"It's the thought that counts."
The age old saying when it comes to giving presents to others.
Indeed, that someone was generous enough to give someone a gift, no matter what it was, should be all that matters, and more than enough to be grateful.
That being said, when buying presents for those we know very well, it's not unreasonable to expect people to put a little bit of thought into what they are getting them.
The mother-in-law (MIL) of a recent Redditor had recently finished her Christmas shopping for her two grandsons, the original poster (OP)'s two sons.
While the OP was happy and appreciative with the presents her MIL got her younger son, she was a bit less excited about the presents she got her older son.
Wondering if she should do something about this, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole", where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for asking MIL to buy new Christmas gifts?"
The OP explained why she wondered if she needed to intervene with her MIL's Christmas presents:
"My (35, F) MIL (70, F) bought my son (8, M) some Christmas gifts this year and I'm concerned about what she got him."
"I had a baby (1, M) last year and my 8 year old has been really struggling with jealousy around growing up/not being a baby anymore."
"I'm super sensitive to it, and have been really making a conscious effort to make him feel important."
"My MIL got the baby a few toys for Christmas he'll love - talking Mickey, ride on Mickey Mouse car, etc. but she got my 8 year old a board game, a nutcracker and an art/coffee table book."
"My 8 year old isn't into board games and I genuinely am so confused why she got him a Basqiuat coffee table book."
"She said she thought it'd inspire him, but like, he's an 8 year old kid who draws Roblox characters sometimes but isn't super into drawing for drawings sake."
"If that makes sense."
"I expressed my concern that the 8 year old is going to show up on Christmas and see the 1 year old get this big car that can't be wrapped and get fun toys, and he'll get a board game and a book meant for an adult and feel sad."
"She defended her decision and think it's unfair for me to ask her to get anything else because the nutcracker was $50 and his big gift (he likes nutcrackers but this confused me too)."
"She said she spent the same amount of money of each boy so it's equal."
"AITA for asking her to buy him a new gift?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they largely agreed OP was not the a**hole for asking her MIL to buy new Christmas presents for her older son.
Some had trouble sympathizing with anyone, feeling the OP was overstepping by asking her MIL to buy new presents, but also agreeing that her MIL's presents were way off the mark, and she should have put more thought into it:
"ESH, just because you should not be telling someone what to buy/re-buy for Christmas."
"But also, when it comes to jealousy between the siblings, that's something you need to be dealing with as a parent - it should not come down to grandma's crappy Christmas gifts."
"Grandma is the a**hole for getting a child a coffee table book imo though lol."-
Big-Range9664
While others agreed with the OP, feeling that her MIL didn't put any thought whatsoever into the presents she got her older son:
"NTA."
"Older people often buy what they consider 'nice' presents for slightly older children, and then get offended when they don't like them."
"A board game and coffee table book is 'nice' for a 70-year-old, but not an 8-year-old."
"It's only fair to warn her, that it's very generous, but they're not really things that he's into, and you fear she'd be wasting her money."- quite_acceptable_man
"NTA."
"You know your son."
"If he's going to burst into tears opening her gifts, it's good manners to give her a heads up."
"You can't force her to swap them; it is what it is."
"Just plan your Christmas gifts accordingly, so if he's upset, it's just at Grandma and not at Christmas altogether."- scrollgirl24
"NTA Your MIL didn't think about your 8-year-old at all."
"A $50 nutcracker!?"
"I get it if he likes them, but what 8-year-old will find $50 worth of value in a nutcracker?"
"There are $15 ones that would fit the bill."
"He's not Clara!"
"The coffee table book is a gift for an adult you don't know well, and the board game is out of touch."
"Sorry, but she's being an AH to your kid by showing him zero regard."
"Where is your husband in this? It's his mo,m so maybe he should have a quick chat with her."
"HOWEVER, if you keep pushing, you could find yourself in AH territory."
"If she refuses to bend, bring 2-3 fun gifts along with you for your 8-year-old to open, tell him to say thank you to his grandmother and teach gratitude."- Exciting-Froyo3825
"NTA."
"These all generally sound like afterthought gifts, but this is something that should be managed by your partner when dealing with MIL."
"Is your MIL around your kids much?"
"Buying for babies is a lot easier than buying for kids with developed interests if you're not an active part of their life."- coastalkid92
"Nope, but it might be handy if you buy them to prevent her from getting more nonsense an 8 year old doesn't want."
"Weird choices for gifts indeed."
"Given her reaction, she's unlikely to buy more stuff or return it, so it's likely that saving his Christmas will fall on your shoulders."
"NTA."- Whooptidooh
"NTA."
"Be sure to buy her a Barbie play tent for Christmas."
"You thought it would inspire her."- RoyallyOakie
"NTA."
"OP - you cannot change how grandma gifts - but I'd make sure I had some actually fun, desirable gifts for your son to open at Grandma's house."
"This is SUCH a deliberate miss on her part."
"Sad."- AlbanyBarbiedoll
"NTA."
"My grandmother and mother do a thing."
"They'll spend the same amount of money on each kid, but you can absolutely tell who the favorite is by the gifts."
"Grandmother bought the middle child many gifts he loved and geared to his interests."
"The other two got gifts that were sort of their interests, but not really."
"Mother bought gifts that were what you liked but not what you liked."
"For example, one year she bought a unicorn for me."
"I collect unicorns."
"Specifically, colored ones."
"Mother bought me a black, evil-looking one."
"She absolutely knew the difference."
"The gift she bought allowed her to say, well, I spent the same amount of money, and you love unicorns, so what's the issue."
"You come off looking like the one who's done something wrong!"
"In the future, give her a curated wishlist and the stores where each item is sold."
"Be very firm that those are the only things you'll allow."
"Be sure to include a range from a dollar to a thousand dollars just to be sure you're covering everything."- Tinawebmom
Then there were those who felt it wasn't the OP's place to have any sort of opinion on the Christmas presents her MIL got her son, and shouldn't have said anything:
"Maybe the gifts your MIL got your son don't really make sense to you, but it isn't your place to tell her to return them and get him something different."
"Your son is not the baby anymore, and part of growing up is getting gifts you may not like and learning to graciously accept them."
"I know I remember getting weird gifts from relatives as a kid that I didn't like, and my parents taught me to say thank you and not show disappointment because that's poor manners."
"This is a valuable lesson for your child."
"The problem is that your son has jealousy issues, and it's up to YOU to work on correcting that behavior."
"Demanding that other people give him whatever he wants to avoid a meltdown is not the way to go."
"YTA."- Fair_Theme_9388
While some felt that there weren't any a**holes in this situation, feeling that everyone's heart and thoughts were in the right place:
"NAH."
"Grandma tried."
"The amount spent was similar."
"Both gifts are thoughtful."
"You're anticipating a problem (probably correctly) and want to head it off."
"You're directing the change effort at the wrong person."
"Sometimes gifts are disappointing, and that's something that a child needs to learn to deal with with grace."
"As well, younger children's gifts often are physically larger - just the nature of their needs."
"A game that we used to play with younger children was to practice what nice thing you could say about a gift."
"So, for a month or so before Christmas, pulling out sometimes silly things - what is you're given a pot?"
"Also, talking about gratitude, talking about how sometimes things we receive aren't 'quite' what we'd like, but they can still be something that someone thought we'd like."
"Talk about how the other person might feel based on our reactions."
"For next year, a targeted list might help Grandma with the older boy."- HunterGreenLeaves
The only thing any parent wants is for their children to be happy.
Especially on Christmas.
The OP's concerns about her MIL's presents for her older son seem to be centered around her concern that they won't make him happy.
That being said, her MIL probably bought those presents thinking that they would make him happy.
Perhaps with a civil conversation, the OP and her MIL will be able to find a happy middle ground, and a happy Christmas will be had by all.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp