeled up and backhanded me on the face."
"My partner immediately jumped up to push her away from me. And in the process, M also dug her acrylic sharp nails into their arm, cutting and bruising them badly. This then began a fight between them, where my partner was telling M he was going to call the police, and M kept threatening to punch my partner."
"My partner then called her out for acting like my Bio mom and saying how disappointed he was by M behaving how she did."
"M just kept screaming that she did not care."
The OP couldn't look at their partner's mother in the same way anymore.
"I myself, I’m unfortunately used to and familiar with parental abuse. My partner, however, is not and was very, very shocked and angry."
"I wasn’t angry. I was more triggered. I was sad and disappointed that someone I trusted would behave like that to me, especially on my birthday."
"It brought up a whole lot of feelings I had dealing with my own biological mom growing up. I trusted M, and then suddenly it was a 180° after this slap, and I am now very afraid of her."
M also never apologized to the OP and had no intention of doing so.
"It’s been a decent amount of time since then, and not once has she reached out to me, even though she has been in our house many times to see my partner and talk to them or spend time here with our cats."
"Every time she comes here, I just stay upstairs in our bedroom, to the point where my partner goes downstairs to get food for me if she is here late."
"I just don’t feel comfortable going down there and seeing her in my space. I’ve been struggling with a lot of PTSD with her being in my space, not feeling safe in my own home, and feelings of betrayal that I’m feeling."
"I don’t feel comfortable or okay going down there and seeing her in our space. I honestly just feel so unsafe around her in general now."
"My partner is definitely struggling with this because they feel as if they’re in the middle of us. They are rightfully so very upset with M and her behavior, but M is their mother."
"They are very bad at confrontation, and they did try to talk to M at one point when she was here, and they came back upstairs, genuinely trembling and shaken."
"I gave M and myself a few weeks to decompress from the situation. She has not said anything to me in person or over text, but M has apparently told my partner, 'I think she (me) should apologize,' and she has done the classic, 'Oh, I’m just a HORRIBLE person, huh?' Obligatory self-victimization manipulation tactic."
"I stood firm, and I told my partner I have nothing to apologize for, and I am not the person who hurt anyone."
"I often find myself in situations like this where I have to be the bigger person, and honestly, I’m sick of it, so I didn’t reach out either."
The situation continued to get worse.
"Now to today. I just came home today from a late birthday lunch that I was throwing because my actual birthday was a s**t show, again. I just wanted to spend time with some friends. Even though most of my friends canceled, I still got to see two of them, and it was a very nice lunch."
"When I got home, however, M was there, sitting on our couch. She had let herself in. My partner is at work. "
"To everyone wondering why she can come and go, we rent from her, and she lives not even a block away. She has the keys to this location. If we changed the locks, she would kick us out, undoubtedly."
"She was threatening to ‘make us homeless’ during her drunken rant on my birthday, as well. We work paycheck to paycheck and do not have the money saved to get up and move to another location. It would take a while to save up enough money and even longer to find a new place. She is taking full advantage of that."
The OP tried to face M, but it didn't go well.
"I took a deep breath, and I genuinely did try to be the bigger person even though I told myself I wouldn’t. I said the following:"
"Me: 'M, can we talk about this situation and repair our relationship and squash the beef between us?'"
"M: 'No, I don’t think so. I am sick of you walking around like I am the antichrist, so I don’t want to speak to you.'"
"Me: 'We are both grown adults. I was waiting for you to apologize or show any sign of remorse for the alarming behavior you displayed and enacted on my birthday to me and (partner). But you have not done that or shown any effort. So I haven’t spoken to you.'"
"M: 'I am not in a place where I want to speak to you.'"
"Me: 'Well, when you are mature enough to own up to your behavior, I will be here.'"
"And then I went back upstairs and am now just in my room waiting for her to leave because I don’t want to speak to her or see her."
The OP felt increasingly conflicted.
"I feel like I should be trying harder to mend this relationship, but on the other hand, I did not do anything wrong, and M is 50 years old. You would think at this point in her life she would be adult enough to admit when she made a mistake."
"It feels as if all the years we were so close and I saw her as a mother are now just gone. It is affecting me a great deal, as I thought I finally had someone to fill that role my abusive parent left."
"But now, it feels like to her, none of that meant anything, and she just doesn’t like me anymore, because she did something bad."
"Is this salvageable? Should I even f**king TRY anymore?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some pointed out that the partner's mom had no right, as a landlord or not, to enter the home any time she wanted, and she was clearly using entrance as an intimidation tactic.
"The landlord is NOT allowed to enter your home without proper notice. Usually 24 hours. Or without a valid reason like repairs. Visiting cats is not a valid reason." - RockyBear1508
"Landlords have to give 24 hours' notice that they wish to enter; they can't just let themselves in as they please. You might want to look into moving." - Electronic-Hawk7463
"Renting from her doesn’t exempt her from reasonable notice and limits on letting herself in."
"Generally, there’s a 24-hour notice requirement before they can enter a tenant's unit (exemptions for emergency maintenance usually), and the purpose for access has to be reasonable. It gets sticky when it is family, but your bf needs to enforce some boundaries with her."
"You shouldn’t be trapped in your room because she feels like hanging out in the property you rent."
"Given your long history and relationship with her, this sounds like it came out of nowhere. Has your boyfriend noticed any other unusual behaviors or outbursts from her? Perhaps there’s an underlying issue messing with her? Maybe reaching because I hate that you lost a safe person." - PerspectiveKookie16
"There is a legal framework in place to stop exactly this. There must be some kind of written notice she has to give before entering; usually it'll be 24-48 hours, or if the house is listed for sale, it can be less."
"But she generally will have to let you know she is coming, when she is coming, and why she is coming. She cannot just show up, time and time again and just enter the premises."
"Generally, whatever law will cover this where you live will have a portion stating they can enter anytime with correct notice, so long as it is reasonable and does not majorly affect your life/living space." - Papa_percoat_
"Being your landlord doesn't allow her 24/7 access. She's still abusing you. You need to move as soon as possible."
"Your partner also sucks for allowing their mother in." - Edcrfvh
Others urged the OP to move into a new place and cut contact with their partner's mom as soon as possible.
"Search for a new home, that's for sure. Personally, I would cut off any contact with her and draw a straight line. She showed her true face, and IT will come back, so keep ur peace from those individuals." - Dizzy-Knowledge-3257
"She has you both in the palm of her hands. She can kick you both out whenever she gets ready."
"You don’t have to try harder to mend the relationship. She’s not even your MIL. She’s basically your landlord. There’s really nothing else to talk to her about."
"She really crossed the line, and for that, you shouldn’t feel like you need to be civil with her." - Dutch1721
"The slap was enough, but threatening to make them homeless afterward makes it feel way bigger than just one drunken mistake. That's such a huge power imbalance. The OP and their partner need to move on." - Sufficient-Monthh
"I’m sorry. Of course you aren’t overreacting. She sounds toxic to be around. The fact that she can’t stomach the feelings of remorse and attempt accountability speaks volumes."
"I’m sorry, honey, but you can’t trust her. And I know that must be heartbreaking after feeling like you could. I also had abusive/neglectful bio parents, so I know the hole it leaves in you, and all I can say is I’m so sorry. And I’m sending you hugs."
"You deserve an incredible birthday and so much love." - pfairypepper
"People who drink like that and are that narcissistic will never understand or even know the things they say and do. Good luck getting an apology from her."
"You and your partner need to get the f**k out. If she can’t realize after a few weeks how much of an issue this is, she won’t. Unfortunately, speaking from experience. And if your partner doesn’t have your back on this, that’s not a partner; they’re enabling abuse, and you need to get yourself out of there." - Ramen_Hair
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an unfortunate update.
"Hi all. First, I wanted to thank everyone for their comments and advice. It was much appreciated and lifted the veil of what needed to be done and said."
"Martner and I had a long discussion about how he was enabling her behavior, and he admitted he did want everything to 'blow over.'"
" fter reading comments and attending therapy this morning, he realized that approach was unacceptable, and we needed to be a united front."
"So we talked about what we wanted to prioritize when talking to her: Be united. Do not allow for gaslighting, manipulation, or emotional abuse. Set boundaries. And if she does not try to fix her behavior, we will go no contact."
The OP and their partner attempted to talk to M together, and it went terribly.
"So when M was home, we went over together, sat down, and spoke with M."
"She, as many of you guessed she would be, was very defensive, manipulative, and self-deprecating."
"Her 'apology' was very sarcastic and not genuine whatsoever, and again, she reiterated to us that WE, I, should apologize."
"My partner had hoped she would show an inkling of remorse for her actions and put in the effort necessary to repair this relationship. She did not. My partner is extremely disappointed in her behavior and attitude. I am, too, but less so, as I saw this coming."
"We told her we are the victims in this situation and she is the perpetrator. She then shifted blame to us for a myriad of random things that do not matter, such as, 'You both fight.'"
"My partner (who I am so very proud of for staying strong and firm) replied, 'That is why I am putting effort in, going to therapy, and I haven’t acted the way I used to in months. Because I care about the people I love. And I am not feeling that from you, Mom.'"
The OP and their partner realized no contact would eventually be the best option.
"M went on to say we needed to move out and leave, that she does not respect my partner or me whatsoever and wants us gone."
"We told M okay and that we will take the next few months to save up money, leave, and then cut all contact with her for the foreseeable future."
"Hopefully, this discussion does not cause her to lash out or damage our items when we visit my biological dad in a different state next week. Both our cats are microchipped under our name, so we will be taking them, as well."
"We did not tell her this as we worry she will do something. So that will be a surprise to her."
"When we go, she will be all alone, as she only has one close friend, and we were her friends before this. That is no longer something we want to be. We will leave as she wishes."
"It’s unfortunate, as we had both hoped she was better than this, but she is not."
"As of now, we both blocked her number, stopped sharing our locations, and will not be speaking to her in-person if she is here or we see her around town. As of now, she is no longer a part of our lives despite being in proximity."
"If anyone has any advice on how I can help my partner with the upset I know they will feel that their parent does not care about them, first time homeowner/renters advice, or any general advice, it would be much appreciated."
"This is unfortunately a sad situation, and both my partner and I are very disappointed in M. But it is her hill to die on. If she wants to throw away a relationship with us both, that is on her. Not us."
"If anything else happens, I will update. Thanks again, everyone."
There are some people in the world who refuse to take accountability, even when it means estrangement; they'll still find a way to be the victim in that situation, as well. Though the OP lost a secondary mother figure, it seems that this situation affirmed their romantic relationship, as their partner prioritized them over their mom, which speaks volumes.
