When in doubt, it's never a good idea to make a joke at someone else's expense.
Even if you think you know someone well enough and think surely they'll understand what you're saying isn't true, that still doesn't mean they'll find it funny.
Particularly if you make a joke about something that has always been a touchy subject that a simple "just kidding" can't excuse.
The husband of a recent Redditor had a high school friend whom the OP had a difficult time warming to.
Specifically owing to his less-than-G-rated sense of humor.
While the OP usually did her best to brush off this friend's jokes and jabs, she felt that he went too far on a recent visit.
And went on to tell him so in no uncertain terms.
After being scolded by her husband for her conduct, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for calling out my husband's friend after he made inappropriate comments about my son's paternity?"
The OP explained why a recent joke told by her husband's friend turned out to be no laughing matter for anyone:
"I (23 F[emale]) have been married to my husband, Alex (27 M[ale]), for 2 years, and we have a 10 month old son, Dylan."
"Alex has a friend named Mike (27 M)."
"They've been best friends since high school."
"From my first encounter, I did not like Mike."
"He is really childish, likes to be the center of attention, and has a crude sense of humor."
"It's like he never got out of his frat boy phase."
"All of my husband's friends are married or in long-term relationships, whereas Mike has never been in a long-term relationship or has brought any woman around."
"He has also made some weird comments toward me that made me uncomfortable."
"My husband has a deep bond with Mike, and they often go on hunting trips or have boys' nights."
"I've never tried to keep my husband from hanging out with his friend, but I have limited my contact with Mike as much as possible since we've been together."
"Mike came over to pick up my husband to go golfing."
"I was holding our baby when I answered the door."
"Mike greeted us at the door, asked to hold my baby, and was cooing at him."
"Then he said, 'Hey there, man…come to poppa', and my husband and Mike started laughing."
"A bit of background: I have brown hair and blue eyes, and my husband has black hair and brown eyes."
"Our son's hair is coming in blonde, and he has blue eyes."
"Mike has blondish hair and blue eyes."
"I was a bit caught off guard by it but ignored his comment."
"Mike then said, 'He looks like me'."
"Maybe he's mine', and my husband and Mike continued to laugh."
"I was obviously not amused."
"I told Mike to hand me my son and then told him, 'Not in a million years, and no woman with sense would want you'."
"Neither my husband nor Mike laughed at my comment, and Mike just made a face before he and my husband left."
"Later, my husband told me I 'took it too far' with Mike, that Mike was just joking, but I made it personal."
"I told him those comments were disrespectful to me as his wife and the mother of this child."
"He then said it's obviously not true, so why am I so upset when I know how Mike is."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on. where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit largely agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for clapping back at Mike.
Most felt that Mike earned a talking down to for his insensitive, tasteless joke, and that her husband should have stood up for her and not Mike, even if some felt the OP may have gone too far, as by her own admission there was no way what his joke insinuated could be true:
"Ask your husband why Mike's comfort is more important than yours?"
"NTA."- CeramicSavage
"NTA."
"It was a harmless joke."
"Obviously a joke."
"But a joke intended to make your husband laugh as if you weren't even there."
"In fact, the joke doesn't even make sense if you are there because the implication is that he's been sleeping with you behind your husband's back."
"The only way it would work is if the three of you were close enough such that you'd play along (like: 'oh no, well, sorry hubby, the truth had to come out sooner or later' while you put your arm around Mike'."
"But the fact they both laughed, and because you don't have that familiarity, it was hurtful that your husband chose to laugh (somewhat at your expense) as if you weren't even there or only considered what the joke implies about him and not what it implies to you."
"This is the kind of joke you make between friends you know it'll land with, and you are NOT one of those people."
"Your husband's closeness to him does not automatically transitively pass to you because you're his wife."
"Nor should you feel pressured into being comfortable with that level of familiarity being forced on you."
"It wasn't necessarily the joke itself that got you so upset."
"It was the fact he thought he could tell that joke without thinking of you at all, the forced familiarity from both of them, and the way they talked as if you weren't even there and don't see anything wrong with any of it."- jmking
"NTA."
"I would ask your husband if he thinks it's funny that his friend jokes about impregnating his wife without her knowledge."
"I wonder what return joke would not be taking it too far."
"'I doubt it, I bet your sperm is as useless as that joke'."
"'OK let's get a DNA test, you're paying'."- C_Majuscula
"NTA."
"Yeah, you know how Mike is."
"That's why you're upset."
"A joke is only funny if all parties involved are laughing."
"You were not laughing ergo, the joke is not funny."
"Also, why is it okay if a joke is at your expense but not at Mike's?"
"So he can dish it but he can't take it?"
"What a baby."
"Basically, in the words of Marie from Aristocats, 'Ladies don't start fights, but they can finish them!'"
"Mike started the fight by calling you a cheater who would make your husband raise another man's baby."
"You finished it by shutting down his foolishness."- CryptographerFull581
"NTA."
"'You know how he is' is such a f*cking infuriating excuse."
"'He's always been an ahole so let him continue to be one'."
"Your husband doesn't get to choose if you have to be comfortable with this."
"Once I'd be more lenient, but it sounds like Mike just is constantly exhausting to be around and really, why should you give him any slack if he's constantly like that?"
"If you had made a joke about something and insinuated you had cheated, would he have found that funny?"- mudcrabsareforever
"It's so interesting how different perspectives can change how you view a situation."
"For me I would have found it funny."
"I definitely wouldn't have felt the need to insult Mike because of the joke."
"But obviously you have issues with who Mike is as a person, so found the joke insulting."
"I personally feel like your response was a but harsh, but I come from a family of people that joke by insulting each other so not much phases me."
"I'd say NTA because it seems like there is more going on with the dynamics with Mike than just this one joke."- OkToday6170
"NTA."
"'Joking' you had sex with him and the baby was his was inappropriate and you responded accordingly."- Warm_Home6971
"NTA, and that's massively inappropriate!"
"In no world is making that kind of joke about someone else's kids ok, unless, and it's a big unless, you have a close enough and trusting enough relationship with BOTH parents."
"His joke implied her cheating with him, when she clearly and obviously barely tolerates him for her husband's sake."
"What kind of person makes that kind of joke about someone that they are not friends with?"
"That is massive, and I will never understand the people claiming it's ok."- Winter_Wolverine4622
Seeing as the OP made her dislike for Mike abundantly clear, it's safe to say that everyone present knew that there was no way anything Mike said could possibly have been true.
Even so, not many women take kindly to a joke insinuating that they were sleeping around, no matter how far-fetched the joke may be.
Nor should any husband take the side of the one who made the joke over their wife.
True, the OP didn't need to stoop to Mike's level.
But maybe a taste of his own medicine is just what Mike needed.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp