There's a saying, "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm." Sometimes in families and friend groups, it's hard to keep that concept in mind. But blowing up your own life to "save" someone else isn't a proper solution.
It's unlikely to work if the person doesn't actively want help or to make changes in their life. And placing yourself in a situation where you require rescue just creates a new problem while most likely not fixing the original issue.
Flight attendants tell you to secure your own oxygen mask first...
A sister dealing with a family member who needs, but doesn't want, help turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
DysfnctionalDiarrhea asked:
"AITA for ignoring my brother's request to manage my brokerage account?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"AITA for refusing to share my brokerage account info with my brother? My mother called me 10 times tonight asking for my brokerage account login info."
"She wants my brother (36, male, let's call him Jack) to manage my investments because he has free time and low self-esteem. I (39, female) said no."
"For context, Jack lives with our parents and hasn't held a job since college, claiming he’s working on a startup. He has unaddressed anger issues (in high school, he hit a classmate with a tennis racket) and admits he cannot control himself when he 'sees red.' Mental illness runs in our family, but our parents never got him professional help."
"Jack hasn't spoken to our dad in years despite living in the same house. He constantly seeks validation from the rest of us that our dad is the problem."
"A few months ago, Jack tried to bring up the topic of our family trip (second or third time), mentioning that our dad was verbally abusive to our grandparents. I maintained that I wasn't present to observe the exchange (as usual) and said I couldn't give feedback."
"He started yelling and cursing at me, so I hung up. In retaliation, he locked me out of a shared Amazon account containing my credit card info and kicked me off a shared antivirus plan."
"Credit card canceled right after Jack's retaliation."
"I was relieved to cut those ties because sharing finances with him felt like a ticking time bomb. We haven't spoken directly since."
"Fast forward to tonight, my mother feels for Jack and wants to help Jack with his self esteem issues and brought up Jack's idea that I should let Jack manage my brokerage account. I told her absolutely not and that she needs to stop seeing Jack as someone normal that she can cure."
"This conversation was triggered because Jack actually did make money on a recent investment. I don't know which though because I hung up on them."
"She understands that he needs a therapist, but Jack is resistant to the idea. Every time these verbally charged exchanges with Jack happen, I lose sleep."
"My mother and brother do not understand boundaries. When I first pointed out to my brother that he needed to respect boundaries, he reacted as if he never considered the concept before."
"I've shared with her my reasons for not sharing my account information (my brother not being mentally stable) but I was so surprised that she totally ignored my explanation (very atypical of her)."
"I ended up not responding to any of the 10 or more calls she made tonight. I also sympathize with her somewhat because I worry for my brother too. I just can't sacrifice my own mental health for him."
"I have the EXACT same worry that he might verbally harass her which is partly why I'm losing sleep tonight. The first time that she called, I picked up."
"In the background, I heard Jack yelling at her about how dumb I was and something about how she shouldn't need to try to persuade me. Thankfully, he's never physically harmed her."
*OP did have a family friend do a wellness check on mom who was physically fine.
"My dad is currently out of the country. He recently had a stroke, but he is recovering."
"My mother is desperate to help him, but her idea is insane. But tonight was the first time that I observed she's willing to sacrifice me for him. Perhaps she doesn't see it as a sacrifice because her excuse is that there's not much money left in the account anyways."
"So AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Your mother would rather you lose your savings and financial stability to help him. That's unfair as you say. Please change the account details and keep your finances secret from her. Lock down your credit just in case. NTA." ~ Plane_Practice8184
"The fact that she allowed him to explode at you, to lock you out of a shared account, and to de facto allow your bro to run the family with his anger means she has been sacrificing you all along." ~ Jealous-Contract7426
"NTA this is your life savings not a monopoly game. You don’t let your deadbeat brother play banker just because mum says he’s bored." ~ Unlikely_Pool_5484
"I would tell your mother that you're done with the conversation, and mean it. That a continued relationship with you is contingent on her leaving you out of Jack's issues."
"I get why she's being an a**hole, and can sympathize with her, but you don't have to allow her to drag you through it anymore. NTA." ~ Zestyclose-Custard-2
"Your brother wants to steal your money. He probably wants to play some crypto or other risky investment so that he can take most of the profits using your money. Please get therapy to deal with your toxic family members and dynamic." ~ Jealous-Contract7426
"When I read your headline, I naively assumed that your brother was perhaps a finance guy working in the field. Lo and behold, he's just an unemployed bum talking about brokerage accounts?"
"Does he even know what goes into such things? Since when is messing around with someone's finances a cure for low self esteem? It gets more and more ridiculous as I read. NTA and stay away from these people." ~ Fearless-Speech-1131
"Absolutely NTA. Your brother doesn't sound like someone who can be trusted with a piggy bank, let alone a brokerage account."
"You need to tell your mother that the way to help your brother is to get him into some kind of therapy, not give him the means to rob you." ~ Charlie_Parkers_Mood
"That’s a firm NTA. His past actions have given enough reason to say absolutely F**CCCKKKK NO. Getting a real job would also help his self esteem." ~ Sad-Cricket6319
"Honestly, why does your mom know how much money is in your account?... You need to start closing any account she has access to and moving your money into protected accounts that only you can see/access."
"Also, if you haven't already, I would get new credit cards issued for any instances where your brother had previously had access to the information (like the ones on the Amazon account)."
"Last thing, it sounds like your mom and dad are still married and live together, so I would imagine their finances are comingled. You really need to make sure your dad is aware of your brother's current schemes, just in case your mom is thinking of letting your brother handle their investments." ~ PurplePufferPea
After TomorrowIll7182 suggested:
"Just tell her you’ve cashed the account out to end this insanity."
OP responded:
"Holy dumpster fire, I should have done this. I'm doing this. Thank you for the idea stranger."
"I'll move that money to another account they don't know about. I know in hindsight it seems obvious. I'm also not thinking totally straight."
"I sometimes discuss what to invest in with my other brother and Dad. Yup, will be closing this brokerage account and moving the money to something they don't know about."
"We have stereotypical ideas of success. With age, I've come to let some of them go, but for Jack, he's still holding on tight. My parents are absolutely at fault for not seeking help. They have this warped idea that doctors will just shove medication down Jack's throat and he'll be even more mentally disabled."
"My dad actually has more patience than I do for conversations with Jack. My brother has a tendency to engage in very long-winded conversations with other people without giving them time to respond until he's given them 37 questions and statements. I once had an 8 hour conversation with him about our dad."
"Thankfully, I don't live with them so I don't have to do this everyday. However, my dad used to have to do this with Jack everyday and Jack doesn't realize when people are exhausted or doesn't care. During one of these conversations, Jack gave our dad the ultimatum that if he doesn't respect his career choice, then they should stop talking."
"My dad, at the end of his patience, responded that they should stop talking. My dad realized his mistake but I don't recall if he ever apologized. Jack was the one who held onto his promise not to talk to our dad but this stemmed from my dad's toxic ideas of success."
"My mom enables everybody especially my brothers. I don't have much hope that she will change. She has very little capacity for self reflection and thinks being a mother is only to nurture. I've had many conversations with her to stop coddling my brothers and she just laughs at me as if I were making a joke about how nurturing she is. It might take a financial emergency to change her ways."
"I've also said nothing that's useful just now, just ranting. I don't have a good plan for helping my family other than maybe putting distance between my mom and Jack when my mom eventually retires. This only saves my mother."
"I still have no way to convince Jack to see a therapist. The only other time I almost convinced him was just after he had another fit and threw my suitcase out of an apartment during a family trip."
"And yes there will be no more family trips with Jack. That is a lesson I don't need to learn again. I think our relationship is already damned, because I told him that if he yelled at me again, I would stop taking to him (not permanently). He crossed that boundary and I haven't sent him a single message since."
"Jack's self reflection goes out the window when his anger kicks in. He doesn't see his behavior is a problem until after he's yelled at people."
"I've suggested a therapist directly to him. My mom has as well. He agreed at one point (after an episode where he made noises to keep me from sleeping the entire night on a family trip), but has since changed his mind because he fears the therapist may not be knowledgeable or good enough."
OP has figured out how to hide their money, but still is dealing with an abusive relationship. If no one is willing to get help, maybe it's time to distance herself from the situation for awhile.
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