Some friendships from childhood and college remain lifelong attachments, but most don't. Who we are as children, adolescents, and teens living on our own for the first time surrounded only by people in the same situation, may not be who we become once we join the "real world" of jobs and responsibilities.
A young woman unsure about her college friends turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Neat_Bit1936 asked:
"AITA for leaving a dinner early after my friends made a joke about me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm 23, female, and I went out for dinner with four of my friends last weekend. We've all known each other for a while, so we're pretty comfortable making fun of each other."
"At some point they started talking about how everyone in the group has changed since college. It was mostly harmless until one of them said I was basically the 'backup friend' of the group because I'm always available when everyone else is busy."
"Everyone laughed, including me at first, because I didn't want to make it awkward. Then another friend said, 'She's not even offended because she knows it's true'.
"They started bringing up random times when I'd been left out of plans and joked that I was basically the person they called when someone cancelled. I laughed it off at the table, but honestly it really got to me."
"I ended up making an excuse that I wasn't feeling well and left early. Later that night, one of them texted asking why I was being weird. I told her that the jokes actually hurt my feelings, especially because some of what they were joking about was true."
"She said I was taking a joke way too seriously and that nobody actually thinks I'm a backup friend."
"I told her that if that's true, they probably shouldn't joke about something they know I'm insecure about. She said she didn't even know I was insecure about it and now everyone is apparently annoyed that I 'made the whole dinner awkward'."
"I haven't talked to them much since. Part of me thinks I should've just laughed it off because they weren't trying to hurt me, but another part of me feels stupid for pretending I was fine when I wasn't."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Them basically pointing out times that they’ve deliberately excluded you is not a joke. Real friends at least ask if you can come every time." ~ Electronic_Count_349
"Sometimes leaving is the most peaceful response. No yelling, no drama, just 'yeah I’m done with this and going home'." ~ petalsandtea
"Just get friends. Because these people aren't friends. Glad you got outta there and made them persona non grata. F that noise. You're better than that mess. They aren't." ~ EggsceIlent
"Real friends don't leave you out deliberately and laugh in your face about it. In the really real world, we call those people bullies." ~ lldavids44
"Sorry, that’s a sh*t thing to find out. They will likely try to relieve their conscience by reaching out to you in some way. I would guess that the best way to protect yourself is to ignore them from here on out. You owe them nothing. NTA." ~ Creative_Piano_4647
"In my experience, bullies will usually get mad at you for standing up for yourself. It's so bizarre, but they can't stand to be embarrassed or held accountable."
"But yes, ghost the sh*t out of them if they try."
"By the way, OP, we know nothing about you from their conversation; we only know everything we need to know about them. Brava, my dear! They suck. You seem like a sweetheart and can do so much better." ~ Practical_Tap_9592
"This internet stranger is proud of you, OP. They don’t deserve you. Don't let them try to convince you to come back either."
"I’ll bet you also helped them financially or paid more than your share at times. And the friendships were one-sided. Remember that.You deserve reciprocal friendships with people who value your time, effort, and attention." ~ km4098
"NTA. Saying I was 'teasing' or 'joking' when saying hurtful things is just a bully's way of trying to diminish the hurt they caused you and to ease what little conscience they have by making it about your 'over' reaction."
"OP: you will be better off without those 'friends'. Loneliness can suck, but it is better than what they did to you." ~ Area51Resident
"Classic gaslighting and DARVO so they don't have to take any accountability for their sh*t behaviour. OP is so much better off without such toxic, frenemy weirdos draining their energy." ~ Busy-Bat9145
*DARVO:
- Deny
- Attack
- Reverse Victim and Offender
"They consider you a B-list friend. That's not a joke even though you laughed. Not because it was funny (it wasn't) but because you didn't want to make things awkward."
"Next time they invite you as a stopgap (and they will, because they don't take you seriously; they even said that in front of you), you can say you have other plans, such as watching grass grow."
"Every plan is an A-ctivity that takes priority over B-list invitations. Find other friends." ~ SpiritedLettuce6900
"You should stir the pot and ask 'I wonder which one of you is going to be the backup friend now?' Then block them all." ~ ElectricalGrape5439
"Good for you! I can still remember a moment, almost 30 years ago at this point, where I called a friend and his dad answered, and I could hear the friend say 'why did you tell her I was home?' and the dad said something I couldn't hear, and then the friend got on and said 'Did you hear that?'."
"I lied and said I didn't, but to this day I wish I had hung up the phone on them instead."
"Honestly, I'm proud of you for getting yourself out of that toxic environment. Stay strong. You will find people who enjoy your presence and don't joke about these things." ~ secret_identity_too
"Proud of you OP! And I promise that when you look back on this in 10 years, you will be proud of yourself, too." ~ SparrowValentinus
"Sad truth is you were their friend, but they weren’t yours. It's a painful realization, but I've been there and I'm happier now and now I only put in effort where I feel effort back." ~ Darth-Adomis
"Instead of her telling you 'you made the whole dinner awkward,' they should be apologizing to you. Glad you've dropped out of the 'mean girls' circle. You'll find kinder friends elsewhere." ~ lifegoeson5322
"It might not be much, but this internet stranger is proud of you too. Yes, realizing people weren't true friends sucks, but think about it this way, you just opened up (3?) vacancies to find new friends who actually want to be in your life."
"The early 20s suck for friendships because we lose a lot of our schooling friends, but we lose them because we are starting a new chapter in our lives (the rest of our lives), and we realize they won't have a positive impact on who we are becoming."
"Use this free time to focus on yourself and who you want to be moving forward. It's a lot like a break up. Get to know yourself, join a club or two, and make some new friends." ~ Environmental_Art591
"They weren't just teasing her; they were listing actual exclusion and expecting her to laugh along." ~ FutureVersion6567
"I can't bear the 'it's just a joke' thing when the joke is about something that's true. It makes no sense. If you have a friend with ginger hair and you make a joke about them having ginger hair, you can't say 'it was just a joke, nobody actually thinks you have ginger hair'. That's not what a joke means!" ~ BritishHobo
"Yep. It'd be one thing if a couple of them had a best friend in the group who wasn't OP, and they had a habit of planning a two-person event and having OP be the second friend to fill in when the best friend fell through, but if the group as a whole is talking about regularly leaving OP out of actual group events... it's a very different scenario."
"I've been the backup friend before. It doesn't get better with time—quite the opposite. You're better off alone than with friends like that." ~ Nyzer_
"They were saying, 'we were mean to you repeatedly until you left—you really made things awkward'."
"You hear how that sounds now, right?"
"NTA. You don't need just better friends. You need real friends. Ditch the college bitches and start fresh." ~ dryadduinath
"I think with people like these, it's actually wiser to not start an argument. That's just gonna make OP feel more like sh*t when these 'friends' inevitably gang up on her and start berating her right at the restaurant."
"You're not gonna convince them they're wrong, and their opinions are worthless, so there's no point anyway."
"OP got herself out of there and decided to drop these people. That's a perfectly good way to handle that." ~ metrometric
OP responded after receiving their feedback.
"I read all your comments, and I want to thank each one of you for your positive and friendly comments. I am not friends with them anymore and will rebuild my life from now on and focus on my mental health. Much love, everyone."
Reddit decided OP needed better friends, and they took that advice.
It's sad to lose friends, but some friendships always had an expiration date.
