“It’s the thought that counts.”
The age old saying when it comes to giving presents to others.
Indeed, that someone was generous enough to give someone a gift, no matter what it was, should be all that matters, and more than enough to be grateful.
That being said, when buying presents for those we know very well, it’s not unreasonable to expect people to put a little bit of thought into what they are getting them.
The mother-in-law (MIL) of a recent Redditor had recently finished her Christmas shopping for her two grandsons, the original poster (OP)’s two sons.
While the OP was happy and appreciative with the presents her MIL got her younger son, she was a bit less excited about the presents she got her older son.
Wondering if she should do something about this, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole”, where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for asking MIL to buy new Christmas gifts?”
The OP explained why she wondered if she needed to intervene with her MIL’s Christmas presents:
“My (35, F) MIL (70, F) bought my son (8, M) some Christmas gifts this year and I’m concerned about what she got him.”
“I had a baby (1, M) last year and my 8 year old has been really struggling with jealousy around growing up/not being a baby anymore.”
“I’m super sensitive to it, and have been really making a conscious effort to make him feel important.”
“My MIL got the baby a few toys for Christmas he’ll love – talking Mickey, ride on Mickey Mouse car, etc. but she got my 8 year old a board game, a nutcracker and an art/coffee table book.”
“My 8 year old isn’t into board games and I genuinely am so confused why she got him a Basqiuat coffee table book.”
“She said she thought it’d inspire him, but like, he’s an 8 year old kid who draws Roblox characters sometimes but isn’t super into drawing for drawings sake.”
“If that makes sense.”
“I expressed my concern that the 8 year old is going to show up on Christmas and see the 1 year old get this big car that can’t be wrapped and get fun toys, and he’ll get a board game and a book meant for an adult and feel sad.”
“She defended her decision and think it’s unfair for me to ask her to get anything else because the nutcracker was $50 and his big gift (he likes nutcrackers but this confused me too).”
“She said she spent the same amount of money of each boy so it’s equal.”
“AITA for asking her to buy him a new gift?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they largely agreed OP was not the a**hole for asking her MIL to buy new Christmas presents for her older son.
Some had trouble sympathizing with anyone, feeling the OP was overstepping by asking her MIL to buy new presents, but also agreeing that her MIL’s presents were way off the mark, and she should have put more thought into it:
“ESH, just because you should not be telling someone what to buy/re-buy for Christmas.”
“But also, when it comes to jealousy between the siblings, that’s something you need to be dealing with as a parent – it should not come down to grandma’s crappy Christmas gifts.”
“Grandma is the a**hole for getting a child a coffee table book imo though lol.”-
Big-Range9664
While others agreed with the OP, feeling that her MIL didn’t put any thought whatsoever into the presents she got her older son:
“NTA.”
“Older people often buy what they consider ‘nice’ presents for slightly older children, and then get offended when they don’t like them.”
“A board game and coffee table book is ‘nice’ for a 70-year-old, but not an 8-year-old.”
“It’s only fair to warn her, that it’s very generous, but they’re not really things that he’s into, and you fear she’d be wasting her money.”- quite_acceptable_man
“NTA.”
“You know your son.”
“If he’s going to burst into tears opening her gifts, it’s good manners to give her a heads up.”
“You can’t force her to swap them; it is what it is.”
“Just plan your Christmas gifts accordingly, so if he’s upset, it’s just at Grandma and not at Christmas altogether.”- scrollgirl24
“NTA Your MIL didn’t think about your 8-year-old at all.”
“A $50 nutcracker!?”
“I get it if he likes them, but what 8-year-old will find $50 worth of value in a nutcracker?”
“There are $15 ones that would fit the bill.”
“He’s not Clara!”
“The coffee table book is a gift for an adult you don’t know well, and the board game is out of touch.”
“Sorry, but she’s being an AH to your kid by showing him zero regard.”
“Where is your husband in this? It’s his mo,m so maybe he should have a quick chat with her.”
“HOWEVER, if you keep pushing, you could find yourself in AH territory.”
“If she refuses to bend, bring 2-3 fun gifts along with you for your 8-year-old to open, tell him to say thank you to his grandmother and teach gratitude.”- Exciting-Froyo3825
“NTA.”
“These all generally sound like afterthought gifts, but this is something that should be managed by your partner when dealing with MIL.”
“Is your MIL around your kids much?”
“Buying for babies is a lot easier than buying for kids with developed interests if you’re not an active part of their life.”- coastalkid92
“Nope, but it might be handy if you buy them to prevent her from getting more nonsense an 8 year old doesn’t want.”
“Weird choices for gifts indeed.”
“Given her reaction, she’s unlikely to buy more stuff or return it, so it’s likely that saving his Christmas will fall on your shoulders.”
“NTA.”- Whooptidooh
“NTA.”
“Be sure to buy her a Barbie play tent for Christmas.”
“You thought it would inspire her.”- RoyallyOakie
“NTA.”
“OP – you cannot change how grandma gifts – but I’d make sure I had some actually fun, desirable gifts for your son to open at Grandma’s house.”
“This is SUCH a deliberate miss on her part.”
“Sad.”- AlbanyBarbiedoll
“NTA.”
“My grandmother and mother do a thing.”
“They’ll spend the same amount of money on each kid, but you can absolutely tell who the favorite is by the gifts.”
“Grandmother bought the middle child many gifts he loved and geared to his interests.”
“The other two got gifts that were sort of their interests, but not really.”
“Mother bought gifts that were what you liked but not what you liked.”
“For example, one year she bought a unicorn for me.”
“I collect unicorns.”
“Specifically, colored ones.”
“Mother bought me a black, evil-looking one.”
“She absolutely knew the difference.”
“The gift she bought allowed her to say, well, I spent the same amount of money, and you love unicorns, so what’s the issue.”
“You come off looking like the one who’s done something wrong!”
“In the future, give her a curated wishlist and the stores where each item is sold.”
“Be very firm that those are the only things you’ll allow.”
“Be sure to include a range from a dollar to a thousand dollars just to be sure you’re covering everything.”- Tinawebmom
Then there were those who felt it wasn’t the OP’s place to have any sort of opinion on the Christmas presents her MIL got her son, and shouldn’t have said anything:
“Maybe the gifts your MIL got your son don’t really make sense to you, but it isn’t your place to tell her to return them and get him something different.”
“Your son is not the baby anymore, and part of growing up is getting gifts you may not like and learning to graciously accept them.”
“I know I remember getting weird gifts from relatives as a kid that I didn’t like, and my parents taught me to say thank you and not show disappointment because that’s poor manners.”
“This is a valuable lesson for your child.”
“The problem is that your son has jealousy issues, and it’s up to YOU to work on correcting that behavior.”
“Demanding that other people give him whatever he wants to avoid a meltdown is not the way to go.”
“YTA.”- Fair_Theme_9388
While some felt that there weren’t any a**holes in this situation, feeling that everyone’s heart and thoughts were in the right place:
“NAH.”
“Grandma tried.”
“The amount spent was similar.”
“Both gifts are thoughtful.”
“You’re anticipating a problem (probably correctly) and want to head it off.”
“You’re directing the change effort at the wrong person.”
“Sometimes gifts are disappointing, and that’s something that a child needs to learn to deal with with grace.”
“As well, younger children’s gifts often are physically larger – just the nature of their needs.”
“A game that we used to play with younger children was to practice what nice thing you could say about a gift.”
“So, for a month or so before Christmas, pulling out sometimes silly things – what is you’re given a pot?”
“Also, talking about gratitude, talking about how sometimes things we receive aren’t ‘quite’ what we’d like, but they can still be something that someone thought we’d like.”
“Talk about how the other person might feel based on our reactions.”
“For next year, a targeted list might help Grandma with the older boy.”- HunterGreenLeaves
The only thing any parent wants is for their children to be happy.
Especially on Christmas.
The OP’s concerns about her MIL’s presents for her older son seem to be centered around her concern that they won’t make him happy.
That being said, her MIL probably bought those presents thinking that they would make him happy.
Perhaps with a civil conversation, the OP and her MIL will be able to find a happy middle ground, and a happy Christmas will be had by all.