Wanting to help family is a great thing.
But helping family can be difficult.
Sometimes family doesn't accept the help without issues.
That's why boundaries with family are life-saving.
Redditor Few_Cookie8672 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"WIBTA for not wanting to give my room to my mil if she moves in with us?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (37 F[emale[) and my husband (38 M[ale]) bought our first home last year."
"It was a huge accomplishment, and our main drive for doing it was that we had been helping on and off through the years his nieces and nephews who have been in hard situations."
"We ourselves have two special needs kids, and both work full time."
"We are spread thin through helping everyone else, our kids, and work."
"We barely have time for our own self-care and do not like to ask for help since we have always been the helpers and can make it work."
"A few months ago, it became obvious we both could not keep waking up each night every night to tend to our kids who are up frequently throughout the night."
"We decided that we would have separate rooms so that each of us could take turns being on duty for our kids, and to have our own space to unwind after long days."
"Recently, my MIL has been having a hard time and has hinted at moving in with us after our last niece moved out."
"She never seemed serious until today."
"We talked it out and decided to make the adjustments needed so she could stay with us."
"When we approached her with it, she seemed good with the idea and on board."
"The next time I saw her, she asked what room she would be in."
"I pointed it out, and her face dropped."
"She said her bed would not fit in that room and seemed upset we would give her a smaller room."
"The room is the third biggest."
"Her argument was her bed would not fit, as it is a queen."
"I have told her it would fit; our niece had a full-size bed and still a lot of room around the bed to even move up to a queen or king."
"This conversation has come up in the past, and she always asks about the room I am in."
"My room is not only my sanctuary, but also my office since I work from home and have a high-demand job."
"I utilize the space to work as both, so I do not need two rooms."
The OP was left to wonder:
"WIBTA for refusing to give up my space when I have been trying to support others for years? Or is it me being overly sensitive?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA by a long shot."
"You are doing her a favor; MIL can either put up with what you have available or move somewhere else." ~ subtlelikeatank
"Oh, MIL, I’m so sorry it’s not going to work out for you."
"We were looking forward to you moving in."
"Oh well."
"Watch her shift into reverse."
"If she brings it up again later, I’m sorry it’s not working for you."
"When are you moving out?"
"Rinse and repeat." ~ CuriouserCat2
"I just wonder if you truly think you are the AH for not wanting to give up YOUR bedroom in YOUR house for your MIL who is the one needing the favor."
"First, that's nice you've been kind to others in need, but now it would seem others expect it, and you're getting a little resentful of being a giver."
"So just stop giving so much."
"That's ok."
"Your MIL can take or leave the room... that's what's available."
"She's free to find other accommodations." ~ LiveKindly01
"You see that her tactics are all manipulation, right?"
"She's trying to emotionally twist you in knots so that you volunteer your room, or even a different room, without her having to push the issue."
"You are doing an amazing thing by even considering taking her in."
"If a queen bed won't fit into the room, then she can get a different bed."
"Full size. Twin."
"Convertible futon. Murphy."
"There are options."
"Also, it's OK to say no."
"Even to a parent."
"Doesn't make you a bad person."
"Doesn't make you disrespectful."
"Just means this is your home and she does not get the master bedroom in YOUR home."
"Even if she pays rent." ~ raesayshey
"Here is a tiny piece of advice."
"You can’t pour from an empty cup."
"You say yourself you are already burnt out, your plate is full, and you have helped others enough."
"It’s time to take care of yourself."
"Her moving in is already a huge imposition."
"I’m nice too, but if I can’t even take care of myself, then I can’t be taking care of others."
"You have to be a little selfish and take care of yourself, your kids, and your husband only for a little."
"If you still let her move in, make sure she knows she can’t be extra work for you, and she needs to be happy with whatever room you can offer her."
"That’s your house, and she can’t come in demanding stuff." ~ dmarq77
"Look. She just needs to be able to sleep."
"Your room is also your office."
"Do NOT give in."
"If she is unhappy, just say 'I’m so sorry this isn’t working for you. Let us know when you find something else. We will, of course, help you move.'" ~ NiceAd4227
"$500 is a totally reasonable amount of money to ask for, and she's not going to find a room for rent cheaper than that without finding roommates."
"I probably would put most of that money in an investment account, especially since she may eventually need to be in a care home and probably won't be able to afford it."
"DO NOT fold." ~ NYCStoryteller
"OP. Looks like hubby is right."
"She shouldn't be living with you."
"The 500 dollars a month isn't worth it."
"She's already not respecting basic boundaries and will be a nightmare to live with."
"Your room is your office."
"If she were to get any other room with would be your husband's."
"But frankly, her entitlement already is a gigantic red flag." ~ Mera1506
"NTA. You had better think long and hard about inviting someone to live in your home who would be this bold in her demands when she’s not even living there yet."
"Just imagine what’s to come." ~ Classic-Sink-4108
"NTA!!!!! You should post this on /choosingbeggars!"
"She is lucky that you are allowing her to move in with her."
"She should be happy with any space, not making you feel guilty for what your salary works to pay for!!" ~ Ecstatic-Highway-246
"That’s a terrible start to your offer to help her out when she fell on hard times - by immediately being grateful for help and wanting more - by pushing you out of your own space."
"I suggest you tell her it’s that or she finds alternate living arrangements - and then seriously reconsider this arrangement because it’s already off to a rocky start."
"So sorry, OP!"
"NTA, but your MIL is on the way!" ~ sjyffl
"NTA. You and your partner have worked hard to get to the spot you are at today (congratulations on owning your first home in this economy by the way!)."
"Considering you have housed your nieces and nephews while taking care of your special needs children, I’d say it’s very generous of you two to open up a room for your mother-in-law in the first place."
"If she is that serious about moving in with you guys, she needs to accept that it must be on your and your partner’s terms." ~ 442i
"NTA. The bedroom assigned to her is big enough."
"She wants your room because she wants to be the Alpha female in the house."
"She's trying to usurp you as head female in your own home."
"Stay your ground."
"She can find somewhere else to stay if she doesn't like it."
"You need to rethink that offer to help her."
"She hasn't even moved in, and she's trying to make your life harder."
"She's going to cause a lot of strife." ~ Character-Tennis-241
"NTA. Once she moves in, realistically she will not leave."
"You and your husband need to have a serious talk, and then once you two are on the same page, you both need to talk to her about whether this will work before she moves in."
"If you and hubby can't get on the same page, MiL doesn't move in because you two need a united front in all things concerning this, or you will have nothing but conflict in your home until the marriage ends or she leaves."
"Moving into an established household with high needs kids is hard."
"If she's this insistent about taking your room, will she be able to adapt to the kids' routines and needs if it interferes with her routines?"
"It needs to be made abundantly clear that you and hubby call the shots, and that she doesn't get to question your decisions in how the home is run or how space is allocated."
"Best of luck to you and your family." ~ notpostingmyrealname
"NTA- she is moving in because she needs it; it's not like she's helping you with childcare or paying the mortgage."
"It verges on doing her a favor; she doesn't get to dictate the terms." ~ the_real_smolene
Reddit has your back, OP.
This is your house.
She is lucky y'all are opening your home to her.
Stay strong and good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp