Content Warning: Child loss
It’s totally okay, and even normal, for us to have some differences from our closest friends.
But a big difference that often breaks friendships down is their shared opinion on having kids, cautioned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Suspicious-Hair8165 had decided a long time ago that she was going to be childfree and was aware that her friend was trying to have a baby.
When her friend finally got pregnant, the Original Poster (OP) may have shown her true feelings about their friendship through a joke she told.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for making a joke when my friend told me she was pregnant?”
The OP didn’t share her friend’s excitement about having children.
“My friend Alice (32 Female) and her husband have been trying for a baby for about three years.”
“I (29 Female) am childfree, but this has never caused a problem in my relationship with Alice.”
“We would often joke about this difference, with me telling her stuff like she’ll miss all the disposable income when she has kids and her comparing my dog to a human kid. Neither of us got offended with this joking and it was all in good fun.”
That all changed when Alice shared an important announcement.
“On Friday, Alice, a couple of other friends, and I went out to lunch, and Alice told us that she was three months pregnant.”
“I jokingly said, ‘I’m so sorry. Let me know if you need a ride to the clinic.'”
“Alice flipped out and called me an insensitive b***h.”
“I told her that I was joking, but she wouldn’t hear it, and she ended up leaving. She hasn’t responded to my texts and calls ever since.”
The OP felt conflicted after Alice ghosted her.
“Our other friends are staying out of it and don’t want to give their opinions.”
“I understand that my comment would come off as rude if I said it to a stranger, but Alice knows me and this is how we joke with each other.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood why the OP thought the joke would be okay, given their joking history.
“I’m going with NTA. I mean, that was clearly a joke. Even if they didn’t find it funny, that’s all that would need to be said. But flipping out and calling you a b***h? That’s definitely uncalled for.”
“Just to be clear, them not liking the joke or finding it not funny is totally fine and understandable. Freaking out and calling you a b***h over it, though? That makes them TA (in my opinion).” – Blue-red-cheese-gods
“NTA. People who suffer from infertility will go off the rails over things, stupid stuff like someone joking that they’d give their kids back or, as you found out, a joke about a ride.”
“If you had joked about things before, it’s safe to assume that she’d joke now, but perhaps your friend is no longer that, your friend.” – 77beachbum
“NTA. If you have a friendship based on dark humor and jokes, you don’t get to be selective about it. If it wasn’t the right moment for a joke in her mind, she could’ve simply said, ‘Please, let’s be serious for a moment, I’m so excited,’ takes five seconds, and OP would’ve surely accepted it.” – NordicButterfly
“NTA.”
“Was what you said insensitive? Absolutely. But this is a good friend of yours, and good friends make mistakes and missteps regularly. If it bothered her that much, she should have communicated with you like an adult, and then you might have been the a**hole in this situation.”
“But if one out-of-line comment is enough for her to leave the lunch date, fully ignore your messages, and cause unnecessary drama in your friend group, then she’s the problem and you’re better off without her.”
“I suspect that the problem here is that most people feel like when they hit a big life event, everyone else is supposed to applaud and validate them. That’s why we have bachelor parties and baby showers and s**t. They need you to take time to come formally congratulate them for their ‘achievement’ so they can feel validated.”
“And in my experience, if you don’t do that, these people get nasty fast. So even if you had made a less insensitive joke, she probably would have been just as much of a child about it, because to these people, the only appropriate response is to cheer her on like a good little mindless social drone. It’s pathetic.”
“It’s not about how good or bad or insensitive your joke was. She needed to be validated and you didn’t give it to her, and she’s willing to cause drama and maybe end a friendship over it. And anyone here who is saying you are the a**hole would probably do the same, and would have fallen in line and given her her fix with insincere congratulations like good little drones.” – Deranth
“NTA. Only because I’m like you. We have a sense of humor and usually, our best friends love it or hate it.”
“BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE NTA DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULDN’T APOLOGIZE!”
“I had a struggle getting pregnant and it was HEARTBREAKING! The one thing you KNOW you should be able to do you CAN’T. It’s heart-wrenching. Also, now that she is pregnant, her hormones are EVERYWHERE!”
“This has definitely made a HUGE dent in your relationship with her. She will remember this and be more guarded about everything, especially sharing things with you, and especially about her pregnancy. And I hope she has a healthy baby and pregnancy because the true hatefulness and bitterness she feels toward you WILL come out if she loses this pregnancy. She will hate you.”
“I know because I hated someone who commented, ‘Again?’ when I told them I was pregnant again and then lost the baby. I also lost that friend. So apologize and sympathize. Do NOT make excuses or say, ‘I meant it as a joke.'”
“No. Apologize by saying, ‘I’m sorry. What I said was unthoughtful and harmful. I truly only hope the best for you and this baby! I’m excited for you and shouldn’t have been so snide. I know you have been trying and after thinking about it I see why you thought I was such an AH and I see it too. So I’m sorry.'” – Rose-Christmas-Tree
But others found the OP’s joke to be incredibly insensitive anyway.
“YTA. Not everything is a joke. She has tried for a baby for years and you couldn’t give her a moment of earnest support and congratulations? This is exactly like people who get up and give attention-sucking, allegedly funny best man or MOH speeches at weddings or, worse yet, stand up with a jokey joke, ‘JK, not really objecting’ objection.”
“FYI, if she has struggled with infertility for three years and you didn’t hear about this pregnancy until three months, she’s likely had miscarriages or chemical pregnancies you didn’t know about. Even if that’s not the case, she has almost certainly spent the last couple of months scared this pregnancy won’t make it. Of all the jokes you could make, that one was the worst.” – RibbitRabbitRobit
“They’ve been trying for three years and your first response is to joke to her about giving her a ride to an abortion clinic? They’ve been trying for three years! This joke was insensitive considering she may be petrified about miscarrying after trying for so long.”
“You’re jokes may have worked back then, but the circumstances have now changed. Apologize to your friend. YTA.” – velvettea
“YTA: That wasn’t the time to joke. Your friend who has been trying for three years to have a child finally achieved their dream and shared that information with her closest friends. And the first words out of your mouth were a joke about terminating her pregnancy.”
“You kinda showed what kind of friend you are because you couldn’t be serious for one second to congratulate your friend.” – thea**holethrowawa
“I’m really sick of people who make being ‘childfree’ their whole personality. It’s not exactly difficult to NOT have kids. It’s like they want a medal.”
“I’m pretty jaded, though, as I’m a bereaved parent who lost her only child. I’m trying to conceive again and it’s just so f**king difficult. Not having a child when you don’t want one is easy compared to being desperate to have one and it not working or you’ve suffered losses.”
“Anyway, OP, YTA. Fertility is a sensitive topic and you should’ve been supportive of your friend.” – Kowai03
“YTA. Offering to drive your friend to an abortion clinic after she tells you that she’s pregnant after trying for three years wasn’t funny at all. It was just cruel.”
“How would you feel if the next time you’re talking about something your dog did that frustrated you she said something like, ‘Well, that settles it, time for euthanasia’? You wouldn’t appreciate that.”
“I think this friendship might be over because you have proven that you are not supportive of her choice to be a parent.” – Mother_Tradition_774
While the subReddit could understand that the OP was trying to make a joke, they all pointed out that there was a time and a place for jokes, and a time and a place to apologize. While some thought a simple apology and some empathy were in order, others were left to wonder if the friendship was effectively over, given how unsupportive the OP had come off to her friend.