Parenting and family counseling experts say parents should make time for themselves and their own hobbies separate from their children. Prioritizing personal interests is not selfish or unproductive, but rather a "vital part of mental well-being, emotional regulation, and sustainable parenting."
According to one parenting resource:
"Recharging personal energy reserves makes parents calmer, more emotionally available, and more present when they are with their children."
A stay-at-home mother (SAHM) turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her husband's objection to her making time to crochet.
MysteriousPlan4188 asked:
"AITA for crocheting during my 1.5-year-old’s (18-month-old's) nap time or down time and making it my me-time? Husband doesn’t approve!"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I’m a SAHM for the most part and work once a week. When baby is down for a nap, I take that time to get things done or keep aside half an hour to crochet some days."
"At 6 months postpartum, I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety and depression (PPAD) and crochet helped me regulate. It’s one tool that keeps me grounded and I feel like I enter that flow state."
"My therapist said to continue it for my wellbeing. It’s been an active form of self-care and it’s helped me get out of that hard phase ever since. I try to make it part of my routine when possible."
"I make it a point to have some down time or me-time, because throughout the day or night I’m needed. But my husband has a secret (not a secret anymore) problem with me crocheting or having a yarn hobby like crocheting or learning knitting."
"When he gets back from work and if he sees me just crocheting or down for like 10 mins, he gets upset later and asks me like why is the laundry still running, why haven’t you finished cleaning up that or this. Saying stuff like, 'Stop sitting with your crochet full time!'."
"He starts to criticize me and point out tiny things. Mind you, my whole morning is cleaning or cooking and taking care of what needs to be done. I’m like, 'I was on my feet all day, I will get to it in a bit.'"
"He assumes I sit with my crochet hook and yarn all day just because he walks in to me doing that. Just because he saw me resting my legs a bit when he gets back from work. I’d rather make something productive than scroll on my phone and have my baby see me on my phone the whole time!"
"When my husband is at home one day of the week because I work, I don’t pinpoint the stuff that’s not in order in our house, because I know how hard it is. I know he tried his best."
"Problem is, my husband doesn’t have a hobby and I keep telling him to get one, go work out, or play something, but he drinks or smokes occasionally if that’s a hobby, and keeps raining on my parade."
"I never felt like crocheting him anything because he doesn’t respect my craft enough. Says he’d rather buy stuff."
"I have even started to buy things for my hobby with my own money, without asking him, because he doesn’t get it. I only make things for people who appreciate it. He wants to take away something that’s bringing me joy."
"Now AITA for having a hobby or me-time just so I can be a nice wife and mama and get the day and night running?"
"Or what am I doing wrong here? I need answers please! My brain is cooked."
OP later added more details of her situation:
"He’s a narcissist and focuses everything on himself. Even when I just gave birth, he complained of lack of sleep and that he witnessed birth etc... while I was just recovering from it all."
"He never understood it when I told him about my diagnosis last year. Said it was all in my head. I went to therapy and wanted to get him on too, but he shamed me and I had to stop. I got better and take care of my health with the tools I learned which includes crocheting."
"My husband can cook and he feels like nothing is good in me. He helps in the house. But later, he’ll put it on me and make it seem like he does all the work and that he doesn’t get a break. He helps, but later blames me. I think he does things grudgingly."
"He’s a General Manager of two stores. I feel he’s bossing me around like he does employees. He doesn’t know how to treat me like a wife or even friend."
"I’m pretty sure he doesn’t love me like he pretends to. I wish leaving was an option. In my culture leaving is hardly an option. I don’t want to deal with custody. What should I do? Baby is so small, not even 2, and I want him to grow up in a complete family."
"I’m Indian origin and in Indian households, women don’t catch a break, they’re working all the time. My mom developed rheumatoid arthritis due to overworking. I’m trying to change things and not be like her! I want to take care of my mental well-being and teach my kids the same."
"I went to therapy last year thinking it was PPAD, but turns out it was mostly his verbal and emotional abuse during my weak moments. I bore with him last year. He promised he won’t fight for silly reasons anymore, but here he is again gaslighting me."
"I feel like he just wants me physically and then wants nothing to do with me, especially during that time of the month for me he purposely gets on my nerves. I dunno, but I see myself as the suppressed mom."
"I grew up seeing my mom quiet most of the time. She told me men are like that (in the Indian culture) and you just need to shut up and do what you're told. That I am fully my husband’s family and that I will just have to bear everything."
"Is there really no way to mentally protect yourself from this behaviour?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA), but noted the OP's comments and Reddit history was very telling.
"Girl your entire history is just posts about your abusive husband, leave him or figure something out. NTA, but aren't you tired?" ~ angelbabyh0ney
"I read her other posts, and yikes. This is a bad situation to be in especially for the child. That child's gonna grow up and think a dad who has no hobbies and only smokes and drinks and yells at their mom for having a hobby is normal. NTA, but GET OUT!" ~ Soggy_Dimension_5771
"As someone who grew up like this it's been HARD learning I'm allowed to have hobbies that don't involve doing whatever chore my dad decided was suddenly my responsibility (that he then takes credit for, R.I.P. all my landscaping efforts)." ~ RaimbowFloof
"This is how I grew up and it f*cked me up so bad. My husband is the total opposite of my father. We live in a quiet, peaceful home and I was still living like the other shoe was about to drop. Just an anxiety-riddled, walking on egg shells mess. I’ve been out of my childhood home for decades."
"Loud noises scared me. Silence scared me. Hearing my husband tinker around in the other room scared me. I was constantly on edge unless my environment was Goldilocks level just right."
"When you grow up with someone like this you’re on high alert. You learn to read the room constantly like a meerkat looking for predators. If my husband was in a bad mood I would feel so unsettled, even though his bad mood is simply him being quiet and withdrawn. I’m hyper sensitive to people’s energy."
"'Allowing' my husband to his bad mood made me want to come out of my skin. I used to try to fix his feelings like they were my responsibility. It drove him nuts because everyone is entitled to be in a bad mood and the last thing he wanted was to be prodded."
"I finally went to therapy in my late 30s, discovered I have CPTSD and can finally breathe. It affected every aspect of my life. It affected every relationship. It informed how I moved through the world."
"OP, you are doing a disservice to your child raising them in a home with someone like this. You’re wiring them for life." ~ catmom_422
"Your husband doesn't have a problem with your hobby, he has a problem with you doing something for yourself." ~ Clock-United
"As a mom to two and a crocheter, your husband can kick rocks. You need me time to remind yourself that you're a human beyond being a baby tending (possibly) milk machine. Babies/kids are exhausting. NTA." ~ any_name_today
OP's problems seem to be much bigger than just her husband complaining about her hobby. It sounds like she has some big decisions to make.
