Getting blind drunk and stuck out and about is never fun.
That's why it's always a good idea to have someone who cares to come get you.
Until it's not.
Maybe not everyone needs saving.
Case in point...
Redditor qantalatal wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for overriding my wife's drunken decision?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (35 M[ale]) have been married to Heather (32 F[emale]) for just under 6 years."
"Normally, things are pretty good between us."
"But we've had a huge argument and lately I've been wondering if I'm TA here."
"Last week, her team at the office finished some huge, multi-year project."
"Celebrations all around, and she was going to go in (she usually works remotely) to attend a party."
"Plus ones were not invited, but I had been to some parties from before the plague, and I knew they tended to get pretty raucous."
"So we made arrangements for her to both go and come back mostly by train."
"And I'd drop her off and pick her up at the station at the appropriate time."
"I drop her off around 7PM, and have an evening to myself."
"About 1:30 the next morning, I get a call from Heather."
"She's very clearly very drunk, and saying that she doesn't think she can make it to the train station."
"She's just going to crash on a co-worker's couch, she's there at his apartment right now."
"I asked what the address was, she wasn't sure, managed to get said co-worker's wife, and I got the address."
"Drove over there, picked up Heather (who was pretty zonked out), drove back, got her in bed."
"We didn't talk much the next day."
"But I had just assumed it was a terrible hangover; she's prone to them even when drinking moderately."
"Two days pass and I check in on her."
"And she almost immediately laid into me asking what the hell I was thinking ignoring her express wishes like that."
"After a bit of confusion and her clarifying about picking her up from her co-worker's place, I said that if she was too drunk to walk a few blocks to the train station, I wanted her somewhere where I could keep an eye on her."
"And not at the apartment of a guy I met all of once for like 5 minutes."
"She in turn said that I was paternalistic, insecure, controlling, and borderline abusive for deciding that her co-worker couldn't be trusted and riding off in the dark to come bring her back home."
"We've been low-level arguing about it since, in part because neither of us are willing to back down from our initial positions."
"I maintain that it was the right thing to do to go get her, she says I was wrong to do so."
"I'd rather bring this up anonymously with strangers than go to family or friends about such an intimate argument."
"But for some outside perspective, am I the a**hole here?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA - your wife's reacting in such an on-going combative manner indicates, to me, that she has something she is hiding."
"She should be thankful that you cared enough to go out of your way for her." ~ Smitty_80013
"I wonder if she isn't hiding something so much as thinking she was not in as bad shape as she was."
"And feeling embarrassed that her coworkers saw her husband taking over and treating her like a child."
"Which she needed, because she was probably right on the cusp of peeing on their couch. NTA." ~ Adepte
"The last time I got so drunk that I couldn't walk a couple blocks on my own, I was 18."
"It was embarrassing even then."
"At 32, I would be mortified if my coworkers saw me in that state."
"And her defensive attitude could very well be coming from a place of shame rather than shadiness."
"Plus, the 'paternalistic and controlling' thing that she's pushing tells me that she's worried how her coworkers now perceive her (in a maturity/responsibility sense)."
"After needing to be essentially 'rescued' by OP."
"If she were up to suspicious activities, I think she'd be more likely to push a 'why don't you trust me' argument."
"This is entirely speculation on my part, but I'm trained to pick up on linguistic cues and this is my hunch."
"You're NTA."
"Perhaps ask Heather if you two can explore exactly how this whole thing made her feel."
"See if you two can really see each other's perspectives and come to an understanding of how to handle such situations in the future."
"ETA: regardless of how Heather was feeling, you absolutely did the right thing by going to get her."
"Whenever you're worried about your significant other's safety."
"It's better to be on the cautious side and I definitely would've done the same thing."
"I'd rather have my partner pissed at me than hurt/dead." ~ LavenderGooms_
"Yeah, it sounds like she's got some lingering anxiety to begin with and is displacing that onto him, which isn't really fair."
"She should either sort out what's making her feel that way and/or communicate to him exactly why she is upset."
"NTA, OP. I would definitely go pick up my significant other rather than have them stay at some random spot on the couch."
"And, in her position, I'd much rather have my husband come pick me up so I could sleep/wake up in my own comfortable bed rather than hungover on some random couch." ~ atrocity__exhibition
"Whenever you're worried about you're significant other's safety, it's better to be on the cautious side and I definitely would've done the same thing.""I'd rather have my partner pissed at me than hurt/dead."
"Not only that, but going to get her was simple kindness to the coworker and his wife who were nice enough to bring her to their house."
"I'm sure that the last thing they wanted to deal with that night was a drunk OP's wife, figuring out where she would sleep, dealing with the awkwardness the next morning, etc."
"They were likely relieved when OP's significant other called and wanted to come and pick her up."
"OP, NTA." ~ m2cwf
"Three years ago I stopped at a friend's house and my husband didn't care for because she's a heavy drinker."
"I was actually out walking the dog and stopped for one drink (some form of vodka)."
"Four hours later she had to almost carry me home and I woke up in front of the toilet in my own vomit, with no memory."
"My husband said if that ever happened again it was the end."
"I haven't touched vodka since."
"Was he being controlling, I don't care, he told me the truth, he will not put up with me in this condition and I don't blame him."
"I didn't drink what I apparently drank on purpose, but honestly, I'm too old to be doing that crap, so I stopped. OP. NTA." ~ Limp-Outcome3164
"This does feel like the probable answer."
"Unfortunately, until OP's wife opens up and expresses herself in a straightforward manner, we have no way of knowing for sure, and neither does OP (almost)."
"It doesn't help that other, more sinister possibilities also exist."
"There's also the possibility that OP's wife has a crush on this colleague."
"And in her drunken state, she thought she had a shot with him."
"Part of her combative behavior could be a result of her embarrassment from possibly hitting on a married man in front of his wife."
"In which case, it might help to ask the other guy's wife about OP's wife's behavior."
"It's also possible that OP's wife could be cheating on him with another man entirely and has interpreted OP's actions, from the paranoid state of mind in which cheaters may find themselves."
"As a sign that he's on to her." ~ WriteMeBrah
"NTA - I think she is over reacting."
"One of the most romantic things my now husband ever did when we started dating back in college coming to my dorm when he thought I sounded super drunk to keep an eye on me."
"He went to another university so had to drive across town on a week day."
"This was the moment I knew how much he cared about me."
"I can understand your wife being a little annoyed if she felt you didn't trust her, and that is a conversation worth having."
"But it wasn't controlling to go and pick her up." ~ Dezdrecca
"NTA. She didn't tell you she wanted to stay there the night."
"She told you she wasn't able to walk to the train station."
"It's normal to assume she would rather be home, in her own bed."
"I honestly think it's really sweet of you to look after your wife."
"It's sad that she doesn't see it that way." ~ MaybeAWalrus
Well OP you seem to have a situation on your hands.
Thankfully everyone is home safe, maybe not so sound.
It certainly does feel like it's time for a serious talk.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp