Only people who have experienced conditional love in the form of material gifts can truly understand how complicated the situation becomes.
Because to everyone else, the other person will look incredibly generous and loving while the receiver looks incredibly ungrateful and resentful.
In the meantime, only the receiver knows just how many strings are attached to those "gifts" and what's said about them behind closed doors, cringed the members of one of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor SilviaMilin had been with her soon-to-be husband for seven years, and throughout that time, she'd always seen her future mother-in-law (MIL) as kind and generous, though she also liked to used gifts and money as leverage to get what she wanted.
When she demanded a place in the hospital during her future granddaughter's delivery, the Original Poster (OP)'s fiancé used their baby as leverage, giving his mom a taste of her own treatment, and the OP did not try to stop him.
She asked the sub:
"Did my fiancé and I go too far when he pushed back against my mother-in-law using gifts as leverage to get her way, and I didn't try to stop him?"
The OP thought her mother-in-law (MIL) was kind and generous, but also manipulative in her gift-giving.
"I’d really like an outside perspective because my mother and I completely disagree about what happened."
"I’ve been with my fiancé for seven years, and we’re expecting our first daughter."
"Overall, my mother-in-law is a very generous person, but there’s one aspect of her personality that has always made me uncomfortable: she often ties gifts to whether people do what she wants."
"One important detail: financially, she’s very well off, but the main income in the family comes from her husband. That’s not really the point of the story, but I mention it because her generosity often turns into using money as a way to influence other people’s decisions."
Previously, the OP's MIL tried to control the look of their kitchen.
"Here are a couple of examples."
"When we bought our apartment, it was still unfinished, so we were free to decide where everything would go. I wanted the washing machine in the kitchen because the bathroom is very small."
"She insisted it had to be in the bathroom. She told us, 'If you put the washing machine in the bathroom like I want, I’ll buy you your kitchen.'"
"We’re talking about a kitchen worth around €16,000. We refused. We’d rather pay for it ourselves than set the precedent that expensive gifts could be used to influence our decisions."
"We were worried that if we gave in once, it would happen again and again whenever she disagreed with something in our lives."
Then the OP's MIL wanted white accents in their bedroom.
"A few months later, we were about to order our bedroom wardrobe."
"She told my fiancé that she had just cashed in some savings and wanted to buy us both the bed and the wardrobe."
"We had already bought the bed, so we told her that if she wanted to, she could buy us the wardrobe instead."
"The wardrobe was custom-made by a carpenter and ended up costing €7,000."
"She had one condition: it had to be white. We chose beige because it matched the rest of the apartment much better."
"When she saw it, she simply said, 'It’s not white. I’m not giving you the money.' And she never paid for it."
" My fiancé was upset, but eventually we paid for it and move on."
"At the same time, she genuinely is generous. She often buys clothes for her son, she’s been buying lots of things for our baby, and she’s even embroidered several items for her herself."
"So I don’t think she’s a bad person. It’s just that she alternates genuinely thoughtful gestures with situations where gifts seem to become a way to get what she wants."
With a baby on the way soon, the OP's mother-in-law stepped in again with opinions about a travel system.
"Now here’s what actually happened now:"
"She insisted on buying our travel system (stroller, bassinet, and infant car seat), which costs about €1,400."
"Personally, I didn’t even want a new one. I would have preferred buying it second-hand or even renting one, since babies outgrow it fairly quickly and it seemed like a waste of money to me."
"She insisted so much that we eventually accepted. She gave my fiancé the money, we ordered it, but it hasn’t arrived yet."
"A few days ago we were all having lunch together."
"I’m having a C-section next week, and I’ve made it clear to everyone that I don’t want any visitors at the hospital, not even my own parents. I only want my fiancé there."
"Everyone is welcome to visit us once we’re back home a few days later."
But the OP's mother-in-law had the perfect thing to use as leverage to get what she wanted.
"During lunch, my mother-in-law said: 'So, if you won’t let me come to the hospital, then I’m not buying you the travel system.'"
"I didn’t say anything because I honestly thought it was in very poor taste, especially considering the history."
"My fiancé immediately replied: 'That’s fine. It hasn’t arrived yet anyway. Don’t buy it. But then you’ll meet your granddaughter when she’s one year old.'"
"He was obviously responding to what he saw as yet another attempt to use a gift as leverage."
"She did not get a chance to reply to that, because the other relatives stepped in. My sister-in-law came to me and said, 'Don’t worry, she doesn’t have a car right now (it’s been hailing heavily in Italy); I’ll keep an eye on her. She’s not actually coming to the hospital,' while side-eyeing my mother-in-law."
The OP's mother was critical of her fiancé's response and the OP not stopping him.
"Now here’s why I’m asking."
"My mother was there, too, and a few days later, she called me to say that she thought my fiancé had gone way too far, because grandchildren should never be used in arguments like this."
"I disagree.To me, the real issue isn’t what my fiancé said. The real issue is that my mother-in-law once again tried to use a gift to pressure us into doing something we didn’t want to do."
"And obviously, my fiancé was not serious when he said she wasn’t going to have her meet the baby for a YEAR; he was shutting her up with a blunt and awful reply to her blunt and awful joke."
"Since this isn’t the first time she’s done this, I understand why he finally snapped."
"So… was my fiancé out of line, or was his response proportional after years of this kind of behavior?"
"Is he overreacting? (And am I, as well?)"
"AIO?"
"Also, I have never talked directly to my in-laws about overstepping boundaries, because I am a strong believer that each partner should take care of their own parents."
"I never had any problem telling my mom to f**k off if needed, or fighting with her, and usually, he also takes care of his mom. This is not the first time he replied to her; my mom just does not understand."
"To be honest, though, I believe he is not as harsh to her as I am with my own mom when she oversteps, because he’s a calmer person in general. I am much more fiery when my rights are being stepped on."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some applauded the OP for having boundaries and for her husband upholding them against his mom.
"The audacity to try to force her way into the birth of your child, and adapt it to her wishes is unbelievable. She doesn’t deserve to have a grandchild, or a family. Time to put your foot down." - OwlKitty2
"Two can play at that game! Touché!" - Silver_Breakfast7096
"LOL, good for him! He is giving it back to her for once."
"A year is pretty radical but that can be adjusted later."
"For now, she's off your backs, and you can concentrate on your new baby." - Top-Bit85
"Your fiancé handled this perfectly. He turned her ridiculous demands around and gave it right back to her." - OldMove3348
"NOR. Good for your fiancé! If your MIL isn’t straightened out now, you’ll be dealing with this for years."
"It’s so refreshing to hear a story where a husband actually stood up to his mother’s overbearing behavior. Keep at it and stand firm. It’s needed. She does not own or rule over you and her son."
"And she’s going to be worse with a grandchild, if she isn’t consistently stopped." - FormerlyDK
"Your fiancé is correct in his response. MIL will continue to cross lines. She isn't alternating controlling gifts with genuine gifts."
"This is her pattern because she knows if she always has absolutely unhinged strings attached to gigantic monetary ;gifts,' you would never agree."
"Selfish and controlling people recognize that they have to do things that they can claim are selfless, because they believe that gives them the right to control you, and the plausible deniability to convince others that you are the unreasonable and ungrateful one."
"Cut her off. Don't play her games. If she wants to be a grandmother, she is a grandmother on YOUR terms. Don't let her damage your child the way she already damages everyone else in her life."
"Absolutely unhinged of her to believe she gets to decide the COLORS or ARRANGEMENT of literally not her home."
"When you donate to your local library, you don't get to decide what color they paint the bookshelves. When you give someone a gift you don't get to decide where they put that gift in their home, nor what they even do with it. NOR." - dancingkelsey
"Your fiancé is awesome and did exactly what he was supposed to! Your mom just doesn’t like realizing actions have consequences even for grandparents, including her!"
"You won’t be able to see my child as long as you try to gaslight and manipulate us to do what you want. That goes for your mom too so that’s why I think she’s siding with MIL in this situation. Don’t fall for it!" - adn00033
"NOR. It’s disgusting that MIL continually uses money to control and manipulate you."
"Bravo to your fiancé for standing up to her and honestly, his response was perfect. A taste of her own medicine. Unfortunate that the bargaining chip here is the baby… it sounds awful… but this is one of those situations where she needs something very real pushing back at her." - Conscious-Yogi-108
Others agreed and pointed out that the OP's mother-in-law was in no way "generous" or "kind."
"Classic trojan horse poisoned chalice behavior. Conditional gift giving is not a gift because there is a cost, a stipulation involved. Someone is only truly generous if their gifts have no strings attached. I would stand up to her and lay it out." - Wrex_Soul64
"NOR. Your MIL is NOT a good person. A good person would never act the way she does, whether it is 50% or 10% of the time." - TheRogue0530
"She's not a good person. She only knows, due to years of being a bad person, how much she needs to do seemingly no strings attached, so she can add in the deadly strings when she knows they'll have the most impact. Her generosity never comes from a generous place, only a leverage and control place." - alicat7777777
"NOR. Your mother in law is a self important narcissist who uses financial abuse to manipulate others. Literally, down to picking out where your washer goes? That’s control beyond compulsion. It’s unhealthy and toxic."
"She should never meet your daughter, to be honest. She will likely abuse her the same way. I’d go fully no contact, to be honest." - Prudent-Science-9225
"She is not a generous person, she’s sewing chaos into everything she offers to do, because you will never know if it’s just out of kindness or if it’s because she wants something. Stop accepting anything from her. If she can’t make a transaction she loses all perceived power she has. No power play means no control." - ActiveEuphoric2582
"10000000 NOR!! Your MIL is making everything transactional, buying your cooperation. Clearly she doesn't respect her son or you by not listening to what you both want or need. And kudos to your fiancé for standing up to her."
"From the outside, I can see where putting the stipulation that the MIL can't see the grandbaby for a year may seem extreme, but the outside doesn't see and deal with what you have been dealing with for years."
"AND, do you really want your child in an environment where their grandmother's love is conditional on whether they kowtow to her desires? Love and gifts should not be transactional or conditional." - burntcore
"Your MIL is not genuinely generous. She is transactional and controlling. Get the language right. Once you recognize the behavior for what it actually is you will know how to deal with it. Mislabeling causes confusion."
"She has poor boundaries. She buys the things for her son and your daughter not out of generosity but as future leverage. Also because she sees her son and your daughter as extensions of herself; all those gifts to your daughter are going to come back to bite you in the butt. She will either demand more access or special favors citing them."
"As for your mom, tell her to butt out. This doesn’t involve her and she doesn’t need to get in between mother and son." - SunJoy22
Some Redditors also had a few words for the OP's mother.
"This was between your fiancé and his own mother. YOUR mother's opinion is completely irrelevant." - Laughing_Dragon_77
"Why are your mothers both so involved in what you do… boundaries!!" - No_Promise_2560
"Tell your mom he just gave her a piece of her own recipe and you do not appreciate your mother sharing her opinions on matters like this because frankly it’s none of your moms business. It seems you need to keep both your mom and your MIL on a leash."
"About the other presents: buying clothes for your husband like ew wtf? Is he eight years old and mommy needs to buy him clothes? I hope you see how utterly weird that is. You have quite a MIL problem on your hand. She is not generous. She is controlling." - Cute_Instruction733
"NOR. Actually, he is under-reacting. Your mother needs to take a seat."
"The MIL already used the child as leverage, your fiancée just returned the energy. The financial strings attached to the MIL gifts are too much and that will only get worse. If you don’t stop her now, she will use guilt you two forever."
"I would lay down some hard ground rules for both sets of grandparents. No unsolicited gifts, no stopping by unannounced, and no control over birthdays."
"She can either learn to love and be apart of your child’s life on your terms, or not at all. She may be generous, but she is manipulative and immature. Two characteristics a child shouldn’t be privy to." - Fragrant_Trick4380
"NOR. Your mom may have heard about MIL's financial manipulations before. But hearing about it or even seeing it is not the same as being the target of it. Of being subjected to the manipulation. Or of dealing with the financial impacts that might come with not giving in when her demands come after money has been committed."
"Your husband's response may have been harsh. But it was the only sort of response that will really work with someone like your MIL."
"You've declined gifts before. It hasn't stopped her from being manipulative. If anything, it sounds like it has just caused her to refine her technique. For her to start waiting until after you've committed to something before she brings out the conditions."
"At this point, it is likely that the only ways to stop what she does (short of going no-contact permanently) are to either refuse to accept anything from her ever or to provide her consequences strong enough to actually give her pause. Which is what your husband did."
"Going the route your husband has is also a first step towards establishing that you will not tolerate this behavior in connection with your child. Sadly, it will probably not be the last time you will have to set harsh consequences with your MIL like this. It may take multiple repeats before she gets the message. Likely including at least one round of going low to no contact for a time."
"Which step your mom will undoubtably also react badly to, if she doesn't learn to stay out of this. She is not one of the ones that has to deal with MIL." - hard_tyrant_dinosaur
The subReddit loudly applauded the OP and her future husband for knowing what they wanted and acting on their boundaries.
This wouldn't be the last time they'd hear from the OP's mother-in-law, but for now, they'd made their point.
As for the OP's mother, she honestly probably didn't like how they treated the mother-in-law, because she was a little too comfortable stepping on boundaries herself and didn't like looking in the mirror at the consequences she might, too, face one day.
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